I feel like I am being massively taken advantage of financially

[Dominique82]

My frustration is getting bigger and bigger week by week.
I am 36 years old, have got a reasonably good job, small car, nice flat. I work quite hard, often till late hours.
I have a boyfriend of 3 years, who earns over 100k a year (that’s nearly 3x more than me), drives an 80k car, lives in another town but works in my town Monday to Friday.
Sorry to mention the salary and car value, but feel like this is important in the big picture.
Boyfriend has been staying with me, most weekdays for the past year and a half, Monday to Friday. This happened so unnoticeably, that I don’t even know how. It started with just one night a week, now he has taken over my flat. Often, when he doesn’t need to go to the office, he sets up an office in my kitchen, doing calls and spreading his laptops, phones, notepads, charging cords all over. I can’t access my fridge or make tea. I need to ask him to move constantly.
He uses my car a few times a week if he needs to run some errand or is going to the gym. He rarely comes in his car, as comes up by train. So having my car is very handy (for him)
I am paying all the household bills.
I just got a huge gas and electricity bill for the past 3 months, which I told him about. His response - wow that’s high. Has there been an increase ? Is the boiler broken? That’s it. Not a single word about helping me with paying the bill. He takes very long showers, and has the heating on full blast when I am not around.
When I come home from work, every light in every single room of my flat is on. That is 6 rooms including the hallway, and even the f*ing storage room ! Wtf. He just doesn’t care that I am paying for all of this.

Also, My car recently broke down, which I told him about, his response was- ‘you need to ring the garage’.That was it. No mention from him of sorting it out for me. He uses my car more than I do. I pay the insurance etc. He puts in petrol. But occasionally I do too.

He tells me he loves me all the time, and that I am the woman of his dreams. I feel so stupid writing this now, as he must be loving me for all the freeloading I think.

Honestly, I feel like I am being a cheap hotel in town. All the cleaning, bills and entertainment included.

He occasionally buys groceries, then looks so proud of himself telling me how much he likes to help out...
When we go out, he always pays the bill BUT I am quite sure, he claims it back as an expense from his company. So he doesn’t really spend anything.
When we go on holiday, he books and pays for everything. But I just feel like this is not enough.
I got to the point where I know, i can’t live like this, but how do I say he needs to ... leave?
I don’t even have a key to his house. Been there max 5 times in the last 3 years. Help

Yes you are

Are you scared to break up with him, do you have a friend who could be there when you end it

He is taking advantage of you. The questions are whether or not it's premeditated, if you want him to pay rent or if you'd rather have him around less.

Why do you not go to his place on the weekends?

If you still want to be with him why can't you just have an honest adult conversation with him about finances? If you've never said anything he probably thinks you are ok with the current situation.
On another point, does he go home at weekends and leave on your own? That would seem more a pointer that he is just using you as a convenience.

He must be a phenomenal shag for you to have put up with this for so long.
Could you just sit him down and say look, mate, it's been fun but this relationship has run its course. I don't want to see you again, so please take your stuff and go. Or do you think he would get nasty?

BTW, if he does argue, he has no legal rights at all regarding your home, and you could, if necessary, call the police and say that he is refusing to leave; they will come and remove him because it's technically trespass for him to be in YOUR home when you have told him to go.

You have a cocklodger.

Sit him down, explain how much more expensive it is for you by having him living there (he lives there, he doesn't just stay with you) and that he needs to start contributing or move out. Your salary is being stretched by supporting two people and it's not fair.

If he's a decent guy he'll be horrified that he's been thoughtlessly putting you under financial pressure. If he's a dick he'll act less chivalrously, but at least then you'll have your answer and can tell him to fuck off to a hotel.

I think the last few months when this really started to bother me, I was just telling myself ‘don’t be materialistic’. I just didn’t want to look bad in his eyes. But I know that’s so stupid. The more I think about his behaviour, the worse it all looks! Do I tell him the reason of me breaking up is him taking advantage financially? I can’t possibly believe he thinks he is doing nothing wrong.

If you have hardly ever been to his house, and particularly if you never see him at weekends, there is also the possibility that he is married/living with a partner already, and you're just his weekday blowjob and domestic service.

Has there never been a discussion about the two of you actually moving in together, or getting married? If you've been seeing each other for three years, it's not that weird to talk about 'our future together'.

I would work out dispassionately how much extra it is costing you to have him there five days a week, then try and work out realistically what he’s contributing over an annual period (petrol, holidays, nights out etc.) so you have a genuine picture of how the finances are shaking down.

Then I would ask yourself, is it the money? Or is it him? It doesn’t sound like you want him to live with you, nor does it sound like a very equal or deep relationship if you don’t even really go to his house.

I think you need to decide whether the conversation you need to have is “you’re living with me and we need to agree how we do this financially as a couple” or “I don’t actually want this relationship any more”. There’s no point having the first one if the second one is what you really need to talk to him about...

What happens at weekends?

Do you ever go to stay at his?

Maybe he thinks paying for the holidays balances it out? Thing is whilst that’s nice it doesn’t help you day to day. If he is using your facilities he should be contributing but you may need to ask, sometimes it’s not deliberate they just don’t think

We need to talk although we should have at the beginning, you just slowly moved in.
So here we are today. Using my car os no longer viable for me. You need to either start driving up or get a cheap run around. I cannot continue to have minimal use of the car and pay for upkeep.
My bills have increased drastically as a result. So I will need you to contribute X.
My kitchen is not your office.

You will know from his response if he's a cocklodger or not.

Just saw your update. He probably doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong. He probably is very happy he’s landed on his feet, and as you haven’t talked about money assumes you are happy to have him too. Some people are VERY tight and absolutely blind to their cheek. He’ll probably be taken aback, but yes I do think you should explain why you are breaking up with him!

Come on OP you need to say something.

Sit him down and tell him it's costing you a fortune him being there all the time and he needs to either tip up or go home.

Stop letting him take the piss.

Could he have a wife and family? Have you ever been to his? What happens on the weekend?

Well the massive utility bill is clearly down to him, so he needs to pay the difference between your expected and actual bill

Have you never had the moving in conversation? Or the future plans conversation? After 3 years surely you’ve had some sort of discussion around either of these things?

I guess you need to establish if you want a relationship with him but not have him in your pocket for the entirety of the week, or that you don’t want the relationship to continue. Depending on that depends on the tone of the conversation you’re going to have to have with him! At the very least if he is pretty much living there you need to sort out the finances so things are fair and he contributes to the household beyond money too.

My DH sort of turned up and stayed without me realising (it was a gradual thing), but we had the conversation and it got sorted.

The weekend thing... he has a son with his ex wife, so he goes to see him on the weekend. He has got his own house.
Whenever I mention that i wish I was going to spend the weekend with him, he says that I am always invited. But I never get asked ‘so when are you coming for the weekend?’
But yes, I have started to feel like a weekday blowjob and cleaning service. All free of charge!

Oh yes, there has been talk of living together (in his house, in his town) and marriage, but I honestly am starting to feel like this is all just talk to keep me happy. I never ask about the marriage subject, but have asked several times about moving to his town. He then says how much he would like that’s but the opportunities FOR HIS job in his town, are not amazing. So it’s all about him again.

Do you love him? It doesn't sound like you do.

Agree he may think the holidays even it all out and you should calculate what the extra costs you and what he pays for.

Do you want him to chip in or do you want to break up?

But thank you so much for your replies, it feels great knowing that I am not being a materialistic cow

His attitude over your car is more worrying as suggests he doesn't want to help you, yet you help him so much with your house & car. What did he do before you came along?

It would be free loading however you say he does pay holidays and all nights out..that must be significant. Not sure he could claim 2 meals etc on expenses but perhaps he has per diem.

I would not want him using my car or house that often without equitable input from him. It costs to put miles on your car plus insurance. Has he never offered to pay, even when you discussed adding his name to the policy? If not that's a red flag..

I suspect he is a taker, yet I bet he would never view himself as that as he contributes what is "easy" for him.

Does your life together generally centre more around him? Why no commitment despite 3 years together.

I don’t understand why after all this time and allowing him to pretty much live in your flat, you haven’t yet spoken about finances and sharing the bills?

Resentment is growing. If you love him and want to be with him you need to sit down and have an adult conversation about money. If he wants to remain staying as often as he is, he needs to contribute.

Do you even want him go stay with you?

Tell him you will go to his house next weekend. See how he reacts. You need to tell him straight out that you cannot continue to manage the bills on your salary, that they have escalated since he moved in. Spell it out.

I do think you should do the analysis tinkieswinky suggested - if you’ve not sat him down and directly taken him through the costs vs what he gives you vs how much more he earns then it’s just possible he hasn’t realised.

On the moving and weekend visits, again, possible he’s just not realised he should invite you rather than leaving the door open.

I wonder you haven’t had a clearer money chat before, I wonder about the overall communications methods.