I don't know how to stop being controlling

[louise824]

I've been with my partner 8 years and we have lived together for 3 with a mortgage.

I am controlling. I check his phone, have his passwords to everything. I check his internet history. I don't like him spending 1:1 alone time with single female women but I am OK about some of his close relationships with married women. I have stopped him having any contact with his ex's. I don't like him smoking. I don't like him gambling. I don't like him staying out late with friends but always going to bed early with me. We have some debt so I have took control of all finances and stop him spending money on things he wants to like PT training sessions £10 a go when he already has a gym membership, or sky sports when we already have BT.

I want to somehow make this relationship work and not throw in the towel. I would like to spend the rest of my life with him and even if I ended things I know I will just be the exact same with the next person who comes along. Is there any way through this?

Yeah as others have said, there are multiple issues at play here. You don't trust him, he is untrustworthy. You may not trust men/people in general so have actually picked someone like him so that you can try and control them and make it right'. Also curious what your childhood was like.

A long term course of individual therapy would be your best option. If you are trying to clear debt I know the cost of that would be offputting, but some therapists allow you to have a reduced rate if you ask, mine did.
I was in this situation and came to the conclusion that I had reason not to trust my then partner, and also that I was being controlling as a way to manage the situation. I got therapy, left them, carried on with therapy and am now happier and more sane.

I am concerned people threatening the OP with the police is going to prevent her from seeking help.

I think that you don't trust him for valid reasons (Facebook stalking his ex, gambling when you're in debt) and that you are controlling him because you don't trust him

This. And I totally agree with RiverTam.

He's shown you he's untrustworthy, you're micromanaging him, which ramps up your anxiety and insecurity, and it's all a big vicious circle. Doesn't sound healthy for either of you.

So he deserves it basically according to the PP in here.

This forums double standards is sick. If a woman had posted that her husband checked her phone, had all her passwords, controlled the finances, didn’t let her go out with friends etc you’d all rightly be screaming abuse and to leave.
Just because OP has a pair of tits doesn’t make her any less vile than than all those men who abuse their partners.
Hopefully OP’s partner will leave and find someone who treats him like a human being, not a belonging.

No, he doesn't. I'm certainly not saying that.

@NotUmbongoUnchained completely agree with you, so women can abuse their partners but men get locked up for it? it is wrong end of!

Imagine saying this to a woman that posted about being controlled by her husband :

You're not a trustworthy or responsible person are you? If you were he wouldn't be trying or having to try and micromanage everything.

OP doesn’t trust him and is punishing him. That’s HER issue not his. You either accept that you trust them, or you leave. You don’t torture someone for it.

@NotUmbongoUnchained the checking the phone is unacceptable. However the OP needs to reduce £20k debt. He still has a gym pass, BT sports and gambles every week. She just wants him to budget and not spend more on additional luxuries. She has had to cut back too. Do you suggest they just keep spend spend spend into further debt?
She hasn’t stopped him “going out with friends”. She doesn’t like 1:1 time with single women, and many wouldn’t. Nowhere does she say she has an issue with him spending time with friends in general. She said she has no issue with him spending time with married women. Let’s just stick to the facts as we know them.

I don’t know any women so insecure that they micromanage who their partners spend time with. Thankgod. If it’s normal to you that your partners can’t spend time with some one of the opposite sex then that’s really sad.

don't like him staying out late with friends but always going to bed early with me.

That’s stopping him spending time with friends.

So he is a gambler, and the kind of guy that searches his ex on fb. The gambing thing is crossing a line for many people I think, the ex searching I think 90% of people have done (and it's because of idle curiosity and nothing else.) The point is, he is this person and you don't like it. He is not searching online for his exes because he'll get into trouble with you, not because he doesn't want to. You will always, always live with the fear that in his heart, he is another person, one you don't like, just that he's so obedient and trodden down by you that he isn't allowed to be himself.
This is turning you into someone you don't like. And it is abusive. You know it is.
I know you don't want to let go of the relationship, but you're carrying a huge burden of responsibility, a load of anxiety and self-hatred around because of the way you are with him. End it- if only for a few months and then see how you are- and get counselling. This is your only hope of becoming a better person, to yourself and to others.

@NotUmbongoUnchained the OP says she doesn’t like him staying out late with friends. She knows that feeling like this isn’t normal, that’s why she has come here for support. There is nothing to suggest she has told him her feelings regarding this and actively stopped him spending time with friends.

Of course it is. If I said to my husband, “I’m going out tonight, will probs be back around 12ish” and he turns around and said “no, I’m going to bed at 8 and I want you home then.”

That’s him stopping me spending time with my friends because he wants to control where I am, who I’m with and what I’m up to.

Where on Earth has the OP said that she has told her partner that? You are putting words in her mouth. She says she doesn’t like it but we have no idea whether her partner is aware of this.

I feel for you OP but we’ll done you, you’ve recognised that this is not right / and is abusive and that is a massive power to you. Not sure what advice to give, I think professional help would definitely be the way to go here. Good luck to you!

She literally put in her op that she always like him to go to bed early with her....

We know that’s what she likes/wants - we don’t know whether she has told him that. What about that don’t you understand? People can have thoughts and not always vocalise them... you also are assuming not only that she has told him how she feels but that she has then acted on those feelings and stopped him spending time out late.

1. She may not have told him how she feels and he may be spending time out late with friends totally oblivious to how she feels
2. She may have told him how she feels but not asked him to stop spending time out late with friends.

You have made two assumptions and I have no idea why or what your agenda is.

Get a grip Katy.

I think it's not unreasonable to not wanting him spending time with ex girlfriends, same as gambling and spending loads of money irresponsibly.

What is not okay is you telling him he's not allowed to smoke, when to go to bed etc. You chose to enter a relationship with a smoker - you can't then try and change who he is.

Going through his phone and internet history constantly is horrible. I had an ex who used to go through my history and confront me about it if there was something he didn't like. It was a gross invasion of privacy and made me secretly hate him for it.

Your behaviour is unacceptable- if this was a man I'd think the same. You need help.

Fundamentally your controlling behaviour has nothing to do with whether he gives you ”valid" reasons not to trust him because you've already said that you would behave in exactly the same way in any future relationship. It clearly makes no difference to you how a partner behaves, your controlling, abusive behaviour will continue.

I don't think couples therapy is a good idea when the relationship is abusive.

TO be fair to to the OP I’m not sure yhat some of these comments are helpful. I think she has shown a lot of self awareness, she clearly wants to change. How many abusers even have that self awareness? People saying she is going to risk jail etc, seems like scaremongering and I’ve never seen anything like it! The dynamic in their relationship is not great, if they’ve been together for 8 years I feel like that dynamic has become normal or works for them in some way but it’s not to say that her dp isn’t feeling really unhappy and maybe wants to leave given the extent of her control over him. I think maybe OP should sit down with him, acknowledge she knows she has a problem and that she is very sorry for it. Listen to what he has to say and explain that you want to change but you understand if he doesn’t want to be with you anymore. Take steps to eg. have counselling or do CBT regardless of how that conversation goes. At the very least a break might be good for you two in order to stop the toxic dynamic. Can either of you move out?