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Relationships

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Original poster

Can we afford a family?

77 replies

NormalGal88 · 23/01/2019 16:44

I live with my partner of a few years and his daughter.

I am on a very low salary, but love what I do and dont want to have to change my job. My partner owns his own house, and has a well paid job. We have a very standard of living. I contribute very little financially to the house. I do contribute in other ways. I have no savings etc

I want us to have a family, however he is concerned about the financial pressures that it will place on us as he will have to support all of us, as I will have to cut my income to work part time. He accepts that money isnt everything, but his view is that things are always more difficult when money is tight and that once the bills are paid there would be very little left over and nothing for contingency.

My view is that if we love one another and want a family it shouldnt matter. Live for the day and all of that.

OP posts:

lifebegins50 · 23/01/2019 19:33

50k is not a massive salary especially if he has cms to his child. I am not sure you have a realistic view of expenses for a child as he would be responsible for 2 children and you as an adult. Bare in mind if you separated he would have to pay you CMS as well as to the Ex.

Was he married before? I think he is being very sensible as finances are a major cause of stress for couples.

I think you need to focus on being independent as you are putting yourself in a vulnerable position.
What type of work do you do? Are you qualified?

crazyhead · 23/01/2019 19:33

My husband earns more than I ever will (finance sector) and I slightly bristle at the stuff about financial imbalance, as would he. Many of the most socially useful jobs are lower pay. However, the actual issue here is that at the moment this man am pears just to be a live in boyfriend - or you are a live in girlfriend. Nothing more seems to be on the table. Are you clear about what commitment he has to the relationship? Does he want marriage, let alone kids? He’s already had one split with a kid - what has that left him feeling about what terms he is committing on now? If you are in your 40s and this is your last chance at kids I have sympathy, but if not, take the time to find these things out.

Lifeisnotsimple · 23/01/2019 19:38

Christ it sounds like he resents you already, you say what do i have to offer. Your not his lodger or a bit on the side. your supposed to be his partner. I would tell him straight, you want kids if he doesnt move on find someone who does. He knew what you did for a living before you moved it , if he thought it was a financial problem then he shouldnt have let you . Do not put your baby making days behind you, trust me you will regret it. You need a frank discussion. If you were a real partnership/couple the money in the pot is for the benefit of the family despite who earns more. What does he foresee in the future, to just carry as is. Then ur too old to have kids, who is gonna resent who then. There is never enough money or a right time to have kids. Sounds as though he neither trusts you or see,s you as long term. Its your life, dont live it to regret it later.

Bluntness100 · 23/01/2019 19:42

I would tell him straight, you want kids if he doesnt move on find someone who does

Yeah, she can just ask her step father to start paying for her again.

That'll work.

hammeringinmyhead · 23/01/2019 19:45

I understand that it probably looks like people "make it work" but everyone I know who is comfortable with one or two children had savings or has free childcare from relatives (or both).

Saying that nobody can afford a baby is not true.

HavelockVetinari · 23/01/2019 19:46

How much do you take home per annum, OP? Even on a minimum wage job you should be able to contribute something. I know you love your business, but if it's not financially viable you really need to think about getting a proper job, or give up the idea of having a child. 50k is not a huge amount, and your DP needs to consider the child he already has before introducing another one with a partner who won't help out financially (and will presumably need supporting even more since you say you'll work less once you have a baby).

In an ideal world we'd all have our dream, flexible jobs. In reality almost everyone needs to work in something they don't 'love' because they need to provide for their family.

LovingLola · 23/01/2019 20:27

If you were a man living off a woman, in MN world you would be referred to as a cocklodger.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 23/01/2019 20:54

He already has a child
So 1. he may not want another and 2, more importantly he has to know that he can support her properly, without a massive compromise to her opportunities and life chances before he considers having another.
Bluntly, is your business viable? Could you do something else? Can you do anything to improve your situation before you have a child?

TacoLover · 23/01/2019 21:01

Live for the day and all of that.

You wouldn't be saying that if it was you having to support everyone.

And on MN, any husband trying to 'build his business' for many years and not actually bringing in anything instead of getting a well paid job and contributing to the household is told to fuck off.

putthehamsterbackinitscage · 23/01/2019 21:39

Actually I don't think this is about money...

I think you need to talk about your relationship and what both of you want for the long term... I think maybe he is using money as a reason not to but maybe there is more to his reluctance...

Are you equal partners in your relationship? You say you contribute in non financial ways - does that mean actually you are his childcare, cleaner, housekeeper? Or are you equal partners in housework etc ...?

You want a family - does he?

I think you need to talk through both of your hopes, dreams etc and be clear on whether you want the same things - and if that does include children then as per other posters, then it should include some kind of long term commitment such as marriage to protect you and any children from a future split ...

Bumblebee39 · 23/01/2019 21:48

Out of curiosity what would be the female version of a cocklodger?

Musti · 23/01/2019 22:04

To me you sound like a cocklodger expecting your partner to fund your hobby and I don't blame him for hesitating to the himself financially to you. If you were my partner and I had been finding your life for 5 years before kids even came along, I wouldn't have a child with you either.

You need to take responsibility for yourself and contribute to the household. If after 5 years you're only getting money from your business then that isn't a business but a hobby. Get a proper paying job and continue your business during your free time.

Musti · 23/01/2019 22:05

Tie and funding!

Skimmedmilk1 · 23/01/2019 22:11

Does your business make you at least the average uk salary which is about £26k? Or at least the equivalent of min wage? If not, is it really a viable business or a hobby? £50k is not a huge family income when you have kids.

HJWT · 23/01/2019 22:16

Oh gosh.... just because you 'love each other' doesn't mean you then go ahead and have a baby and just 'make it work'..... if you want a baby get a better job and be equal, putting all that pressure on him no wonder he doesn't want a baby...

explodingkitten · 23/01/2019 22:17

Well if you don't pay for anything you must have massive savings, can't you pay a childminder from that?

altiara · 23/01/2019 22:18

Live for the day and all of that.
Sorry OP, he is already a parent. He is not going to want to be financially irresponsible when he has a child to think about.

Does he really want to have another child? Or are you trying to persuade him? He’s already paying child maintenance for one child so it’s not unreasonable for him to have thoughts about what would happen if you split up after having a baby.
Because you can’t afford to live by yourself with it without a baby.
Could you look a finding a job and running your business in your spare time? Then once you’re eligible for mat leave, you get that income, can still work on your business and have options to return to work if the business still isn’t making you money.
I know it sounds like hard work but then you’re not putting all of the pressure on him.

MonsterKidz · 23/01/2019 22:19

To me, OP, you have to ask yourself (and him) are we a family combining our resources to build a life together. Or are we two individuals making our own way in life.

It sounds like your partner is the latter. It sounds like you want the first option.

In a family, we pull together to build the life we want. If that includes children, then yes one partner may need to do more childcare and earn less in order to build that family. Equally, both partners may want to work and pay childcare. What works is for you to decide.

In your situation though, it sounds like you want one thing and partner another.

You need serious conversations and to decide ultimately whether he wants the same things as you.

SpiritedLondon · 23/01/2019 22:30

I’m kind of in agreement with everyone here. When you have kids you don’t get to “ live for today” you have to do things for their benefit above your own desires. Sometimes the 2 things overlap and that’s great. My DH and I are both doing jobs that we don’t love but they are reasonably well paid and more importantly offer us flexibility for childcare. I would love to be part-time but we can’t afford it and it would have a devastating impact on my pension - do you even have a pension I wonder ? It’s boring dull stuff to think about when you want to have children but it’s the nuts and bolts of the relationship and if considered properly could effectively protect you from being left high and dry.

INeedNewShoes · 23/01/2019 22:36

Do you have savings OP?

A good start would be £2k to cover all baby-related purchases for the first 2 years.

Plus savings to cover whatever the difference is between a year's salary for you and a year's maternity pay.

Perhaps if you appear to understand the cost involved and be making provision for it that would be helpful.

I chose to have a baby even though my earnings aren't huge. I scrape by and buy most of DD's clothes second hand and am lucky to receive decent hand-me-downs from friends. However because I'm single, my decision to have a baby on my fairly low sole income isn't affecting any other adult.

Like you, I'm freelance, and there are very useful things about that. For the first few months I worked while DD napped. And even now she attends childcare, it's only a couple of days a week as I can fit in other work while she's asleep.

Ella1980 · 24/01/2019 01:20

For my fiance and I, the harsh reality is as much as we would love a chid together we simply cannot afford it. We both work full time but on pretty rubbish salaries. We are in rented accommodation as we can't get on the housing ladder. If I was younger we'd perhaps review it in a couple of years if our earnings increased but I'm 38 now so that's not really an option.

helacells · 24/01/2019 01:38

You need to get a better paying job, work until you qualify for maternity and have some savings then try for a baby. Reality is you will have to work full time to have a decent life, but then so do most people, it's not the end of the world.

Ella1980 · 24/01/2019 01:42

If you work ft after having a baby do you get help with childcare from government? Think I heard once something about this?

INeedNewShoes · 24/01/2019 07:11

I don't think the OP would be eligible for funded childcare because of her husband's income. If she was single, then yes, she would be eligible for income support if she worked more than 16 hours a week.

Boysandbuses · 24/01/2019 08:16

INeedNewShoes it's not that simple when you have your own business that's not viable.

My exh has his own business and earns very little from it. He claimed universal credit and it was a pain in the arse for him. They don't just accept you work 16 hours but earn very little. They may for a while to get your business off the ground. But not permentatly.

Exh had to attend courses on business management etc.

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