He wants a baby now, says he'll leave if I'm not fertile

[CMD87]

I'm 32 years old. We have been together 9 years. He's in a good paying job. I've been unemployed for 3 months. On the pill since before we met. He's now said once I get a job and we have 2 steady incomes, we have to start trying for a baby. He also said I'm not getting any younger and that if I'm infertile, then he'll have to find someone younger. I'd like kids maybe, but never had that massive maternal longing like other. My nieces and nephews are cool etc! Financially we are not ready.

As I've wrote this out, I now feel I know the answer to my non question here.

Anyone else experience something similar? 😦

He sounds like Henry VIII!

It is not unreasonable for someone who wants children above all else to prioritise that over their existing relationship. Male factor fertility problems can be fairly easily rectified with donor sperm if that’s acceptable, but serious female factor problems, or just ageing, are much more difficult to solve. So it’s not necessarily an unreasonable position. But the way he’s said it, to a 32 year old ffs is both weird and twattish. It’s an LTB from me.

Infertility can be one of the cruellest things to experience in life. Hopefully you won't have to, hopefully HE won't have to, but if it happens you will want to be in a rock solid relationship with someone who loves you completely.

Are you??? Does he???
Even if you are lucky enough to conceive within (his) given timeframe... imagine telling your child this story???!!

Ahhhh - you are reliant on him financially for a brief period and he shows his real, controlling colours. Keep looking for a good job and, once you are settled, I would tell him to stick his fertility up his old fashioned, misogynistic arse and move back in with his 'womb for rent' mother

He’s got no respect for you. Be done with him now. I can guarantee that if you do conceive a child, he will only get nastier.

There is a difference between wanting children - which means exploring other options if there are fertility issues - and telling someone you'll leave them if they're infertile!

Fucks sake. You’re 32, not 62. Hardly past it as far as baby making is concerned. Should you even want kids.

This is my first ever LTB too. You deserve much better OP!

There are plenty of threads on here from women whose partners tell them that they aren’t ready/aren’t sure whether they want children yet and the advice is always to leave them. Why is this different? Because he’s a man perhaps? .

While I personally wouldn’t leave someone if they were infertile I know for a fact that there are plenty of posters on here who would advise a female poster to leave her partner if they were diagnosed with fertility issues and weren’t prepared to jump through every hoop imaginable to have a baby.

But this is mn and as usual double standards abound.

Id say are you actually fucking jokin, bye then twat, thats 9yrs of my life wasted on a knobhead.

He didn't say he'd leave if she didn't WANT children. Only if she couldn't have them.
And any man who "jokes" about trading in his partner for a younger model is a tool.
Run op. You're young and not tied down. You have time.

So when you talked about DC, and the expectation you wouid have them, were you stringing him along?

From his POV, it's 9 years in and you're still refusing to TTC.

He has phrased it spectacularly badly and hurtfully. But what he is doing is, in essence, exactly what posters are usually advised to do.

He basically just wants an incubator then, doesn't he? What ever happened to loving you and wanting to have a family together? Has he got your back when things get tough? Only so far it seems.

As soon as I got another job I'd be out of there.

It is not unreasonable for someone who wants children above all else to prioritise that over their existing relationship.

I agree here. He's actually not being unreasonable in his intent. If he does want children of his own, he's within his rights to leave if there are fertility issues.

However the way he's expressed this shows a woeful lack of respect towards OP. She should seriously consider leaving him.

We couldn't have children. But a few years before we knew that, when discussing it, he said if I didn't want children he would choose me over having a child elsewhere. Knowing that when we realised we couldn't have children was something I held on to, because I knew he loved me.

Relying on this obnoxious twat financially is a HUGE mistake.

Why on earth would you even consider raising a child with someone like this...Am I missing something here????

He sounds awful get a job and leave.

Trying to bully you into having kids and threatening you as well? What makes him think men can't be infertile, or does he think he's irreplaceable?
Well, I wouldn't have kids just to please him. You do you and if it means dumping Mr cocky balls, go for it. Your happiness comes first!

The consensus on this forum is that if a relationship, marriage or not, makes either partner very unhappy, they should leave. If a man's wife or partner turns out to be infertile and this makes him very unhappy, then he would therefore be reasonable to leave. This would need to be handled with great tact and respect though.

What an arsehole

LTB

I never comment on this type of thread but just to reiterate...don't do it. He sounds vile. Why would you want him to father your child(ren).

His opinions belong in a period drama.

He sounds like a twat/cnt ; actually I'll go with cnt.

32 is relatively young to be TTC. My child is 14 months and most of the women I meet at baby groups are in their late 30s. Nearly 90% of couples 35 - 39 get pregnant within a year. People going on about fertility like it drops off a cliff at 35 irritate the fk out of me. It's more like it drops off a cliff at 42 (and even then some people go on til 45 or so).

I notice his mum and he focus entirely on your fertility; traditionalkh and convenientkh ignoring that make fertility is not unaffected by age either - more difficult y getting partner pregnant, more likelihood of miscarriage and abnormalities ; fertility clinics in UK and us stopped taking sperm from donors over 39/40; do they know that t-shirt no I'm sure not, it's only a female issue.

It's the attitude and the ultimatums that are the worrying part.

(Male fertility)

As someone else already pointed out, say you go ahead and try for a child with him, get oregbabt, have one (a v likely scenario in spite of your imminent geriatric-ness) .... It is extremely, extremely hard work, tiring, stressful, demanding, requiring a great deal of cooperation, team work, kindness, tolerance, unselfishness, compromise; he doesn't really sound capable of that.