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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Things are good bar the sex

98 replies

JMC27 · 22/01/2019 14:27

Hiya all,

I am trying to sort t his all through in my head and really struggling.

I am divorced with a 5 year old. I have been in a relationship with someone new for about 2 years and they moved in with me.

For so many parts of our relationship I am really happy, we get on so well, have fun, like similar things and interest however there is something missing.

I have a a good to high sex drive and his is basically zero. When we first started dating things were OK at best, but I never felt desired. After about 4 months it dwindled to nothing.

He doesnt like kissing, because he doesnt like the smell of saliva, and has said that 'he is past snogging'. On the odd occasion we have sex it is lay on your back and get it over with as soon as possible. He doesnt like foreplay/either way as it makes him feel uncomfortable and I dont feel desired at all. I have stopped making the first move as it makes him feel 'uncomfortable.'

The worst thing is that he has said that in his past he had a high sex drive and it has now gone. I believe this is in part due to him having partners that cheated him and treated him badly and his mum having an affair, so sex is now linked with bad emotions. I know in with other partners he has not been like that and it makes me feel bad about myself. I am not good at comparing myself to others, and it doesnt not help me that I know that he has not been like this with others.

Every time I try and bring something regarding sex, it is dirty or a bad thing.

He doesnt want to try anything, I have suggested everything you can think of. He has said that he will go to the doctors, but there has been no progress on this and there is always an excuse. It has got to the point that it is the elephant in the room, the last time we tried to have sex, I was shaking I was so nervous.

I love him to bits, but I am not getting the intimacy that I need. I am not sure what do you.

OP posts:

Wordthe · 23/01/2019 11:07

sorry @hollowtalk I didn't see your post
great minds think alike 😁
why are you even bothering with this bloke, he's just a friend don't let him control your life, if you like him keep him as a friend and then you can have sex with other men if you want to

HollowTalk · 23/01/2019 11:10

The thing is that he doesn't like sex. He doesn't like kissing.

Yet when you met, he did have sex. He did kiss you (presumably.) So might he have been reeling you in, so that you thought "This is how it will be" when he knew full well that as soon as he was living with you, he would stop having any intimate relations with you.

He knew that if he told you on the first date that there would never be any sex - more than that, that sex would feel like rape to him - you wouldn't have seen him again. Yet he didn't tell you that, did he? He let you think you would have a sexual relationship with him. He got his feet under the table, then made his revelation.

That's really horrible, isn't it?

MiniTheMinx · 23/01/2019 11:13

Life is too short for this. At best it sounds boring.

I'm going to be blunt here. I think he's a lazy cocklodging sex dodging liar. And I also think he is deceiving you about saying he finds you attractive. He doesn't. If he did he'd snog your face off.

Do you think women love the taste of spunk? And think cocks are aesthetically beautiful objects? I suspect we overcome a general aversion or mild disdain to feel temporarily attraction, or even an obsessive desire for it because we are attracted to its owner!

He's diminishing you and all for what? A few clean dishes and TV viewing companion.

My suspicion is that he's quite happy to have financial support. Life is indeed hard if you have to stand on your own two feet.

You deserve better.

Wordthe · 23/01/2019 11:13

Yep he has pulled a bait-and-switch manoeuvre on you
you have been conned

Original poster

JMC27 · 23/01/2019 11:55

What probably hurts the most, is that he was not always like this. It then drives at my insecurities.

The worst thing is that everything else is really good,

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 23/01/2019 11:57

Of course he wasn't always like this! If he was, you wouldn't have gone on a second date!

HollowTalk · 23/01/2019 11:58

And the rest of the time is happy - why wouldn't it be (for him) when you are funding his lifestyle. He's just thinking, "If only she'd shut up about sex, everything would be fine..."

sollyfromsurrey · 23/01/2019 12:06

Just putting some thoughts out there. Is he gay but not willing to admit it? Is he on the autistic spectrum. His extreme sensitivity to smells made me wonder this.

If he is unwilling to work on an aspect of your relationship that is not working for you then the relations isn't feasible long term

Dillydallyingthrough · 23/01/2019 12:22

OP this sounds really tough.

I know what's it like to be by yourself with a child, and then for someone to come along support/help you - you begin to think 'how did I ever do this by myself? Maybe I should settle because my child likes them, it makes life easier, etc.'

However, step back a bit:

If you were single, with no responsibilities would you still want to be with him?
If the roles were reversed, would you do something to compromise? (GP, therapy)
If your BF wrote what you had written here what would you advise?

Personally, I feel sex is very important in a relationship, it's the one thing I do with my Dp and no-one else. We feel much closer once we have had sex due to the level of honesty and intimacy.
A partner should make you feel good about yourself, give you confidence and lift you up. I've always hated the stretch marks on my stomach - my DP is always telling me how sexy I am and for the first time in almost 40 years I wore a bikini recently because of the confidence he has given me.

I think you know that he's a friend, but are struggling with the end of it.

Wordthe · 23/01/2019 12:26

Wake up, he's taking the piss and you are being a complete mug

Wordthe · 23/01/2019 12:27

What a great guy he is @Dilly😊

Original poster

JMC27 · 23/01/2019 12:44

Even when we started dating I never felt wanted, which a partner should make you feel. Whilst that would be an improvement, it feels like it would still not be enough, maybe the gap would be too big

OP posts:

MiniTheMinx · 23/01/2019 12:54

You can't make him want you. It's an oxymoron isn't it. Want and make just don't go together.

And you'll feel very much worse if you try.

It's not you. It's him. But the proof of that can only be found after you've got rid of him.

ElspethFlashman · 23/01/2019 13:57

Frankly you have to examine your own standards here.

I suspect the amount of women who would move in a bloke who didn't want or desire them and had no money to be vanishingly small.

It is a real shame you give yourself so little.

crimsonlake · 23/01/2019 16:44

Well said MinitheMix. We are going round in circles here with advice, from your responses op it does not sound as if you are heeding them, you are basically repeating the same thing.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 23/01/2019 16:58

The worst thing is that everything else is really good

But he earns bugger all money - does he even contribute to bills?

Even when we started dating I never felt wanted

Struggling to understand why you carried on dating him.

To be honest, I would end things and move on. Life's too short for unhappy relationships.

Consolidatedyourloins · 23/01/2019 21:31

Don't let the 2 years become, 4, then 6, OP.

You'll kick yourself in years to come for all the wasted years.

Look at his actions, not his words. As a pp said, for whatever reason (whether he's secretly gay, asexual or whatever), he does not fancy you and he never will. He may find you attractive, but as a trophy/proof to the world that he is 'normal'. He does not find you sexually attractive. He will say whatever he can in order to stay, as he knows it may not easy to fool someone again for a long time.

Original poster

JMC27 · 25/01/2019 09:09

I really think that this is something that he needs support with, but he is also aware that this has been going on for so long.

He knows how important it is to me. But has really done anything, it feels like he is happy with the way things are, he knows it is not right, but accepts that is the way that things are.

I dont want him to change for me, I want him to change for himself and for us. I know that there may be alt of demons that he needs to deal with and that can be scary.

If we agree to take again or to work on it, how long do I give it?

OP posts:

Birdie6 · 25/01/2019 09:43

Hard to imagine that his sex drive disappeared because he found out his mother had had an affair . He was an adult at the time - why would that turn him off sex ? I just sounds like a story he has told you. I can imagine that a man could be shocked or saddened that Mum had had an affair, but to say it turned him off sex entirely is stretching credibility.
Unless he has some weird attachment to his mother .

Didiusfalco · 25/01/2019 09:52

I would put good money on the fact that he never had a high sex drive. It’s all bullshit. He’s reeled you in with a bit of early physical contact and got his feet under the table. Now you’re doubting yourself and your esteem is suffering, when in fact his behaviour is far from normal. He could be asexual, he could be gay, he could have serious ocd. Either way he is not relationship material.

Original poster

JMC27 · 25/01/2019 10:00

@Birdie Didius - Why would I not believe that? Why is it so hard to believe that a man has emotion issues caused by trauma in his past? Maybe it is or maybe it isnt, but all I can go on is the facts that I have in front of me.

I feel like that if I said that I had issues from being used, cheated on, lied to, my role model in life let me down and I associate that with sex. Then you'd be 'hun you have had it hard you need to look after yourself put yourself first etc.' Not all men are bad, and most of us are broken in our own way

OP posts:

Didiusfalco · 25/01/2019 11:30

Op, because the evidence you have is that he has a low/non existent sex drive. Anything else is just heresay. Also it sounds massively implausible that his mother having an affair when he was an adult killed his sex drive, if you’d said it made him distrust women then maybe, but sex drive - no.
It almost doesn’t matter anyway, it’s making you feel like shit, are you prepared to stay in a platonic relationship that’s killing your self confidence?

Original poster

JMC27 · 25/01/2019 11:33

Im not happy that is true. However men hating keyboard warriors making huge sweeping statements dosent really help.

OP posts:

Wordthe · 25/01/2019 11:34

He is just using it to control you and to very slowly and gradually crush you

ElspethFlashman · 25/01/2019 11:34

Well alrighty then. We all may as well now out at this point I think.

Best of luck OP.

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