AIBU about DH's 'boys' holiday'?

[Randomname12345]

Have NC for this and will need to be a bit vague as it could be outing.

Context: we have two older children, one now living away from home and one in L6 (DC2).
DC2 has anxiety/ mental issues and a SPLD which means that they tend to be tired/angry and need a lot of home support during term time. DH & I tend to 'tag team' it as there are often angry outbursts which are emotionally draining and often reduce me to tears. Probably about 1-2 a week on average.

DH has a hobby which he does with some friends. I am mostly supportive, although it does seem to be taking up more and more time at weekends, especially since DC1 left home.

Over Christmas we were mapping out the year ahead - holidays, commitments etc and DH mentioned that he'd like to block out some time in autumn for a week away with his mates doing this hobby. He then blocked an 11 day period in the calendar with 'exact dates to be confirmed'.

I found out yesterday from the wife of one of his friends (also my friend) that they have booked the WHOLE 11 DAYS for this trip - not just a week! When I came home and asked DH about it he just feigned surprise and said "I told you about it and it's on the calendar" and claimed he'd never said it was just going to be a week, as it involves travel etc to the destination.

I am really annoyed as I feel he has done this by stealth. I think 11 days away on a personal jolly is too long when you still have family responsibilities at home. He is the ONLY one in the group who still have a school-aged child at home - the rest are all 'empty nesters.'

We're going to talk about it tonight, but I feel he's cornered me. He says he can only go for the full time or not at all, due to the travel arrangements.

AIBU to be annoyed?

If you think it's unreasonable in your circumstances, then you need to say something.

Would he be prepared to look after your DC2 whilst you went away for 11 days? it doesn't really sound like it.

Personally - and this is a personal situation as there isn't a general 'being unreasonable' rule about this - anything over a weekend is taking the piss.

I would be concerned about your DH's lack of respect to your particular family circumstances..the impact on half term, how you are going to cope etc.

Take the dc away yourself. Let him fend for himself at home. Leave a huge DIY list. And switch your phone off and enjoy the peace!!

You get a huge insight into people's marriages when they post things like that!

If you get more peace at home with children, dump the husband. He's either lazy, an idiot, or a lazy idiot.

The whole point is that the OP feels it will be a struggle on her own, it doesn't make sense to then have more time on her own, AWAY with a child with special needs.

I thought you had carried the can here and still to a great extent do. Its great to realise that you do need more time to yourself but how is that going to happen?. Your H as well does not have the luxury of denial here either (some men do indeed act as he has done and go into denial mode, I have seen such scenarios on the SN boards here many times).

Do you think DC2 will manage at university in the event he lives away?. On a far wider level I would look extremely carefully as to what such places can provide in terms of additional support. There has been progress made on this front but it is fair to say that some universities are far better than others when it comes to SN generally.

I would also post on the SN part of this board; specifically the young adults section. You may get replies there too.

vuripadexo

Maybe the OP is breaking down because her husband isn't about to help, not the other way around? Good way to blame the crap parent though.

If the OP said she fucked off every weekend and left her partner to deal with the emotional outbursts of a child with SN I doubnt you'd say the same.

I think I'd find it quite irritating after a while.

Fucking hell. Yes a long term carer finding thing difficult “helped” by their husband who buggers off on his hobbies. How irritating of her.

DH seems very good at carving out time for himself. He has elderly parents two hours away who I understand he needs to visit, but these visits seem to take whole weekends and involve nice lunches out with his extended family.

How nice for him.

I don't know what the solution is regarding this holiday although, as you say, you're not about to make him cancel. But I do think you need to find an outside interest of your own. Not out of spite but you need something for you. Or would you not like to catch up with your sibling for a few days?

In the meantime, for God's sake send DC2 - and even DC1 - with him to his parents sometimes! Surely they'd like to see their Grandchildren?! He doesn't get to opt out of family life!

Oh and if you can afford it, and YOU CAN if he can fuck off for his hobby. (Find the money!) I would just go away for two weeks on my own OP You really don't need to go with anyone! WHy would you? Enjoy the peace.

you need to find an outside interest of your own. Not out of spite but you need something for you.

This! And as a pp said you need to go away for your equivalent break earlier in the year than your husband. Don't think that you just can't do that. You must. Everyone needs time off. Your son will need to learn to cope without you there if he's eventually going to go to university. And your husband needs to see the scale of what you cope with.

he wrote "exact dates to be confirmed" across the period on the calendar

Is this still there then? I would be pointing to it and say you're unimpressed with his lack of truthfulness about the whole thing.

ColdBrexitWithMilkForBreakfast

vuripadexo
Maybe the OP is breaking down because her husband isn't about to help, not the other way around? Good way to blame the crap parent though.

She already said that he helped though. She said they tag teamed with their son throughout the week. Are we just going to ignore anything that contradicts the standard LTB tropes?

Now, Does crying weekly at your son's predictable meltdowns make you a better parent? I'd have thought handling them calmly would be better but apparently that's crap now.

I'm just surprised that no one else sees a man checking out of his marriage. Seems clear as day to me.

Thanks for the messages of support - really appreciated.

I think the family situation destabilised a bit when DC1 went to uni. They were actually a calming influence and DC2 really misses them. Also when DC1 was at home DH & I were able to go out together more as DC1 was around for company/ support.

I think whoever said DH seems to have 'checked out' of family life was right - this is obviously his way of dealing with it.

Yes - I'm very conscious of the impending empty-nest thing. I do work - part-time - and I am doing some courses to retrain for a slightly different career in the future.

We don't know if DC2 will be able to cope with uni in the future or not. They have support at school and sessions with a psychologist currently. At the moment the advice is "one step at a time" and see how it goes and the plan is a post-A level year at a college near home, then hopefully uni within a 60-90 min train/drive from home to give the option of extra support from us, if required.

I’m maybe going against the grain here. Your kids are older. One has left home. One is almost Uni age. It’s this time of life that an 11 day trip should be fine. You don’t have breastfeeding newborns or toddlers or school pick up commitments. I get that you have to cope with meltdowns but I honestly don’t think he should be prevented from going because of the possibility of your child having a meltdown 😕 sounds a bit controlling/restrictive in my book. You have plenty of notice so therefore you have time to organise additional support during that period. Speak to the school senco about hiring somebody qualified to come in during that time period to give you back up. I feel you are being pissy about it just because you don’t have the same opportunity to go and you’re looking for excuses. It feels a bit manipulative if I’m being frank. I’m the first one on here to call a bastard a bastard and chuck out a LTB but in this case I feel you are BU. So in your shoes I’d keep the negativity shut down and 1) look for additional support during that time and 2) look at booking yourself on to a same sort of holiday. You could do a retreat etc you don’t need friends to go with. Walking/hiking/yoga/spa etc. Plenty of options. The two of you have been raising kids for many years so time to give each other a break and let him go enjoy his hobby and the same applies to you. Time to get yourself some hobbies. Both kids will be gone soon so it’s time for a life phase change.

I agree with your comment Buttery that everyone needs time off but when you are a parent to a young adult with additional support needs actually receiving that time off can be extremely difficult if not nigh on impossible. Aside from her H, a man who has been in denial about his son's needs to date, OP seems to have no family support whatsoever.

I am wondering how well OPs DC2 will manage at university; saying that he will need to learn to cope is way off the mark here given his anxiety and specific learning difficulty. Those needs will not dissipate at university and other problems could arise, support for him will need to be in place and set up long before he sets foot in the door there.

I honestly don’t think he should be prevented from going because of the possibility of your child having a meltdown

It’s not a possibility, it’s a daily occurrence!

I was the person who said it seemed like he'd checked out. I'm not saying you should coddle him btw, just that there are deeper issues at stake and it might more productive to focus on them.

As for the holiday, it's done and I'm not sure what the point is in arguing over it. Can DC1 come home for that weekend maybe? If it's during the break and you are financially comfortable, maybe you could take a day trip to see DC1 in uni or with DC1 somewhere else for a few days? DC2 might find this calming.

I'd focus the conversation more on general unhappiness since DC1 left and discussions over how to make sure everyone including you is getting what you need.

I think the main issue here is that the OP's husband has been deliberately deceitful about the trip. This alone should tell us that he himself thinks it's wrong, and he knows more what family life feels like than any of us here.
Regardless of what anyone here thinks, OP, his partner will struggle on her own. What sort of husband says "tough luck, I'm off"?
I wouldn't be happy OP. It's not fun if his having fun at the expense of your mental health. I think you need to talk.

Re your comment:-

"We don't know if DC2 will be able to cope with uni in the future or not. They have support at school and sessions with a psychologist currently. At the moment the advice is "one step at a time" and see how it goes and the plan is a post-A level year at a college near home, then hopefully uni within a 60-90 min train/drive from home to give the option of extra support from us, if required".

Will your DC2 ultimately be able to live independently of you?. That may not happen.

I would not rely on their one step at a time and see how it goes approach at all. When he leaves his current place of education, they will wash their hands of him and will have no further responsibility towards you. The transition as well from child to adult services can be patchy as well.

How does DC2 feel about college for a year, again will his needs be supported there?. I feel very strongly about that because I went through a nightmare with college when my child's support was withdrawn and his time there in the main was awful to put it mildly. If their needs are not met in any educational setting a disaster is waiting to happen.

*he's

What sort of husband says "tough luck, I'm off"?

Absolutely!

Do you think DC 2 will eventually live independently? Has this been discussed?

I wondering if he thinks perhaps not and is carving out a new life for himself.

Dunin
I get what you're saying, and in normal circumstances, I'd tend to agree with you. It's tricky, because it's outing, but DC2's meltdowns are quite significant, not just a bit of door-slamming.
So, in the past we've had:

• anger management/ damage to belongings/ house. On at least one occasion I had to physically stand between DH & DC2 to prevent an argument coming to blows (that was early on when DH used to shout/ argue back - he knows that doesn't help now)
• minor self-harm, threat of greater self-harm
• disappearing. DC2 just walks out after angry outburst (sometimes in evening) Switches off phone/ won't respond to texts etc and we don't know where they are/ if they are safe for several hours. On one occasion recently we were out looking for them at 1.30 a.m. and were almost about to call the police when we found them.

So this isn't just a bit of normal teen angst, it's a bit harder than that. And of course it gets worse when routines change (such as DH being away for 11 days ) so to be honest I think I'm not just angry at the prospect of DH's holiday, I think I'm bloody petrified!

Oh and BTW, I'm not in tears in front of DC2 during meltdowns, it's just later when the exhaustion of it all sets in.

I think as long as you get to go on your own jolly at some point then I don’t see why not. Everyone needs downtime. I went to Australia for two weeks when my DC were 4 and 2 and left them with DH. I only booked it the month before As that’s when the opportunity arose. Obviously we had a quick chat about it but he was very supportive. So if I were you I get looking at a break away for yourself at some point!

I am one of 3 girls, my DF never went away doing his hobby until I was 16/17, but I’m the eldest. My DM and DF have a company together, and they both worked equally as hard during our childhood.

My DSis wasn’t an easy child, or teenager, she was constantly having meltdowns, in trouble, and strugggled at school.

My DM didn’t bregrudge my DF for going away, she continued running their business, and caring for us. Yes she probably found it tough, but my DF was doing something he enjoyed, something which he had spent the last 17 years of his life not doing, as he was working, providing and caring for us. My DM didn’t just pack a bag and disappear on his return, as payback, and she didn’t make an issue out of it.

In fact he went the next year, and the next year and every year since. Now a days he goes 3-6 times a year to different part of the world, doing his hobby, and my DM runs the business with my Dsis. They have been happily married for 35years.

Your DC are not babies, toddlers, and whilst your DS may need additional support, you are both adults and should work together. Your DH has probably been their and supported you through the last 17years, and maybe this is something he just wants to do for himself.

Maybe go and see your Other DS that weekend near his uni, or ask him to come home one weekend so you can go out together.

That sounds intense and I can’t even imagine how hard that must be for all of you :( surely there must be some compromise/way of accommodating his want/need to get away on his trip. You’ve got until the autumn to get support organised. That’s 9/10 months away. To be fair, he has given you lots of notice so that’s a positive. Like another poster said, could DC1 come home during those 11 days to help? Another family member? School support suggested person? I do think he should be able to get his hobby break as should you. It’s a pretty shitty life if at your kids ages, you can’t get away for a couple of weeks with friends. For what it’s worth, I’ve got multiple young kids and I regularly get overseas to visit family/friends for that sort of time period. We just get it all organised 6 months plus in advance.

Randomname12345 a foundation degree closer to home has definitely been a great way to go for my Dd1. A bit of independence without having had to move out. Lots of support via the Disabled Students Allowance means she is getting all the support she needs while still feeling like an adult. It's worth having a look at that.

I am a person who really needs my space. I have become a carer because of my Dc but I do need my time out and I would quickly come to resent anyone who tried to curtail that. I would just crave more time to myself.

It does sound like you need to sit down with Dh and say I don't like the way that you did this and I am allocating the same amount of days and money to do something for myself.
you don't need to plan it just now and you don't need to take the days all together!

My best time away was in a hotel all by myself

Dh loves it when I go away because I come back refreshed and more upbeat.

It's sounds less like meltdowns in a managed situation and more like a full blown crisis still on going.

If the anxiety is related to school and schoolwork - i.e. it only happens in term time and they are fine the rest of the time - why are you going through with UCAS applications and things? Wouldn't it be better for DC1 to take a gap year and possibly have some space to deal with these issues. It doesn't sound like your child is going to cope with any further study at all.

I know people think the world ends if you don't go to uni at 18 but delaying for a few years, maybe working for a bit to build confidence, or even going in the apprenticeship route might be a better way. Or even going to a job and doing university part time may reduce the pressure on it.