Do my feelings about sex mean I don't love DP???? Long and TMI.....

[EverLovelyChubby]

Well me and DP have been together for a few years and I have nver had a huge sex drive. I am very self-conscious about my body and find it hard to get 'in the mood'.

We have had many problems and we have arguments quite often, he gets very low quite depressive moods but when we talk about it and he perks up a bit he expects 'make up' sex straight away.

Anyway I try and make myself to have sex about once maybe twice a week (to him this is nowhere near enough) and when we have it, I hate it and I am always close to tears.

Last night for example, he was getting a bit touchy feely whilst we were watching a film and when we went to bed I thought I had better give in (as he can get a bit nasty if I always say no). We started things going and the kissing alone was awful for me, I felt he was pushing too hard on me and slobbering (uurrgghhh!) all over my face.

He was touching me and it felt horrible and I had to keep pushing him off and doing it myself to stop me from punching him......I was literally clenching my teeth and biting my tongue to stop me shouting for him to get off.

The actual intercourse was painful as I was dry (sorry!) but he just keeps going until he's finished and doesn't seem to be bothered about the way I am.

I've talked to him lots and he knows how I feel about myself and lack of drive etc but this doesn't stop his sulking and shouting if he doesn't get enough.

Think I just bear it so we can have a few days without the touchy feely stuff and / or the shouting if we don't!

I don't feel as happy as I do with him anymore I don't think.

In fact I can't even do the dishes without him walking past and slapping my bum, I am even resenting him for this and I'm nothing like a prude.

Feeling a bit today......really confused about my real feelings.

Hiya - Mumto3girls, I am okay thanks, have just posted on my thread, don't want to hijack ELC's one
ELC - I am fine, sorry I had to go and pick ds up from Playschool and then had some errands to run but I have just got back and got your email - will reply later I hope that tonight is a bit better for you, take care

ELC - Are you okay? I replied to your email but haven't heard back, am thinking of you

I really can empathise as due to some things that happened to me in my past, including being assaulted sexually by an ex boyfriend, I have issues around sex.

When I met DH we had the msot womderful sexlife and were literally at it like rabbits. But at the time I had just left school and wasn't working, whereas he was getting up very early for work, so was always tired and used to sometimes push me away. He was always in the mood but sometimes I would wake up at ungodly hours! We were still about once every other night at this point and then it started to dry up. I got hang-ups about my body as I put on weight for various reasons, and his libido remained high. He would touch me and paw me during cuddles and so I even went off cuddles. We would have sex about once a month, if that, and when we did it would hurt because not having it often enough. I would feel ill during and after as well. Then we had a gap of 2 years with nothing.

Last 2 years I was very ill with pneumonia and then severe mental illness, which didn't help matters. But I recently came off all my medication and as if by magic I suddenly wanted sex again. I had always had the sexual desire, especially around other men, but never wanted to act on it! I always loved him and still do; he adores me and would do anything for me, but I felt like it must mean I don't fancy him. He does annoy me sometimes but I think it was issues around my own body image, that past assault and also making myself believe I didn't want him anymore. Viscious cycle really.

Lack of sex can lead to a lack of happiness in the marriage if both are not in agreement. I think this stems from the fact that if one of the partners has a high sex drive and the other doesn't, the one who wants it, starts to resent the other one and that turns into contempt and not fancying the other person anymore. My husband said he just switched off all sex thoughts he ever had, because he found it easier than walking around with woody permanently. I know that is TMI, but I actually think since we have had sex again we have been more cuddly, although I still have limits and that was a month ago!

I would really recommend couples counselling and not giving up. I don't think it means you don't love him, even if routine has dictated that you don't fancy him.

I also wanted to say, though, that if he is treating you like this because you don't want sex, you really ought to think about leaving.

My husband has never raised his voice or his hand at me for any reason, but least of all because I don't want sex. He's been understanding and tried to encourage me. If he ever so much as raised his voice at me to make me have sex, I'd be outa there, owing to past experience but also because I am worth more than being a slab of meat laid out on a double bed.