Having dinner with ex wife on her birthday

[expo]

I am divorced with two kids age 11 and 13. My new partner is also divorced with two kids age 14 and 16. He separated 4 years ago and divorced 3 years ago. He still spends his ex wife’s birthday dinner with her and his kids. He says it is for the kids. I go through a wave of being cool about it and then think why? Fully understand that he would spend his kids birthdays together with her - but why would he want to have dinner on her birthday? Or am I being mean and not thinking about his kids. From my side I wouldn’t want to spend my birthday dinner with my ex (and we have a fine relationship - it’s just not something I would choose) and I find it rather odd she wouldn’t want to spend her birthday dinner with a friend. She has not got a new partner and from what he tells me she didn’t want to split in the first place.

Ffs I wouldn't like it

Out of all of the things you can do to promote healthy respect in a separated family, I think this would be bottom of my list and deemed very unnecessary. Especially as it could cause issues with the new life that I was building.

When someone's been a big part of your life for many years, cutting them out of it simply because you aren’t in a sexual/romantic relationship anymore seems odd to me
Totally agree with this.

Well what's your option other than putting up with it really? Saying you don't like it and stopping it happening?

All that will happen then is everyone will know you've put a stop to it and the kids will know they're not going for dinner with both their parents because of you.

It's no big deal in the grand scheme of things as long as everything else is ok with your relationship. It's just a dinner.

Unfortunately your partner is always going to be part of his ex's family through the kids. It's better they get on than the opposite.

Is it not really the case that the kids are taking mum out for dinner but as children dad pays so dad is there. It’s a birthday present really if mum paid not much of a present and dad wouldn’t know the cost till the bill comes in.

Thanks so much for your responses. Have been at work all day so just read them all. What you are all saying makes sense and indeed has been the flip flap in my head. It feels pretty 50:50 which is reassuring in one respect - and why I have felt both ways. I really liked the comment about him doing it for his guilt but then saying he is doing it for his kids because honestly how can I argue with that. I think he does have an element of guilt. No she doesn’t have a new partner which probably adds to that guilt. I will relax and see what happens next year. I have registered now my feelings of uncomfortableness. As somebody said - there are plenty of ways to register normal relations without spending her birthday with her. I know that well from my situation. Thanks all x

Chillipizza makes a good point. Mine would invite their dad along if it meant the didn’t have to pay.

How long have you been with him?

No I would not like this. Surely if there's nothing in it and everything's amicable why can't you go along?

Very odd; understandable if DCs birthday ad said before, but not hers. Agree with a PP if all so amicable you should go too. I’m amicable with my exh but dont want dinner with him on my birthday that would be weird!

What happens on his birthday?

I think if it was just the two of them in an expensive restaurant it would be a bit intimate but if it’s the local harvester for tea with the family then you could suck it up. It sounds as if the kids don’t need them to do it though.

I can’t be in the same room as my exh so hats off to them if they are civilised.

Nah, it's odd. I'm divorced and have a great relationship with my ex husband but I wouldn't do this. You don't need to be having birthday meals with your ex to model good relationships to your children. My DS sees me and my ex getting on well but we have separate lives now and we don't need to be involved in each other's any more than is necessary.

F**king weird!

We have been together 2 years and have holidayed together with all the kids once.

There is no way I could go. She didn’t want to split originally so his new girlfriend is not in favour.

@BitchQueen90 yes that is what bugs me

Well i think that's an issue. Who is actually driving this, is it the children? Or is it the ex wife using it as an excuse to spend time with your partner? If its the latter then it needs to stop.

@dibdabbers23 I have no idea who is suggesting it or driving it. In addition at Xmas he also spent their local (foreign) day together - not like the UK day - but the local special day. They spent it together. I also didn’t like that either and made that clear. Again excuse was - it is for the children.

Ps then we spent Christmas and new year together

Personally I think it is wrong to keep up this facade of happy families on birthdays and special occasions. When I was that age, it would have given me false hope of my parents getting back together. A cleaner break with amicable parents is far more straight forward, however noble the intention.
That’s just my view and I’m sure many would disagree.

Personally i think the children are old enough to see that there parents are amicable without the need to spend celebrations together. Particularly when it is clear she is resentful of you.

I'm with you on this @DBML this shit winds me up.

Thank you ladies. Indeed my kids are well adjusted seeing their parents laughing together and being fully aligned on parenting/disciplining them without having to spend Christmas and birthdays together.

How do the children treat you?

Children’s one off events, no problem. Children’s birthdays, unnecessary - they can have two celebrations. Ex wife’s birthday - no. I’d help them choose and pay for a present, but very much from them. It’s muddying the waters all around. She needs him not to behave like this so she can move on, he’s being unfair to both of you.