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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Does this sound right or is it me?

88 replies

babayjane67 · 22/01/2019 15:20

Been with dp 11 yrs.we have one DD.
We were chatting about jobs&work as DD gets older.shes 10.
Hes got a good full time job&I work part time.
He said when DD is at secondary school u will be able to look for another job with more hrs then I can drop the amount of hrs I'm doing!
I said well that doesn't sound right! I don't want to go bk to working 9 to 5 5/6 days a week again.i said I don't mind doing 3/4 days a week with more hrs.he huffed&puffed a bit.said it'll be good if he can drop his hrs&I do more!
Why should I have to work more hrs just so he can do less?? Doesn't make sense to me.i bet I'd still have to do all the housework too! He says he'd help more if I was doing more hrs but then he said he'd walk the dog more if we'd got a puppy instead of the lovely rescue dog we've got! He never takes her out or comes out with us on a walk!
He will wash&sometimes wipe up&do some washing in his days off but if I ask him to do it or help wash up while I wipe on a working day he acts like I've asked him to cut his right arm off&doesn't do it!!
He won't even make his own sandwiches for work the next day!!
Sorry I'm waffling now!there's a few things going on&have been for a while on&off that I find difficult to address with him.
Do u think it sounds strange him asking me to do more hrs&him dropping his?

OP posts:

30birthdayholiday · 22/01/2019 15:22

What was his reasons for wanting this? Does he have a hobby he wants to do, or work from home? Just trying to get an idea of his logic!

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 22/01/2019 15:24

Present him with a hypothetical rota for running the home 50/50 while working 50/50. Bet he back tracks.
Fit in it dd's activities /social events - bet he would love sat at kids parties!!

Littleraindrop15 · 22/01/2019 15:24

Well it's not really that fair is it? If he wasn't working full time you wouldn't be able to work part time.. That's nice that he does it but its a lot of strain knowing they can't afford to loose their job etc

I don't think he is being unreasonable perhaps for a year or so let him have a break.

Adora10 · 22/01/2019 15:25

You do a lot more than him already he probably just thinks he call tell you and you will do it, stand your ground, that is ridiculous he can't walk his own dog and make a sandwich.

pippistrelle · 22/01/2019 15:26

I think it would be good if you both have equal amounts of time for working, family and leisure. Is that what he's trying to get to? If so, surely that's laudable?

alltheusernames · 22/01/2019 15:27

Presumably you've worked part time for 11 years, why can't he now? Obviously ensure he knows what would need doing around the house but I don't think you've got the right to demand being part time when your child is 11, just because you don't feel like working 5 days a week. Maybe he's just playing devils advocate with you, perhaps he's not happy that you're still part time and thinks you should consider upping your hours?

letsdolunch321 · 22/01/2019 15:27

If he has a justified reaSon for him to work less and you to do more hours - fair enough. If he wants to cut down and do sod all to help around the house etc I wouldn’t be going with his plan at all.

BirdieInTheHand · 22/01/2019 15:32

Sounds reasonable to me - why shouldn't he work less if he wants to and why should he require a particular reason.

You've both been working pretty much FT: him FTE, you PT plus childcare. As there is less childcare it seems reasonable that you flex to accommodate that lack of pressure.

ralphfromlordoftheflies · 22/01/2019 15:34

Of course it's reasonable for him to expect you to work more hours when child care will allow.

The sharing out of house Work is a separate issue, in my view.

RiverTam · 22/01/2019 15:35

as such it's a perfectly reasonable request - he's does years of working full time while you've been part time so why not swap?

But - if you do lots of 'house' stuff then he needs to know that he has to pick that up - or pay for a cleaner from his (lower) salary.

We are in a similar position as I've recently gone back to work full time - but DH is a gazillion times better at house things than me so I would have no qualms about that.

But there's no reason why the man has to always been full-time and the women part-time.

Boysandbuses · 22/01/2019 15:40

It make sense that you do more (But not all at home).

I think yabu to be so appalled that he wants to reduce hours.

Your dd will be 11. No reason you could work full time. Or both do part time.

Or are you expecting to never work full time again and him carry all the financial burden permenantly?

Original poster

babayjane67 · 22/01/2019 15:42

He has no reason just that he wants to work less! No hobbies etc.
If I don't make his sandwiches for work he goes without!
He doesn't do anything with the dog other than feed her now&again&throw her toy in the garden.i have to walk her poop scoops after her etc.
He has no leisure things going on.he just wants to do less hrs!
He's a lorry driver working from the early hrs.its a recent job about a year.was in a warehouse before that 7 til half 3 in the day.he still had the same attitude about helping in the house.
He does pk DD up from school most days&takes her to Brownies once a week.he drives I don't.sonim usually getting early tea on ready&doing their lunches for the next day while he's doing that.

OP posts:

RiverTam · 22/01/2019 15:45

but why does he need to have a reason? He would like to do as you are doing and work part time and you do as he is doing and work full time. That itself is not unreasonable.

EngagedAgain · 22/01/2019 15:55

Don't know how old he is but still fairly young as such? Seems to me he would if he could, not work at all but doubt that's possible for your income. Also he's got the (idea) in his head you have not done much so why should he, hence he's come up with this 'new plan'. As he has had little input into chores before I think he'll continue wriggling out of it - IF you let him get away with it.

ralphfromlordoftheflies · 22/01/2019 15:59

It is such a strange way to phrase it: 'does this sound right?' It's as if you want to verify whether there is some sort of policy in place which precludes you from working more hours.

Original poster

babayjane67 · 22/01/2019 16:05

Engaged he is 54 I'm 52.
I work in our DDS school so I have same holidays as she does.we couldn't ever&still cant afford childcare prices.
We've just had a disagreement now cuz im putting tea on& I asked if he wants sandwiches for tomorrow & he said yes.i said ok will do them in ainute it u could always do them yrself.no answer so I said bit sarcastically I admit no why would I wanna do that?so he said oh don't bother then I don't care.i said well why won't u do them?he said cuz I can't be bothered so I said no either can I!so he said fine don't then! It's like arguing with a child!!
He's the same if I try&talk to him about anything wrong in our relationship.he either blanks it or goes straight in the defensive & turns it bk on me!

OP posts:

TheLostTargaryen · 22/01/2019 16:06

I think it's fair.

.....As long as you stop making his sandwiches completely and split the household chores 50:50.
The problem with this however is that if, for example, the vacuuming is usually done every single day, and on his days it doesn't get done but is done by you the following day then nothing changes and you still have a clean carpet.

If he has gone so long without having to do chores you can bet he won't suddenly decide to get up and start doing them in his reduced hours. Those hours will be intended for him taking it easy

It may be something you might have to give a shot at first before you can say it isn't doable.

ralphfromlordoftheflies · 22/01/2019 16:07

Just don't make his lunch then?

Original poster

babayjane67 · 22/01/2019 16:10

Yes the lost that's what I'm thinking that it'll be more of a case of him just sitting around taking it easy&waiting for me to come home blow up at him about&/or just get on&do it myself!!

OP posts:

Original poster

babayjane67 · 22/01/2019 16:13

Ralph I havent! tonight he can go without!
I've also been looking after my elderly mum too for the last 2/3monyhs.my sister&myself have been doing it together living in with her.
Dp gets 2 days off a week so that's when I'm able to stay with my mum.he looks after DD cooks their tea,puts her to bed& will wash up then.will also make her lunch for the next day but never his own!!

OP posts:

UnderHerEye · 22/01/2019 16:23

Have you sat down and talked through how you feel the share of domestic chores is unfair ?

I think it sounds like resentment is building up in your relationship (in both sides) why not start with a proper chat about what’s going on ?

FWIW no I don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to increase your hours and DH decrease his, but it needs to be done with the understanding that he takes on a fair share of the household chores.

Original poster

babayjane67 · 22/01/2019 16:25

I find it very difficult to talk to him about any problems we have in the relationship as he either blanks it/buries his head in the sand or goes in the defensive&turns it bk on me

OP posts:

RiverTam · 22/01/2019 16:26

gosh, you're a lot older than I thought you would be - you do sound very immature, I assumed 30s!

Original poster

babayjane67 · 22/01/2019 16:50

That's not a very helpful comment RiverTam

OP posts:

Boysandbuses · 22/01/2019 16:53

He does sound childish.

But so do you.

He doesn't need a reason to wanna work less hours.

Yes if he works less hours, then he needs to pick more at home. But honestly it sounded like he did nothing. But it appears he does do some things. He just needs to do more.

If you take housework out of it, what is your reason for not wanting to work more?

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