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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help. I really need advice

87 replies

purplemum · 05/09/2004 13:44

Please can some one help me because i don't know what to do.
I've just found out i'm pg with my 3rd baby and i'm quite excited about the idea. My dh on the other hand is not.
As soon as i told him he said that i needed to go to the docs asap and arrange an abortion. I do know everyone has there own opinion on this matter, but i personly feel that i would be murdering my own child. I just couldn't do it.
I love my husband very much and our relationship is one that is fantastic. But i dont feel that he's being very reasonable.
If i keep this baby Then eventually he will come round to the idea but i dont think things would be right. He'd probably feel resentful towards the child for ruining our relationship. (I don't know that for certain though)
On the other hand if i get rid of this baby (sounds awful i know) then he will be back to normal. He will touch me ,speak to me and even laugh with me. The trouble is i will always have a black cloud over my head. I dont think i would ever forgive myself.
Normaly our relationship is always on top form. We have regular sex. we laugh we joke and we are best of friends. We have just come to a large hurdle and i'm not sure how to get over it.
Thankyou for reading this far if you have, and i would apreciate any honest opinions on what you would do.

OP posts:
pixiefish · 05/09/2004 13:46

keep tha baby and if he wants to go let him

earlygirl · 05/09/2004 13:49

ditto i couldnt have an ab so there'd be no choice to make.......let him work it out in his own head if you are the best of friends then he should be able to understand even if he doesnt agree

daisy1999 · 05/09/2004 13:54

Talk to him and explain exactly how you feel, if the relationship is good you'll work it out I'm sure.

SenoraPostrophe · 05/09/2004 13:55

Well I am staunchly "pro choice" in the case of abortion and don't consider it to be murder.

However, if you are against it, then please don't do it. Your dh may resent you/the baby, yes, but if you did have an abortion you would resent him. Your relationship would suffer anyway and as you say, he might come round if you have the baby. If he really is your "best friend" he will understand.

emmatmg · 05/09/2004 13:58

and if he really didn't want another baby he should have used a condom or have the snip.

CP3 · 05/09/2004 13:58

So sorry to hear of your predicament. You know in your heart you cant abort this baby, whichever you choose there are going to be relationship problems. You have two children allready, i cant see a third being too much trouble.

You didnt get pregnant on your own, your dh had a hand in it, He needs to step back a bit and realise what he is doing to you and the family.

Good luck Pm, keep us posted, Im sure it will all work out in the end. Your Dp may just be in shock and thats why hes being totally unreasonable

daisy1999 · 05/09/2004 14:00

People can react strangely to surprise news my bet is he'll come round when you explain how you feel.

Original poster
purplemum · 05/09/2004 14:07

Thankyou all. You're all so right. And as you said cp3 in my heart i cant go through with this. He felt similar when i was pg with the other 2. If you could see him now with them both he's a fantastic father. I think he's worried about not being able to support us(a man thing i know)But i wouldnt care if he was the richest man alive. I love my family and if that means three kids then i'm happy

OP posts:
joanneg · 05/09/2004 14:09

purple mum as much as you feel that he will resent you or the baby if you keep the pregnancy imagine how you feel if you go through the abortion (against what you believe) afterwards towards him. Will you be able to maintain your realtionship and be ok if this problem 'goes away' I am not so sure. I would take expert help in deciding your decsion. I think that you both need to go to the doctors or family planning and ask for some councilling in helping you both sort this out. ((hugs)) to you in this time which should be a hapy one

anorak · 05/09/2004 15:29

I agree with everyone else. You have to keep the baby or you will never get over it. If it were me I would keep the baby and risk losing him. And I really really don't want another baby, but I know I couldn't bring myself to terminate.

lilibet · 05/09/2004 15:33

I had an unwanted third pregnancy and he is now the most gorgeous 7 year old in the world. You must talk to your dh, and do not be forced into having an abortion against your will.
And if he is so against having any more babies, send him for the snip so that you dont get in this situation again!!

aloha · 05/09/2004 15:41

Well, of course you can't terminate your baby, feeling the way you do. But you do need to talk to your husband about his extreme, panicky reaction.
Congratulations on your news, btw.

lou33 · 05/09/2004 15:43

Has he said why he feels this way?

Original poster
purplemum · 05/09/2004 15:50

He just says he's happy with 2 and that we cant afford a third child. The truth is we cant afford any but that doesnt stop us from having 2 very happy, warm, well fed children. What difference will a third be. Hand me down clothes from dd and ds, and i breast fed my last one so i dont need to buy formula. I've tried to get more out of him but at the moment he's certain he just doesn't want any more. We're going round in circles

OP posts:
earlygirl · 05/09/2004 15:56

yeah congratulations too purplemum
maybe hell come round after he gets over the shock- i hope so

nutcracker · 05/09/2004 15:59

Hi Purplemum, Sorry you are in this situation.

I have had a termination after discovering i was pregnant 3mths after the birth of Dd2.
Quite simply, i wish i had never had the termination and have been haunted by it since.\

My dp didn't force me to have it, and didn't even say that he wouldn't support me if i wanted to keep it, but i just knew he wasn't happy about keeping the baby.
It would have only taken one person to tell me that it would be o.k and i would cope and that dp would accept it eventually, but they didn't so i went ahead and terminated.

I didn't blame dp for it as he didn't give me an ultimatum, but i did feel angry towards him for a while as i felt he could have told me it would be fine and he didn't.

I would explain to him that if you were to have a termination then you would probab;ly end up hating him for it, and see what he says.

Please though, do what you want to do, don't let him push you into something you don't want to do.

Sorry if i've waffled on a bit.

Hope it all works out o.k xxxxxxxx

bitter · 05/09/2004 16:54

I have also been in your shoes. We had endless discussions and went for counselling. Like nutcracker, all I wanted was for someone to give me permission to have the baby. Everyone was against it, including my mother.

I sat in that clinic waiting and thought I don't want to do this, but couldn't face what DH and mum would say if I backed out.

I was scared of messing up everyone else's lives (older children doing A levels and GCSEs, and other child just leaving primary so that DH could change jobs) and I thought it would destroy our relationship to have the baby.

Of course after the termination things changed around anyway. Eldest child left home, DH didn't change job. There is hardly a day goes by when I don't regret what I did, and resent my DH for making me do it. The relationship is very strained. He won't talk about it because he says there is no point. I've given up trying to talk to him at all and make damn sure we never have sex (if I've got to suffer he can too).

My advice would be to be guided by your heart. If you want to have the baby don't think about anyone else. I put everyone else first and I really regret it.

Christie · 05/09/2004 16:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gothicmama · 05/09/2004 16:57

Go with what your heart tells you - you always have to live with yourself

Tortington · 05/09/2004 19:11

i would tell him if he didnt want any more kids to go and get a vasectomy. its great how they put it all on our shoulders is'nt it. well its not just you. it took two to make it and if you dont want to get rid of the baby - maybe you should inform him of what is involved in a termination. am sure they think you just go into hospital and come out again and the problem has " gone away". dont let him live in ignorance. help him to come to a comprimise with you through information

Original poster
purplemum · 05/09/2004 19:27

I am really gratful for everyones advice on this thread so thankyou. I would also like to say a big thankyou to nutcracker and bitter. I have been looking this afternoon at sites aboy abortion. The whole time i was reading through them i was in tears. You are so right that i will always feel guilt. I myself am dead against abortion but would never EVER condem anyone for going through one. You are braver people than I. I know that if I went through one I wouldnt cope and i would be doing it for all the wrong reasons. If i go to the docs tomorow and he told me i needed one then i would except that. But as things are going so far i can't. Unfortunatly i have no friends or family around me at the mo who can support me so whatever my decision i'm on my own (if dh does go). I think this is whats making my decision harder

OP posts:
aloha · 05/09/2004 19:43

I am fiercely pro-choice, but ONLY if the woman herself really wants a termination. You should never, ever, ever IMO have a termination because someone else wants you to. It's your body, your baby, and it has to be your decision. You would clearly be destroyed by 'killing' your baby (as you would see it) so it would be a terrible thing to do and I suspect it would destroy your marriage and your personal happiness. You clearly cannot do it and you need to make it clear to your husband that it is simply not an option and that he can't make you, so you can get on with discussing what you will do. And a Custardo says, FFS, he helped to make this baby and he has to start taking responsibility and stop panicking and saying stupid things.

JoolsToo · 05/09/2004 20:09

only piece of advice I can give you is 'to thine ownself be true!'

Jimjams · 05/09/2004 20:11

Agree with aloha. I'm fairly certain if I had a termination against my wishes then I would take the same route as bitter and would never let him touch me again.

tigerfairy · 05/09/2004 20:49

Oh, please keep the baby. If you have an abortion you'll resent yourself and your dh. I'm sure he will come round to the idea of a 3rd child and afterall he had a hand in making it! Three children are really no more expense or trouble than two either. Our 3rd dd (Now 4) was an unplanned surprise, and she is so gorgeous and I couldn't imagine life without her. I hope things work out ok for you.

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