And now, something completly different :(

[Hugless]

Not sure where to begin, so let's move back in time a bit- say to 2004.

We met, it's been great, all blows and whistles, she moved in next year, all great, both busy working, I popped a question in 2007 (who knows why, just felt like something that was supposed to happen- she wasn't in any way pushing for anything). Got married in 2008, begun renting a house from a bank :), first child in 2009, second in 2011.
In the meanwhile I happened to be unlucky enough to be made redundant- it's been hell- trying to get Mrs Organic Waitrose/ Ocado/ John Lewis to get reality check and just reduce spending- as far as she was concerned it just wasn't possible. Explaining that we can not spend more than we bring in was just too upsetting for her(she was looking after kids). I tried to give in here and there but it was always too much to bear for her. After second child sex practically ceased to exist (It has been super extra phenomenal before and all of the sudden practically everything except penetration (rarely) was a big NO NO). Obviously, it was all my fault. Fair enough, to some extent I can now see mistakes I made but being down to earth person I just cant justify living above means.

Pour yourself one, there is more to come :)

I was more and more annoyed with everything, we started arguing, no fights or anything, just, let's say heated exchanges. 2013- reality check- £50k in debt, property in negative equity, marriage, eh what marriage...

2014- she moved on. I mean moved out. Not too far but still. So we are separated but how the hell are we supposed to be separated and also look after kids? Didn't have to get courts involved, all sorted out amicably. It's been a very strange experience- to me it feels as though we have separate bedrooms and marriage lacking intimacy...

Next 4 years have been patchy and weird- although we lived separate lives we still took kids on holiday together (separate bedrooms and so on) and we pretty much communicated one way or the other every day)

My friends are like "let's go to Amsterdam, they'll sort you out there" and I know they mean well but this just isn't my style...

OK, I see you are nodding off, so straight to the point, well almost...

My, well kind of wife (not sure if there is a term for this contraption but as far as law is concerned we are still married but not cohabiting) has a habit of requesting husband services (that do not require taking cloths off) on regular basis. Ikea furniture turned up, put it together will you, it's for kids (some of it,sure, most of it not). Sink blocked, help. PC has a virus, Alexa playing up, Internet not working, bulb in the bog blown, rubbish needs taking out, pick me up, drop me off, pick something up from somewhere, kids flushed a roll of TP down the toilet, sort it out, my oversized, overweight mattress needs turning and so on...

And now, if you are still conscious- WE are going places- "kids need holiday and since you have a car we need to go" places. So far I never said no but I've recently came across my ex's post's on another forum slagging me off for not contributing to this events- WTF. OK, I'm kids father but if she's organizing something that is in remote location she should take care of all aspects, shouldn't she, or am I politically incorrect? (was told off for suggesting a train before)I never refused but as far as I was concerned I was just a driver on £0 pay...

Still here? OK, nearly there.

We have run out of things to argue about some moths ago, our current situation almost perfectly fits "white marriage" definition. And I don't know what to do. When we are together, alone, she often refers to me as "husband" (generally whenever she needs something done that exceeds her abilities) but everywhere else I'm just an EX- a mistake she made...

She is a gorgeous woman, I find her attractive, she's mad as a broom stick sometimes and this isn't really helping. If this was a "friends with benefits" arrangement I could probably live with it and be happy- but it isn't...

OK, now finally a question- WTF am I supposed to do?? I'm living alone since 2014 and in a way find it OK- kids stay with me pretty much whenever they want, mostly weekends- she has never restricted access to kids and childcare is split more or less 50/50 but I just need a hug every now and then (read "daily")

Not going to beg for it- it was her choice to move out, I'd probably do the same if I were in her shoes. But ain't dead yet- and I love hugs...

OK, you look rough- thanks for reading. Have a little break...

You are letting her string you along in the hopes that she might allow you to have sex with her at some point
Do you not have any other options for sex?

What's "completely different"?

You've been separated for 4 or 5 years.

Get divorced.

I guess some men are so nervous about speaking to women that they have to adopt a persona.

In any case, OP, you probably have your answer. Get a more sensible setup arranged, and don't stay single if you don't want to be single.

@explodingkitten lol! My thoughts exactly!

Ravenmum, you made me giggle, thanks for that.

Are you dating? If not, why not? Get online and start finding someone who can give you the hug you need

The first thing you need to decide is whether you're still in a relationship with this woman or not. Everything else will stem from that..

@Hugless There must be some explanation for it, as you are by no means the only man whose first post was written like a stand-up comedy routine. It's a definite trend.

You don't seem to have any special respect or liking for your wife; you describe her as mad, incapable of understanding why she shouldn't overspend, slagging you off on forums and blaming you for issues. The only reason you've given for wanting to be with her is that she's beautiful. You've given no indication at all that she wants to be with you; presumably not, as she moved out, and you say you can understand why. (Admittedly I'm also imagining you being like this stand-up comedian persona in real life, and thus pretty hard to live with.)

Or do you really like her, and have some reason to think she would want to return, and that this time you would turn into a loving, happy couple?

I split up with my ex 4 years ago. He has the kids 50/50.

Guess what he pays me? ZERO.
Guess what he does for and with me? ZERO
Guess how long we've been divorced? 3 years.
Guess how many people I've slept with since splitting with him? 10
What have I done (on my own) in 4 years? A master's, 4 house moves, bought a house 6 jobs, been to Norway, Barcelona, Majorca, Amsterdam and Berlin. And met loads of new friends.

Why? Because I'm responsible for my happiness. My finances. My DC's. My choices. My life.

You are stuck in this situation because you are choosing to. I could have sat back and felt sorry for myself with my broken jaw and the chunk bitten out if my shoulder and focussed on him like some Stockholm syndrome survivor but I didn't. I'm in the last bit of my thirties and I'm going for life. This is what you need to do. Choose life. Only you can do that. Divorce her. Make yourself and your life better.

Your OP is so flowery (consistent with a lot of male postings on here, trying to be humourous) that its hard to tell who is what, where you are all living etc.

Try again, without trying to impress with the Mills and Boon type writing

Ha, crossposts with Ravenmum so I'm not the only one that has noticed this trend...Its so bloody odd isnt it ?

She is your x so she doesn't OWE you any kind of relationship.

It's good that you get on for the kids is what she'll be thinking no doubt. Back away from assembling furniture. I am single and do all this for myself.

This is so wierd. All of this could be sorted by a DIVORCE.

This is a classic "can't see the wood for the trees" thing.

Quite why you haven't been dating is beyond me, tbh. You don't need to go to Amsterdam to get "a hug", you probably only need to go as far as the local pub!

But you're obviously still holding onto your marriage. God knows why, it's been shit for years and years.

I agree with others, go and see a solicitor about getting a divorce. It’s a big step. but you both can’t move on without it.

Get the ball tolling by Emailing some local solicitors today.

God people are mean today.

Op the two of you took the first steps towards breaking up and then got complacent.

Ask her the question you're afraid to ask; does she want to give things another go? She will most likely say no but I think you need to hear it.

It will be painful but so much better than this limbo.

Then you need to spell it out to her that things need to change. You are not her partner anymore. She is single. She can take the kids out on her own during her days. She must figure things out in the house herself. Tell her once with words and explain that the two of you need to move on separately. It is unfair on both of you. Then simply (it is simple but not easy i know) ignore anything that is outside your boundaries. It is the only way.

Start dating. You're single.

Oh dear, I'm really not trying to impress anyone with the "writing style", just find it easier to write about my "issue" in this manner.

Didn't start this to get compassion from anyone- I guess I wrote it for myself- thought it would look better in 4K but no, still crap :(
(yes, yes, I know, I'm terribly sorry... LOL)

I'm currently regretting not seeking help when she moved out- or perhaps not acting on advice given by ppl I knew care.

All those years ago I flipped a dating switch off and currently struggling to turn it back on. But believe you me- I'd really like to.
In my situation, could that be considered against me in court?

Thanks for encouragement.

Maybe it would help if you heard it from her that it's over. Ask if she's ready to start the divorce process. The formal end of the marriage is a powerful symbol. Then, next time she asks for help, say that you both need to start living separate lives.

Best way to get back into dating is to start dating tbh. But if you start looking and then realise that you're still too caught up with your ex, perhaps try a chat with a counsellor.

After 4 years separation, no, of course not.

Particularly if your children had not yet met anyone you dated, so your ex couldn't accuse you of exposing them to anything.

What you do in your own private time is your private business.

Divorcing for adultery is awkward and difficult and generally solicitors advise not doing so. It takes longer and judges find it tedious and blame-y.

My advice is to start dating but keep it off social media, just so you're not pissing your ex off.

It is high time you divorced and a visit to the solicitor is certainly due. There is no reason whatsoever visitation shouldn't be exactly the same post a divorce.

The thing is, she doesn't appreciate all that you do or who you are. Certainly she must get on well enough with you if you have all this time as a family, but that doesnt mean she respects you. Time to get your ducks in a row.

I also agree that the first step is an informal chat, indicating you are thinking of drawing a line under things officially.

But don't get drawn into specifics and if she reacts aggressively or defensively, get out of there. Perhaps then just mention it at handover so she can't draw it out. And for the love of God don't promise "nothing will change". There may be things you definitely want to change, but keep your powder dry on that one.

Oh great. Just what we need on online dating - another separated married man trying to convince us he really is over his wife despite all that he does for her because he can't say No because she's the mother of his children and, no, we haven't filed for divorce yet because we have this friendly arrangement that works for us so it doesn't seem necessary, but really it's over I promise but I will have to cancel our plans on Saturday because my wife wants me to help her with this heavy object in our son's room ... blah blah blah.

Please get a divorce first. Make a clean break.

I think she sounds lazy and selfish and that she is using you, but that is of course based only on your side of the story. Either way you sound like a decent guy and a good dad and you need to get a divorce and move on as pp said. Get things settled properly and get back out there, I am sure you will meet someone who will appreciate you and give you all the 'hugs' you could ever want.

Elspeth, you wouldn't believe if i told you how many of this chats I've had with her. Always ends up with her saying that I'm trying to abandon children- which isn't true. I made several requests in the past that she only contacts me with kids stuff, all off the sudden everything is kids related and if i refuse to help I'm a bad father and so on. So just to stop her moaning I'd do this and that. As I mentioned earlier, last year wasn't too bad I thought oh well, maybe we will work this out but last couple of days made me realize that this is unlikely...What I find bizarre is that she isn't dating or looking for anything (I know, says me)- she always liked sex, and lots of it, but never mind, not my business anymore.

Hugless, you sound very sad and I am sorry for your current situation. Others have given you some good practical advice. I would only like to add that now is the time to start working on yourself.

You are going to need to be strong and start emotionally detaching from her which you can do while still being a loving father to your kids. You are going to have to stop caring so much about her point of view on things. You can co-parent your kids but making her own personal life easier is her problem not yours. I guess what I am saying is reiterating what others are saying - you need to start the process of formal divorce, with or without her blessing. The marriage is dead, time to bury the body. And maybe you can get to a point where you can start getting excited about what the future might hold. You get one life as they say. Good luck.

I feel sad for you as you seem to be trying very hard for your children whilst your 'wife' definitely seems to be using this to her advantage.

Personally I agree that you should try dating you deserve better than you have right now.

I think initiating divorce proceedings ASAP would also be a good idea too as whilst you are both in limbo you can't move on with your lives, which needs to happen. Yes it may rock the boat and cause arguments and her to lash out but that's inevitable and be much easier in the long run especially if you find someone you want to have a relationship with.

She will get over it eventually I'm sure and it will all be ok in the end although you probably won't have the same sort of relationship as you have now.

Unless obviously you want to try and make things work with your wife and if that's the case you need to sit down and talk to her.

@old woman. This is precisely why I'm not on a dating website. Not a big fan of them anyway but you are absolutely correct, bothering other ppl until everything is clear isn't a good idea...