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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Things are good bar the sex

98 replies

JMC27 · 22/01/2019 14:27

Hiya all,

I am trying to sort t his all through in my head and really struggling.

I am divorced with a 5 year old. I have been in a relationship with someone new for about 2 years and they moved in with me.

For so many parts of our relationship I am really happy, we get on so well, have fun, like similar things and interest however there is something missing.

I have a a good to high sex drive and his is basically zero. When we first started dating things were OK at best, but I never felt desired. After about 4 months it dwindled to nothing.

He doesnt like kissing, because he doesnt like the smell of saliva, and has said that 'he is past snogging'. On the odd occasion we have sex it is lay on your back and get it over with as soon as possible. He doesnt like foreplay/either way as it makes him feel uncomfortable and I dont feel desired at all. I have stopped making the first move as it makes him feel 'uncomfortable.'

The worst thing is that he has said that in his past he had a high sex drive and it has now gone. I believe this is in part due to him having partners that cheated him and treated him badly and his mum having an affair, so sex is now linked with bad emotions. I know in with other partners he has not been like that and it makes me feel bad about myself. I am not good at comparing myself to others, and it doesnt not help me that I know that he has not been like this with others.

Every time I try and bring something regarding sex, it is dirty or a bad thing.

He doesnt want to try anything, I have suggested everything you can think of. He has said that he will go to the doctors, but there has been no progress on this and there is always an excuse. It has got to the point that it is the elephant in the room, the last time we tried to have sex, I was shaking I was so nervous.

I love him to bits, but I am not getting the intimacy that I need. I am not sure what do you.

OP posts:

ALittleBitConfused1 · 22/01/2019 15:21

I would end the relationship.in all honesty. It's affecting your self esteem.
I am of the belief that sex is a big part of a relationship. Fancying someone and being fancied is a huge thing for me personally.
Isexual intamcy is the one part of a relationship you share only with eachother and nobody else so for me it's a really special part.
Cutting all that aside. Not being kissed, held, pleasured or touched in any way is soul destroying so no I wouldn't class this as a healthy good relationship.
The fac5 that he knows how this is making you feel, how this is affecting your own worth and still refusing to do anything about it would be enough reason for me to leave.

DustyMcDustbuster · 22/01/2019 15:29

I, personally, couldn’t be in a relationship without good sex. I definitely couldn’t be in one where I didn’t feel fancied or desired. You’re in a very difficult position, as you clearly love him & enjoy the other parts of the relationship. I guess the way you’ll know is if you could carry on in a sexless, affectionless relationship- you have to consider that this might not change. For me it would be a deal breaker. Good luck!

Original poster

JMC27 · 22/01/2019 15:43

It is the root cause issues to a number of issues in our relationship. He knows that it is not natural to feel that way and says that he feels bad about the impact it has, but is not willing to do anything. Sex isnt the be all and end all, however for me that intimacy is missing.

He has decided that he doesn't want to have sex and for me that is a decision, whether he has decided or he literally has no drive. However I have no choice. We are affectionate in most other ways, i would even be happy if we laid in bed had a kiss and a cuddle but it is nothing. It makes me feel horrible laying in bed with someone, knowing they dont want you, despite them saying that are attarcted to you. I feel like I am his cup of tea, when I really want to be his espresso.

It feels like the difference between settling and compromising. I accept that we all have different tastes in the bedroom, and working on that together is a compromise. However I feel like unless something changes I am going to be settling and it will continue to bubble up.

OP posts:

Gina2012 · 22/01/2019 15:50

How will something change?

Original poster

JMC27 · 22/01/2019 15:53

@Gina

I have to talk about it. However If things dont change then x... But I dont want it to be an ultimatum conversation.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 22/01/2019 15:56

He's just a friend, then, isn't he? It's not a romantic relationship. He makes you feel unwanted and he'd be happiest if he never had sex again.

IlluminatiParty · 22/01/2019 16:01

How old is he? Lots of older men struggle with erections - it's hugely common. Viagra or the equivalents (can get them over the counter now) can completely sort things out sometimes. If he's lost confidence because his body isn't cooperating that could be a solution. Obv if it's more deep seated then it's going to be complex. If he doesn't want to do it he shouldn't have to, no one should. But you might need to think about your needs as intimacy is a huge part of a good relationship.

MikeUniformMike · 22/01/2019 16:01

If he cares about you, he will do something about it.
He's not doing anything about it though, is he?
Sex isn't the be all and end all, but a lot of people see it as the glue that holds the love together.
You don't say how old you are but as you have a 5 yr old, you are probably still quite young.
He moved into your place.
Does he pay his way?it sounds like a friendship not a partnership.
I'd be looking at getting him to move out.

jessstan2 · 22/01/2019 16:09

I do not believe this is the right man for you, GMC. You do love him but you love him as a friend and it isn't enough for a young woman like you.

Be gentle with him but tell him you want an all round relationship, that you can't see any future with him. Ask him to move out and don't be in too much of a rush to replace him.

Good luck .

Original poster

JMC27 · 22/01/2019 16:11

@Hollow - I have said that to him before. And that is the way that I feel. We are friends, very close friends, who are intimate about our feeling and lives but that is about it. He said, that he doesnt sleep in the same bed, cuddle or open up emotion to friends. But what is a relationship without sexual intimacy? Friendship I am guessing.

@Illuminati - I think there is part about how he feel about himself, howver I honestly feel that there are some deep rooted issues that have not been addressed.

@Mike - We are early 30's, it is my house, my money. I have a very good job, he has nothing. At the age of 32 he runs his own business, but literally earns less than minimum wage, but literally could not support himself on the little which he earns. I am fine it is my house, and he does contribute in non-financial ways, but still..

OP posts:

MikeUniformMike · 22/01/2019 16:18

He's a cocklodger without the benefits. Get rid.

BitOutOfPractice · 22/01/2019 16:36

Oh lord when I read that it's your house and your money and he earns nothing then I realised why he wants to stay. But what exactly is in it for you?

ALittleBitConfused1 · 22/01/2019 16:50

So he is living in your house rent free and doesn't want to have any kind of sexual contact with you.
Says he doesn't have a aex drive but has in every other relationship he has been in.
Op I hate to say this but I think he is using you. This is clearly a friendship to him and in return your self esteem is being torn apart.
How did he support himself before moving in with you. My guess is that once his business takes off he will be out that door.

Original poster

JMC27 · 22/01/2019 16:58

He has said the last 4-5 years, since his Mums affair he has been the same.

Before he moved in with me, he lived at home, so never needed to earn a huge amount of money. His business will never take off and earn him alot of money as it is work with disabled children, so more of a passion than a get rich scheme. Whether it is sustainable long term is another thing. He however add values in other ways, help running the house, looking after my son etc. I know this was the case when he moved in.

I asked him to move in with me, because I love our relationship, there is just a big issue with the sex.

OP posts:

VietnameseCrispyFish · 22/01/2019 17:01

He ‘doesn’t like the smell of saliva’, won’t snog, not keen on sex...

I’m 99% sure it’s all him not you, but the first thing that jumped to mind was (and I mean this kindly), How is your hygiene? That’s the sort of thing someone really conflict avoidant who didn’t wanna hurt your feelings would say when actually their partner has bad breath or something. The ‘smell of saliva’??? Wtf?

Have you got any of his exes in your life? Could you ask them? If he was like this with others it’s probably him. But... is there a chance that there’s something on your end contributing? I’d ask a really, really good friend for the honest truth and whether they’ve ever noticed your breath smell or your personal hygiene be a bit off. Then at least you can rule that out.

ChocOrCheese · 22/01/2019 17:03

The issue will very likely not get better as he ages and your libido may well increase. Think very carefully about whether you are prepared to put up with this.

Original poster

JMC27 · 22/01/2019 17:07

@VietnamesesCrispyFish - The thought has crossed my mind. However he is super sensitive to smells of any kind. He is the type of person who would say, so if I have morning would say, exactly the same if I have been running he can smell that and says get in the shower.

I have been conscious of this sensitivity and have tried to go the other way, but still makes no difference.

OP posts:

Karigan195 · 22/01/2019 17:10

Wow! Well ask yourself if you’re happy like this? If you are each to their own. If you are not then leave and find someone you connect with better.

Closetbeanmuncher · 22/01/2019 17:28

...Just wait until you want to get the toys out, he will probably douse you in holy water or jump out of the nearest window wailing like a banshee..

Is there anything he is comfortable with?? (Prob wanking to porn where he doesn't have to interact or have any intimacy at a guess)

I absolutely could not live that way and would rather never have sex again than deal with that unsatisfying tedium.

What a horrible situation to be in

Whothere · 22/01/2019 17:30

Do you really believe he had a high sex drive with other partners? There might be a bit of bravado going on there.

Babdoc · 22/01/2019 17:36

I wonder if he is actually gay and in denial, or just asexual.
Either way, this is a miserable relationship for you, OP, and will slowly destroy your self esteem and make you feel undesirable and unwanted. I’d seriously think about ending it, and finding a chap who is as enthusiastic about sex as you are, and who will put the sparkle back in your life.

Original poster

JMC27 · 22/01/2019 18:01

He has always said it is over the last 4-5 years and has talked about previous experiences. He talked about doing it in his car etc, I then started groping him in a car park and he said 'no I am not a 17 year old any more.' That was his reason. Maybe he was only every a 3 or a 4. and not hes a 0. Even if we went back to how we were when we were started, it was the most boring sex ever.

I think I now I need to address it, think Im just scared it means the beggining of the end

OP posts:

Closetbeanmuncher · 22/01/2019 18:08

**internally screams

You could decide that you're 'uncomfortable' giving blow jobs and don't like the smell of semen

Original poster

JMC27 · 22/01/2019 18:10

@Closest - the chance would be a fine thing. I quite like doing those things. I suppose it would be the same me turning around and saying that I no longer do those things, just with other people

OP posts:

Closetbeanmuncher · 22/01/2019 18:10

Do you think that would put a rocket up his arse?

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