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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am really uncomfortable about this. What do you think?

80 replies

SilverHype · 26/01/2019 13:50

A few days ago we saw a close family member who hasn’t seen dd for about six months, she’s 14. Pretty much the first comment he made to her was about how she’d developed and he couldn’t believe it, it was very clear what he meant. Dd was mortified and looked at me totally shocked and her face just flooded bright red. I was shocked and angry and told him immediately not to speak to her like that and that it was completely inappropriate for him to comment on her body and not to do it again. He brushed it off and changed the subject. Later I told her she never has to accept comments like that and if she doesn’t feel able to stand up for herself to tell me and I will help her to do it.

I’m just really bothered by it. He had been drinking and they’ve always got on well before but it was just so inappropriate and as a family member why would he think he should comment on this? I know there’s nothing else to really do or say but I just feel really bothered and angry about it. Dd has not mentioned it today but I am livid that this early age she’s got grown men already commenting on her body AND he’s supposedly a trusted family member.

I’ve name changed for this as I don’t want it related to my other posts. I’ve been on MN for years. What would you think about this? And did I handle it right?

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 26/01/2019 14:00

it was very clear what he meant. Dd was mortified and looked at me totally shocked

So he said "Wow you've grown tits" or similar? Obviously thats horrible but what have you done to teach her how to manage such remarks in future?

CarolDanvers · 26/01/2019 14:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

8FencingWire · 26/01/2019 14:03

nottheford, are you male by any chance? The problem isn’t the girl, the problem is that idiot that made innapropriate remarks. Just so you know.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 26/01/2019 14:06

Oh absolutely fuck off @NotTheFordType

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know when tone is lascivious, noting micro gestures, gaze etc.

Why on Earth is this down to OP and her DD to “manage” these remarks?

Your post really lets this shitty bloke off the hook.

OP, you need to call this in and tell this family member you know exactly what they were up to and basically go NC.

Oldraver · 26/01/2019 14:12

OP I think you handled it well and people like this need you coming down like a ton of bricks when these sleeazy remarks are made.

As an aside I am in my 50's and 'developed' quite early and I had constant remarks from leary men and yes some of them supposedly trusted old friends of my folks. It seemed par for the course in those days, though obviously unacceptable.

You've done well showing your DD she shouldn't have to tolerate this. Hopefully it will stop him, but if it doesn't I would say the nexy step is that he cannot be around your DD

RelapsedChocoholic · 26/01/2019 14:14

I would guess he thinks it’s ok as no one has challenged this behaviour before (no excuse, he has a brain and should be able to work out what’s not ok- but in my experience that’s usually the come back)

Well done for standing up for your daughter, and for teaching her she doesn’t have to accept these comments/ isn’t unreasonable to feel uncomfortable.

Parthenope · 26/01/2019 14:18

I think you did fine -- you made your daughter feel supported, acknowledged and acted on her legitimate outrage, told the family member that what he'd said was unacceptable, and let her know that she doesn't have to put up with anyone commenting on her body. For something you weren't prepared for, I'd say you covered all the bases.

InSightMars · 26/01/2019 14:19

So it’s up to pubescent girls to manage sleazy comments made by grown men not up to grown men to manage not to fucking make sleazy comments to young girls or any women in fact? Got it.

How do men in 2019 not know this shit never was, is certainly not now and never will be fucking acceptable?

You did the right thing OP. You leading by example will stand your DD in good stead in the future.

zzHummingBird · 26/01/2019 14:22

I think you showed her 1) that you were on her side (important) and also that the problem was not her ''sensitivity'' to the remark but that he was inappropriate. So you did what you could. It's so disappointing when members of your own family let themselves down and act like this.

BaronessBomburst · 26/01/2019 14:23

NotTheFordType makes a very valid point though. It's not in the OP's control to change the mindset of every man out there and despite their behaviour being wrong your daughter is going to encounter this more often. She needs to be able to counter the replies and cope with the prats she's going to meet.

Giesabreak · 26/01/2019 14:27

But OP clearly told us how she was helping her DD manage any future remarks!

CrabbityRabbit · 26/01/2019 14:31

What a pig! Your poor DD. You handled it well I think.

BaronessBomburst · 26/01/2019 14:31

Yes, I think the OP handled it appropriately. She supported her daughter and put the offensive idiot in his place.

Closetbeanmuncher · 26/01/2019 14:31

So he sees a school age relative and his first thought is to remark on her boobs?? Errrr... Confused

How revolting, I'm not surprised your pissed to be honest.

tillytrotter1 · 26/01/2019 14:40

I recall a relative asking me years ago 'Are you still developing?'. I'd be about 16, it was only after an embarrassed silence that she blushingly explained that she was referring to my photography hobby, in the days when one 'develoed' a film!

LizzieSiddal · 26/01/2019 14:44

I think you handled it very well op. I wouldn’t be seeing this relative again, anytime soon.

MyFootHurts · 26/01/2019 14:46

I think you did a good job under the circumstances, i.e. being caught completely unprepared. If it were my DD I would have a conversation with her explaining that he behaved inappropriately and that she should not ever have to put up with such behaviour. Then perhaps role play some answers she would feel confident to give, even if it's just that she just knows she can leave the room to remove herself from such vile behaviour in future. One of my dd's would need support in this way, the other one... not so much!

MistressDeeCee · 26/01/2019 14:47

Well done OP

Ethel36 · 26/01/2019 14:50

When I was a teenager I had an uncle that said, " wow you've grown whilst looking at my new boobs." It's sleazy and disgusting At least you've shown your daughter that those kind of comments are not acceptable.

pissedonatrain · 26/01/2019 14:56

you did great in shutting it down and helping your dd.

This needs to be brutally shut down any time some jackass does this.

"What the hell is wrong with you to say something like that to a teen??"

Really shame them
And yeah, how can anyone not know that this is not ok to say.

Bamchic · 26/01/2019 15:00

Poor DD. How is she feeling?

Darnsquirrels · 26/01/2019 15:03

Envy Poor dd. What the fuck are these vile people thinking?

MumsyJ · 26/01/2019 15:07

Totally applaud you OP, your poor DD I can only imagine the look oh her face, bless her!

Newerversion · 26/01/2019 15:09

I think you dealt with it really well. Telling him it was inappropriate in front of her was great- it showed her that she shouldn’t stand for it and that it totally isn’t a ‘normal’ or ‘acceptable’ comment from a man.

I hope he went away and considered it.

Darnsquirrels · 26/01/2019 15:12

Yes at first I thought 'oh op shouldn't have pulled him up in front of dd' but actually that's what should happen. Shows her it's not ok and hopefully shames him. Well done op!