I don't know how to stop being controlling

[louise824]

I've been with my partner 8 years and we have lived together for 3 with a mortgage.

I am controlling. I check his phone, have his passwords to everything. I check his internet history. I don't like him spending 1:1 alone time with single female women but I am OK about some of his close relationships with married women. I have stopped him having any contact with his ex's. I don't like him smoking. I don't like him gambling. I don't like him staying out late with friends but always going to bed early with me. We have some debt so I have took control of all finances and stop him spending money on things he wants to like PT training sessions £10 a go when he already has a gym membership, or sky sports when we already have BT.

I want to somehow make this relationship work and not throw in the towel. I would like to spend the rest of my life with him and even if I ended things I know I will just be the exact same with the next person who comes along. Is there any way through this?

I think that you don't trust him for valid reasons (Facebook stalking his ex, gambling when you're in debt) and that you are controlling him because you don't trust him

So leave him. Get some counselling for your controlling behaviour and trust issues. Spend some time on your own. Work out what your "Red lines" are in a relationship. Build a life of your own. Plus date a few people eventually, don't just go with the first person who seems ok, make sure you really get to know them first.

Ultimately if the trust is gone it's gone. Do you think it's just him you don't trust or everybody?

@WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue It seems she's a sarcastic abuser too.

The problem is op you're essentially trying to manage someone else's boundaries...

Be honest with yourself - he is an irresponsible and untrustworthy person, and instead of accepting your incompatibility and ending the relationship you're running around frantically trying to keep the plates spinning.

Clearly he's not the man for you. The sooner you can admit that to yourself
and end it instead of regulating his fuck ups the better.

I have been pretty unreasonable/paranoid in relationships in the past and I have BPD. Not saying you have MH issues necessarily, OP, but therapy/counselling might help your anxiety and self esteem? Therapy helped me A LOT.

Also, like a PP asked, I'm curious to know what your childhood was like?

Shoot me - I can totally relate to you!!! My OH isn’t the most trustworthy of people by a long stretch but sometimes I worry that it’s my behaviour that makes him lie and act secretive.
In reality I know he’s always been that way and together we’ve got worse - I’ve become more paranoid and controlling and he’s become more afraid of conflict.

I can relate to some of your behaviours and I empathise. Im also aware that I need to make some changes but I agree with what others have said that maybe those changes should be for you and if he isn’t going to support you by being honest and reliable then maybe you’re just not matched? I’m probably talking about my own relationship there too 🙈

Very often people who fear what their partner will do and who then exert control to try to prevent them from doing it - will unconsciously choose partners who are inherently dishonest in some way.

It sounds like you really don't have a sense of yourself, of what you want, or of your boundaries - so you end up imposing boundaries that are punitive and all over the place.

When we don't know who we are, the world can be unpredictable and scary, and we will seek out ways to feel safe - even if by proxy.

You do need help. Hopefully you'll be able to let go with a therapist enough that they are able to assist you.

sometimes I worry that it’s my behaviour that makes him lie and act secretive

Yup, been there... when somebody starts screaming, crying and threatening over the smallest things, you start to lie and hide to avoid the shouting and recriminations. Realistically, I should have just left years earlier rather than putting up with histrionics because I had to go to a work meeting.

Going through his phone is like opening letters as far as I’m concerned. Ok if you have permission and a particular reason but not ok routinely. I have no idea what my DHs password is for his phone although he has told me previously no doubt. I just don’t have the motivation to remember it. I’d like to know what would happen if you found that he’d changed his password and you couldn’t access it?

Interactions with other women can be variable I guess - I have conversations with men all the time as I work in a very male dominated industry... am I supposed to report back on each coffee or lunch I have with one for fear of being accused of secrecy?

I appreciate you are in a different situation and he has given you reason to doubt him but you cannot keep this ship sailing on your willpower alone. If he wants to cheat - he will. If he wants to gamble all the money it’s only a matter of time before he does it. You cannot be the controller of all things. Ultimately you need to find a way to let go and allow things to play out as they will.

You're abusive, and some of the responses here appall me. People saying that he "must" have done something to make you want to control him? Do you say that about women who are being controlled and abused? I would assume not. This is no different.

@RedDwarves

She has also stated that he has been behaving dishonestly.
I don't think anyone is saying the controlling behaviour is ok?

What a miserable existence.

I think he needs to run for the hills!

See the thing I notice is that I wouldn’t tolerate those behaviours in a relationship either. Gambling, smoking, excessive debt, 121 time with ex’s and other women. All a no from me.

However I am not controlling as I chose a partner with similar values. So no need to control them. As he doesn’t do them and I can trust his judgement. I am not sure how I would behave if I was in a relationship with someone who was putting our livelihoods at risk. I like to think I would set a boundary and stick to it. But who knows.

@Closetbeanmuncher has explained this perfectly I think, Op. Deep down you do not trust this man and find him completely unreliable. He has given you evidence to feel this way. Rather than micro-manage this relationship into oblivion, do yourself a favour and end it.

Op this isn't normal behaviour. If he's going to cheat he will find a way. If he wants to do any of the stuff you are obstructing he will find a way.

You want to be able to say to a partner 'don't cheat on me because you don't want to cheat on me. Not because I have blocked every option'

don't cheat on me because you don't want to cheat on me. Not because I have blocked every option

Basically the point of A Clockwork Orange. When somebody is forced into behaviour through control, it's not the same as them having the conscience not to do the thing of their own free will.

@showmeshoyu grim analogy but yes!

I hope he wises up and leaves you.
My friend was with a woman like you for years he finally left her two years ago and is now with a lovely woman who makes him happy tane him so long to get the courage to have another relationship.
Even if you have trust issues with him there's no excuse for what your doing to him.

I don't think you are abusing him. People are v quick to play the abuse card on MN. You seem to have some valid concerns regarding his fidelity and he has lied to you about relationships with female colleagues which is feeding some insecurities you have. You definitely also have valid concerns about money from the sounds of it. My DH is reasonably rubbish with money so I manage it and set budgets (with his agreement) which is all it sounds as if you have done. Have you got his genuine agreement to this? If so then that is not abuse it's a valid decision between you help you get out of debt. If you are restricting his access to money without his consent then that is a different matter of course.

If we were £20k in debt I wouldn't be happy with DH spending money on smoking, gambling and PT sessions either. And would be asking him to stop doing them. Those are luxuries you cannot afford. As long as you are also not spending money on luxuries and cutting back I can't see how that is abuse.

Having said all of that you don't trust him. I think you are unsure whether it's you or the relationship that is the problem and I understand that as I have felt like that before. If I were you I would try some therapy so you work through your issues and work out where healthy boundaries in relationships are and whether it's the relationship or you that is causing the problem.

I think if you are perceptive enough to know where your issues lie, then there is no reason why you wouldn't be able to learn new behavioural patterns through CTB. I think a good therapist would help you work on these issues and hopefully in time you would be able to have a more balanced meaningful relationship with your partner.

Ignore all the unhelpful comments. You show you are willing to grow and change as a person and that takes a lot of courage.

I know this mist be hard to hear but what you are doing is a very serious crime that could land you years doing time in prison. Is it worth it? By controlling him you are most likely pushing him away. The police are very strict on prosecuting for controlling and coercive behaviour since it is a fairly new law. Maybe look into it and you might realise just how bad it can affect someone (your DP).

If we were £20k in debt I wouldn't be happy with DH spending money on smoking, gambling and PT sessions either. And would be asking him to stop doing them. Those are luxuries you cannot afford. As long as you are also not spending money on luxuries and cutting back I can't see how that is abuse.

I agree about this though

I'm curious if the dp is the cause of the debt too

Hi OP, I was exactly the same. I was badly cheated on/abused by an ex and it fuelled this mistrust in my current DP. I would check his phone mostly and 99% of the time I'd find nothing. Then if I found one thing which was just a bit odd, it all felt justified. Anyway, I would hate him going out etc and I hated myself for it also because I wanted to go out and enjoy my life outside of him.

I went to therapy and discussed it. She was so real with me and we eventually got to the root of it. I now don't check his phone, I don't stop him doing things and I'm miles away from the person I was even a year ago.

In the end I realise - if he's going to cheat he will. No matter what I do. It's so easy to cheat. So instead I set boundaries, for me these were:

'I find the following to be a no-go:

• talking to an ex (none of his exes were friends first and ended badly so there'd be no reason to talk)
• searching to stalk an ex (why would you?)
• not telling me if he spends alone time with another female - why wouldn't you tell me about your day, I don't mind if you spend time with her, but when I ask 'what did you get up to?' and you lie that means you're hiding something. (this does NOT include a casual discussion with a colleague, eating lunch with a colleague etc as this is just normal behaviour of a human - 50% of the population is female)
• flirting with another female
• kissing/sex obviously
• discussing anything sexual with another female'

So my boyfriend doesn't do these things and the same applies to me. Some of his friends are attractive women, so what? He doesn't overstep the boundaries thus I build trust. No issues.

Also though, he doesn't hide his phone. I won't look at it but I know all his passwords to everything, I'd just never use them. He also knows mine and I expect the same.

I don’t think your response to his behaviour is unhealthy. It is not in common but it is not understandable. Most people would not respond in the way you have. Quite simply they don’t want to control someone else and they know it isn’t possible.

You are just going to make yourself unhappy and more insecure. Because he will contact his friends, ex’s or not, he will have bet and he will smoke a cigarette. TBH, none of this is that bad even if you have £20k worth of debt. As long as you pay the right monthly amount and you should allow him to do this all by himself. If he doesn’t and he can’t you shouldn’t be together or should separate your finances. He can borrow without your consent so this is another pointless activity.

Checking his phone and online use is really wrong and it is abusive. You have no right or justification to do it. All your justifications support a decision to leave him not to act the way you are doing.

having read your updates, whilst I agree that you have obsessive behaviours and obvious anxiety, equally your DP sounds highly untrustworthy, both financially and emotionally.

So I would separate these things out. You need to deal with your behaviours and anxiety and get some help for that, because otherwise that's going to follow you around for ever.

But - given that this is who you are, your DP sounds like the last man you should be with - his behaviours are not good for you in particular - but they wouldn't be good for anyone.

(You are going to get a lot of people who only read your first post and then post themselves, because their lazy and self-important - try to ignore them and focus.)