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Relationships

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Original poster

Having dinner with ex wife on her birthday

88 replies

expo · 24/01/2019 08:43

I am divorced with two kids age 11 and 13. My new partner is also divorced with two kids age 14 and 16. He separated 4 years ago and divorced 3 years ago. He still spends his ex wife’s birthday dinner with her and his kids. He says it is for the kids. I go through a wave of being cool about it and then think why? Fully understand that he would spend his kids birthdays together with her - but why would he want to have dinner on her birthday? Or am I being mean and not thinking about his kids. From my side I wouldn’t want to spend my birthday dinner with my ex (and we have a fine relationship - it’s just not something I would choose) and I find it rather odd she wouldn’t want to spend her birthday dinner with a friend. She has not got a new partner and from what he tells me she didn’t want to split in the first place.

OP posts:

LuluBellaBlue · 24/01/2019 08:45

I think it’s a nice thing. Both parties have clearly moved on so if there’s no other red flags I’d support this and see it as a sign of a decent family person putting their children first and thinking of the mother of their children.

2019willbegreat · 24/01/2019 08:53

I think it's a bit strange after so long. I could see it more if it was DC birthday dinner. No red flags but possibly just now a habit/thing that feels awkward to stop. It wouldn't surprise me if DC were to say in the future (when fully grown adults) that they also found it strange once they hit their teens!

I wouldn't want to do it myself.

Iris27 · 24/01/2019 08:53

Seconded. It's a great achievement that they can do this and you should be proud of him.

Saying that, i would probably feel the same as you but please keep it to yourself. You don't want to be that person. It's only once a year and it's for the kids.

Iris27 · 24/01/2019 08:54

Seconded lulu i mean

MistressDeeCee · 24/01/2019 08:55

I get on with ExH well enough but I wouldn't be part of his birthday celebrations, neither he mine. What for?

I would find it off-putting in your shoes tbh. There's a bond for life with the children but I can't see that mum.has to be so much a part of that otherwise nobody would ever move on, would they?

I can't see why her yearly birthday celebrations have to feature him. But I know there's a school of thought that current relationship must forever take a back seat if ex & kids involved.

Precisely why I never dated men with younger children or who were still very much interweaved into ex's life. Uninteresting, and too much potential for hassle & misunderstanding.

Original poster

expo · 24/01/2019 09:06

Ufff thanks all. I see both sides and flip flap between thinking I am being selfish because he says it is for his kids and then indeed think - hmmm they are 14 and 16 now and very much well balanced and finding their independence - and I spend time with them together too - surely it’s also a little odd for them. However I take the point that maybe I just need to grin and bear it and hope he stops it soon. The thing that bugs me a bit is that she clearly encourages it as she didn’t want to split according to him, and doesn’t have a new partner. And I have said I don’t like it but it doesn’t make any difference which annoys me a bit. Apart from this everything else in the relationship is normal and I am very happy.

OP posts:

MumsyJ · 24/01/2019 09:08

Nope, not for me! I wouldn't put up with this spending ex's birthday together nonsense! It's ok if it were the kids' birthdays but the ex? Absolutely NOT!

Original poster

expo · 24/01/2019 09:10

@MistressDeeCee - I don’t want to have dinner with my ex either on his birthday and don’t think the kids suffer either way because of it. They see him loads anyway. Why would we all need to play happy families on his birthday. But this may be because I have a new partner and so does my ExH. But then again - why the heck does she want to spend her birthday with a man she is divorced from. Wouldn’t she want to go out with a mate?

OP posts:

lubeybooby · 24/01/2019 09:16

well it wouldn't be something I would do but I feel if you don't trust him then you have bigger problems

and if you do trust him then it doesn't matter whether she still likes him or whatever or not.

Original poster

expo · 24/01/2019 09:20

@lubeybooby I totally trust him. Just don’t like that he is having dinner with another woman. I just have to suck it up don’t I.

OP posts:

Weirdlookingbricks · 24/01/2019 09:24

He's having dinner with another woman and his kids though. It's not quite the same thing really.

MistressDeeCee · 24/01/2019 09:25

expo agreed. I've 2 DCs with my ExH and we are amicable. I'd have never required his presence on my birthday. Respect for myself, his new partner and also that he isn't my partner...!

In your case maybe it's a 'family yearly tradition' but you know, when relationships end then some traditions should go. If it was the childrens' birthdays I could understand but honestly..not his ex.

But - he is continuing with this as well as her, isn't he? That's the main issue..

Men with 'ex' strings attached often want you to accommodate their ex partner, I think. That's aside from (rightly) being there for the children.

Sometimes it comes down to you deciding whether you want to be a part of that or not . I wouldn't want to see DP getting dressed up going out to spend an evening with his ex, celebrating and reminiscing...it's not appropriate.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 24/01/2019 09:28

he says it is for his kids and then indeed think - hmmm they are 14 and 16 now and very much well balanced and finding their independence

I think he is showing them that being divorced doesn't mean that parents can't maintain a respectful relationship; this doesn't really have anything to do with how old the kids are.

Another vote for be proud of him.

Littlechocola · 24/01/2019 09:31

How long have you been together?

I think it shows that he puts his children first, he’s kind and caring.

ComtesseDeSpair · 24/01/2019 09:34

My ex and I take each other for dinner on each of our birthdays. We also do other birthday stuff alone with our respective friends and families. We separated amicably and have remained friendly. When someone's been a big part of your life for many years, cutting them out of it simply because you aren’t in a sexual/romantic relationship anymore seems odd to me.

In your OH’s case I think it’s worthy of a lot of respect that he and his ex want to demonstrate to their DC that a couple can separate and remain friendly - there are far too many former couples at each other’s throats andcportraying this as the norm.

O4FS · 24/01/2019 09:39

I think it’s an opportunity for their DCs to see their parents together and getting on. That’s important insomuch that it’s teaching them an important lesson about relationships and relationships when they break down. They love their DCs and that hasn’t changed their parenting. It’s a good thing, and should be applauded.

But, as far as two individual adults go, personally I would not want XH to share my birthday nor I his. I find that odd.

Think you’ve just got to go along with it and see it as a positive for the children.

Cheekylittlenumber · 24/01/2019 09:39

Why don’t you have dinner with your ex and kids?

I think it’s odd. The kids are old enough to understand they’re separated and moved on. It’s good they’re amicable but I think celebrating her bday is strange.

theworldistoosmall · 24/01/2019 09:47

I wouldn't find it weird. But then I'm still friendly with a couple of exes. As mates we are fab. In a relationship not so great, hence the ex.
I've broken up with guys who aren't happy that I have male friends. As it says to me that either you don't trust me and think I am screwing around. Or that it's an insight into your own behaviour and you would screw around. Plus it's controlling, what happens when it's not just the ex that there's an issue with?

luckiestgirl · 24/01/2019 09:55

I think it’s lovely and modelling great amicable relationships for the teenagers. I’d be encouraging it personally, not hoping it will stop soon.

Myheartbelongsto · 24/01/2019 10:00

Hmm, I don't believe so many women would be fine with this.

His kids are old enough now and he's been divorced long enough to show them he's a good father and can still get on with their mother.

If she didn't want to split maybe he feels guilty but who knows.

Saying it's for the kids is convenient isn't it, I mean how can you argue with that.

Months after we got together my boyfriend gave his ex a lift and I packed his bags. He said he was just being nice, I said it was disrespectful to me so no way would I like this.

Kumali · 24/01/2019 10:04

Sorry but I'd not like it. Does she have a partner?? What does he think? You can be amicable without going so far.

MumsyJ · 24/01/2019 10:12

Whatever next? Valentine's day, Christmas, Easter and weekends away with the ex for the sake of "modelling amicable break ups to the kids?". They shouldn't have divorced then, how ironical! Tell me something I don't know 🙄.

Musti · 24/01/2019 10:16

It would t worry me but I would tell him that if anything it is confusing for the children and it's also making it difficult for her to move on if she still holds a torch for him.

altiara · 24/01/2019 10:18

How long have you been together? Can you invite yourself along?

Boysandbuses · 24/01/2019 10:28

I don't think there is anything wrong with it, I would like it. Logic says if they wanted to be together, then they would be. But emotionally, I would be happy.

That said I wouldn't get involved with a man who did things like this with an ex and their kids. I certainly wouldn't be expecting them to change because I was on the scene.

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