Does this sound right or is it me?

[babayjane67]

Been with dp 11 yrs.we have one DD.
We were chatting about jobs&work as DD gets older.shes 10.
Hes got a good full time job&I work part time.
He said when DD is at secondary school u will be able to look for another job with more hrs then I can drop the amount of hrs I'm doing!
I said well that doesn't sound right! I don't want to go bk to working 9 to 5 5/6 days a week again.i said I don't mind doing 3/4 days a week with more hrs.he huffed&puffed a bit.said it'll be good if he can drop his hrs&I do more!
Why should I have to work more hrs just so he can do less?? Doesn't make sense to me.i bet I'd still have to do all the housework too! He says he'd help more if I was doing more hrs but then he said he'd walk the dog more if we'd got a puppy instead of the lovely rescue dog we've got! He never takes her out or comes out with us on a walk!
He will wash&sometimes wipe up&do some washing in his days off but if I ask him to do it or help wash up while I wipe on a working day he acts like I've asked him to cut his right arm off&doesn't do it!!
He won't even make his own sandwiches for work the next day!!
Sorry I'm waffling now!there's a few things going on&have been for a while on&off that I find difficult to address with him.
Do u think it sounds strange him asking me to do more hrs&him dropping his?

Current situation - he works ft and does a little round the house. You work pt and do a lot round the house. Your fear presumably is that you switch the working hours around and not the house working hours. Which let’s face it is very likely.

You both currently work full time. Him: paid. You:50% paid, 50% unpaid. He wants you to work full time, him to work part time. He isn't seeing that you look after your primary aged child and do the housework - or isn't seeing it as work. He is deliverately waiting until the home part of the job doesn't exist (childcare). Otherwise he would have done it already.

Boys I have tried to up my hrs recently as another job within the school came up but I was pipped at the post &lost out on it.i don't want to give up my job at the school as I love it &love being able to spend time with DD when we're on hols.why should I have to give up a job I love&find something else just so he can drop his hrs?he does do very little!
Dancerz yes exactly!!

Isdads thankyou!

So you missed out on 1 job.

Hang on. If OP does drop offs and her partner doesn most pick ups, that almost 50:50 and he often does the weekend care......how is he not doing childcare?

Also at some point recently you would have been happy to up your hours, but now you arent?

Is she both your only child op? If so it simplifies things. Depending on your housing situation and if you're generally happy together I think you can easily sort this out. Given your ages I think neither of you want to be working any harder now. If you can afford for him to do a bit less without you doing more then do you think that would work?

He doesnt often do the weekend childcare at all! Where did i say that!?
I said he looks after our DD for 2 days when he's off while I live with my elderly mum to look after her as she's been very poorly.
Usually we are home with her together & other than food shopping I've got a job to get him to do anything else with us!!
I also didn't say I wasn't happy to up my hrs I said I wasn't happy about going full time 9 to 5 again!

God you both sound incredubkh childish.

"Why should I change my job and get more hours" because your job isn't bringing in enough money for you both to work a similar pattern so a discussion needs to be had as to how you can solve this fairly. A school job isn't going to be bringing in much money and I'd have thought by your daughter's age you could reprioritise. You do not get priority to stay home, especially when your child is the age she is. She won't need childcare in high school, and if your husband is part time he will be around some of the holidays too, why can't he spend time with her? 2 working parents will easily afford childcare for a high school aged child!

Engaged yes she is our only child.i have 2 adult children who are now both married but she is our only one together.
We rent our house&tenancy is in my name only.
He is very hard to talk to about problems with us as it were.he sirtnif says what he wants to happen or how he wants it to happen & I either go along with it or if I disagree he gets bit stroppy
I do worry about what life will be like when DD is grown up& gone &it's just us left on our own but I'm digressing now I know.

If you can afford to not both be working full time, wouldn't it make sense for you both to work PT (say 30 hours each) and split the housework and childcare evenly?

Stop making him sandwiches. It doesn't sound like he is bothered either way, but accepts them because it's convenient if someone else makes them. If he is fine without them, let him be.

I've also been looking after my elderly mum too for the last 2/3monyhs.my sister&myself have been doing it together living in with her.

This implies you have been looking after her alot. using the phrase 'last 2/3 months' rather than 'a couple of occasions in the last 2/3 months' implies it's more than ocxassionally.

He is around in the holidays as he always takes time off so he can be.
I have friends who do the same as me,work part time at school&their dp works full time.some of them have done it for years!

@babayjane67 but you're being just the same, you're not considering what he has to say, you're just petulantly saying you don't want to work more and not understanding how it's unfair for him to say that but not you?

Why should I have to work more hrs just so he can do less?

Why should he have to work full time so you can continue to do less? Going to Secondary School means they can travel to and from school with their friends, so no school run. They're old enough to cope with being at home for a couple of hours before you get in from work. They can manage school holidays without burning the house down.

Seems a fair enough swap for the future - you increase your hours and he knocks his back (especially as increasing age makes him statistically less likely to be able to pass the medicals or manage the heavy physical side - you wouldn't want to be in a position where he fails one and you then have to take any full time job/shift work you can get to cover the bills).

Your issues over housework and sandwiches are irrelevant in that respect - if he doesn't feel the need to make sandwiches, then don't make them. He's already said he doesn't care whether he has them or not, so it's not such a big deal to him that you object to making them in the first place.

What hours are you doing if he picks your DD up from the school where you work whilst you're at home? They sound pretty short (and inherently low paid) - why not, when she is at Secondary, look to increasing them so you are working until, say 4pm? She'd be able to get home by herself at 11 years old (or might not even be back until later, depending upon her finishing time at secondary). During holidays, it wouldn't hurt her at 11/12/13 for you to go to work and come back just after 4.

And it might feel a bit fairer at that point to him as well - if you're working more - to do more housework; I certainly wouldn't feel the need to do more if my OH was at home before 3 and refused to make it possible for me to have even a similar number of hours and kicked up a fuss about making me lunch when I really didn't care whether I had one or not .

All things being equal, I suppose one could also reasonably ask why he should work more hours just so you can work less.

You’re being daft about the sandwiches. If he cba to make any he goes without. I don’t know why you’re so bothered about him having them...he doesn’t give a shit, why do you? Stop making them and behaving as though you’re being put upon.

In all other news he’s a lazy git and yadnbu to have had enough of it.

@babayjane67 it doesn't matter what your friends do, if their husband is happy to support them to work part time that's between them, you can't say oh but Deidre's husband does x, y, z and expect yours to do the same.

The other option is for you to find better paying work.

Dirtybadger that isn't something that's come up but it is something that might work not sure.i will have to try&sit him down &talk about it properly if he will.
She's usually at school as it's mostly in the week not weekends! He still does not housework.i asked him to put the vaccum round yesterday but he didn't.his excuse was that he was trying to get an app downloaded onto DDS tablet!!

Badger it would make sense if he did his share. BUT at least he does do something, and the compromise has to be he does more, if he wants his wife to work more hours. At least OP things should get easier as your daughter gets older. It's difficult if he throws a strop every time you try to discuss it. You can only but try it OP and if he don't help more and you can afford to not increase your hours and don't want to then don't.

Pictish I do them because I worry about him going that long without any food.he doesn't eat until he gets home unless he buys a couple of choc bars&by then he's so bloody hungry he makes himself a sandwich then or stuffs biscuits but I know if he's not that bothered then I shouldn't be but when we bicker like that over it he says it in a way that it makes me feel guilty.

I'd make him a deal. Tell him to do all the housework, cooking, shopping, buying presents etc (write a detailed list) for a month and then see how he feels about splitting jobs. No one knows how much work is involved in housework and childcare until they have to do it for more than a bit here and there.

Ffs he is an adult. His sandwiches are not a reason to not compromise.

I have a bit more time now that dc are at school and I have one, sometimes two days off in the week. I do loads for the family that day, but do also find the time for a proper lunch break and to do things like exercise. I do consider it payback for over four years of babies being fed through the night and him snoring through it, and never really getting caught up on sleep. Years of it. The Op’s partner needs to not only agree to do more at home he needs to demonstrate that he’s actually going to do it, before changes are made. Of course there’s always the big change of choosing to split. With tax credits the OP might not be much worse off and could stay working part time.

Musti that's a good idea!
Yes Dancerz thats something that has crossed my mind but haven't done anything about it for DDS sake.