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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I am really uncomfortable about this. What do you think?

80 replies

SilverHype · 26/01/2019 13:50

A few days ago we saw a close family member who hasn’t seen dd for about six months, she’s 14. Pretty much the first comment he made to her was about how she’d developed and he couldn’t believe it, it was very clear what he meant. Dd was mortified and looked at me totally shocked and her face just flooded bright red. I was shocked and angry and told him immediately not to speak to her like that and that it was completely inappropriate for him to comment on her body and not to do it again. He brushed it off and changed the subject. Later I told her she never has to accept comments like that and if she doesn’t feel able to stand up for herself to tell me and I will help her to do it.

I’m just really bothered by it. He had been drinking and they’ve always got on well before but it was just so inappropriate and as a family member why would he think he should comment on this? I know there’s nothing else to really do or say but I just feel really bothered and angry about it. Dd has not mentioned it today but I am livid that this early age she’s got grown men already commenting on her body AND he’s supposedly a trusted family member.

I’ve name changed for this as I don’t want it related to my other posts. I’ve been on MN for years. What would you think about this? And did I handle it right?

OP posts:

BigSandyBalls2015 · 27/01/2019 11:36

Wordthe - I barely said anything to him as I was gob smacked, very annoyed that I didn’t

zzHummingBird · 27/01/2019 11:38

That is awful, would find it very hard to put a mince pie in front of that relative at christmas from now on.

Wordthe · 27/01/2019 11:39

I can relate, that this is deliberate isn't it, they know that if they say something really out of order and outrageous you're not going to have a response ready because you just don't expect that kind of thing!
gobsmacked indeed
I'm sure you would have liked to smack him in the gob (not that that would be helpful thing to do in any way shape or form!)

Wordthe · 27/01/2019 11:40

The thing is though he slipped up didn't he because he has revealed to you that there's something not quite right there....

Wordthe · 27/01/2019 11:42

I really do think these things are said to test the reaction of the parents

zzHummingBird · 27/01/2019 11:42

Even a stock response of '' well that's so inappropriate'' said with indignation sends more of a don't mess with me message than silence and laughing nervously to diffuse the awkwardness which is what these men bank on.

zzHummingBird · 27/01/2019 11:43

I think you're right wordthe.

Wordthe · 27/01/2019 11:43

Perhaps a good response would be along the lines of the mums net classic 'did you mean to be so rude'
'did you mean to sound like a paedophile'

zzHummingBird · 27/01/2019 11:44

Yes, call it. YOU SOUND LIKE A PAEDOPHILE, do I need to have my EYES on you???

Wordthe · 27/01/2019 11:57

or if that feels like too much of a confrontational thing to say then something like 'that was a very weird and creepy thing to say' might be enough

GeorgeTheHippo · 27/01/2019 12:01

You did the right thing to call it out at the time. As you say, women are conditioned to be polite in the face of this shit. And we need to stop.

GeorgeTheHippo · 27/01/2019 12:04

We have a similar family member (grandad). His classics have included:

Do you still believe in Father Christmas?

And, has your voice broken yet?

He's reaping what he has sown. DC2 refused to go and see him the other week because it was right before he expected to hear about his Oxbridge application, following interviews. And he knew Grandad was likely to be an arse about it.

meow1989 · 27/01/2019 12:16

I think you absolutely handled it right op and your daughter has learnt that her mother (I assume you're her mother, same goes for if you were her father) will stand up for her. She's also learnt that it's ok to "make a scene" when we're faced with inappropriate, uncomfortable and disrespectful situations. It unfortunately wont be the last time she experiences comments about her looks or figure but she'll remember this.

It is not a womans place to have to deal with comments from men, it's men's place not to be awful.

planespotting · 27/01/2019 12:40

Disgusted on your behalf
Well done you on calling it. I actually one had to call my own father as a teen.
My mum said nothing.
We were watching TV and there were some dancers on body suits or something and he made a comment and I turned around and said something like "that is disgusting, women are not there for you to comment like that, they are young enough to be [older sibling age] and you have 3 daughters, if this is a middle age crisis buy a car" I then headed out and said "I am disgusted at you dad"
My dad was so so so strict and he would have never let me speak to him like that. Guess what, he didn't make a sound

Good on you OP!

And it never happened again.

Wordthe · 27/01/2019 12:45

@Planespotting I am in awe of you!
Your father obviously could not comprehend that his daughter could be so switched on and assertive!
We just need to keep on calmly but firmly calling them out

Wordthe · 27/01/2019 12:47

Even if you can't find the words stand up straight and look them in the eye
everytime you stand up to bullies it makes it a bit easier to do it next time

O4FS · 27/01/2019 12:47

You taught your daughter an extremely important lesson, and modelled excellent behaviour.

Very well handled OP.

MsTSwift · 27/01/2019 12:48

planespotting · 27/01/2019 12:49

@Wordthe I was the youngest and he tried to raise me to be honest and upfront and speak my mind if bullies or others did unjustice. Backfired

Wordthe · 27/01/2019 12:52

Well you say it backfired but then again he raised you to be a better person than he was
as if some part of him recognised that he was a bully and that he needed to raise you to stand up to people like him?

lovely36 · 27/01/2019 12:58

I would be livid too. Just reminder on how perverted men are. Especially creepier that he was drunk. I would tell my daughter to not go anywhere near him since you know what types of thoughts he's having. Fucking weirdo. If I were you I'd tell my daughter to never let anyone speak to her like that. What you did was right OP.

Bluntness100 · 27/01/2019 13:00

I got this when I was her age, in fact I had some of my fathers friends actually try it on when he wasn't there. One actually followed me into the kitchen, ran his hand up the inside of my thigh and said I'd been teasing him since I was in knee high socks. I just froze in shock. I was twelve or thirteen at the time and no I didn't tell.

I suspect my daughter has had the same, not from our friends, but from older men, as I used to notice if we were walking down the street men would eye both of us or just her, and I'd think ffs she's only 14 you fucking perv. I could literally see them do it.

It really does make you worry when you can't walk down the street without random men in their forties and above blatantly ogling your early teens daughter, and of course you did right in calling him out in front of her,

planespotting · 27/01/2019 13:00

@Wordthe he did change a lot and became a wonderful man in the following years

supersop60 · 27/01/2019 13:02

Op - I can understand your feelings.
Teach your DD how to say "Fuck off, you shitty old perv."
Or words that will convey the same meaning.

Wordthe · 27/01/2019 13:08

@Bluntnes, that is horrific no wonder you froze in shock

I suppose he got a little extra thrill from molesting the daughter of one of his friends, getting one over on his friend while he gets his kicks

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