Does this sound right or is it me?

[babayjane67]

Been with dp 11 yrs.we have one DD.
We were chatting about jobs&work as DD gets older.shes 10.
Hes got a good full time job&I work part time.
He said when DD is at secondary school u will be able to look for another job with more hrs then I can drop the amount of hrs I'm doing!
I said well that doesn't sound right! I don't want to go bk to working 9 to 5 5/6 days a week again.i said I don't mind doing 3/4 days a week with more hrs.he huffed&puffed a bit.said it'll be good if he can drop his hrs&I do more!
Why should I have to work more hrs just so he can do less?? Doesn't make sense to me.i bet I'd still have to do all the housework too! He says he'd help more if I was doing more hrs but then he said he'd walk the dog more if we'd got a puppy instead of the lovely rescue dog we've got! He never takes her out or comes out with us on a walk!
He will wash&sometimes wipe up&do some washing in his days off but if I ask him to do it or help wash up while I wipe on a working day he acts like I've asked him to cut his right arm off&doesn't do it!!
He won't even make his own sandwiches for work the next day!!
Sorry I'm waffling now!there's a few things going on&have been for a while on&off that I find difficult to address with him.
Do u think it sounds strange him asking me to do more hrs&him dropping his?

It's reasonable for you both to do similar hours of paid work and similar hours of housework and childcare.

Sounds like you are happy with the status quo but if DH is not then the problem is for both of you to solve together.

I think if you can afford it, it’s perfectly fair that you both work part time- meaning more hours for you and less for him. I’d want to be fair to my husband. Your child is older now.

Housework is another issue. That would need dividing up.

I think in most cases the reality is that women do the lions share of the childcare, housework and running the home whatever hours they are working and i can understand the concern of working more and still doing most of the jobs at home. A PP suggested a trial or schedule of whats involved and see what happens. Is he really going to do the jobs? Is he going to hoover, clean the loo, and buy a pressie for a birthday party, make sure pe kit ready, sew on brownie badges and make sure homework done and that everyone has a (different) evening meal?

It seems he thinks it his his turn now to have an 'easy time of it'. So reading between the lines, it appears he thinks you have had an easy time of it for the past 11 years or at least the work load has not been equal. Except I am sure you would disagree. So if you now work full-time and he goes part-time, it's not quite fair is it, because if your child is almost at secondary school age, the degree of work in looking after her is not anywhere near equivalent to what it would have been looking after a baby, toddler etc. So no, can't see how it is fair. And from the sounds of it you will still be doing everything else also.

Exactly Lozzer thankyou!
He has sewn on brownie badges,because he's a better sewer than I am&he has bought a birthday present with prompting.i would probably need to prompt/remind him to do whatever job he had to do apart from the washing&washing up maybe.as for cleaning the loo he's never done it! Sorry if tmi but when he gets shit down back if the loo he won't wipe it down I have to! It really pisses me off especially when it happens just after I've cleaned it! Same with the soap.i clean it then he comes home from work washes his hands&leaves dirt in the soap&spots if dirt round the sink!does my head in!

Poppies thankyou!

My ex was the same. Didn't clean skid marks, drain his bath or make his sandwiches. It made me spit feathers - so disrespectful as he wouldn't do that anywhere else. Anyway, he can do it all himself and I no longer have to clean up after a manchild - and the man I'm seeing is amazing at housework and everything else too.

I'm glad you've found someone who actually pulls his weight properly now musti!
I go from thinking it's ok he's not too bad to God I've had enough of this&we need to sort it or he goes!
Im scared of being ony own again though especially now I'm in my 50s.daft I know!

Well we each live in our own houses because of the kids and it's still early days, but it is a pleasure spending time with a considerate and capable adult.

I think as long as he does what you're doing now for the home then it's fair, but,,,

It seems neither of you wish to work full time, so instead of bickering like kids about who shoild have to do it, why not try to compromise. Both of you do four days a week or something?

If I don't make his sandwiches for work he goes without!

So let him go without - you're not his mother.

He sounds like a lazy shit in terms of housework/childcare but on the other hand, why is it fair that you only work part-time? If he dropped a day a week could you cope financially?

Have you actually ever said to him that he needs to get off his arse and help you out more?

Agree that a compromise might be fairer; you work a little more, he works a little less. Is that possible?

Green fingers it wouldn’t be “helping her out” it would be pulling his weight.

Bluntness he doesn't do what I do in he house!
Greenfingers yes I have asked him to help with washing up but on a work day he won't do it! Acts like a stroppy teenager! I admit I haven't really asked him to help with anything else as the way he reacts when I do 'rock the boat' about anything makes me afraid to to be honest.
Dancerz thankyou!

A compromise does sound good.i need to try get him to sit down &talk about things properly but it's not easy.
Musti that's great!

Doesn't clean his own shit off the toilet??? I'm almost speechless. What adult thinks that's OK??? I feel queasy.
Sorry op but your oh sounds like a spoilt child. I can see why you're concerned about him taking on more household responsibilities

I can't past the fact that he wants to get rid of the dog and replace it with a puppy Where does he think the old dog is going to go? For that alone I think he must be a heartless tosser.

I know rumred it's crap isn't it?? He says it's because we don't have a toilet brush only the bathroom wipes or loo roll! I hate toilet brushes as I used to do cleaning few yrs ago&we were told as part of our training that they're very unhygienic even if cleaned&dipped in bleach regularly &weren't allowed to use them so that has always stuck with me&I won't use them.

Thenightsky I know!he still says to our DD now that he would rather have had a puppy it'd be better!we've had her 5 yrs!!

I'm with you on toilet brushes. Bleurgh.
It's not difficult using a bit of toilet paper to clean up. No a levels needed
Re the dog. You rescued her and love her. He doesn't. Therefore he's a tosser in my book.
Would you really rather be with such a heartless and idle person than single? I'm 53, single and both happy and content. It's so much better than being in a meh/shite relationship. You've got 20 good years left if you're lucky. Make them as happy and fulfilling as you can. You absolutely deserve it

Yea I know &I do think that sometimes especially when I get fed up of us bickering alot like we do over everything!
We've got our DD to think about though too not just me.she loves her dad&is very close to him.my first marriage broke up after 7 yrs&I brought my other 2 kids up on my own with help from family&it was hard at times.
Do u have kids rumred?

Honestly Op, I think you are being quite childish about it all and I see nothing wrong with you OH wanting to cut down on his long hours as you have been all this time.

He has sewn on brownie badges,because he's a better sewer than I am

At first you say he does hardly anything and you are in charge of the family chores, then you've added in so many things that he does, the sewing, taking her to Brownies, dropping and picking up from school, bits of wiping down and two days a week where you are not home looking after your mother and he takes care of the both of them.
He works long hours, and not fun ones driving a lorry and still is doing parental duties.

Your argument about the sandwich was all you, not him. You offered to do him one and then said he can always do it himself and started a fight over that, if you didn't want to do it, don't offer.

There's no point comparing what your friends do in their relationship regarding working hours. It may work for them, or it may cause tension indoors. Every household is different with different expenses and careers, I don't even know why you would compare.

Well call his bluff on the toilet by buying him a toilet brush - get a 99p one and then you can chuck it when you think it’s germy. I wouldn’t clean a toilet if I didn’t have a brush.

I think a fundamental break down in communication is going on here, you can’t talk and he sulks when you bring things up with him. Would he agree to counselling?

No kids of my own op. Just dogs and cats.
Children obviously complicate decisions about relationships, I realise that. But the days of having to stay with someone you don't love should be long gone, for the adults and children's sakes.

he would rather have had a puppy it'd be better!we've had her 5 yrs!!

If you had have gotten a puppy, it would be an older dog itself by now, what does he think a puppy remains a puppy all it's life?