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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please help. I really need advice

87 replies

purplemum · 05/09/2004 13:44

Please can some one help me because i don't know what to do.
I've just found out i'm pg with my 3rd baby and i'm quite excited about the idea. My dh on the other hand is not.
As soon as i told him he said that i needed to go to the docs asap and arrange an abortion. I do know everyone has there own opinion on this matter, but i personly feel that i would be murdering my own child. I just couldn't do it.
I love my husband very much and our relationship is one that is fantastic. But i dont feel that he's being very reasonable.
If i keep this baby Then eventually he will come round to the idea but i dont think things would be right. He'd probably feel resentful towards the child for ruining our relationship. (I don't know that for certain though)
On the other hand if i get rid of this baby (sounds awful i know) then he will be back to normal. He will touch me ,speak to me and even laugh with me. The trouble is i will always have a black cloud over my head. I dont think i would ever forgive myself.
Normaly our relationship is always on top form. We have regular sex. we laugh we joke and we are best of friends. We have just come to a large hurdle and i'm not sure how to get over it.
Thankyou for reading this far if you have, and i would apreciate any honest opinions on what you would do.

OP posts:

moomina · 07/09/2004 21:41

Purplemum, I really hope you and your dh are able to talk tonight about all of this. I really feel for you - what an awful situation. But I would echo what everyone else has said - please don't terminate this pregnancy because someone else wants you to. Even if that someone else is your dh.

The jealousy/feeling pushed out thing does make me roll my eyes a bit but nevertheless if it is what he is feeling, you obviously need to discuss it. Of course he has a right to express his misgivings but I hope that he will soon see that his worries about financial issues, jealousy, whatever are pretty ridiculous when it comes to the crunch and in the light of what he is asking of you. After all, who among us can honestly say that our babies came along at exactly the pefect time and caused no problems at all in our relationships?

FWIW, I am sure he will come around. But even if he doesn't, you need to be true to yourself and your heart. Thinking of you.

Slink · 07/09/2004 22:12

Hang in there. I am with the others. How old are your other children.
Have that talk good luck xxxxxxxxx

MeanBean · 07/09/2004 22:15

Good luck Purplemum. Hope you talk him round. But as others have said, don't let the fear of your marriage collapsing force you into getting rid of a baby you want. Your marriage will collapse anyway if you do, because the chances of you ever being able to forgive him are remote. So would you rather it collapsed with or without a new baby? And in fact, it's more likely to survive if you do have the baby, because if he is even half-way decent, he won't behave with such shocking immorality and cruelty as to abandon his wife and children because one of them wasn't disposed of at his whim.

nappybaglady · 07/09/2004 22:32

purplemum - just wanted to add my support. Do what YOU need to.

Remember that men are emotionally backward (sorry fellas - I know that's a bit harsh) and he probably is just struggling to figure it all out. He probably feels too responsible - finances, etc.

I worry what would happen with my DH if we were in this situation. Dads can't feel the same as mums about pregnancy but if, as you say, he's a great dad surely he'll be won over by another newborn.

Good luck. Be strong. Picture your 2 big kids splashing in the bath with number 3.

Take care of yourself. I'm sure so many of us are thinking of you.

differentchatname · 07/09/2004 22:41

Hi purplemum, have changed my name for this. I got pregnant to an xb in my late teens and straight away had it terminated with no regrets at the time. When I was having problems with dh a couple of years ago I talked to a couple of psychics and one said that she saw I had three children (have two with dh). It took me several minutes to realise that she meant my first pregnancy. She said he was a boy of around seven and was tall like his Dad. I completely lost it and she reassured me that it was not wrong what I did and he did not hate me for it, that under the circumstances it was the only thing I could do. After that I grieved for the first time over the termination and although I still do not regret it, there will always be a sadness within me because of it. Please go with your instincts on this, and take your time. Better to regret becoming pregnant and struggle than to have a termination and find you'll regret the decision. Take care. xx

nappybaglady · 08/09/2004 22:54

Purplemum - are you OK?

I'm logging off now but wanted you to know that someone's been thinking about you today. Take care

emmatmg · 09/09/2004 10:37

Ditto nappybaglady, except I'm logging on to see if thing are looking brighter.

Thinking of you Purplemum, hope you've managed to talk to DH.

Original poster

purplemum · 09/09/2004 10:38

Thankyou all once again for your support, but things have just taken a turn. I got up this morning in quite a lot of pain and started bleeding. So i think we can all guess whats going to happen next. If it doesn't rain, it pores

OP posts:

clairabelle · 09/09/2004 10:41

Oh purplemum I'm so so sorry, bless your heart. Big hugs

MummyToSteven · 09/09/2004 10:43

purplemum, so sorry if it does turn out to be an m/c. Could you go to the EPU at your local hospital for a scan just to make sure what is happening. IMHO bleeding and a BFP should be investigated to exclude possibility of an ectopic. Not saying that is likely, but best to be safe than sorry. Many people have bleeds that turn out to be threatened m/c rather than actual m/c. take care

Original poster

purplemum · 09/09/2004 10:45

Thankyou clairabelle. I just feel so numb. It feels so odd. I've never misscarried before so i'm not sure whats happening or what to do. I'm still trying to get the drs but i cant get through. The epu said they cant help me untill i'm reffered from my dr. I'm now looking up the nhs direct site to see if they've got any info. Looks like the only way i'm going to get seen is if i go to casualty and sit there for hours

OP posts:

Blu · 09/09/2004 10:45

Very sad for you, Purplemum.

clairabelle · 09/09/2004 10:47

Hold on and try and see your Gp there's nothing worse than sitting in A&E and sadly there is very little you can do either way, it's in the lap of the gods now so sorry.

emmatmg · 09/09/2004 10:49

oh, purplemum.....I'm really sad for you.
I really hope it's not a MC. I had bleeding with DS3 and it's all turned out ok.

I'll be keeping everything crossed for you.

Wills · 09/09/2004 10:56

Oh purplemum. Fingers crossed for you. I desperately hope this is not a m/c however if it is then the pregnancy was not meant to be. Whatever happens don't ever feel any guilt. I had a m/c at 8 weeks and for the two weeks prior to that I had been feeling nervous that we were taking on too much etc etc etc - all very normal feelings. When I lost the baby I felt that somehow I'd caused it by being unsure - but that's crap! Unfortunately what will be will be. Sending you tonnes and tonnes of hugs and hoping that all will be well. Look after yourself.

nappybaglady · 10/09/2004 13:26

Didn't log on yesterday. I'm so so sorry to read your latest news purplemum. Once again all I can say is take care. It sound as though behind his confusion yourDH is a nice person - I hope he's being gentle with your emotions just now.

wild · 10/09/2004 13:58

Thinking of you purplemum. Whatever happens you did everything right. Let dh help.

emmatmg · 11/09/2004 16:03

how are you, purplemum?

Original poster

purplemum · 11/09/2004 16:35

Unfortunatly it was a m/c. I know i shouldn't but i do feel guilty. My dh (besides his recent behaviour) has been absolutly wonderful. He appologised for the way he was again and then said that he never wanted any of this. We are talking through this. I'm starting to get my head round things (i think) and i dont feel as bad today. Once again though i would like to thank everyone for all their support. so a big THANKYOU

OP posts:

MeanBean · 11/09/2004 16:40

Purplemum, so sorry. I hope you and your DH can get everything sorted and get emotionally back together again.

emmatmg · 11/09/2004 16:42

purplemum.........I'm soooooo sorry to hear that.

Shit, I don't really know what to say........I hope you and Dh are ok and....god I don't know.

I'm really gutted for you.

Turquoise · 11/09/2004 16:47

God Purplemum, I'm so sorry. Take care of yourself x

MummyToSteven · 11/09/2004 17:36

so sorry to hear that Purplemum.

anorak · 11/09/2004 18:28

So sorry purplemum. Lots of love xxx

Kayleigh · 11/09/2004 18:47

So sorry purplemum

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