I don't know how to stop being controlling

[louise824]

I've been with my partner 8 years and we have lived together for 3 with a mortgage.

I am controlling. I check his phone, have his passwords to everything. I check his internet history. I don't like him spending 1:1 alone time with single female women but I am OK about some of his close relationships with married women. I have stopped him having any contact with his ex's. I don't like him smoking. I don't like him gambling. I don't like him staying out late with friends but always going to bed early with me. We have some debt so I have took control of all finances and stop him spending money on things he wants to like PT training sessions £10 a go when he already has a gym membership, or sky sports when we already have BT.

I want to somehow make this relationship work and not throw in the towel. I would like to spend the rest of my life with him and even if I ended things I know I will just be the exact same with the next person who comes along. Is there any way through this?

There must be a reason you feel like you need to be this controlling. Maybe low self-esteem?
I would advise therapy of some sort to get to the bottom of why you feel the need to act the way you do and work on it. He must love you to accept all of this as a lot of men wouldn't but you could push him to the point he walks. It won't be easy or happen overnight but it would be good for him to see that you acknowledge it's not right and are working on it.

You're an abuser and you need help. Emotional and financial abuse will soon be actual crimes. You could end up with a criminal record for what you're doing to him.

well, you've made a first step by identifying that this isn't right - I wouldn't want to be married to you.

I agree that some kind if talking therapy might help as there's got to be some underlying reason for this.

What was your childhood like OP?

Where do you draw the line between boundaries and control? I think that is what I struggle most with. For example I know other people wouldn't be OK with their partners having contact with ex's and other people wouldn't mind their partners being best friends with an ex? I do try not to be controlling and try and make it so things are boundaried. I've asked him to smoke only with friends and not around me. I've not stopped him gambling but asked him to have a set weekly limit. In relation to spending alone 1:1 time with single women - how do you protect from emotional affairs? With the finances - we have £20,000 debt. I am desperate to clear it as quickly as possible. It's not just him I stop spending money - I haven't bought any new clothes or shoes for example in over a year.

You need to temporarily separate from your partner and seek professional help. This is abuse and it's not acceptable

All of those questions, exes, 1:1s, access to money... it's called trust. If he can't be trusted or you won't trust him, you split.

The gambling is a worry though, if you've got debts it's a really irresponsible thing to do.

It just all sounds like you have no faith in his impulse control. Has he done anything beyond the gambling to make you feel that way?

You need to temporarily separate from your partner and seek professional help. This is abuse and it's not acceptable

Exactly this

Separating right now is not something either of us want.

MN (in general, but probably not the people on this actual thread) is very guilty of confusing mixed messages on a lot of these issues. There are many threads in which posters are advised to check their partner's phones or internet, in particular. There isn't anything OP has listed that I haven't seen in some chorus of "I wouldn't let him" or "you should..." elsewhere many times. Norms frequently bandied about on here and in the media are very confusing.

But as another poster here has said, some of this is now regarded as criminal, and standards for what is abusive have tightened in recent years. Second any suggestions to go for therapy if you can.

Some of this seems to be that you desperately want to hang on to this relationship despite him having crossed red lines. (For instance, have seen quite a few posts over the years in which gambling is always a no for some.) What are your reasons for that? Emotional and/or practical? These days it is considered the right thing to do rather than put up with them or be controlling. But if people are in difficult financial circumstances, e.g. you only have a low-paid part time job at the moment, then that is not as quick a process as it is for some.

Checking other people's phones and email isn't something I've ever done or knowingly been on the receiving end of, and which I consider unacceptable in any relationship situation (unlike some MN posters, so I don't know what circumstances people do or don't consider okay for that). It has always seemed to me like the sort of thing that if you feel the need to do it, you should end it. But then I've never been in some of the situations others have been in with small children, low incomes and dependence on a man.
I get the impression from your post that this checking is almost compulsive, like when you are finding a website addictive and keep going back to it even though you don't entirely want to. There might be two elements there to tackle - the actual spying plus the compulsion where the action is kind of automatic.

• to leave rather than put up with them

Does he find the spending situation controlling?

There are men who say they like having a partner "keep them in line" and like the option of being able to say "the wife won't let me" as a way of getting out of stuff, although it doesn't look great to some outsiders. That is also potentially a therapy kind of issue, of him being lazy about assertiveness with others, or having patterns he got from his family.

You will push him away if this continues. I’ve been in an abusive and controlling relationship and I wasn’t “allowed” to talk to single men as id get called names like slag and would be accused of cheating and a whole load of earache. I somewhat rebelled after a few years as it grinded me down so badly and I felt worthless and like I didn’t know who I was. I cheated on him (wrong I know and don t want to worry you) but I just couldn’t take it anymore, I started smoking and drinking and going out all the time and turned around one day and told him to do one. He would t stop calling or texts me abusive messages so I changed my number and that was it I felt free. It’s not healthy to control somebody, boundaries are ok especiallly with the gambling but don’t control him don’t tell him who he can and can’t talk to. If he’s worth it he won’t cheat on you

As another poster has said, it's trust. You can't prevent an emotional affair and you can't tell someone how to spend their money, you have to trust that they are responsible and respect you and have enough self pride to walk away if you feel you have been mistreated.

I'm assuming he's unhappy with this awful situation?

The checking the phone/internet began when his computer broke and I shared mine with him. He didn't clear the history and I typed "f" into the searchbar intending to type "facebook" and it automatically came up with dozens of facebook links where he had been searching for an ex. I never said anything but it kept happening. I guess this generated some anxiety over time and in the end I confronted him about why he felt the need and he blocked her. The other issue is I guess I don't trust him to put boundaries in place with other women. Whilst I don't think he would cheat, I think he could be guilty of leading women on to believe something could happen, and not making things clear with them. Emotional affairs can creep up on you and I may have just discovered the beginnings of one where he kept a work colleague entirely secret from me who he was going for food with regularly. He says he kept it secret because of my insecurities so here I am trying to figure out how to sort my mess out and prevent this happening again.

With the finances we have actually come to an agreement about that where each month we have our own money and we can spend it on whatever we want. But I said once he has spent his money that's it because he needs to budget and I can't bail him out with a credit card. It's not my issue what he spends his money on I am just so stressed by the enormous debt.

The checking the phone/internet is compulsive and I need to stop. This is all driven by anxiety. Every single behaviour. I think I need to find a way to just cope with the anxiety no matter what he does and not stop him doing anything.

We have both said we want to stay together so I have to find a way of not stopping him do whatever he wants and coping with the subsequent anxiety.

You’re an abuser and he needs to leave you.

How does your partner feel about your controlling ways? Personally I wouldn’t put up with it & would be packing my bags but he has known you for 8 years so must know what you are like.

@WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue thank you so much for your support.

You're not going to split right now but you may eventually and he would be within his rights to go to the police unless you change your ways quite radically. I mean, you've written it all down here in a confession for us to read. You're leaving yourself open to something very bad happening to you. You'd possibly lose your job if you work with vulnerable groups, you'd have a criminal record and any future partners doing a check of you would be told about your history. Now, however, is your opportunity for that dark future not to happen. Now is the opportunity for you to better yourself, work on your anxiety and behaviours. You will be lighter and happier without it all.

As for me, if my partner cheats, they get found out eventually and disappear from my life for good. I don't let that possibility ruin the time I have with somebody.

Are you obsessional or compulsive in other ways too by any chance or just in your relationship?

I think you need to go to therepy and really talk through and understand why you do this. ultimately you don't trust him and that needs to be rebuilt. it is very possible to resolve this if you are both committed (especially you) and whilst I wasn't quite at the level you describe i have had both individual and couples counselling and it's no longer an issue in my life.

Yes I am @TinyMarie especially around my health.

Thank you @peeblet that is so good to read I really appreciate it, has given me hope.

I have OCD and health anxiety (both are very closely linked) and think you would benefit from some CBT.
I think you need some help with viewing things differently and breaking your obsessional cycles. I think working on yourself is the best way forward and it will then in turn filter into your relationship.

This is not a healthy relationship at all...

Hes not a trustworthy or responsible person is he? If he was you wouldn't be trying or having to try and micromanage everything.

Do you have a history of controlling behaviour in relationships?

Hes an adult isn't he, he knows what's right and wrong but yet refuses to regulate his own behaviour.....Alarm bells.

Either let go of the reigns and let him behave like a clueless liability, or end the relationship....I know which one I would be choosing.

Either away whats happening now is not healthy for either of you.

I think you know what you have to do....

I don’t think I’d trust him either, frankly.