Do my feelings about sex mean I don't love DP???? Long and TMI.....

[EverLovelyChubby]

Well me and DP have been together for a few years and I have nver had a huge sex drive. I am very self-conscious about my body and find it hard to get 'in the mood'.

We have had many problems and we have arguments quite often, he gets very low quite depressive moods but when we talk about it and he perks up a bit he expects 'make up' sex straight away.

Anyway I try and make myself to have sex about once maybe twice a week (to him this is nowhere near enough) and when we have it, I hate it and I am always close to tears.

Last night for example, he was getting a bit touchy feely whilst we were watching a film and when we went to bed I thought I had better give in (as he can get a bit nasty if I always say no). We started things going and the kissing alone was awful for me, I felt he was pushing too hard on me and slobbering (uurrgghhh!) all over my face.

He was touching me and it felt horrible and I had to keep pushing him off and doing it myself to stop me from punching him......I was literally clenching my teeth and biting my tongue to stop me shouting for him to get off.

The actual intercourse was painful as I was dry (sorry!) but he just keeps going until he's finished and doesn't seem to be bothered about the way I am.

I've talked to him lots and he knows how I feel about myself and lack of drive etc but this doesn't stop his sulking and shouting if he doesn't get enough.

Think I just bear it so we can have a few days without the touchy feely stuff and / or the shouting if we don't!

I don't feel as happy as I do with him anymore I don't think.

In fact I can't even do the dishes without him walking past and slapping my bum, I am even resenting him for this and I'm nothing like a prude.

Feeling a bit today......really confused about my real feelings.

buy a strap on dildo and everytime he 'wants it' force it up he bum with no lube

m2b - harsh but fair suggestion there!!

Have lots to think about, we have problems in other areas too but this was fresh on my mind because of last night. Have a smear test today too ....

Got to go shopping now, I'll be back to later.

Thanks all xxxxxx your help is much appreciated!!

everlovelychubby - two things: do you want your child to become like him? it sounds to me like your DH is a really bad role model, and you owe it to your kids and yourself to leave.
staying together for the sake of the children is really really foolish, because a single parent is way better than two parents in such a situation.
i understand you are worried about money. there is this good benefits calculator on the internet, you can go on and fill in your details as a single parent and see how much money you could get. im on benefits and actually, its not as bad as you might imagine, we dont get luxuries but we totally get by, loads of free things and help for parents nowdays. google: benefits calculator, you should be able to find it.
secondly: ever heard the crazy story about women who said yes to unwanted sex to avoid being raped?!?
my ex from long ago used to sleep deprive me to get sex, i would agree so that i could sleep, i too was always dry and thought i was frigid, as he told me, and the best thing i ever did was leave him. i found out that i was a really sexual being after all, and have had several wonderful long term relationships since....(all of whom im really good friends with! it was defiantely THIS mans problem not mine.)

Understood Maebee, I will have a look into benefits and things, also housing too as we don't own a house.

These things have crossed my mind before but I just don't actually carry them out. We just tick along with general life and that's how it goes.

I am just so used to agreeing and having bad sex. I have always known it isn't right but have not known how else to deal with it.

I even try to imagine he's someone else which sometimes works but not always.

I am a person that likes my own space too and when he can't even walk past me without touching or stroking something on me it gets you down.

When I have asked him to stop he says he does it because he loves me.

Everlovely - if it was right between you then you would like him touching you, you wouldn't see that as an invasion of your space.
This is so sad - sex can be fantastic - but only if it's mutual.

Big Hugs

I sympathise with you it cant be nice, i on the otherhand have the opposite problem i have high sex drive an to get sex i have to offer favours!
I do sometimes have to tell dp get off me im not ready you will have to do bit more than climb on to turn me on!
have you tried changing postion, bit of diy first?

OMG - having to have someone who hasn't cleaned their teeth drool over you?

YUK YUK YUK - at least tell him there's no way he's getting anything unles she washes, shaves and brushes his teeth.

Sounds to me like either RELATE might help or going your seperate ways...
Sorry but he sounds grim.

Seeing it all written down makes me wonder why I've been with him so long!!

I'm serious though, he doesn't brush his teeth (hasn't been to the dentist since he was a kid and has huge cavities), doesn't shave very often unless he has an important meeting and he wears the same clothes three four days in a row until I have to take them out of his draw to wash!! Then he asks me why I haven't done my roots yet!

Think I'm reaching the point of having had enough. We went to Relate before after his affair and he only lasted one session and said he couldn't stand someone analysing him and looking at him sympathetically.

I feel awful, I feel fat, ugly, unwanted, dirty, pathetic,.....

Well, if he doesn't want to try and hasn't even respect enough for himself to wash. let alone you who has to live with him, sahre his bed ( and his breath!!) then I think you should serioulsy consider leaving him.

And please don't think of yourself as dirty - that's obviously him!!

for yourself you need to respect yourself and leave, or have serious talks

I could try talking but I have before and he makes an effort for a few days maybe weeks and then goes back to normal........I should try again maybe for the sake of the DCs.

The thought of being on my own is very scary.......I've not been on my own before. What if something happened to me what would my DC do?

If something happened to you now they'd be left with him, so what's the difference?
The more you say (I've just reread the thread) the more appalling it sounds.
If you can't sort it out with him then get out and be happy.

Thinking of you x

Yes, after reading back the description of your sex life, sorry, but it really had me wincing and left me feeling sickened by both his lack of personal hygiene and his blatant disregard for your feelings...

ELC: Imagine if it was your sister or best friend in this situation, telling you what you have told us. What would you advise her to do? I bet you'd advise her to leave rather than be treated like some kind of malfunctioning domestic applicance (oh ,it doesn't work very well but if I push it about a bit I can get it to do what I want). NO ONE should have to put up with this kind of treatment. OK, maybe your partner is suffering from depression (the lack of personal care and the indifference to anyone else's feelings can be depressive symptoms) but that's not your fault and you should not have to take the brunt of it particularly if he won't get help. Make plans to leave. Soon.
Berst of luck.

ELC

Sounds like my ex husband. He wanted sex all time.When I said no he would start a huge row and sometimes pull the mattress off the bed so i could not just go to sleep even if i wanted to. Then there would be tears and I would make up (for a quiet life and to get mattress back) and as part of make up, he would get sex after all. I HATED it.It felt like rape amd I hope that does not offend anyone.

I left him eventually and later remarried.Its different now.My dh has lower sex drive that suits me and I enjoy what we have.

dont put up with him.he sounds a right twat

I must also add that he made me feel dowdy,unattractive and useless.I could not imagine any man wanting me.

Needless to say after i left him and before i met dh, i shagged like mad and bloody loved it !!

This situation will chip away at your self esteem until your whole like is affected by it.

My Mum stayed in an unhappy marriage for years ( don't know if sex was the whole problem, this is my parents we're talking about but I know it was part of it.) She became a competely different person when she left him, and although I know she stayed with my Dad for mine and my brother's sake, I wish she had left sooner.

She used to get so stressed and angry, and would flip her lid over stupid things. As a kid I just thought she had a short fuse, but now I can see that she was so unhappy that it clouded her judgement on everything. She's now with a lovely man who adores her, ad she is radiant and so content - it's so lovely to see.

It took her a long time to get over the guilt of leaving my Dad, but it was so worth it - he, incidently is fine now too, and having a great life!!

Your children need happy, positive parents in their life. You don't say how old they are, but I can't believe they don't pick up on the tension in your house - it must be horrendous - and if they don't yet they soon will.

Remember your DP will have to pay child support, and he can still play a very active part in their lives - you say he is a good Dad.

But speaking from experience, growing up in a household where the parents are unhappy ( he can't be truly happy with the situation either, can he?) is no way to live.

You and your kids deserve better. I'm guessing you're young - be brave!!! There's a whole world out there and without resorting to cliche's, everyone deserves the chance to be happy.

Have just re-read all that, sorry to waffle on so much. I really hope things work out for you.

Thanks for all your wise words. I think I need to go but it'll be a long road to travel.

My family hate him already and they don't talk to him nor him them, my mum cringes when I tell her things and has asked me to stop as it upsets her too much.

Obviously in his mother's eyes he can do no wrong although we split up for a time a while back and he went to live with his parents and his mother told him after a week that she couldn't stand him anymore and had to go! I don't go to his family's if I can help it.

I told him tonight I have thrush so sex is probably off for a week or so, he huffed and said he'll have to relieve himself for a few days!!!! My skin actually feels like it's frying at the moment. I didn't think I could feel this way about him, is it hate - I don't know but my stomach lurched when he came home.

Why a long road?

If you don't own the property you live in then you can give him a choice - he can leave or you will. Find a place for you and the dc's.

He has no respect for you and he sounds disgusting. Tell him he can f*ing relive himself from mow on as he obvioulsy has so much practise...

Yuk..what a repulsive picture you have painted of him.

Thanks for your story jojay - the bit about your mum flying off the handle at little things is just like me - I shout at my poor DCs sometimes for such silly things and feel so bad about it.

My DCs are 7 and 2, i am in my late 20s.....

mum23 - long road because I had money from inheritance a few years ago and I stupidly put it into his savings account. We were happier then and I loved and trusted him so much. Since then I've wanted some of the money and suggestes putting it into my own savings, he has brushed it off and refused saying its for the DCs future......need to get it back first.....

Oh no!!! Why why why...why not start a new savings acct back then in your name or the kids'?

Still - I understand that money is important, but is it more important than your happiness and the children's?

Do you really think he would spend money that was for your children - and how do you know he hasn't spent it?
Next time he's on top of you drooling all over you I bet you'd PAY good money to be free of him...

It's not that easy she needs money in order to be able to leave - he doesn't sound like the kind of guy who'll just walk away on request, although that would be the best case scenario.

I really think the best thing you can do ELC, is to go and either see Citizens Advice or a solicitor (presumably you will qualify for legal aid). I feel you are being abused, emotionally if not directly physically.

I'm so sorry you are having such a rotten time Ever. I personally would say that it might be possible to get past this, if changes could be made. But I don't know how they could be made, it sounds like you are making most of the effort, and I am not living your life. Certainly as things stand I would say it is pretty unbearable. I hope you get support and help.

You need to tell him that you are very unhappy. And don't take any of the usual assurances that he'll change ( for a week) tell him you are prepared to walk away if he doesn't want to change.

Thanks for advice. I do need money behind me to go. As it stands I only have money paid into my account for my part-time job of working 3 days a week and it's not much. The money he has is also mine so I need to get it. I need to toughen up big time. I am such a wimp and he so easily gets his own way.

I was thinking in bed last night that I really don't love him anymore, but I also feel sad about that IYSWIM??? He thinks everything is OK, he just doesn't see it when I'm down but when he is - the world has to stop around us.

He is in work all day until late which is nice and I'll probably be in bed when he gets home. I need to talk to him first - do you think I should just come out and say I need my money as I want to leave? It won't go down well and I am wincing at the thought of it now.......

To top it off, my two DCs are poorly and I was sick during the night, had to phone in sick to work today