Please help. I really need advice

[purplemum]

Please can some one help me because i don't know what to do.
I've just found out i'm pg with my 3rd baby and i'm quite excited about the idea. My dh on the other hand is not.
As soon as i told him he said that i needed to go to the docs asap and arrange an abortion. I do know everyone has there own opinion on this matter, but i personly feel that i would be murdering my own child. I just couldn't do it.
I love my husband very much and our relationship is one that is fantastic. But i dont feel that he's being very reasonable.
If i keep this baby Then eventually he will come round to the idea but i dont think things would be right. He'd probably feel resentful towards the child for ruining our relationship. (I don't know that for certain though)
On the other hand if i get rid of this baby (sounds awful i know) then he will be back to normal. He will touch me ,speak to me and even laugh with me. The trouble is i will always have a black cloud over my head. I dont think i would ever forgive myself.
Normaly our relationship is always on top form. We have regular sex. we laugh we joke and we are best of friends. We have just come to a large hurdle and i'm not sure how to get over it.
Thankyou for reading this far if you have, and i would apreciate any honest opinions on what you would do.

purplemum, i found out i was pg with my second child last april. my partner was against it, my family were against it. i had no means to support a child and i certainly didnt want one in the circumstances. i cried for months solid and wasnt capable of going to work. i booked a termination twice and just could not go through with it. i know its not the same as your situation but in the end i knew that if i had this baby i would be on my own for a very long time. i sat in my first anti-natal appointment crying to my gp that i couldnt have this baby and she gave me the most valuable piece of advice. she said that if i wanted a termination then fine but she knew i didnt. she then said "for you, logically it would be the best thing......but it is the best thing for you emotionally?" i broke my heart over it all and then i decided i was keeping the baby, no matter what the consequences. when my family phoned and told me how stupid i was being in the end i said "look, you wont change my mind and if you care about me then just be happy for me, if you cant do that then dont speak to me at all". ive now got the most beautiful 7 month old girl. i lost my partner and my job but i wouldnt change a thing. when i think what i almost did i feel horrified. im not against abortion at all but please, if you dont want to do that then dont....you will regret it for ever. you will be ok im sure...just please dont be forced into something like this.

What a sad story nightowl .....but happy in that you have a beautiful daughter

Purplemum, I personally feel that I would have a termination if I got pg again with a 3rd. However you obviously want this baby - YOU are the one pg, so I think you should definitely keep him/her and hope he will come round just keep on explaining your feelings to him - how you might never be able to forgive him if he made you have a termination.
Loads of luck.

purplemum I'm in almost exactly the same position just now - except that dh now SAYING that he feels a BIT more positive, though he's certainly not showing it.
When he said he felt I should have a d&C, I told him that I just couldn't do it.
His concerns were that dd now 4 so big age gap, hard on me cos of age (we're both over 40), we were just starting to be able to do more things with her like camping etc etc etc. None of which I felt were good enough reasons for having an abortion despite the fact that I've been asking him for ages to get the snip.
Well he's booked in for the snip now, and is gradually coming round I think, but I am so sad (and angry) that he can't show just a little bit of joy at number two. He's certainly succeeded in making my pregnancy so far pretty miserable, but I'm just hoping that things improve.
When are you due? I'm early may.

Hi Purplemum, I hope I can make things seem like things might get better...! I found out I was pregnant unexpectedly (!) earlier this year. My and DP have been together three years now, live together and both have good stable jobs and would have ideally liked to of had a child in about a years time. But DP was absolutely horrified that I was pregnant and for one very difficult month I toyed with the idea of abortion (as he wanted me to) but just could not do it. I have always felt I wouldn't be able to and just didn't feel any differently.

In the end DP threatened to leave me if I didn't have an abortion, several times over. So I arranged to leave. To cut a long story short he changed his mind.

Since this he has become so lovely about it all, I am repeating an old story sorry! But he talks to my belly, plays it music asks after baby at least once a day and is always trying to get my belly out in public . He loves shopping for baby and tells me how excited about the baby he is. It's great! And I feel really lucky. And from the man he was when he found out to the man he is now is such a difference.

What I am trying to say is that sometimes the whole unexpectedness and shock of it all does make some men respond in unpleasant ways. The most important thing to think about is what you want to do and try and work out what would be easier for you to live with. I would imagine he would not leave you if you kept this child, but it may be an eventuallity you have to prepare for.

It is so hard because it is ultimately your choice and this completely disempowers the man. But I would of been able to live with myself having this child and loosing DP, but I would of had a lifetimes regret if I aborted and would of probably lost DP through the hurt of it all. Your situation is of course different because you have your other children to consider. I hope you work things out, make sure you keep us informed, whatever your decision people will offer you support and kind thoughts here.

Purplemum -
Do you think it is possible that it is not the actual pregnancy that is causing problems between you and dh, but you different reactions to it? You (understandably) started off saying you are 'quite excited'. If you had started off feeling huge consternation along the same lines as your DH, feeling that there would be things for you to struggle with, but you could do it together, do you think he would have feel less isolated? maybe it's 'your exciting pregnancy', rather than 'your joint pregnancy which will bring joys and ( realistically) pressures'. TBH, I think it unlikely that a loving Dad would abandon his gorgeous children and wife simply because of a third - especially if it is something you do together. Give him time, don't expect him to be delighted instantly, and find out how you can help him face the difficulties he feels a thrid child might create for him.

Congratulations, and Good luck.

Purplemum, it may be worth reminding him about the 'for better or for worse' part of the wedding ceremony.

I had a termination and I can honestly say I never ever regretted it. I had got pregnant and dh was horrified as well. I was happy to be pregnant (I thought I would never get pregnant) but was slightly ambivalent about having a baby. The way I looked at it was, dh and I were a team. Three quarters of that team (all of him and half of me) didn't want a baby at that point. I had a termination on the understanding that we would try for a baby a year later. One year a nd 9 months later, the sluglet was born.

You need to discuss with your husband just exactly why it is he doesn't want another child. Is it forever? or just for now? Would he consider thinking baby again in a year or two.

he is as responsible as you for creating the baby. You need to sit down together and really talk through the issues - he - why is so against it (maybe he is just scared of the challenge) - you - why you can't face an abortion.

And while your at it - decide how you are going to prevent yourselves getting in the same situation again .

I hope you manage to sort something out that suits you all.

My heart goes out to you purplemum. What a sad situation to be in. I don't feel I have enough experience to offer any practical advice but maybe it would help you to go to Relate/Couple Counselling.

Maybe it would help you both to talk this through with someone neutral?

Good luck...don't be forced into doing something that will make you unhappy.

I was in a very similar situation to you when I found out that I was unexpectantly pregnant with ds2.
My husband would have been happy to not have any children atall & was not happy about having a second child atall.
Although he did not overly pressure me 2 have a termination, he made it clear that he would have preffered me to & thought of the new life as just a bunch of cells that could be easily got rid of in a few minutes & everything would be back to normal in our life.
I on the other hand knew that I would not be able to live with myself if I terminated & it would have caused a huge rift in our relationship forever.
Evan though I had a unhappy pregnancy (as dh did not seem to get any happier about the situation) & suffered with both ante natal & post natal depression as a result, I still do not regret my desion for one minute. I know that if I had terminated just to please my husband that I would have held it against him & we would have ended up seperating.
As it is now, after counselling & time I have got over the depression that the pregnancy caused & both dh & myself could not imagine life without our little boy.
Go with what your heart is telling you to do.

Why do things have to be so complicated. He's just tried the ultimatum 'Its the baby or me'
I asked him if that was just an excuse of leaving me but he said no. If he really loves me why is he hurting me so much. I'd like to be able to sit and talk with him but he just won't listen. Everytime we start ont he conversation it just ends in him saying 'i dont want another child'. I'm not even able to get my point across. For the last 2 nights i've been sat up until 2ish crying. Will it get easier

purplemum you should never have a termination of a baby for someone else. In his heart of hearts he must know this too.
Be strong.

Purplemum, I'm just throwing ideas around, but has he thought how your other two children would take it if their dad left their mum because he didn't want their brother or sister (assuming that you go ahead and he leaves)? Could he really go on being a dad and visiting/having access to two of his children and completely reject the third one? I know there are underlying fears for him, but when reality hits home, could he really reject your third child and jeapardise the loving close family that you have?

Hi again Purplemum, sorry this is still causing you so much heart ache. I posted on this last night, but your last comment is so reminiscint of my situation. My DP threatened me over and over again to leave me if I didn't have the abortion, as I said last night the only thing to change his mind was when I arranged to leave. I have asked him about this since and he will openly admit that by making this threat was his only way of feeling that he held any power. He didn't really think he ever would have left me.

The way I looked at the whole situation was would I really want to give up a baby for a man who was so readily prepared to give me up? And if I did this with him who was to say he wouldn't leave me at the next hurdle we faced together. Please do what you feel is the best for YOU purplemum.

purplemum i really feel for you -be strong xxx

How old are your other two children Purplemum? Do you think there are other issues behind his reaction, such as the fear of sharing his wife with yet another child? Because if that is the case, then the childish ultimatum of "me or the baby" has to be carefully handled (even though it's bang out of order IMO). The early years of mother and baby can be such an exclusive love affair that some men feel quite a grievous sense of loss (just throwing out suggestions here as I have no idea of your situation) and maybe the ultimatum is a clumsy test? I think the suggestion of counselling or mediation is a good one, if he won't even discuss the situation with you.
As for his ultimatum - if he's worried about the cost of three children, how much more expensive would the cost of two households be if you split up? That's worth putting to him next time he brings it up.

Hope that doesn't sound unsupportive - I agree with all the others , don't be pressured into anything. It is YOUR choice, and one he should discuss with you rationally and support you through emotionally. I just wanted to suggest different angles to try and get him to talk.

Purplemum, please keep the baby. I can only imagine that to have a termination will cause more problems in your relationship if you stay together than to keep the baby. He would be a very strange man(to put it politely) if he wasn't able to love his 3rd newborn. And what would your older children think of him once they understood that why he left.

God, my heart really goes out to you purplemum, please keep the baby (I'm not anti-abortion by the way....but I am when it's not YOUR choice). Don't let him bully you into it, you'll never forgive him and you'll will always regret it.

I'm sorry if I've been abit harsh.

My heart goes out to you, too. I told dh about this last night and he was horrified that someone could react in this way, but I agree with all the people who have said that this sounds like a panic reaction on the part of your dh. Please follow your instincts and keep the baby.

Purplemum,
I really feel for you. I can't believe how complicated life can be sometimes.
I think you should keep the baby... if you have an abortion, it will be so difficult to get over the pressure your dh has put you under. I t will be so hard to stay with him knowing all of this.
If he leaves, well, he leaves. It will be so strange of him to see the older two and not the younger one.. I can't see how it would work in his head.
I think if he is as lovely as you say, he will come round in the end. he is using the biggest threat he has available to get you to have a termination. He is struggling too, he must be so scared of having a third.
Maybe approach him with all of your worries about it, and try a "devil's advocate" discussion. Don't get too heated, though. I know it must be so hard to keep your head, but I think you will end up with dh and a new baby, just talk gently and calmly and let him know how much you love him.
I do hope it works for you, I'm sure it will.

Imagine yourself in the future, maybe four years ahead, if you had a termination to 'keep' him. Honestly, how do you think you will feel towards him? Do you really think you could go back to how you were? How would you deal with your feelings of being forced into something so irrevocable? As others have said, if he really could leave you over this, he could leave you over anything. I think - and hope - that this is a hollow threat made in a state of panic.

Things are a litlle better today. This morning when we got up he went straight to the kitchen to get everyone a drink so i could sit down. Then he got the kids their breakfast. When it was time for work he gave ds and dd a kiss, then came to me and just said' i'm so sorry for what i said last night'. As you can imagine i turned into a blubbering mess and he wasn't far from one. He said we will talk later. I did manage to say that there's no way i can even think about making any decisions yet because of the way he's treating me. I think he understood that and appologised again.
Thankyou all once again. I hope you all realise how much you are all helping me through this.
Turquoise i think you've hit the nail on the head. I do think he's jelouse of the small stage. dd is just a year old and was breast fed for 8 months. I always felt he was envious in some way of her. He is even more of ds who is 4. i'm really close to my boy. I do wonder if he feels threatend by another. He's really just got used to the idea of 2 children so a third is rocking the boat. None of that helps this situation though

Glad things are looking a litle brighter Purplemum . Willl you be able to get the kids to sleep early so you can have a nice meal and a long talk about everything. Nothing worse than trying to talk when the kis are around.

Good Luck, will be thinking of you

I have been following this threat for the last couple of days but have found it difficult to post as even now my experience is painful,have changed name for this.

I was in exactely your situation 7 years ago this week,I had an 8 month old baby and a 4 year old .We had recently moved and dh was in new job and I had an awful pregnancy with ds2.Also had fantastic marriage to my best friend .When I told him I was pregnant the look on his face said it all,sheer panic I love him so much and stupidly it was me that mentioned the termination first hoping that would shock him into it but instead he was so relieved,deep down I wanted that baby so much but I just didn't have the confidence to stick it out ,I felt that having the baby would make me the selfish one ,especially as he pointed out that ds1 would have to be taken away from the private school where he had just started and we would have to stay in our rented house etc...I had never seen him like this he was always the calm one keeping things together.He didn't force me in fact he did say on the day that I could back out at any time but I didn't and there is never a day that goes past that I don't think about the baby and wonder about them,I planted a peony in the garden to remember them.

We BOTH regret it now and have talked about it ,in retrospect it would have been pretty difficult;that year dh worked every weekend but 4 and ds2 is borderline special needs and didn't walk until 20 months and it would have been very difficult for him to have another only 16 months younger and overtaking him but those are all head things and my heart will never forgive myself.

3 years later my gorgeous ds3 was born who we all adore ,he was planned and although dh did need a little persuading I think he knew that it was the only way I would ever be able to cope,he also confessed to being scared that he wouldn't have enough love for another as he loved the two eldest so much.I know he also regrets his actions and worries about the emotional blackmail,but we all make mistakes .

He is a fantasic dad and dh but I just wish we had taken more time to make the decision I can't help feeling that we rushed into things in a panic

Give him and youself time ,don't rush into things I will never forgive myself the grief took me by surprise.If you want the baby stick to your guns he will come round ,we got through it but the sadness will always be there the only compensation is that if things had worked out differently I would not have my wonderful ds3 and I can't imagine life without him.

My thoughts are with you and your dh.

Regrets - that has made me cry.

Purplemum - I know that, if I were in your position, I would not be able to give the baby up, even if it meant losing my dh and being a single mum. I would never forgive myself, or my dh, if I had an abortion, and I know that it would tear us apart eventually. You sound as if you are in the same boat, and I really do feel for you. Please don't do something this major just for your dh.

He's in a panic. If he has any brain at all he knows it is just a panicked threat.Handle him carefully and he will come round. It is not an ideal situation but the alternatives (him leaving or you having an abortion,) are not options.

SO he really thinks he will leave you and the kids if you refuse to abort this baby? He will stand up in front of his friends and family and colleagues and if asked, say he left you because you refused to have an abortion?
I don't think so somehow.