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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do my feelings about sex mean I don't love DP???? Long and TMI.....

79 replies

EverLovelyChubby · 03/07/2007 12:45

Well me and DP have been together for a few years and I have nver had a huge sex drive. I am very self-conscious about my body and find it hard to get 'in the mood'.

We have had many problems and we have arguments quite often, he gets very low quite depressive moods but when we talk about it and he perks up a bit he expects 'make up' sex straight away.

Anyway I try and make myself to have sex about once maybe twice a week (to him this is nowhere near enough) and when we have it, I hate it and I am always close to tears.

Last night for example, he was getting a bit touchy feely whilst we were watching a film and when we went to bed I thought I had better give in (as he can get a bit nasty if I always say no). We started things going and the kissing alone was awful for me, I felt he was pushing too hard on me and slobbering (uurrgghhh!) all over my face.

He was touching me and it felt horrible and I had to keep pushing him off and doing it myself to stop me from punching him......I was literally clenching my teeth and biting my tongue to stop me shouting for him to get off.

The actual intercourse was painful as I was dry (sorry!) but he just keeps going until he's finished and doesn't seem to be bothered about the way I am.

I've talked to him lots and he knows how I feel about myself and lack of drive etc but this doesn't stop his sulking and shouting if he doesn't get enough.

Think I just bear it so we can have a few days without the touchy feely stuff and / or the shouting if we don't!

I don't feel as happy as I do with him anymore I don't think.

In fact I can't even do the dishes without him walking past and slapping my bum, I am even resenting him for this and I'm nothing like a prude.

Feeling a bit today......really confused about my real feelings.

OP posts:
KrustyTheClown · 03/07/2007 12:47

oh no no no

that sounds awful and he sounds dreaful

please don't do what you are uncomfortable with - it sound to me like he is abusing you

suwoo · 03/07/2007 12:48

Just wanted to offer sympathy, it really sounds like he is not what you want and the relationship is not where you want to be either. Are you thinking about whether you are meant to be together?

NotQuiteCockney · 03/07/2007 12:50

Oh, please don't put up with this. If he doesn't care whether you're enjoying yourself, please do not have sex with him.

mother2b · 03/07/2007 12:50

sounds like a bit of a git
i think you need to think about whether he's good for you or not

Original poster
EverLovelyChubby · 03/07/2007 12:52

I do often question whether I want to be with him, he had an affair 3 years ago and since then we've not been in the best of relationships. We have DC together and I know this is no reason to continue but he is very good with them and they would miss him so much.

I really cannot tell if I love him or not.....? I used to know I did 100% but now I have a lot whizzing around my head and I can't answer the question.

OP posts:
LucyLamb · 03/07/2007 12:52

Huge sympathies - I am having similar problems with my dh hassling me for sex a lot and me not wanting it. Unlike you though I just refuse and turn away. He sulks though !

At the moment I hate my dh even looking at me - I don't know why - I probably need therapy - but I do - I just hate it.

You shouldn't do anything you don't wnat to do, I don't agree that he is entitled to his conjugal rights at all. Don't forget that if he makes you it is statutory rape.

Original poster
EverLovelyChubby · 03/07/2007 12:56

I don't think it's rape or anything like that as I'm sort of agreeing, just not very enthusiastic.

I think deep down I'm a little scared of him. We split up last year and I packed up and went to my parents, he said if I didn't go back he would make my life very hard and take my to court etc over kids......

LL - that's how I feel, I can't undress or anything in front of him as he stares and grabs me all the time. I've shouted and effed at him, I've broken down....he does apologise sometimes when he sees me upset but this is often forgotten about....

OP posts:
smallwhitecat · 03/07/2007 12:58

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LucyLamb · 03/07/2007 12:59

No I wasn't saying it was rape - but if you did say no and he forced you it would be !

I think I shouldn't be with my dh too - but I don't want to be a single parent, upset dd etc and apart from the fact that I can't stand him - everything is fine !

Head in sand !!!

mother2b · 03/07/2007 13:00

i have this problem but in reverse, my bf has no libido, it used to really bother me because i usdd to think it meant he didnt find me attractive but it would just lead to arguements and so i just settle for a cuddle instead, it doesnt bother me so much now either because its not just that he doesnt want to make love to me, he doesnt 'pound the pud' either, he just has the sex drive of a dead hedgehog

i think your bf need to accept that your sex drive isnt going to change and you will clam up more if he goes on about it because it ruins it

its your body, do what you want with it!

Original poster
EverLovelyChubby · 03/07/2007 13:03

I can probably live with him on a non-sex basis!! But as he wants it so much it causes problems elsewhere.

I don't want to be on my own either, couldn't afford it for a start.

Although the thought of always having this sort of relationship with sex is ever so daunting.......

OP posts:
ChristyC · 03/07/2007 13:05

No, this is not good - the whole point of sex is two consenting adults sharing and enjoying the intimacy that it brings - not for one to get their fill whilst the other is in turmoil. Does he considor your feelings at all? Please don't put up with this anymore. Sending you big hugs!!

Original poster
EverLovelyChubby · 03/07/2007 13:05

Thanks all for advice.

M2b think you're right, my drive just isn't really there but I know DP wouldn't stand for only a cuddle. I would love this though, to feel loved and wanted instead of feeling like an object.

OP posts:
Original poster
EverLovelyChubby · 03/07/2007 13:07

Christy - I don't know if he does consider my feeling anymore TBH, he just wants it and that's it - I should want it too...

OP posts:
rey · 03/07/2007 13:09

No-one should have to live like this. From what you say HE is not considerate of your feelings in any way and if he was maybe in time even years it would be something that you could find yourself liking and wanting but you sound very tense because he is so touchy feely, slap your bum etc etc so you must be cringing all the time he is around. The fact that you let him do it and have to bite your tongue just shows how bad it is for you and the fact that you are fearful if you don't manage to give in. Please get help don't let your life continue like this.

smallwhitecat · 03/07/2007 13:10

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ChristyC · 03/07/2007 13:12

Well then, you don't want it so he can't have it! How about that?! Its selfish of him to behave like this. If he wants to help, he should try finding ways to be intimate with you without actual intercourse, so you don't feel under so much pressure. Why can't men understand that for most women, sex is as much about emotional connection than it is about 'just having sex'. And he would enjoy himself so much more if he knew you were enjoying yourself. (if he wasn't selfish, of course!)

wannaBe · 03/07/2007 13:12

was it always like this? What attracted you to your dh in the first place? and was there ever a time when you were happy sexually? and if so what happened to make that change.

IMO if you allow this to continue then you could be miserable for the rest of your life, and you're so worth more than that.

If you're not comfortable say no. If he doesn't like then he'll have to talk about it.

Anniegetyourgun · 03/07/2007 13:15

I don't see how you can be expected to want to be close and cuddly with someone who threatened to get your children taken away. You don't even sound that enthusiastic about him in other departments either - you could "probably live with him" if he didn't demand sex doesn't exactly sound like the love affair of the century. Would your parents have you back to stay while you get your life sorted out - without this inconsiderate, childish bully?

Crazydazy · 03/07/2007 13:16

I hate men who insist on having sex as much as THEY want.

Fortunately I have married a man who has never once in 8 years together made me feel like I should have sex with him. That is WHY I married him

I think he would love to have it more often but he loves me and respects the fact that sex is a joint thing.

I have been out with men in the past who were pushy and it does drives you away in the end.

Wisteria · 03/07/2007 13:19

He sounds very insecure himself to me FWIW. I lived with someone similar and the other poster was right, they are a lost cause. He may feel that the only way to show love is through sex, turned out my ex really did think this as well as having an extremely high libido.

I tried for a long time to make it work but the more I said yes the more he wanted it and if I said no, he would get nasty too. I became very ill as it is so stressful, he can still be a good dad to your dcs without being with you.

Please get out or get him to see someone, some sexual therapists are very good.

(((((((((()))))))))))

Original poster
EverLovelyChubby · 03/07/2007 13:21

We met as teenagers, moved in together at 20 and have had kids since we were 19......I fell for his surfer style haircut!!!

Now he is losing his hair and never shaves or brushes his teeth!

He's a good dad. He helps around the house sometimes (although house cleaning is an age old argument in our house). He is quite generous, but we do often manage to argue about money as he doesn't believe in credit cards or loans etc....

When he gets in his depressive moods he can be stuck in them for days which is very hard for us all to live with. I've asked him to go for help but he hasn't been to the doctor since he was 13 years old....

OP posts:
smallwhitecat · 03/07/2007 13:24

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LucyLamb · 03/07/2007 13:24

You;re not painting a pretty picture here - not shaving or claening his teeth is disgusting ! I wouldn't let him near me I'm afraid !

detoxdiva · 03/07/2007 13:30

It's been mentioned, but something like Relate would be my advice. They are good for discussing the sexual side of the relationship, although of course he would have to want to go. It would give you the opportunity to tell him how you are feeling and for him to do the same.

If he is unwilling, I think that says all you need to know about how seriously he takes your joint happiness.

Sex is important to men, but he should be supportive of how you are feeling and working with you to agree ways of improving your sex life.