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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am really uncomfortable about this. What do you think?

80 replies

SilverHype · 26/01/2019 13:50

A few days ago we saw a close family member who hasn’t seen dd for about six months, she’s 14. Pretty much the first comment he made to her was about how she’d developed and he couldn’t believe it, it was very clear what he meant. Dd was mortified and looked at me totally shocked and her face just flooded bright red. I was shocked and angry and told him immediately not to speak to her like that and that it was completely inappropriate for him to comment on her body and not to do it again. He brushed it off and changed the subject. Later I told her she never has to accept comments like that and if she doesn’t feel able to stand up for herself to tell me and I will help her to do it.

I’m just really bothered by it. He had been drinking and they’ve always got on well before but it was just so inappropriate and as a family member why would he think he should comment on this? I know there’s nothing else to really do or say but I just feel really bothered and angry about it. Dd has not mentioned it today but I am livid that this early age she’s got grown men already commenting on her body AND he’s supposedly a trusted family member.

I’ve name changed for this as I don’t want it related to my other posts. I’ve been on MN for years. What would you think about this? And did I handle it right?

OP posts:
Newerversion · 26/01/2019 15:17

I think telling him in front of dd was definitely right. If it had been brushed off and addressed privately later then did may well have accepted it as “a male thing”

Newerversion · 26/01/2019 15:17

Dd not did

Original poster
SilverHype · 26/01/2019 15:24

I saw the first response on this thread and thought “oh dear I just can’t deal with those kinds of responses just now” so took a little break but thankfully they’re not all like that.

Yes it felt important to share outrage with dd on the spot, not just take it quietly and then mention it quietly later because isn’t that we are constantly conditioned to do? Not make a fuss for the sake of social harmony, when the commenter is the one who broke the social rules in the first place.

She’s been very body conscious from the start so I was aware of that when he said it and her face just flooded with red. I actually couldn’t believe my ears and I couldn’t have held in my outrage if I had tried mainly because I knew from conversation with dd how self conscious she is.

OP posts:
Newerversion · 26/01/2019 15:27

Spot on!

Darnsquirrels · 26/01/2019 16:29

Yes this kind of stuff has been buried and hushed up for far too long. That's most of the problem and what allows it (and worse) to happen!

Stuckandsad · 26/01/2019 17:21

How are you going to manage this going forward? Tbh I would feel so uncomfortable taking her to an event where there's a possibility of her being alone with him. I always think with men like this,that them being so comfertable being so out of line in front of a parent, what the he'll would they try when I wasn't there?
I'll be teaching my dd that 'fuck off you perv." Is 100 percent acceptable to any creep that throw comments like this her way.

Stuckandsad · 26/01/2019 17:22

I think you did perfectly btw

MsTSwift · 26/01/2019 17:36

Perfect response op. Immediate fight back, sod the social mores, being “nice” and smoothing over social situations to appease pervs. As women we need to stop doing that.

Wordthe · 26/01/2019 21:42

You did well
I would have punched his fucking lights out

Wordthe · 26/01/2019 21:43

Not really of course I would never do that
I would have been extremely angry and I would have slapped him down verbally

IRanSoFarAway · 26/01/2019 21:52

Well done in pulling this creep up on his behaviour OP. If someone said this about my daughter- who is pre-teen and starting to develop, I would be furious too. Maybe he has done it before to others and not been challenged. I would let other family know, although in my past experience some people make excuses for others bad behaviour. Then I would avoid all contact if able.

Iloveautumnleaves · 26/01/2019 21:53

He wouldn’t be getting the opportunity to be alone with her if she was mine. Plus I’d be reminding her that she can tell them not to be weird & creepy and reminding her where the soft spot is and how ones knee applied there with some force is a perfectly legitimate move should she ever feel the need.

Wordthe · 26/01/2019 21:55

Does he not realise that that makes him look like a paedophile
is that what he wants?

gamerchick · 26/01/2019 22:00

So he said "Wow you've grown tits" or similar? Obviously thats horrible but what have you done to teach her how to manage such remarks in future?

This is the problem though isn't it? The start of our social conditioning to 'deal with it's instead of men just not doing it in the first place. Every woman born has put up with this shit since puberty. Why should young girls have to learn how to put up and deal with these remarks?

Good for you standing up for her OP.

Insomnibrat · 26/01/2019 22:02

It's disturbing that no matter how much we tell them it's inappropriate to say it....they're probably still thinking it.
Men just get grimmer and grimmer.

Greensleeves · 26/01/2019 22:04

I'm going to be short on detail because I've already had one charming person screenshot my posts and use them to fuck things up for me IRL

But a significant adult in my life, whom I hadn't seen for several years, visited when I was about 15 and gave me a hug. He then pointed to two dents in the front of his silk shirt, and said "ooh, that never used to happen!".

He WAS an abuser of young girls. The things that emerged about him later were horrendous.

I would be very, very wary of future interactions with this person.

Wordthe · 26/01/2019 22:07

If this is normal behaviour for him then it seems quite likely that he is a sexual predator

Wordthe · 26/01/2019 22:08

I would have told him to his face that he looks like a pedophile now

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 26/01/2019 22:14

Greensleeves I had a similar comment from a family friend who was later caught acting inappropriately with underage girls. I would be on my guard around him.

Wordthe · 26/01/2019 22:56

I recently read Anna Salter's book, she describes how predators select their victims, they look for children who's parents are less vigilant/protective, had you not confronted him he'd have taken that as a green light and known that he had a chance of getting away with inappropriate behavior
these types of people are always perfecting their grooming techniques

Yearofthemum · 27/01/2019 11:10

Well done you.

You would not believe the kinds of things my two young adult daughters have had to put up with- at the gym, in the street (constantly), in nightclubs, on transport and in the case of the younger one, at her previous workplace. The more examples they hear of how not to tolerate it, the better.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 27/01/2019 11:18

A male relative told me my DD was very attractive and asked if she had lost her virginity Shock, thankfully out of ear shot of DD .... she was 16. WTF is wrong with these men!

Wordthe · 27/01/2019 11:28

@Bigsandy that is absolutely appalling 😞
what did you say to him

Kennycalmit · 27/01/2019 11:29

Whilst I don’t agree with the way TheFord worded things I can see what she means (I think)

Well done for sticking up for her, I would’ve done the same. However I do think it’s just as important to teach her how to ‘deal’ with men like him herself.

Unfortunately for years to come there will be men like him around that think it’s okay to say similar comments to your daughter. I’m not saying she needs to accept it but I think you need to teach her how to respond to the vile men! I’m 28, years ago I would’ve nervously laughed and hoped he’d go away. Now I’d stick up for myself and publicly shut him down and humiliate him in the process! And I think that’s what TheFord meant - it’s all good and well sticking up for her and I would’ve done the exact same thing, but you aren’t always gunna be there to do that. Which is why you need to teach her to stand up to these men otherwise they’ll say whatever the hell they like.

I get she’s only 16 but that is exactly why you need to teach her to stand up to these men and how to deal with such horrid comments. She is at the age where men are going to start noticing her and the vile ones will make comments. It’s important she feels confident enough to shut them down.

Wordthe · 27/01/2019 11:32

The way to teach her how to stick up for herself is to show her as well as tell her
if you defend her immediately and strongly this sends a message that the man is definitely in the wrong and she should not tolerate this behaviour