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Original poster

AIBU about DH's 'boys' holiday'?

81 replies

Randomname12345 · 25/01/2019 10:15

Have NC for this and will need to be a bit vague as it could be outing.

Context: we have two older children, one now living away from home and one in L6 (DC2).
DC2 has anxiety/ mental issues and a SPLD which means that they tend to be tired/angry and need a lot of home support during term time. DH & I tend to 'tag team' it as there are often angry outbursts which are emotionally draining and often reduce me to tears. Probably about 1-2 a week on average.

DH has a hobby which he does with some friends. I am mostly supportive, although it does seem to be taking up more and more time at weekends, especially since DC1 left home.

Over Christmas we were mapping out the year ahead - holidays, commitments etc and DH mentioned that he'd like to block out some time in autumn for a week away with his mates doing this hobby. He then blocked an 11 day period in the calendar with 'exact dates to be confirmed'.

I found out yesterday from the wife of one of his friends (also my friend) that they have booked the WHOLE 11 DAYS for this trip - not just a week! When I came home and asked DH about it he just feigned surprise and said "I told you about it and it's on the calendar" and claimed he'd never said it was just going to be a week, as it involves travel etc to the destination.

I am really annoyed as I feel he has done this by stealth. I think 11 days away on a personal jolly is too long when you still have family responsibilities at home. He is the ONLY one in the group who still have a school-aged child at home - the rest are all 'empty nesters.'

We're going to talk about it tonight, but I feel he's cornered me. He says he can only go for the full time or not at all, due to the travel arrangements.

AIBU to be annoyed?

OP posts:
springchicken123 · 25/01/2019 10:17

YANBU - I would feel the same!

Sexnotgender · 25/01/2019 10:17

YANBU to be annoyed. That’s a long time to just naff off with no discussion.

When is your 11 day jolly planned for?

Northernparent68 · 25/01/2019 10:18

I think you both need a break, he goes on his holiday and you go away or go out by your self in the evenings or weekends

Gottalovesummer · 25/01/2019 10:20

Think about how you'd feel about 11 days away with your friends. It would be a complete break from what sounds like an often stressful family life.

I'm sure your husband would cope alone. And I'm sure you can too. Give him the go ahead with good grace and book yourself something nice too.

Be kind to each other.

Notcoolmum · 25/01/2019 10:20

11 days is a long time. And it should have been discussed and agreed. That bit would annoy me more.

I’d want to make sure that I had a reciprocal agreement and book in a few things with my friends.

But the not discussing it part would really wind me up!!

Disfordarkchocolate · 25/01/2019 10:20

I'd be very annoyed and that's without the additional needs your child has. What's he said about how you manage the extra stress without his support for so long. It's a lot of leave used that's now not available for family activities etc too.

RiverTam · 25/01/2019 10:20

what is it with men and their hobbies? Is it a hobby, or a sport?

Funny how women don't feel the need to be forever buggering off with their 'hobbies'.

Doidontimmm · 25/01/2019 10:20

What does L6 & SPLD mean?

wowfudge · 25/01/2019 10:21

No you're not. Tell how this has made you feel and that he hasn't been completely honest and that it's selfish of him. Then book a holiday for you. I wouldn't try to get him to change his plans, just give yourself a similar break. Arguing is not the way to go - his position will just become more entrenched. Is there someone who can help you out during the time he's away?

Is he going on a diving holiday? Divers and climbers spend hours on their chosen hobbies and tend to be selfish bastards about it ime.

Alienspaceship · 25/01/2019 10:21

You need to book your 11 day trip away before the autumn.

Original poster
Randomname12345 · 25/01/2019 10:22

That's the thing - I wouldn't dream of disappearing for an 11 day jolly!

It will also be right in the middle of the UCAS process for DC2 which I know means they will be stressing about uni visits, personal statements, mocks etc.

OP posts:
ItMustBeBedtimeSurely · 25/01/2019 10:24

Given that your children are nearly grown up I think it's ok, providing you have opportunities to have a break as well.

CatholicDadof2 · 25/01/2019 10:24

11 days away for a hobby is taking the proverbial.

SkinnyPete · 25/01/2019 10:25

It's not unreasonable to ask, but the way he's done it is pretty out of order.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 25/01/2019 10:26

i was fully prepared to come on her and say how unreasonable you are and people are entitled to a trip...but 11 days>>>>?????!!!! hell no, still, glad he answered the question, not at all it is!

Sexnotgender · 25/01/2019 10:27

Well do dream! If you’ve got the cash just do it.

Speak to him tonight and tell him you know he needs a break and whilst you wish he’d actually discussed it you understand.

Oh and by the way, I’ve also booked myself a holiday. Going to somewhere fabulous to soak up some sun, culture and margaritas by the pool.

Original poster
Randomname12345 · 25/01/2019 10:27

L6 = lower Sixth Form
U6 = Upper Sixth
SPLD = Specific Learning Disability e.g. dyslexia, dyspraxia, processing issues which often means they find a full on day at school emotionally draining and have meltdowns when they get home.

OP posts:
Doidontimmm · 25/01/2019 10:30

Ah ok! In Scotland so we use different terms for school.

I agree with others, he should have discussed with you first!

FlagFish · 25/01/2019 10:32

I think that if you were happy in principle for him to go away for a week, then 11 days isn’t a massive issue - obviously it’s longer, but not so much longer as to make the difference between “OK that’s fine” and “No you can’t go”. It sounds like it probably wasn’t him who chose the dates.

I would let him go, but I do agree with other posters that you should get a proper break at some point too.

Original poster
Randomname12345 · 25/01/2019 10:34

Yes - the other issue is that his 'holiday' kind of automatically means that we won't be doing anything as a family in October Half Term now!

OP posts:
HeckyPeck · 25/01/2019 10:35

I’m going to guess the hobby is cycling. It seems to be one that people get consumed by and don’t realise (or care) how selfish they’re becoming.

Basically he lied about how long it was going to be because he knew 11 days is taking the piss.

Now he can play the “it’s booked now” card.

Sneaky and manipulative.

And it’s during a time where your child is going to be stressed so it’ll be harder than usual to look after them.

He’s been really selfish and I’d be very pissed off.

What do you want to happen?

Original poster
Randomname12345 · 25/01/2019 10:35

One of the problems with me going off for a break is that all of my good friends still have school-age children, so none of them are able to just take off for more than a night or two!

OP posts:
HeckyPeck · 25/01/2019 10:36

Cross post there.

Bloody hell? He’s prioritised his own hobby break over the family holiday? When you and your DC will have been really stressed.

He’s a massive dick

Sexnotgender · 25/01/2019 10:36

Why can’t you do anything in half term? Has he booked it in the holidays?

PsychedelicSheep · 25/01/2019 10:37

You're basically quibbling about 4 days!

Just because you wouldn't fancy an 11 day holiday doesn't mean he shouldn't.