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Relationships

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Original poster

Can we afford a family?

77 replies

NormalGal88 · 23/01/2019 16:44

I live with my partner of a few years and his daughter.

I am on a very low salary, but love what I do and dont want to have to change my job. My partner owns his own house, and has a well paid job. We have a very standard of living. I contribute very little financially to the house. I do contribute in other ways. I have no savings etc

I want us to have a family, however he is concerned about the financial pressures that it will place on us as he will have to support all of us, as I will have to cut my income to work part time. He accepts that money isnt everything, but his view is that things are always more difficult when money is tight and that once the bills are paid there would be very little left over and nothing for contingency.

My view is that if we love one another and want a family it shouldnt matter. Live for the day and all of that.

OP posts:

Boysandbuses · 23/01/2019 17:58

I'm a sahm. My dh works full time to support us. Am I a burden?

No, because you both chose it. You planned it together. Op has made plans, worked out she will work part time......and he doesn't want this situation......Not planned it with her.

Original poster

NormalGal88 · 23/01/2019 18:00

He knew that I never had alot of money when he asked me to move in. He always knew that if we had a family I couldnt offer much

OP posts:

LovingLola · 23/01/2019 18:04

Well maybe he’s changed his mind now

Bluntness100 · 23/01/2019 18:11

This is illogical, you say you pay very little and he's on a huge salary with money left over. But then say money will be tight and you both won't be able to afford childcare.

It can't be both.

snoutandab0ut · 23/01/2019 18:13

Yes you are being incredibly entitled and selfish. You should be working to maximise your financial contribution if you want a baby but it sounds like you went into this situation expecting to sponge off him indefinitely. In his position I would absolutely not consider it - it would be a completely different story if I had a lower earning partner who’d made a concerted effort to pay their share and be financially independent before having kids, if I could see that they regarded financial obligations as equal i wouldn’t mind taking over paying while the child was young. But you don’t seem to have that attitude. Just because he earns a big salary doesn’t mean he’s obliged to want to fund an able bodied adult who could work towards earning more but chooses not to

schopenhauer · 23/01/2019 18:16

You say there would be little left for contingency in your op but later you say he is on a huge salary. Doesn’t really make sense.

Does he actually want a child? It doesn’t seem like it tbh.

Also you’re ignoring the fact that you should 100% get married first if you plan to go part time, but I’m not sure he is as committed as you are to being a ‘family’ and having your own children as well as his dd.

anniehm · 23/01/2019 18:17

I think a big discussion is needed as to where you are, if he's as comfortable as you say then you dropping to part time wouldn't matter - families share resources (we've had a joint account from before we were married). Plenty of couples earn different amounts, it's more about whether he wants another child imho - and if it matters to you it's something you need to establish now.

Musti · 23/01/2019 18:18

How did you afford to love before you moved in with him? Why don't you look at getting a higher paid job so that when you go part time you'd still be earning. Also if you work full time and are only scraping by paying your phone etc, that is a very very low paying job - is that even legal?

ltk · 23/01/2019 18:22

He does not want to support you in being a SAHM or going PT. So that scuppers your plan to have a family as you imagined.

So sit down and talk to him. Does he want more children? If so, how would he want your family to function?

Aside from his objections, if you want a child, you need to earn enough money to support the child yourself. Otherwise you are in a very vulnerable position if he leaves you or you decide to leave him.

Original poster

NormalGal88 · 23/01/2019 18:29

I lived with my step dad before I moved in. I am sole trader, my business does not make a huge amount of money, but I love what I do. He is on circa £50k, we have a massive house, in a really nice area. I have spent the last 5 years trying to build my business.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 23/01/2019 18:38

Ok fifty grand is not a "huge" salary, not when a family of three is trying to live off of it, but maybe if you have high outgoings then he is right, you can't afford child care and money will be tight and he will resent you for it.

Right now yoh seem to want it all your own way. You want tohave a baby and have him pay, you want to continue to do a job you love, and again have him pay for thr privalage of having you do it.

Have you no sense of self respect or personal responsibility? I really don't understand women like you. Just having men pay for you.

LovingLola · 23/01/2019 18:44

we have a massive house, in a really nice area. I have spent the last 5 years trying to build my business.

You mean HE has a massive house in a really nice area.

LovingLola · 23/01/2019 18:46

Also it appears you have never had to stand on your own two feet financially, if you went from living with your stepfather to living with your dp. No wonder you feel entitled to keep on your barely scraping by business.

Whothere · 23/01/2019 18:52

Does he actually want another child? Does he want another child with you?

He could afford to support a family on that wage (I earnt less than that and supported a non-working partner and 2 dc) but only if he wants to of course. I wonder if the money is the only/real reason. Also would you not want to return to full-time work at some stage even if you took a few years out?

Original poster

NormalGal88 · 23/01/2019 18:57

I take everything on board, and there is a part of me being able to financially support myself or contribute more. I know I have no right to expect someone to pay for me to live, so maybe I need to compromise.

However it does feel like that even if I earned more he might still be against it. If he really wanted to had a baby then surely none of it would matter and we would make it work

OP posts:

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 23/01/2019 18:59

Would you be willing to give up your business and go back to a workplace to have a child?

It sounds like he might already feel like he's supporting you and he doesn't want to either worsen or continue it.

Again it would be fine if he was happy with this, if you both were. I would support DP if he wants to give up work and look after our child when it's born. But it would be our decision together, and it sounds like you don't have that.

Whothere · 23/01/2019 19:00

You say if you earnt more he might still be against it. Can you have an honest chat about that?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 23/01/2019 19:03

However it does feel like that even if I earned more he might still be against it. If he really wanted to had a baby then surely none of it would matter and we would make it work

That's never a good idea. Of course it matters. You have to be able to pay for the baby and not resent each other, and he has another child to consider too.

You seem to be treating this a bit like a fairytale, that it will all work out in the end if you want it enough and he should fully support you. That's not really how it works. What would you do if you split? You're in a really vulnerable position and you'll make it a lot worse with a baby.

Bluntness100 · 23/01/2019 19:08

Then get a job op. Be a grown up, be able to support youtself financially and to help support your child. What you're doing is appalling. You make it work.

If this was a man they would be lampooned on here and I'm struggling to believe you're for real.

Lozzerbmc · 23/01/2019 19:08

I think if you want to have a family in future you’d be better off getting a full time job and do your business on the side. This way you are contributing, would benefit from maternity leave/benefits from your job and in future could go part time and pay childcare. Also ive seen on mumsnet and in real life the difficulties women face if they are SAHM and relationship ends or they are unhappy in relationship. They are trapped only able to get low paid jobs due to lack of relevant skills/experience. Nothing against SAHM its a wonderful thing and they shouldnt be penalised in that way, but thats how it is. women have more options if they are independent with their own job and money. We’d all love to do jobs we love and not worry about the pay but life’s not like that! Your DP is understandably worried as i agree 50k is not huge when it has to pay for everything.

Boysandbuses · 23/01/2019 19:10

It's ridiculous to say if he really wanted a baby then finances wouldn't matter. Of course they would.

Firstly he has a child to consider already. If he is feeling the financial strain already, having a baby increases that. If the finances aren't a worry. Maybe he would.

But you seem to be claiming everything of his as yours. WE earn enough and WE have a massive house. No HE earns enough and HE has a house. Non of this is yours. You haven't contributed to it.

Sitting back running you own business but with next to no income, isn't contributing.

Your job does not allow you to be financially independent. If you have a child then split with him, on 50k you would be unlikely to get spousal maintainence. Child maintaince, yes. Even if you married a short marriage may not result in you get some or any of the house.

You need to learn to be a grown up and be financially independent or at least have the ability to be.

There are loads of threads on here where the man runs his own business, it doesn't make money, the man won't get a job or do anything to make the financial situation better and everyone tells the op to LTB.

On top of this, this ok wants to stretch him more financially, when it's not something he wants.

Imagine an op posting that they pay for everything for a man who has never paid his own bills and refusing to go to into employed work to help with finances.....then wanted a baby.

Boysandbuses · 23/01/2019 19:13

If you want kids and you think he wouldn't under any circumstances, why are you with him?

This is dealbreaker territory. Are you really prepared to never have kids, so you can live in someone else but house?

Bumblebee39 · 23/01/2019 19:14

It's nice to think "money doesn't matter that much"
But it just does
Maybe he understands that better as he is already a parent? I'm not sure why, but he obviously understands that money is an important factor in planning a child

Love is wonderful. But it doesn't pay the rent. And homeless kids are not happy kids no matter how much you love them. I wish I had been better prepared for mine. I wish I had realised that able bodies become disabled bodies that a partner can become an abuser and just how quickly savings can disappear

TheBigBangRocks · 23/01/2019 19:29

It's not your house or salary, it's all his.

He's already having to support his child and now a girlfriend, I'm not surprised he says no to another child as it all falls on his shoulders whilst you do what you like and contribute next to nothing.

If you were serious you would realise you can't raise a child on a hobby business much less part time and find a job that supports you.

It sounds like you have always relied on another adult. What happens when they have enough of doing it?

Bumblebee39 · 23/01/2019 19:29

Money saving expert have a baby calculator to find out what you would need to save to even cover the cost of the arrival of a new baby
It may wake you up to the reality
Or it may show him it's not as bad as he feared

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