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Relationships

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Original poster

Having dinner with ex wife on her birthday

88 replies

expo · 24/01/2019 08:43

I am divorced with two kids age 11 and 13. My new partner is also divorced with two kids age 14 and 16. He separated 4 years ago and divorced 3 years ago. He still spends his ex wife’s birthday dinner with her and his kids. He says it is for the kids. I go through a wave of being cool about it and then think why? Fully understand that he would spend his kids birthdays together with her - but why would he want to have dinner on her birthday? Or am I being mean and not thinking about his kids. From my side I wouldn’t want to spend my birthday dinner with my ex (and we have a fine relationship - it’s just not something I would choose) and I find it rather odd she wouldn’t want to spend her birthday dinner with a friend. She has not got a new partner and from what he tells me she didn’t want to split in the first place.

OP posts:

Ozziewozzie · 28/01/2019 10:16

@Passing4human
Exactly. Couldn't have put it better myself.
It's almost like a 'we have a special connection, friendship dance'
Inappropriate. It's for the benefit of the parents NOT the children.

SleepingStandingUp · 28/01/2019 10:28

My view remains unchanged and I respect yours too as long as it works for you!
Tbf I'm hoping to never have to test it 😂 😂

MrsJane · 28/01/2019 11:38

Christmas, kids birthdays, other family events involving the kids: all fine.

Ex wife's birthday? I find that weird... especially as the kids are not little anymore. And surely she has other family/friends to wants to celebrate with rather than her ex?! Very odd imo.

emilybrontescorsett · 28/01/2019 21:03

Tbh if divorced parents are that close then why separate in the first place?
Surely just stay together if you get on so well.
I'm all for being amicable but this oversteps the mark for me.

SleepingStandingUp · 29/01/2019 00:02

emilybrontescorsett surely there's a world of difference between 3 hours over dinner once a year and living and sleeping together every night. I don't wanna marry everyone I've ever gone to dinner with 😂

RagingWhoreBag · 29/01/2019 13:18

I totally get how you feel expo

My DP and his ex don’t seem to have any boundaries, he would think nothing of going for a meal with her for any occasion (mother’s day etc - she’d be more likely out partying on her bday!) and they spend Xmas day together. It has caused arguments but he doesn’t see the harm as he’s not shagging her over the dinner table, they’re just eating. However to me, it’s about them ‘presenting’ as a couple - while it’s important for the DCs to see them get on (they had a fiery relationship by the sound of it, so I guess it’s better than seeing them at each other’s throats) I do think it sends all the wrong messages to the DCs. Eg. If they’re so friendly, why aren’t they back together?

He did actually book a holiday with the DCs and his ex while we were ‘on a break’. He sheepishly told me when we got back together and I had to suck it up, as I hadn’t been on the scene when it was booked, but it was another crack in the foundations for me.

I don’t think he realises the damage that’s done by something so seemingly kind and nice. How are his kids supposed to be in favour of us as a couple, when my very presence prevents family holidays?

I don’t know the answer but you have my sympathies.

Peanutss · 29/01/2019 13:44

No. Just no.

Original poster

expo · 29/01/2019 14:03

@RagingWhoreBag I agree. It is the ‘presenting as a couple’ thing that chafes. They also still own a house abroad together which they never go to together and neither will I go to. Has become a bit of a ‘toxic house’.

OP posts:

emilybrontescorsett · 29/01/2019 18:59

I still think ,and obviously this is only my opinion, that if you are close enough to spend your ex wife 's/husband's birthday with them, then why get divorced in the first place.
Surely your marriage wasn't that bad if you want to do this especially when your dc are older and you are not single.

springydaff · 29/01/2019 23:56

I think he's being a total idiot.

Mind you, there could be a cultural element to this eg possibly a patriarchal obligation of some kind? But to me it looks like he's preventing her from moving on, which is cruel. Plus the kids are hardly getting a good view of this.

But that's my cultural perspective.

Endofether · 24/05/2021 01:54

My partner has just done this but for his bday...
I think it’s the end for me as we just today had huge chat about boundaries (ex still goes to all extended family events ) then literally a few hours later he’s round there having a bday dinner with her and their 17 yo
And gaslighted me utterly

londonscalling · 24/05/2021 03:02

He doesn't need to do this for his children. They are not little ones. That is a feeble excuse. If the four of them want to go out together on one of the children's birthdays then that's fine. They can show their kids then that it's possible to get along with an ex. The fact that your partner knows you are not entirely comfortable with the situation should be enough for him to stop. He's putting his ex before you in this instance!

Endofether · 24/05/2021 03:27

He says it’s for the kids’ sake

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