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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can we afford a family?

77 replies

NormalGal88 · 23/01/2019 16:44

I live with my partner of a few years and his daughter.

I am on a very low salary, but love what I do and dont want to have to change my job. My partner owns his own house, and has a well paid job. We have a very standard of living. I contribute very little financially to the house. I do contribute in other ways. I have no savings etc

I want us to have a family, however he is concerned about the financial pressures that it will place on us as he will have to support all of us, as I will have to cut my income to work part time. He accepts that money isnt everything, but his view is that things are always more difficult when money is tight and that once the bills are paid there would be very little left over and nothing for contingency.

My view is that if we love one another and want a family it shouldnt matter. Live for the day and all of that.

OP posts:

Racecardriver · 23/01/2019 16:45

Well it comes down to numbers. Sit down and do the maths.

Dirtybadger · 23/01/2019 16:47

Please get married first. You will be extremely vulnerable on a low paid part time job living in a house you have no rights to, should anything ever happen.

If he really wanted kids I think he would see past it. If he owns his own house, he is doing better than a lot of people. Are you sure he wants children at all?

gentlyscented · 23/01/2019 16:51

I have the same view as you really.
No one can afford kids, you could lose your job tomorrow and be on benefits. Nothings stable or forever! I think if you want children then have them. Don't wait until your old and regret not having a family because you worried about money.

Kids don't cost the world if you live within your means, it's when you go beyond it.

QforCucumber · 23/01/2019 16:53

as I will have to cut my income to work part time

Why will you have to?

Original poster

NormalGal88 · 23/01/2019 16:54

I feel like it is an unequal partnership, I dont contribute as much as he would like, and if we had a family he would have to support us fully, which is alot of pressure. I am proud of what he has achieved and see that he doesnt want to risk it all.

OP posts:

Boysandbuses · 23/01/2019 16:55

I am taking from this that he isn't entirely happy with being the person carrying most of the financial burden and that he won't be happy when there is less money and more people to support.

Its all well and good having a job you love, rather than one that pays the bills. But if the other person doesn't want to add more responsibilities, I think that's fair enough.

It's not about affording. It about being happy being the one person financially responsible for everyone else. Not every is happy doing that.

Original poster

NormalGal88 · 23/01/2019 16:56

@Q - If I work less hours, I will earn less money??? As I plan to be the main childcare provider.

OP posts:

QforCucumber · 23/01/2019 16:57

I mean why will you HAVE to work part time, if your partner is already feeling the pressure now I think you will only add to this by cutting your hours/income too.

Boysandbuses · 23/01/2019 16:58

You plan to be the main child care provider.

What about his plan or opinion?

Original poster

NormalGal88 · 23/01/2019 16:58

@Q - Working full time and having childcare is not financially possible.

OP posts:

QforCucumber · 23/01/2019 17:01

I am only basing on my own experience, when I fell pregnant I was earning 16k working full time, dp on 25k. With tax free childcare allowance our nursery fee is still less than my monthly income - therefore making it profitable to return full time. As it happens, in the 2 years I've been back at work I've been promoted and now earn approx 10k more than i did then - making it more than financially viable to have those 2 years of nursery fees.
We didn't think we could afford a child at the time either.

CoastalLife · 23/01/2019 17:01

Please get married first. You will be extremely vulnerable on a low paid part time job living in a house you have no rights to, should anything ever happen.

Please heed this advice.

Take a look around Mumsnet to see what can happen otherwise.

Boysandbuses · 23/01/2019 17:02

I am gonna say it.

If I was him and Dp wasn't earning much, contributing little financially, wanted a baby, planned on working and contributing less, putting more pressure on me, while refusing to change job because he loved his work despite it not paying much......ibwouldnt have a baby with him either.

Original poster

NormalGal88 · 23/01/2019 17:09

@Boysandbuses

Thanks for your honesty. I know I want kids, and scared of missing out, he already has one. However I currently literally only pay the difference in the council tax for living there. If I was to work part time, by the time I have paid my car, phone bill, credit card etc, there is literally nothing left to contribute so he will be paying for everything. Am I being selfish?

OP posts:

Boysandbuses · 23/01/2019 17:11

Well then you need to look at how uou can earner more money. Perhaps a different career or a different relationship, where your Dp would be happy with this.

You literally only pay the 25% that he now has in council tax? And want to put more financial burden on to him, even though he isn't happy now?

Yes I think you are being selfish. Not for wanting a baby, but for expecting him to carry the financial burden while you plan what you want to do.

Boysandbuses · 23/01/2019 17:14

Just to give some context. I am the high earner Dp earns less, than me.

I would be letting him stack more financial pressure on me, to have a baby if he contributed very little and then wouldn't be contributing at all so he could keep a job he loved.

Earning less doesn't bother me. Making plans on how I can carry more burden while he was happy go lucky, would bother me.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 23/01/2019 17:15

Live for the day and all of that.

You can't do that with no money.

He doesn't sound happy with your financial contribution and you need to work on that first. It's fine to be imagining working less and being the primary carer for your baby but he doesn't want that right now. You need to talk to him about what he does want.

I wouldn't be thrilled if DP wanted to live in my house, pay very little towards costs and stay home with our child, if I'm honest. I'd expect a conversation about it, and to work out numbers. It sounds like you both feel like things are tight and you're going to make that worse by adding a baby and increase the pressure on him all at once.

Do you have any plans to increase your earning potential? Does he see a future with you involving marriage etc?

Original poster

NormalGal88 · 23/01/2019 17:20

Money isnt tight for him, he is on a huge salary, he can pay all the bills on his own, having spending money and still have money left over. Maybe he is just scared of loosing a very good standard of living to support us.

OP posts:

HellsBellsAndBatteredBananas · 23/01/2019 17:21

Yes, you are being extremely selfish.

Get a better paid job and start to contribute as you are partners and therefor equal. No way on this earth would I work my fingers to the bone to allow a person to work for a pittance knowing full well that I was going to have to support them and a baby on just my wage.

You want a baby? Save up by getting a better job instead of relying on him doing the donkey work. He has already done his share and managed to get on the property ladder..... so what exactly do you even bring to the relationship?

Boysandbuses · 23/01/2019 17:23

Wow. Just wow. Doesn't matter if he can pay the bills on his own. He clearly isnt a partner if you don't share responsibility together.

Not saying you should earn or pay as much as him, but more than a bit of council tax.

gentlyscented · 23/01/2019 17:39

Jesus you are being a bit hard on the lass 🤦🏻‍♀️

Lots of men support a family it's not unheard of! And why belittle her? She works. Regardless of how many how's she does! Op it's something you both have to sit down and talk about. Find out if he wants another child or not, if he does then he will just have to manage on his own for a bit if childcare is out of the question.

Boysandbuses · 23/01/2019 17:44

It doesn't matter if lots of men do. If he isn't happy to do so, he isn't happy. That's not wrong. Just his feeling and opinion. He isn't obliged to do it because others would.

Nothing that she is making plans how she can be more of a financial burden, even though he isn't completely happy now and isn't on board with it.

If the genders were reversed, no would be recommending a high earning woman has a baby she doesn really want, pay for everything while her male Dp reduces hours looks after the child. Especially of that male Dp contributed very little now.

And people wouldn't be recommending marriage either

TheBigBangRocks · 23/01/2019 17:50

You are being very selfish. It's all about what you want.

If a man was paying the difference only on the council tax, he would be called all sorts. Much less him admitting he wanted his partner to fund a child and even more bills as he couldn't possibly work full time.

Money isn't everything but I'd be warning my children to be very careful given how very unequal it all is and reminded of what they would lose in a divorce.

gentlyscented · 23/01/2019 17:54

I'm a sahm. My dh works full time to support us. Am I a burden?

We chose to have a family, we both agreed that I would be home to care of the kids until they were in full time school. I don't contribute a thing because I don't work.
It's all about sacrifices to get the family you want before the decision is taken away from you. We're not rich but we get by and have a beautiful family.

user1493413286 · 23/01/2019 17:55

I would say that it’s easy for him to say that when he already has a child.
It’s also not forever that costs are as high as they are in the first few years with childcare. Wanting to have a child isn’t selfish and you as a couple can afford a child.

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