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Original poster

Having dinner with ex wife on her birthday

88 replies

expo · 24/01/2019 08:43

I am divorced with two kids age 11 and 13. My new partner is also divorced with two kids age 14 and 16. He separated 4 years ago and divorced 3 years ago. He still spends his ex wife’s birthday dinner with her and his kids. He says it is for the kids. I go through a wave of being cool about it and then think why? Fully understand that he would spend his kids birthdays together with her - but why would he want to have dinner on her birthday? Or am I being mean and not thinking about his kids. From my side I wouldn’t want to spend my birthday dinner with my ex (and we have a fine relationship - it’s just not something I would choose) and I find it rather odd she wouldn’t want to spend her birthday dinner with a friend. She has not got a new partner and from what he tells me she didn’t want to split in the first place.

OP posts:
Original poster
expo · 24/01/2019 22:34

And the thing that upsets me is that he knows it unsettled me. Not unsettled me in that I feel jealous or don’t trust him. It just unsettles me because he is recreating anything unit together. The unit he has with his boys is sacred. But why does he still need a unit with his boys and his ex wife? Again, I reiterate - when it is their birthdays I fully understand - but when it is her birthday is a little odd no?

OP posts:
Original poster
expo · 24/01/2019 22:42

@ilovechristmaslights his children are both as good with me as to be expected given I am not their mother. They are well brought up kids. I even understand that he spends their birthday with them and his ex without me. (And by the way on my kids birthdays he is here - driven by the fact there is no tension between him and my XH.) But no I am not invited to his kids birthdays. But that is fine. Again they thing that bugs me is her birthday and their local Xmas evening

OP posts:
Palestperson · 25/01/2019 05:52

I think it’s nice. They are still a family despite not being in a relationship. Some
People choose to dissolve their family when they divorce but some keep the family unit together in some ways . Neither are wrong, it’s just what works for the .

Robin2323 · 25/01/2019 06:30

This lady dies not have a partner.
Did not want the split.
It's only been 3 years.
No time at all.
Sounds like she's not over and hopes they may get back together.
This is not good for his ex wife.
How can she move on?
Me and my dh never spent any time we the ex's after the divorce because we were , um , divorced.
In both our cases the ex's choose the split. They did not want to be with us - thank goodness.
In his ex wife position thus would have given me false hope. Not healthy.

FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18 · 27/01/2019 14:21

Its not something I would be happy with. Why create a family unit that doesn't exist any more? I think that's more confusing to kids than anything else. Is he going to spend his birthday, her birthday, every special occasion with his ex wife who wants him back? I can't see it being a happy life for you.

emilybrontescorsett · 27/01/2019 14:36

No I wouldn't like it.
Would your partner be fine if the roles were reversed? If your ex celebrated your birthday with you and the dcs, whilst he is single and never wanted a split from you?
It's great that they are amicable but when will it stop?

Teapot1984 · 27/01/2019 17:57

OP;don't worry about it,firstly I'd think after 4 years post separation and a divorce later the EW would have got the message your partner isn't interested in rekindling things regardless of if she's single or not.Secondly unless she's the queen a birthday is once a year,it's one dinner and although the kids are older it's obviously their tradition.Its nice they are civil enough to do that.Just let it go.

MaryShelley1818 · 27/01/2019 20:54

I think he sounds lovely.
Me and my ex husband went out for a Chinese a couple of weeks ago, we try to meet up once every six weeks or so for a takeaway/meal/catch up, my lovely DH who I married last month was at home with baby DS. He’s absolutely 100% fine with it as he trusts me, loves me and respects that me and ex-DH are still very good friends.

Original poster
expo · 27/01/2019 23:22

So interesting to hear all your comments. Thank you so much everyone. So interesting reading the comments. This one is really not clear cut. My back and forth now feels normal - when my sensible logical side kicks in then it is fine but when my emotional side gets involved I feel annoyed.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 27/01/2019 23:36

I wouldn't put up with this spending ex's birthday together nonsense!
See if your relationship hings on what he does on one day of the year when it clearly isn't cheating etc, i don't think it speaks highly of the relationship.

I wouldn't put up with my partner telling me who I can and can't spend time with and that if i don't do as they tell me, they'll dump me. That isn't a healthy relationship, it's control.

OP i get its weird, but i think if you know he isn't secretly snogging her behind the birthday cake then accept you don't get to control his friendships / relationships

Sisterlove · 28/01/2019 00:31

I wouldn't like it personally, but I'd like to think it will come to an end soon.

The kids may go off to Uni....
meet partners and leave home. If it didnt stop then, I'd think about the relationship. ..as I wouldn't want it going on forever.

I wouldn't issue an ultimatum or even mention it again, I'd just end things on a good note.
If he asks why, I'd say there was an issue raised X years ago which you expressed not being happy with and it's still happening, which doesn't work for you.

RomanticFatigue · 28/01/2019 00:49

Oh god, this is a bit too close to home for me. Too outing to post too much but more than just birthdays. They are separated but still live together as house isn't sold yet. He cooks dinner every night for his "ex" and their (grown up but still lives at home) daughter. It's really not ok is it?

MumsyJ · 28/01/2019 00:50

@SleepingStandingUp I speak from experience thank you very much. I personally won't put up with it and it stays that way. An ex is an ex for reason!

SleepingStandingUp · 28/01/2019 02:02

MumsyJ you have every right to come out of any relationship for any reason you choose.
But it's still controlling to tell someone who thry can and cannot see if there's no suggestion of an affair

PBobs · 28/01/2019 04:32

I think you're being unfair on him. He's trying to maintain a positive relationship with her for the sake of the children. I have a lot of respect for him. I kind of see your point on the birthday - although I don't agree. Especially your argument on why they should be a unit. If they make joint parenting decisions then the four of them are a unit - I'm sorry. Maybe not nice to hear but that's the reality. He and her need to appear as a unit and behave as a unit so joint decisions can be mutually supported and respected.

I absolutely don't see your point on the "local Xmas" day. Do you celebrate that day? If not, then why do you resent him celebrating it with his ex wife and children who clearly do? That seems more a case of jealousy than reasonable offence at something. Unless there's something you've/I've missed.

Ozziewozzie · 28/01/2019 08:33

Years ago I dated a guy who would visit his ex wife on her birthday and cook her breakfast with their two kids. She had had an affair hence marriage break up.
She was still seeing the guy she had an affair with. But every time she had a problem, i.e. Windscreen wipers needed changing, she would get the guy I was seeing to do it.

I must admit, I did find this strange. It's all very well saying it's great it's amicable but whst about the other people? Their thoughts and feelings. Depending on the age of kids, it could actually be misleading...( mummy and daddy having special dinner together, they might get back together. For older kids, it could just feel awkward but they don't know how to say it.
I think it's great parents get on for the sake of the children and patent together but thats where it should stop in my opinion.
Maybe it's a stance to say 'look what a great job we are doing getting along so maturely for the children'

SleepingStandingUp · 28/01/2019 08:52

What is their local Xams Evening? Are you saying he spend Christmas night with her?

SleepingStandingUp · 28/01/2019 09:03

I do think it depends why thry split. I think when one of them has cheated so it's ended in bad feelings its weird but if you've just fallen out of love but still like each other ad people then why shouldn't you get on with someone just because you used to be married. I think it's a good exame to the kids that divorce doesn't have to be all screaming and passing messages through the kids

Chouxalacreme · 28/01/2019 09:12

Been there got the t shirt
I’m my situation it was hurtful but he refused to understand that as the mother of his children her needs trump mine . I got sick of her being prioritised over me and I finished it but it took me 9 years of toxicity which was a shame as I loved him . But I’m this situation I couldn’t win . I still believe to this day he had her on a pedestal . And he was guilty for leaving always trying to make it up to them . With hindsight I don’t think it teaches the children that you can have relationships and then move on and start again and that this is part of life and healthy . I felt a bit part in his life and it did my self esteem no good at all . I posted on here about it too and again got mixed messages .
It hurts to be second best .
Thankfully I met my husband and we are each other’s number one bit of we weren’t we would have to let go not give mixed messafwa

MumsyJ · 28/01/2019 09:16

@SleepingStandingUp just so we're clear here, I'm not a controlling person and will never be. I have every right to express how I feel towards things that don't sit well with me when it comes to communicating with my partner regarding my relationship.

You and me do not have to be on the same page regarding this thread but don't call the opposing view as controlling.
I bet you'd jump on the band wagon of "LTB" if there were any slip ups as a result of " spending time with an ex"!

SleepingStandingUp · 28/01/2019 09:22

I bet you'd jump on the band wagon of "LTB" if there were any slip ups as a result of " spending time with an ex"!
Well snogging / having sex with someone else isn't a slip up, it's cheating, regardless of past history and yes I like to think I'd have a zero tolerance approach. That doesn't change the fact that I have no right to tell DH who he can spend time with.
You either trust someone to not cheat or you dint trust them even though nothing has happened or you don't trust them be a use some thing has happened. In either of the latter two cases then you probsy shouldn't be with them. But my opinion is that telling someone they can't pick their own company is controlling. Telling someone if they spend time with ax then you are walking, assuming you'd follow it through, is not. My opinion. Your opinion is the only one tbat matters in your relationships.

Chouxalacreme · 28/01/2019 09:29

But an emotional investment is borderline cheating is it not ?

MumsyJ · 28/01/2019 09:44

"Well snogging / having sex with someone else isn't a slip up, it's cheating, regardless of past history and yes I like to think I'd have a zero tolerance approach."

Well, that's why I have a ZERO TOLERANCE approach to this! Then again, I wouldn't be with any man that still prioritise his ex over me in the first place. Been there, done that and never again. My view remains unchanged and I respect yours too as long as it works for you!

Renarde1975 · 28/01/2019 09:55

It's odd. Very odd behaviour.

Passing4Human · 28/01/2019 09:58

My DP used to do stuff like this with his ex and their daughter (occasional meals out on significant dates). I always suspected she still had unresolved feelings, although he said otherwise. As soon as she met someone new though surprise surprise she didn't want to do these things together any more. So in my mind it obviously wasn't really about doing these things "for the sake of the kids", not if it then got dropped because on someone new.

In general I don't think that children need to see their divorced parents having meals and things together that they used to do when they were married. They need to see them being respectful and kind (hopefully) to each other, but beyond that I think it gets confusing potentially. Sometimes kids are harbouring hopes that mum and dad will get back together eventually, even if the parents don't realise it.