I feel like I am being massively taken advantage of financially

[Dominique82]

My frustration is getting bigger and bigger week by week.
I am 36 years old, have got a reasonably good job, small car, nice flat. I work quite hard, often till late hours.
I have a boyfriend of 3 years, who earns over 100k a year (that’s nearly 3x more than me), drives an 80k car, lives in another town but works in my town Monday to Friday.
Sorry to mention the salary and car value, but feel like this is important in the big picture.
Boyfriend has been staying with me, most weekdays for the past year and a half, Monday to Friday. This happened so unnoticeably, that I don’t even know how. It started with just one night a week, now he has taken over my flat. Often, when he doesn’t need to go to the office, he sets up an office in my kitchen, doing calls and spreading his laptops, phones, notepads, charging cords all over. I can’t access my fridge or make tea. I need to ask him to move constantly.
He uses my car a few times a week if he needs to run some errand or is going to the gym. He rarely comes in his car, as comes up by train. So having my car is very handy (for him)
I am paying all the household bills.
I just got a huge gas and electricity bill for the past 3 months, which I told him about. His response - wow that’s high. Has there been an increase ? Is the boiler broken? That’s it. Not a single word about helping me with paying the bill. He takes very long showers, and has the heating on full blast when I am not around.
When I come home from work, every light in every single room of my flat is on. That is 6 rooms including the hallway, and even the f*ing storage room ! Wtf. He just doesn’t care that I am paying for all of this.

Also, My car recently broke down, which I told him about, his response was- ‘you need to ring the garage’.That was it. No mention from him of sorting it out for me. He uses my car more than I do. I pay the insurance etc. He puts in petrol. But occasionally I do too.

He tells me he loves me all the time, and that I am the woman of his dreams. I feel so stupid writing this now, as he must be loving me for all the freeloading I think.

Honestly, I feel like I am being a cheap hotel in town. All the cleaning, bills and entertainment included.

He occasionally buys groceries, then looks so proud of himself telling me how much he likes to help out...
When we go out, he always pays the bill BUT I am quite sure, he claims it back as an expense from his company. So he doesn’t really spend anything.
When we go on holiday, he books and pays for everything. But I just feel like this is not enough.
I got to the point where I know, i can’t live like this, but how do I say he needs to ... leave?
I don’t even have a key to his house. Been there max 5 times in the last 3 years. Help

None of this is normal 3 years in.
He's hiding something from you.
And taking advantage.
Time to either tackle it or end it.
Good luck tonight OP.

Think of it this way:
He is earning a shitload AND, thanks to you, SAVING a shitload. This is terrible and you shouldn't do it anymore. Sorry.

Oh and he's married. Amazing guy!

Did he pay for the power bill?

I think there’s more going on in his life than he has told you op. It sounds like he may have wife or a “local” girlfriend in his home town.

In any case he is treating your home like a free Airbnb/car hire with meals and services thrown in.

Have you even told him not to turn up the thermostat or turn off unnecessary lighting?

Sorry, he must think you’re a mug.

Of course not, Run, he's currently back at the OPs flat running the bills up and getting full maid service plus sex.

Thank you all for replies!
Thank you for your concern as well, and he is not in my flat tonight! Hurrah. Posting on here, and reading all the comments gave me a real kick to change something. I had been worried, that i would never have the courage to say anything to him, and things would continue this way for years. That had been the case in my previous relationship, that lasted waaay longer than it should, but I never had the balls to end it. Completely different circumstances though, and stinginess was not one of my ex’s traits.
But back on topic- I emailed him yesterday, even quoting some of the comments from here I said how things are not qual between us, and that he has not included me in his life etc etc. I didn’t mention the bill (honestly, I am not normally so petty to charge anybody who comes to my house for anything, but his presence in my life projected his stingy ways onto me I think), I just said I did not wish to continue spending any more days at my home, with him around. I said that I am not happy to share my home anymore. I didn’t give him any ‘probation time’ to arrange something else, and I didn’t offer to pack or post his stuff, he will have to invest his time in coming one day when i’m not around. I am guessing he will just stay in a hotel.
He did try to call a few times yesterday, but I so didn’t want to speak to him! no communication today.

I have so many questions I want to ask, but I know he would never tell me the truth if there really was something sinister going on at weekends.
I am sad, but also or the first time in a looong time, I am not ‘boiling inside’. I don’t have this angry feeling in me today. I don’t feel frustrated. Numb if anything.

It’s sad to admit, but I came to mumsnet several months ago to find answers to my questions about being a ‘stepmum’ to his son. I created this whole idea in my head how we are going to live together in his house, and how I would be the cool stepmum and all. Needles to say all that is in tatters, and I’d never even got the chance to meet the boy. So ‘loosing’ the dream home and family life is probably what I am the most sad about. I obviously don’t know what is going to happen but I am so shocked how quickly I took action, normally this would take me years.

BRAVO, Dominique. You are worth so much more than this. PLEASE do not let him weasel back into your life, which is exactly why he wanted to ring you. I wouldn't be surprised if he turns up at your place knowing you are there to try to manipulate you. He is a weapons grade cunt! Honestly, he's just all take, take, take and he doesn't include you in his life because he is hiding something. You are his side chick.

He's also a tightfisted cocklodger.

You are WELL rid! He is using you, wasting your time and your life.

You're 36 and after a while, you start to get better at seeing takers like this and think, 'I don't need this in my life.'

Better to walk alone than badly accompanied.

Well done op. I suppose it is like ripping a plaster off. The quicker it is done the quicker you can begin to plan for the future. A future that at least won't lead you to being little more than an unpaid Airbnb host.

Thank you, I feel proud of myself for putting my little foot down! But also you all have helped so much. xxx
I am sure he will be back with sob stories, but whenever I think about the unattractive stingyness, not to even mention the mystery weekend house and almost double life (?) he seems like such a turn off. And who knows what really is going on in his life??? I would really have to set up a tent outside the house in the bushes to see what’s happening, and to be honest 10 years ago I most likely would, but I am too old now for this shit

Oh, he will come back with sob stories. Be prepared for him to use his key to come in whilst you're out and be waiting there 'to talk' or 'to hear him out' or 'let's sit and chat'. You owe this man nothing. He owes you, in fact. You do not have to hear him out or talk to him or anything. 'No, the only thing I need is for you to leave,' is sufficient answer.

He's a lying user. All those comments about what he's spending and how he's 'helping out' when he is ripping the piss out of you are unbelievably unsexy. Gross!

I'd actually get my locks changed.

I’d love to have been a fly on the wall when he got your email .....

Wow! Massively well done Dominique. I had tears in my eyes reading the bit about being a cool step mum and that’s not even knowing you so it must be such a time of conflicting emotions for you. You have done really well and it will only get easier from now on.

You have all my admiration, Dominique. Good riddance to the cheapskate.

Well done, Dominique. Now don't be sweet talked.

OP, im SO impressed. I wish I had the strength to kick Cockwombles out like you have done. And you've done it with such calmness and dignity.

I'm sure you must feel sad but hopefully relieved too. It's impossibly difficult ending what you hoped would be 'the forever'.

I admire you enormously. X

It’s funny isn’t it because you posted about a bill he wouldn’t contribute to but you ended up dumping him for something much bigger.

Well done!

I bet he comes to yours tonight after work to try to persuade you to change your mind

Bloody bravo for taking the right action for quickly

The part of your post about your “step son” quite moved me, so very sad that he has behaved like this,

But at 3 years in this was not a normal or good relationship for several reasons

Hang on in there it will get better

3 years of this??? Pull the other one. It's got bells on!
OP, you have the patience of a saint.
What a total time bandit. No sand in his hourglass. What about yours, OP? You'll be 41 in 5 years. You don't want to look back and think that this is what you've invested in: some time bandit who's used you as a midlife stopgap and paid for a few good holidays. I look back on my relationships in the past and it's not the white sandy beaches on the Sardinian coastline that stay with me or the tropical nights of Indonesia. It's 'What a dick. He really wasted my time. Thank God I woke up!' Seriously! That's what comes to mind when I think of my own memories of a time bandit.
And not everything is about having kids. But if that's an agenda, you need to cut this off at the knees. If kids aren't a big agenda, you still need to cut this off at the knees. He has not brought you into his world at all. He's more committed to your electricity meter than he is to you.
This is not about you. This is not about you lacking in any area or not being 'enough'. This is a guy who is always looking after number one. Me first. He'll do it to the next one and the next one. Who he is is what you're seeing. And this is as good as it will get.

Well done for tackling this thorny issue. And especially for not making it about the bill but seeing it for what it is.

Oh! Didn't see the update!
You didn't lose the dream home and family life, OP! You never had it with him. You've now created an opportunity for this to really happen with someone worthwhile and real!
Well done!!!