AIBU about DH's 'boys' holiday'?

[Randomname12345]

Have NC for this and will need to be a bit vague as it could be outing.

Context: we have two older children, one now living away from home and one in L6 (DC2).
DC2 has anxiety/ mental issues and a SPLD which means that they tend to be tired/angry and need a lot of home support during term time. DH & I tend to 'tag team' it as there are often angry outbursts which are emotionally draining and often reduce me to tears. Probably about 1-2 a week on average.

DH has a hobby which he does with some friends. I am mostly supportive, although it does seem to be taking up more and more time at weekends, especially since DC1 left home.

Over Christmas we were mapping out the year ahead - holidays, commitments etc and DH mentioned that he'd like to block out some time in autumn for a week away with his mates doing this hobby. He then blocked an 11 day period in the calendar with 'exact dates to be confirmed'.

I found out yesterday from the wife of one of his friends (also my friend) that they have booked the WHOLE 11 DAYS for this trip - not just a week! When I came home and asked DH about it he just feigned surprise and said "I told you about it and it's on the calendar" and claimed he'd never said it was just going to be a week, as it involves travel etc to the destination.

I am really annoyed as I feel he has done this by stealth. I think 11 days away on a personal jolly is too long when you still have family responsibilities at home. He is the ONLY one in the group who still have a school-aged child at home - the rest are all 'empty nesters.'

We're going to talk about it tonight, but I feel he's cornered me. He says he can only go for the full time or not at all, due to the travel arrangements.

AIBU to be annoyed?

I’d have a problem with the way he’s gone about things, not with the actual trip. He’s been very underhand.

I'm going to be honest here but what happens if DS2 never leaves home? Does that mean that for the remainder of your life you will spend your weeks tag teaming and walking on egg shells to keep him happy? Will you or your husband never get the chance to holiday or have time out of the home for fear of sending DS2 over the edge?

Your husband was wrong to say it would be for a week at some point over the 11 days and to then change it to be all 11 days. Nevertheless even if he had booked a weekend away sounds like you would be critical because you wont have any support. It is fine to feel frustrated but you are both entitled to time away from the situation and your DS2 needs to start learning coping strategies for when you are not there.

Your son is nearly an adult so complaining that your husband still has children at home seems trivial. In short you need to find a solution that allows both of you to be people rather than just carers, it is not s healthy or sustainable approach for your son or your marriage.

Reading your latest posts OP my main concern would be for your DC2 and not the lads jolly. Is the possibility of studying away from the home causing part of the distress that they, and you are experiencing?

If there's any history of self harm I would be completely rethinking this whole idea. There's no way I could contemplate having a child of mine away from the home without support that was on hand 24/7. By that I don't mean house arrest, just someone being there to monitor their wellbeing. Uni will not provide this and will place undue stress on your DC. First year students find it hard enough adjusting when there are no issues to their wellbeing.

I think the gaslighting /pretending or feigning surprise that you didn't know about it being for 11 days is what grates the most!

Yes it's only 4 days extra but that does make it different. I truly think you need to book a holiday for yourself away from the family for the same length of time even if you go somewhere nice alone.

We have a child with complex learning needs (will never live independently) and ASD and I went to America for a week last year. I also had two long weekend breaks.

Regardless of your husband's trip book some time out for yourself. FIND A WAY. Honestly it does do you the power of good. You can try little and often or a longer break - but DO IT.

As for your husband - yes you are rightly pissed off with how he went about this. I can't imagine lying to my husband about how long I'd be away for. He's been a massive knob.
But the break itself I'd go along with him going - just not the gaslighting and pathetic lies.

Ditto what others have said re having your own break. Maybe a yoga holiday or something where you can meet other people and it doesn't matter if you are on your own?

Also, reading what you said about your dh's reaction to dc2, I wonder if without him there for 11 days, is there a possibility that things might be calmer in the house without dh's presence?