AIBU about DH's 'boys' holiday'?

[Randomname12345]

Have NC for this and will need to be a bit vague as it could be outing.

Context: we have two older children, one now living away from home and one in L6 (DC2).
DC2 has anxiety/ mental issues and a SPLD which means that they tend to be tired/angry and need a lot of home support during term time. DH & I tend to 'tag team' it as there are often angry outbursts which are emotionally draining and often reduce me to tears. Probably about 1-2 a week on average.

DH has a hobby which he does with some friends. I am mostly supportive, although it does seem to be taking up more and more time at weekends, especially since DC1 left home.

Over Christmas we were mapping out the year ahead - holidays, commitments etc and DH mentioned that he'd like to block out some time in autumn for a week away with his mates doing this hobby. He then blocked an 11 day period in the calendar with 'exact dates to be confirmed'.

I found out yesterday from the wife of one of his friends (also my friend) that they have booked the WHOLE 11 DAYS for this trip - not just a week! When I came home and asked DH about it he just feigned surprise and said "I told you about it and it's on the calendar" and claimed he'd never said it was just going to be a week, as it involves travel etc to the destination.

I am really annoyed as I feel he has done this by stealth. I think 11 days away on a personal jolly is too long when you still have family responsibilities at home. He is the ONLY one in the group who still have a school-aged child at home - the rest are all 'empty nesters.'

We're going to talk about it tonight, but I feel he's cornered me. He says he can only go for the full time or not at all, due to the travel arrangements.

AIBU to be annoyed?

Randomname12345 I think my post probably will go against the grain of many others so I will give a bit of background.

We have four Dc eldest has ASD, Dd2 has a long term medical condition and youngest has complex needs.

Life is a very full on tag team with Dh in order to meet all their needs and in addition we both work. The only way we can keep up with it is to have individual jollies. Obviously I would really want a me and Dh jolly but that just isn't possible.

Dh has a golf jolly every year. This year he is also away for 11 days on another trip. It will exhaust me and I have to use annual leave to cover. I will have my own trip at some stage once I decide what I want to do but I recognise the importance of Dh having time outside of being an employee or carer.

My advice is sit down and think carefully. What is it you have an issue with? If your Ds is capable of university through UCAS then potentially this time next year you will be a Mum with both Dc living away. How are you preparing for that?

I have spent a lot of time with Dh discussing this. We both have a need to have our own hobbies etc and to have a life outside of Dc and caring responsibilities.

Is their a possibility that you need to step back slightly from Ds and allow him to increase his independence before university.

I mean all of this in your best possible interest. It's very easy with a Dc with additional needs for that to completely take over your life to the extent that you just exist. You really have to fight for time with your Dh and separate time for yourself and separate time for him too.

Go on your own!! Read books, eat in amazing restaurants.

"Why can’t you do anything in half term? Has he booked it in the holidays?"

No - but it's close to Half Term, so he won't be able to take any extra time off around the same time!

Late teenage children and this has never happened before, never been an issue, he’s always done his share? YABU. Marriage is not jail. You shouldn’t have to subvert your own needs and wants for ever. MNetters talk like they own their husbands sometimes.

He's gone about it in a sneaky way which needs addressing...however I wouldn't have a real problem with him going away for a holiday with his mates of it was for a hobby. It sounds like you're all pretty busy so I'm sure it'll do him good but make sure you take time out for yourself.

As for half term, why can't you and your DS go away?

Take the dc away yourself. Let him fend for himself at home. Leave a huge DIY list.
And switch your phone off and enjoy the peace!!

Yabu .. let him go and you go on a jolly with your friends another time
I can't see a problem to be honest
Funnily enough I was just looking for a few days away by myself South of France later this year
My husband thinks any time away from the family is unreasonable and we should ALL go away together he thinks it's selfish to want to go away by myself
I'm meh about the whole thing

Carol there is a child with additional needs in the mix here. Daily meltdowns. In the middle of UCAS application. Jolly means no family break at half term.

No, marriage isn't a prison. It is, however, a partnership.

Do you usually go away October half term?

Take the dc away yourself. Let him fend for himself at home.

So he gets another break whilst OP looks after the DC alone again. Yeah that’ll show him!

You’ve got 9 months to get plans sorted for the time he is away and your DC could be 18 by then, also if they are as unstable as you say, maybe uni isn’t for them. I really don’t think 11 days away is a big deal, even if your DC were younger and both still at home. Make sure you take some time out for yourself throughout the year, but don’t begrudge your DH’s time away.

Yes I know. I can read thanks. I have two children with additional needs myself, one of whom also has daily meltdowns. So what if they can’t go on holiday all together one half term? Many other opportunities throughout the year and the other many years/decades they have had and will have together. 11 days out of a lifetime of bringing up children together is not a big deal.

I thiink the key question is: how would he react if you said that you were going to book a week's holiday for yourself? Anything other than 'All right dear, you deserve it, have a nice time' means he's a selfish prick who is not pulling his weight.

'Looks after the DC alone'

They're young adults not toddlers! How much 'looking after' can they possibly need?

Spending time with the dc alone isn't a chore surely?

I didn't object to the boys trip when he first mentioned it, but I'm angry because I do think he has been sneaky about the way he has gone about it. I'm not entirely happy with one of the friends he does this hobby with - he seems very misogynistic and self-centred. I can imagine DH saying "I'll need to check with DW for those dates" and this guy mocking him .

In reality, I expect I will have to let him go, but it leaves a sour taste - if I can't expect him to be honest about this, what else should I worry about him lying about? I also don't like the semi-gaslighting element of him telling me that I mustn't have been listening properly and he "definitely" told me it was going to be 11 days. I'm sure he didn't, and as I said, he wrote "exact dates to be confirmed" across the period on the calendar. This was also in the context of us 'blocking out' periods of time when all four of us were free for a family holiday etc.

Not meaning to sound rude and might be barking up the wrong tree but do you work and have friends/hobbies of your own away from the family OP?

Also the DH obviously knew he was being unreasonable otherwise he wouldn’t have lied about it being a week when it’s really 11 days.

If I had DC with additional nerds who had daily meltdowns and me and DH had to tag in and out because it was so difficult for us both there’s no way I’d swan off and an extra stressful time and leave my DH to cope alone. Plus meaning no family holiday. And DC at uni next year so I could have my jolly then with less impact. Oh and plus he’s already going off more and more at the weekend leaving OP to keep house.

Then again I actually care about my DH and his well-being.

They're young adults not toddlers! How much 'looking after' can they possibly need?

Perhaps reading the actual thread might help.

Your children aren't tiny and should mostly be looking after themselves by now.

I don't think he's being unreasonable, but neither would you be. I think you should book yourself some time away.

I agree he's been a bit sneaky, and that's the bit that makes you feel awful. Can you tell him up front that you both know he did not tell you it would be 11 days, and that this is what's frustrating you. Then, hopefully, let it go.

Also, if you had plans to consider go at half term, ask him what his plan is for this instead? If you never go away at half term then be honest about whether it's the reality or the principle that is annoying you.

And absolutely, you need to get away. Doesn't need to be for 11 days. But make the point that you also need a break and think about how you can get that in whatever form works for you. eg 3 weekends in a row or whatever.

Somewhereovertheroad
You make some very sensible points - thank you.
You're right, I DO need to carve out more time for myself.

DC2 won't be ready for Uni in 2020 but will probably defer and do a foundation course closer to home for another year.

I'm sure part of my concern over this is that I feel I shoulder more than my share of the responsibility for DC2. For a long time DH wouldn't even acknowledge there was a problem and it was only when I insisted we get an assessment two years ago that we finally got some clarification. DH is still in denial in many ways. Sometimes he doesn't handle DC2's meltdowns well and makes things worse.
I think he would rather just ignore the problems and hope they go away .
DH seems very good at carving out time for himself. He has elderly parents two hours away who I understand he needs to visit, but these visits seem to take whole weekends and involve nice lunches out with his extended family.
I'm not comfortable leaving DC2 alone for whole weekends, so don't go with DH. DC2 doesn't really have a friendship group for sleepovers.
I have no family support mechanism. Both my parents are dead and my sibling lives 400 miles away.

I also think the husband in this case has acted underhand here.

Also this young adult would need extra support at university as well and this can take some time to arrange. And who is this going to fall to; the default position here is the child's mother.

To the OP; where is your day to day support here other than your DH?. Are you receiving support from anyone other than your DH and also for your DC2 what support is he receiving currently?. Are his needs in education being met?. Have you all been basically left to get on with it.

You also do not have the luxury of having 11 days off with friends.

Your children aren't tiny and should mostly be looking after themselves by now.

They have additional needs and daily meltdowns.

Is your home life actually happy?

It sounds like every week is just another miserable round of your son's meltdowns and then you emotionally breaking down and your DH having to pick up pieces. I know your son can't help it but you being reduced to tears twice a week every single week seems like something you could help tbh. I think I'd find it quite irritating after a while.

And your son is 17. You keep talking about "empty nesters" vs "school age children" but you are one year away from being empty nesters yourselves. Do you work?

Anyway your DH sounds like he is beginning to check out. He's trying to slip away at weekends and he doesn't want to go on family holidays anymore. Instead of getting resentful, I'd sit down and try and have a serious but open conversation about the state of your marriage. I would take this as a wakeup call.