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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel like I am being massively taken advantage of financially

324 replies

Dominique82 · 02/02/2019 16:27

My frustration is getting bigger and bigger week by week.
I am 36 years old, have got a reasonably good job, small car, nice flat. I work quite hard, often till late hours.
I have a boyfriend of 3 years, who earns over 100k a year (that’s nearly 3x more than me), drives an 80k car, lives in another town but works in my town Monday to Friday.
Sorry to mention the salary and car value, but feel like this is important in the big picture.
Boyfriend has been staying with me, most weekdays for the past year and a half, Monday to Friday. This happened so unnoticeably, that I don’t even know how. It started with just one night a week, now he has taken over my flat. Often, when he doesn’t need to go to the office, he sets up an office in my kitchen, doing calls and spreading his laptops, phones, notepads, charging cords all over. I can’t access my fridge or make tea. I need to ask him to move constantly.
He uses my car a few times a week if he needs to run some errand or is going to the gym. He rarely comes in his car, as comes up by train. So having my car is very handy (for him)
I am paying all the household bills.
I just got a huge gas and electricity bill for the past 3 months, which I told him about. His response - wow that’s high. Has there been an increase ? Is the boiler broken? That’s it. Not a single word about helping me with paying the bill. He takes very long showers, and has the heating on full blast when I am not around.
When I come home from work, every light in every single room of my flat is on. That is 6 rooms including the hallway, and even the f*ing storage room ! Wtf. He just doesn’t care that I am paying for all of this.

Also, My car recently broke down, which I told him about, his response was- ‘you need to ring the garage’.That was it. No mention from him of sorting it out for me. He uses my car more than I do. I pay the insurance etc. He puts in petrol. But occasionally I do too.

He tells me he loves me all the time, and that I am the woman of his dreams. I feel so stupid writing this now, as he must be loving me for all the freeloading I think.

Honestly, I feel like I am being a cheap hotel in town. All the cleaning, bills and entertainment included.

He occasionally buys groceries, then looks so proud of himself telling me how much he likes to help out...
When we go out, he always pays the bill BUT I am quite sure, he claims it back as an expense from his company. So he doesn’t really spend anything.
When we go on holiday, he books and pays for everything. But I just feel like this is not enough.
I got to the point where I know, i can’t live like this, but how do I say he needs to ... leave?
I don’t even have a key to his house. Been there max 5 times in the last 3 years. Help

OP posts:
Didiusfalco · 02/02/2019 16:56

Trust your instincts. It all sounds incredibly to his advantage and not to yours. He is being intentionally thick missing your references to the utility costs and the car. Doesn’t seem like there’s much in it for you at all.

Original poster
Dominique82 · 02/02/2019 16:57

The thing is... I am just resenting him at the moment. It feels so crappy being taken advantage of, especially that he earns so much more than me, as has got a huge house that he doesn’t want to share with me. All of this makes me so disappointed with him, that my feelings just start to cool down. I thought we had a great future together, instead he started to use me as a free hotel.
I don’t say a word about him going away on weekends, as I know he is seeing his son. So I know that’s important. But even when his son is not around (on holidays or grandparents) he still goes home, and when I ask him what he is doing, it seems like he is having fun with his mates, going to see football, visiting friends, shopping.
I usually am working on Saturdays, and it feels like just going there on Sunday for one day is a bit too much hassle, since she is coming to me anyway on Monday. So this is a catch 22

OP posts:
Stopwoofing · 02/02/2019 16:57

I suppose he could say op contributes what is ‘easy’ for her and he hasn’t realised it isn’t fair. The cynic in me says though more likely he’s deliberately being obtuse

ElspethFlashman · 02/02/2019 16:57

Omg dump him.

Don't tell him it's about money though. I guarantee he'll act mortally wounded, deeply offended, and gaslight you that he actually offered to pay LOADS of times. He'll huffily remind you that you've talked about the future where you'd be sharing everything so you're being oh so petty now.

There is no way he won't turn it around on you. You don't need that shit.

But yeah he's a cocklodger who loves your flat and your car more than you.

Ylvamoon · 02/02/2019 17:00

What theworldistoosmall said. Best to have an adult conversation about it.

adultcat · 02/02/2019 17:01

It really does seem like he's taking advantage..
Have you met his son? Is he on social media etc and evidence of your relationship on it?

I really think that you need to have a chat with him if you want things to continue... Or finish things...

Atalune · 02/02/2019 17:01

Are you sure he’s split with his wife?

Go see him at his house tomorrow. Text and say- I’m on my way up to see you, xxx

Either-
Ask him for a contribution
Tell him to do one

ImNotKitten · 02/02/2019 17:02

So essentially he lodges with you for free in the week then goes home each weekend to enjoy himself? Him going home even when his son isn’t there says it all. He isn’t including you in his life, just using you as a convenience to suit himself. Where did he stay during the week before he met you?

LannieDuck · 02/02/2019 17:02

Have you had a conversation about this? See if you can have a calm chat about how your bills have rocketed since he's been staying over, and he needs to start contributing to them.

Also, does he do half the cooking and housework while he's there? If not, I suggest he ought to start...

Stopwoofing · 02/02/2019 17:03

I don’t know, he may be attached to having his own space sometimes - op sounds like she’s a bit fed up with him sprawling over her space (understandably). I do thing it’s time to make decisions though

LaughingCow99 · 02/02/2019 17:03

He's a cocklodger. Of course he knows how electricity works and that he is using yours. He sounds very tight to have not offered. Get rid

Tensixtysix · 02/02/2019 17:06

Sorry, but he is using you! Little bit on the side with benefits...
Ditch him quick and find someone nicer.

Missingstreetlife · 02/02/2019 17:07

Why are you afraid to speak your mind. He's a cheeky fucker. Just tell him.
Have I seen a very similar post a couple of weeks ago?

BumbleBeee69 · 02/02/2019 17:07

his outgoings are zero thanks to you, he's taking the PI$$ on a massive scale Flowers

JudgeRindersMinder · 02/02/2019 17:07

If I’m being kind I’d say that because he’s on a very decent salary utility bills and shopping etc just don’t hit his radar as it’s a tiny proportion of his income, and it’s not uncommon for people on that kind of income to not see how it affects those on a lower income (usually at least 1-2 threads daily on men show this)

If I’m being cynical, are you sure it’s just his son he sees at weekends at “his” house

Original poster
Dominique82 · 02/02/2019 17:07

I know it seems mad I haven’t talked to him about finances. But all of this has happened so ...quietly. Time flies so quickly, and before I knew, he had a key, took a few drawers, and was staying 4-5 nights. I agree there is not much in for me, and if I sound not so much in love, then that is probably true. I was definitely madly in love the first two years, but then his behaviour started worry me.
I know i shouldn’t compare him to my exes, but my previous boyfriend of 8 years didn’t let me pay for anything and treated me like a princess.
So the idea that he is paying for his share of bills and rent in holidays is so alien to me. But maybe I am expecting too much.
Now I feel like a Cinderella. Not saying that I am expecting a Rolex watch and Chanel handbags, but come on, you could pay at least something.

Well ladies, thank you very much. I am going to say on Monday that we need to talk honey bunnney

OP posts:
Juells · 02/02/2019 17:07

You're living together, only not really, so you can't ask for expenses to be split. It's all unfair on you. As PP have said, have a conversation with him about car/heating bills, and him taking over your flat, and see how he responds. That should tell you a lot.

Tensixtysix · 02/02/2019 17:08

And change your locks! If he truly wants your company, then he will stay at a local hotel/B&B near you.

Original poster
Dominique82 · 02/02/2019 17:09

Yep, he goes home on weekend to enjoy himself. I have not met his son. I am not friends with him on Facebook. His wife and son live in another house (seen her Instagram).

OP posts:
lifebegins50 · 02/02/2019 17:10

Missed your update. This isn't about money (although it's important as he is taking advantage materialistically) and you are obviously not at stage where money is no object.
This is about his self centredness. I bet he looks like a great catch from the outside yet a man who pays 80k for a car (even if company car he will be taxed to the hilt) and has a child shows it's all about him. He may use the car to lower CMS payments to his ex btw.
he says that I am always invited. But I never get asked ‘so when are you coming for the weekend?’

This is a very clever technique designed to make you feel like you can't ask.

He seems to be clever, driven and successful but he also seems very selfish and lacking in empathy. He knows it costs you more but very happy to take advantage of you.

Your unhappiness is because you know deep down that his actions show he doesn't really care for you. It's not your fault and you deserve better.

I would ask him to take a break from staying and see how his attitude is. I predict he will sulk a little but sort out s solution as nothing or no one will stop him looking out for himself.

TaimaandRanyasBestFriend · 02/02/2019 17:10

What Elspeth said. You know damn well he's taking the piss. He will never ever change. Do not uproot your life for him, he's not a keeper. He's tight and has more baggage than Heathrow airport. Don't you think you deserve better than this? He throws out a few tidbits and expects you to scrabble over the scraps? EVERYTHING is about himself and what's to his best interest, not yours. Now you know why he's divorced.

'This relationship isn't working for me anymore. It's not going anywhere and on top of that I'm being used. I'm sick of subbing you to live in my house. You're selfish. I'm done. We're through. Goodbye.'

Job done.

Bringbackthestripes · 02/02/2019 17:11

I just got a huge gas and electricity bill for the past 3 months, which I told him about. His response - wow that’s high. Has there been an increase ?

Why didn’t you say then that, being as he is spending the majority of the week with you and are running up the bills, you need him to contribute? That would have shown you whether he is just thoughtless or actually using you.

You need to have a serious talk if you want to continue the relationship or turf him out if you can’t get past feeling used.

OctoberGirl91 · 02/02/2019 17:12

You've been together 3 years and never met his son ? Seems a bit strange, maybe like you said he feels he's getting a good deal.

You need to have a talk with him, any reason you aren't friends on Facebook?

xx

lifebegins50 · 02/02/2019 17:12

So he is still married, after 3 years???

TaimaandRanyasBestFriend · 02/02/2019 17:13

But all of this has happened so ...quietly. Time flies so quickly, and before I knew, he had a key, took a few drawers, and was staying 4-5 nights.

No it didn't. He's not stupid. He did this stealthily for a reason. The 'we need to talk' will not work because he's quite manipulative. He'll twist things round and gaslight you so you capitulate and he keeps things sweet a while longer.

It's quite obvious you don't love him. Who would? He takes advantage. It's a dead end relationship.

Just drop him. If you do it now that's one less day he's using up your power and gas. What a cocklodging have he is.