And now, something completly different :(

[Hugless]

Not sure where to begin, so let's move back in time a bit- say to 2004.

We met, it's been great, all blows and whistles, she moved in next year, all great, both busy working, I popped a question in 2007 (who knows why, just felt like something that was supposed to happen- she wasn't in any way pushing for anything). Got married in 2008, begun renting a house from a bank :), first child in 2009, second in 2011.
In the meanwhile I happened to be unlucky enough to be made redundant- it's been hell- trying to get Mrs Organic Waitrose/ Ocado/ John Lewis to get reality check and just reduce spending- as far as she was concerned it just wasn't possible. Explaining that we can not spend more than we bring in was just too upsetting for her(she was looking after kids). I tried to give in here and there but it was always too much to bear for her. After second child sex practically ceased to exist (It has been super extra phenomenal before and all of the sudden practically everything except penetration (rarely) was a big NO NO). Obviously, it was all my fault. Fair enough, to some extent I can now see mistakes I made but being down to earth person I just cant justify living above means.

Pour yourself one, there is more to come :)

I was more and more annoyed with everything, we started arguing, no fights or anything, just, let's say heated exchanges. 2013- reality check- £50k in debt, property in negative equity, marriage, eh what marriage...

2014- she moved on. I mean moved out. Not too far but still. So we are separated but how the hell are we supposed to be separated and also look after kids? Didn't have to get courts involved, all sorted out amicably. It's been a very strange experience- to me it feels as though we have separate bedrooms and marriage lacking intimacy...

Next 4 years have been patchy and weird- although we lived separate lives we still took kids on holiday together (separate bedrooms and so on) and we pretty much communicated one way or the other every day)

My friends are like "let's go to Amsterdam, they'll sort you out there" and I know they mean well but this just isn't my style...

OK, I see you are nodding off, so straight to the point, well almost...

My, well kind of wife (not sure if there is a term for this contraption but as far as law is concerned we are still married but not cohabiting) has a habit of requesting husband services (that do not require taking cloths off) on regular basis. Ikea furniture turned up, put it together will you, it's for kids (some of it,sure, most of it not). Sink blocked, help. PC has a virus, Alexa playing up, Internet not working, bulb in the bog blown, rubbish needs taking out, pick me up, drop me off, pick something up from somewhere, kids flushed a roll of TP down the toilet, sort it out, my oversized, overweight mattress needs turning and so on...

And now, if you are still conscious- WE are going places- "kids need holiday and since you have a car we need to go" places. So far I never said no but I've recently came across my ex's post's on another forum slagging me off for not contributing to this events- WTF. OK, I'm kids father but if she's organizing something that is in remote location she should take care of all aspects, shouldn't she, or am I politically incorrect? (was told off for suggesting a train before)I never refused but as far as I was concerned I was just a driver on £0 pay...

Still here? OK, nearly there.

We have run out of things to argue about some moths ago, our current situation almost perfectly fits "white marriage" definition. And I don't know what to do. When we are together, alone, she often refers to me as "husband" (generally whenever she needs something done that exceeds her abilities) but everywhere else I'm just an EX- a mistake she made...

She is a gorgeous woman, I find her attractive, she's mad as a broom stick sometimes and this isn't really helping. If this was a "friends with benefits" arrangement I could probably live with it and be happy- but it isn't...

OK, now finally a question- WTF am I supposed to do?? I'm living alone since 2014 and in a way find it OK- kids stay with me pretty much whenever they want, mostly weekends- she has never restricted access to kids and childcare is split more or less 50/50 but I just need a hug every now and then (read "daily")

Not going to beg for it- it was her choice to move out, I'd probably do the same if I were in her shoes. But ain't dead yet- and I love hugs...

OK, you look rough- thanks for reading. Have a little break...

My OH has a friend in a similar situation.. wife wants the fancy house & car, not having to work & the freedom to do exactly what she wants but with no family/couple time, no affection or intimacy... she barely even speaks to him.. like I've said to him that's her lifestyle choice & it's unfair to force it on him.. he deserves to be loved & desired & if she can't do that it's time to end it & live life while you can!!

I think you are probably trying to funny and sound like a “nice guy” but unfortunately your post comes across as arsey and self pitying. If you said this stuff to me in real life I’d wipe the floor with you.

You aren’t taking any personal responsibility for any of this. But you were part of the marriage and part of the split and part of the current relationship.

No one has “done this to you” you aren’t helpless.

Your main issues seem to be:

You are lonely
You feel you are being taken advantage of by your wife
Your finances are negatively impacted by continuing to be financially tied to her.

But not one of these things is beyond your control to fix. Not one of them. You can fix them all by just taken some action.

Go and see a solicitor. Start divorce paperwork, agree a formal separation, agree a financial settlement and formal arrangements for the kids.
Sell the house and get your own place.

Start asserting some reasonable boundaries.

Say no to DIY and household repair. She’s an adult, her house is her responsibility.

Tell her she needs to consult you before make arrangements which require you to drive.

Once all the above is in process you can think about starting to date. A word of caution though, given the tone of your first post any woman is going to run a mile from that attitude so take some time to think about your life so far and your responsibility for it.

Step up, take responsibility, take action, move on.

Exactly what furze said
You are not a victim of circumstance. You need to take some action!

How about you divorce your non wife, stop doing anything not strictly related to kids (mattress turning is most definitely not), and get into a real relationship with a woman .. that way your friends Wong be suggesting Amsterdam for you to get some 'hugs'.

Have a read on here and see how many single, divorced etc women wiukc absolutely love to meet a non cheating, non addict, half way decent man for a relationship.

Your non-wife is taking the absolute piss, the situation is dysfunctional, it needs to end (and she'd not going to end it).

won't

(also she may experience a renewed interest in you when you make moves to get out of this and she realises yours for real; but I for one wouldn't believe she won't go back to exactly the way she's been for years if you 'try again').

OK, so what exactly happened when you told her what your boundaries were?

DIVORCE DIVORCE DIVORCE. Time to see a solicitor.

She is a gorgeous woman, I find her attractive

Anyone with a tap of insight knew that; you wouldn't have put up with this shite if she wasn't.

But the bottom line is (to be very blunt) that she doesn't want, hasn't for some time, and it's extremely unlikely to change (even if she, as I said above, has more interest in you for a little while when she realises you're for real about ending this arrangement that's to her advantage) ... I feel confident you'll be able to meet another woman you're attracted to when you free yourself from this dysfunctional bind. You sound v passive/go with the flow; time to be more assertive.

(doesn't want to have sex with you)

Broadly speaking she is taking the piss, taking advantage of the complexities and ambiguities of the situation because she can?
Is that what's going on?

Also I don't personally think you come across badly here, I think you seem decent and genuine

lol OP writes like my older brother, do you also send endless "funny" gifs to people on fb and watsapp?

Anyway, yes divorce, set boundaries, look for someone else who will treat you as an equal and not a foot servant.

I think you seem decent and genuine

You read the OP and your judgement is that he’s a decent man?

Goodness, we have different standards of decent Word.

“Oddly jocular” is such a great way to describe it! They ALL do it. Ever since a particular MN fiasco from a few years ago that we aren’t allowed to discuss I have noticed this writing style from a lot of men on MN.

I think we should be charitable and assume he just wants to be friends, unless and until he demonstrates otherwise

Please give me a break with this "writing style". English isn't my first language, wrote it as I felt it. And no, I don't spam ppl on social media because I'm not on social media- find it too antisocial...

Ok, looked at this post on a 5inch screen- probably got carried away a bit- on a large screen I didn't have to scroll to get to the bottom of the page...

I assume it’s meant to be winning Bhagwan.

It’s a shame because the OP would have been much more persuasive if written in a straightforward manner.

The OP has certainly got himself into a frustrating and unsustainable situation but he’s writing to garner sympathy rather than for advice.

His problems just aren’t that difficult to solve.

I suspected he wanted a bunch of famously harsh women to say “there, there you poor soul, wasn’t she dreadful to you” so that he can feel better about his passivity and continue to blame his wife for all his troubles.

We were meant to be impressed he isn’t visiting brothels for God sake.

English isn't your first language?
no I'm not buying that

English isn't my first language, wrote it as I felt it

There’s nothing at all wrong with your English OP, it’s very good.

It’s the content that I have an issue with.

Do you have a response? Are you going to take responsibility for sorting yourself out? For making an appointment with your solicitor?

Obviously English isn't his first language. "Cloths", "blows and whistles". Unless he wrote the first post pretending to be a foreigner.

Agree about the jokey style, though. The smileys and funny comments were presumably deliberate. Are you actually in need of help, OP, or do you really find it all so hilarious?

You have allowed the limbo to continue for way too long. I expect your ex has long gone used to this arrangement which likely suits her very well.

Time to put your foot down. See a solicitor. Make a move . Forward.

I need to do the same. Also split with ex 2014 and still married but I don't expect him to anything for me - hardly have a great deal of contact really.

What's your point exactly? What's your question?
You've rambled on for about 50 jumbled paragraphs and I still don't know what you're on about.

I liked the "not the 9 o clock news" reference

Think people are being a bit harsh.

But seriously you need to put an end to the limbo and stop being such a pushover.

Are you hankering after a reconciliation?
Or do you want to move on?

If the first - talk to her. Find out if it's even an option.

If not - take action and move forward.

Would she have gotten away with it if she was fat, wrinkly and ugly? Stop thinking with your dick, she's over you. Divorce and get your life in order.