Do my feelings about sex mean I don't love DP???? Long and TMI.....

[EverLovelyChubby]

Well me and DP have been together for a few years and I have nver had a huge sex drive. I am very self-conscious about my body and find it hard to get 'in the mood'.

We have had many problems and we have arguments quite often, he gets very low quite depressive moods but when we talk about it and he perks up a bit he expects 'make up' sex straight away.

Anyway I try and make myself to have sex about once maybe twice a week (to him this is nowhere near enough) and when we have it, I hate it and I am always close to tears.

Last night for example, he was getting a bit touchy feely whilst we were watching a film and when we went to bed I thought I had better give in (as he can get a bit nasty if I always say no). We started things going and the kissing alone was awful for me, I felt he was pushing too hard on me and slobbering (uurrgghhh!) all over my face.

He was touching me and it felt horrible and I had to keep pushing him off and doing it myself to stop me from punching him......I was literally clenching my teeth and biting my tongue to stop me shouting for him to get off.

The actual intercourse was painful as I was dry (sorry!) but he just keeps going until he's finished and doesn't seem to be bothered about the way I am.

I've talked to him lots and he knows how I feel about myself and lack of drive etc but this doesn't stop his sulking and shouting if he doesn't get enough.

Think I just bear it so we can have a few days without the touchy feely stuff and / or the shouting if we don't!

I don't feel as happy as I do with him anymore I don't think.

In fact I can't even do the dishes without him walking past and slapping my bum, I am even resenting him for this and I'm nothing like a prude.

Feeling a bit today......really confused about my real feelings.

Well, can you have a look for the savings acct book and see if he still has the money?

Then Yes, if it's how you feel, and youdo seem sure, then tell him.

Perhaps even telling him how bad you feel about life with him will be enough to kick him into action. (Cleaning his teeth would be a good start)

He actully brushed his teeth this morning and I asked him if its a special occasion, he laughed sarcastically and said he has a tooth ache so thought he'd better brush his teeth (ewww, too late maybe!). I shudder at the thought of it.

I've seen the statements from the savings and they are all there plus the interest so I know he's telling the truth and I think he genuinely wants the kids to benefit from them. I'm not good with money so I can understand this.

Thanks mum23, you are a great help....

Thank you. I have got the forms from the council re housing as I asked for them before. I think now is the time to fill them in and send them off. Although, the wait is apparently lengthy and it depends on your circumstances and what 'band' you are allocated.

My local CAB is a drop-in service Monday-Wednesday so I'll go there when kids are better and I'm on my own.

I often look at people around me and wonder how everyone is so happy and how lucky other people are but I suppose you don't know what goes on behind closed doors and looking on mums net no-one is ever on their own!

Since I've been with DP I've never really kept any friends as I've never been able to have the time to go out with them as 'the kids need me' etc etc. I would love to make some new friends.

elc - all this advice is great, and its exciting to see you are seriously looking into leaving. CAB are often brilliant,do go and see them, and do talk to them about the savings and see where you stand legally on that. financially your dh is obliged to support your kids, so find out how much you would get off him from CAB.
council aren't the only people who can house you. check out housing associations in your area directly. also, don't soften it up on the form, explain that you are under psychological duress etc. im not saying cheat the housing forms, but dont brush anything under the carpet. if you say you are okay you wont get prioritised, and from the sounds of it, you aren't ok.

btw, do contact womens aid, even if just to talk to someone. losing friends and stuff is a classic abusive and controlling thing.

Thanks MaeBee, I'd never thought about losing my friends like that before but yes, I guess it is controlling of him. As I've always been with him and no-one else I just took it as settling down and 'normal'.

I've just got the number for women's aid so will give them a little call.

I have written everything down that I need to do and there is a lot. My family will support me I know and I can probably stay with them at first but not for long as my dad has turned into a right 'grumpy old git'!!!!

His family are vile, they are rich and very very tight, they never given us a penny but expect a lot from DP. See why he's like he is though......

I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and thought how much I have let myself go. I have big bags under my eyes, roots coming through, putting on weight, blotchy skin and I've been getting a lot of headaches and feeling sick recently too.

The headaches and sickness are just symptoms of the extreme stress that you are under living eith someone who is making you so unhappy.

The roots...the skin..symptoms again of unhappiness and to be honest being the mum of a 2 year old at times!!

Starting from today do just one tiny thing each day that makes you feel better about yourself. Shave your legs, put moisturiser on, dab concealer on the bags, etc etc

BUT do make sure that this isn't taken as a hint from him that you want more attention...in fcat..forget the concealer - just have a long bath and go to bed early ( to sleep!!)
BY the way - I don't mean to preach to you about dumping him and moving on. Only I've been in the sutuation where I was with someone that I didn't love and was losing respect for myself because of it - when I rid myself of that relationship ( after ages of staying 'for the dc's) I was a different person afterwards.

And a year or so afetr that I met my DP, whom I have now been with 10 years and we have a 2 yr old dd together and he is fantadtic!! My older girls love him and we're getting married next year! So life can and will be better for you...you are so young.

elc: another suggestion: why not put a thread on your mumsnet local site, and see if anyone knows of anything useful in the area you live?

im so pleased you are going to give womens aid a ring! go for it girl! this is your opportunity to start living your life, and really showing your kids what a woman can be like! i have never, ever met anyone who left a bad situation and wished they had stayed, nor met anyones kids who were worse for it for that matter.

altho, one question, do you think you are at risk of physical violence? you havent mentioned it, so im hoping not, but if you do think its a possibility, make sure you mention it to womens aid and get some advice on that.

the day i finally left my shit boyfriend, and, as usual, he wept and said sorry, and i said,no, really, this time its for real, we are over, and he was so surprised! and he followed me to the bus stop and spat in my face in front of everyone, and i just laughed, cos i had been in torment for years, and he really thought a bit of spit in my face would be humiliating compared to the humiliation i had suffered with him!?! i still smile when i think about it now, because i knew in that moment that we were really, really over, and god, it was delightful!!

bless mumsnet, eh? its so brilliant that you are finding strength from it.

keep us posted.

Thank you.

He has never hit be although been tempted and has punched the wall / pillow behind me. Not sure if this will push him over the edge.

Feeling little glimmers of hope the more I think about it and look into things.

How do I do the mumsnet local thing????

Right, apolgies if I've missed.repeated thnigs, as I've read half the thread only . But I wanted really to say that you sound very much how I think I'd be now, if I'd stayed with exh. Not that I'm suggesting you split up. Just that there are alot of similarities. Maybe i could've tried harder, so could he, but tha fact that we didnt says something in itself.
We met at 17, went to uni together, got married at 21 during post grad. Even at the time I knew it wasnt the rightthing to do. As soon as we came to London and had more of a life, we grew apart. A whole load of crap happenned thats not worth going into, some of it physical, some mental. But the main point is that everything has a knock on effect on the sex, and vice versa. We never had amazing sex, because I was too young to realise that, and only found out how dire it was in retrospect. But under different circs, I might have carried on like that forever, thinking it was how sex is. Thank god I met some people that did a whole lot more for me!! He could also never understand the whoile thing of everything needing to be happy in order for me to want and like sex; he was arguing one inute, then expecting sex the next. Even about a month before I finally moved out, he actuaaly said 'oh, cant we have a shag, it is my birthday' Not a good thing to say to an emotional wreck of a wife

I'm not sure , now that i've rambled, if i've actually said anything useful. I think I'm trying to basically say that you dont understand how much better things can be until you get out of the bad rut you're in, either by solving it, or by splitting up if its really gone too far.

Thanks mustrun,

I think the decision to go has been made up in my mind, although he knows nothing of this intention yet!

I know now it's going to be tough, he'll try it all to get me to stay but having read some stories on MN I know there can be a future for me.

Don't think I actually have much of a life right now, I just 'plod on'.....

Need to be strong now......something I'm not used to either!!

Thank you for your story, it was helpful!

Well,when I left exh, I enlisted the help of a lovely friend. He was a very new friend(met him through a workmate), so selfless and kind. He borrowed a van, and drove round when i knew exh would be still at work. We loaded all my stuff in, in order of wanting it, and when it was full, we shut the doors and I left the rest behind. He then let me stay in a semi derelict house he owned, until I got myself sorted. It was actually a very good time in my life; very happy, very free. I was lucky in that I had some money saved and a job etc etc, but emotionally I was glad the friend was there for me. But you know, making the decision is the hard part. Once its in your head, its just a matter of getting it done!

Oh, and if you're anywhere near me, I'll gladly help you

ELC - #I just wanted to say that I feel for you - your OP was sooo close to my life it was quite spooky, but I have other issues going on as well .... I wish I had the courage and strength that you have shown to do something about my situation, but like you I have no friends or support Where abouts do you live? I would be more than happy to meet up for a chat although I am not sure if I would be any help

elc - at the top of the mumsnet homepage it gives you the option for "local sites", click on it and then choose your area. you can then put a thread on it just like with the main mumsnet stuff.
not sure how many people use their local sites, it is still a new thing , so you could do the same thread in the main section. if you're in Leeds i can help you find some stuff out!
x

Thanks all for your offers of support. I am in Cardiff.....so nowhere near Leeds!!

I've had a long talk to my mum and she sort of said 'here we go again' but then said she would support me no matter what.

Where are you mummy2tandf??

He rolled over this morning and put his arm around me and I pushed him off and told him I need my space and his breath smells.....never spoken to him like that before!!! Felt scared but better for saying it afterwards!

I have abit of similar thing with my dh ELC, but he does not force me nor has fits about not getting, instead gets emotionally needy.

Inside of our relationship spiralling downhill I have started talking more and more to him about it, how it makes me feel, what I don't like. How I hate not being able to express myself etc etc. How it feels terrible to feel like a frigid woman when I know I am quite the reverse.

No sex till its good sex, practise does not make perfect, talking about your boundaries, love language and body language goes along way.

Is your relationship good otherwise?

Not the best TBH.....we argue a lot over trivial things. We have issues in lots of other areas it's not just the sex. Think I have pretty much made up my mind that I want to go just need to get things going.

I've tried talking and explaining my feelings, I am very self-conscious about myself and have explained this, all of which goes in one end and out the other so I sort of feel now - what's the point???

Really good you told him you needed your space and not just tell him how you feel but follow through with actions.

All the best and take care

ELC - I am in Essex, so nowhere near you I am afraid That's a shame because I think we would have made great friends, so much in common - It is great that you told him that this morning, do you find that you don't normally say how you are feeling for fear of his reactions?

Yes, I always have done. I find that I keep a lot from him as I can't sensibly discuss them as he just kicks off. He apologises if he goes off too much but how much are you supposed to take, I wonder if I stay, will this be my life.......I tell him something, he kicks off, I cry, he apologises etc etc

We can still be friends though! Even if just cyber friends ....

Perhaps I can drop you an e-mail or you mail me???

Yes - I know the feeling - how long have you been together? We have been together 11 years now and the apologising on his part has stopped now, I am just expected to pick myself up. You are really strong and it is great that you can move on Feel free to email me - [email protected] anytime and we can chat ..... oooh, excited... I have a new cyber friend

Sent you an email.....going on lunch soon. Spk later x

I hope you two can help each other. Mummy2tandf...any progress with your dh?

Think MN is great for meeting people going through similar probs. Wonder where I would be without the net and sites like MN.....how did people cope years ago???!!

You OK m2t&f???