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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Things are good bar the sex

98 replies

JMC27 · 22/01/2019 14:27

Hiya all,

I am trying to sort t his all through in my head and really struggling.

I am divorced with a 5 year old. I have been in a relationship with someone new for about 2 years and they moved in with me.

For so many parts of our relationship I am really happy, we get on so well, have fun, like similar things and interest however there is something missing.

I have a a good to high sex drive and his is basically zero. When we first started dating things were OK at best, but I never felt desired. After about 4 months it dwindled to nothing.

He doesnt like kissing, because he doesnt like the smell of saliva, and has said that 'he is past snogging'. On the odd occasion we have sex it is lay on your back and get it over with as soon as possible. He doesnt like foreplay/either way as it makes him feel uncomfortable and I dont feel desired at all. I have stopped making the first move as it makes him feel 'uncomfortable.'

The worst thing is that he has said that in his past he had a high sex drive and it has now gone. I believe this is in part due to him having partners that cheated him and treated him badly and his mum having an affair, so sex is now linked with bad emotions. I know in with other partners he has not been like that and it makes me feel bad about myself. I am not good at comparing myself to others, and it doesnt not help me that I know that he has not been like this with others.

Every time I try and bring something regarding sex, it is dirty or a bad thing.

He doesnt want to try anything, I have suggested everything you can think of. He has said that he will go to the doctors, but there has been no progress on this and there is always an excuse. It has got to the point that it is the elephant in the room, the last time we tried to have sex, I was shaking I was so nervous.

I love him to bits, but I am not getting the intimacy that I need. I am not sure what do you.

Jx

OP posts:
JMC27 · 25/01/2019 11:35

@Didiusfalco - are you a trained and practising Psychologist? If not then I find it difficult how you can say what may or may not impact someone and the consequences of that?

I reall hope that you give people in your life the benefit of the doubt, as that is the advice you seem to be wanting to give

OP posts:
JMC27 · 25/01/2019 11:37

@Wordthe - so what you are saying that this is all just a clever ploy to get his own way?

OP posts:
Didiusfalco · 25/01/2019 11:47

Look, if you were my friend, I would be much more diplomatic, but I would be thinking he was taking you for a ride. This is the internet so I’m giving my gut reaction to what you have written, it’s not sugar coated, you don’t like it - you can take it or leave it 🤷‍♀️

WH1SPERS · 25/01/2019 11:48

I really think that this is something that he needs support with, but he is also aware that this has been going on for so long

He knows how important it is to me. But has really done anything, it feels like he is happy with the way things are, he knows it is not right, but accepts that is the way that things are

I dont want him to change for me, I want him to change for himself and for us. I know that there may be alt of demons that he needs to deal with and that can be scary

If we agree to take again or to work on it, how long do I give it?

So you accept that he’s happy with the way things are. Yet you want him to change his feelings - you want him to WANT to change.

YOU think he needs help and support. You think he has demons and is scared.

He is quite happy.

You don’t just want him to change, you want him to WANT to change. And for the correct reasons ( as decided by you ).

Can’t you see how controlling this is?

You have two choices here .

  1. Stay and stop trying to coerce or control his sexuality. Accept this is who he is and how he wants to be.
  1. Leave
NotANotMan · 25/01/2019 11:52

Mate. You've got yourself a very expensive flatmate. At least a real flatmate would pay you rent.

How do you know he wasn't like this with other partners? I call bullshit on that.

You want him to change - wtf do you think he is going to do differently? You're early 30s! This can't be your life!

MiniTheMinx · 25/01/2019 11:54

He may well have an issue now because of past experiences. It may be that his mother's affair has really unsettled him. So, what would you suggest he do? Counseling? Suggest it and see what he says.

Although, I think his reasons are not reasons but excuses.

Have you ever used his phone? Checked it's history? What's the history on his pc or tablet? Does he look at porn? Bet he does.

You are trying yourself in knots. You are complicating what is very obvious. He has had,Bor does have some sort of sex drive. He does not and will not have sex with you. What do you want to do about that?

Ultimately irrespective of his behaviour, you are now hurting yourself by persisting with this. You do have to take some responsibility in your own unhappiness, because you have the power should you wish to end this and be happy.

OneStepMoreFun · 25/01/2019 11:58

I wonder if he's one of those people who can't equate sex with love. If so it would be easy for him to have a high sex drive with a partner he didn;t really care about but if he 'loves' someone (his terms) sex would make thst love impure. My first boyfriend was like that. Put me on a pedestal but sneaked out to use prostitutes. Very creepy in retrospect.

I'd split up if I were you. That sounds unhealthy. Especially his unwillingness to get help.

Wordthe · 25/01/2019 11:59

I don't think it's a clever ploy, no not at all
I think it's his instinctive/unconscious mind directing him to do things which give him power and control

PennilessPaladin · 25/01/2019 12:09

Why are people so quick to think the worst? There is no reason why he might not be affected emotionally by his mum's infidelity. Not that I'm saying you should necessarily stay with him op, but I'm inclined to think that if you love him and things are good otherwise it could be worth a last go at saving.

In your shoes I would probably be having an honest chat about the way forward and giving myself a time limit in my head fir things to improve.

I have a partner with a lower sex drive and other issues. For him, he hates it if the kids are in the house, especially my teenage son as he can't relax, and also things have to be right. If he's stressed or we've argued he's not in the mood, whereas for me it's stress relief Grin

We do communicate about it though, think that's key

RatherBeRiding · 25/01/2019 12:13

Wh1spers is right. He is perfectly happy - if he wasn't he'd be down his GP or therapist so quick he'd leave a smoke trail.

But he isn't seeing his GP, is he? Why? Because he doesn't want to. He knows it bothers you (a lot) and it's easy enough to say the right things now and then to keep stringing you along whilst at the same time maintaining the status quo - which he is quite happy with.

You can't make him seek help. You can't make him want to change how things are. All you can do is decide when, or if, to call it a day. Because this is how it is. Either leave him to it and accept you will have a substandard relationship for ever and ever, or get out while you can.

Thehop · 25/01/2019 12:20

The point is he doesn’t WANT to change.

He’s essentially an au pair that you’re emotionally close to.

You can’t live the rest of your life like this.

You also can’t make him want to be who he’s not.

He’s been honest, he doesn’t want to like the physical aspect of a relationship with you. Ever. You need to ask yourself if having an au pair and friend is more important than having an adult relationship. (Though I wonder how you’ll feel supporting him through retirement without even the memories of the good years to look back on?”

Wordthe · 25/01/2019 12:25

I have also been in a relationship with my partner felt unable to have sex because my teenage son was in the house
I wonder what was going on there, he didn't seem to have a problem with my daughter being in the house

Wordthe · 25/01/2019 12:26

I think he's playing for time here, just fobbing you off until it's too late and you'll have to look after him in his old age

PennilessPaladin · 25/01/2019 12:39

My daughter's moved out but mine was the same with her too (thank god!) . He's just quite a private person, and we live in a tiny place. Lots of people have hang ups about different things I guess

Huskylover1 · 25/01/2019 12:51

OMG, I read this, and I just want to give you a shake.

You don't want to believe what some Posters are telling you, but you are young, and you need to remember that a lot of women on here have more life experience, and are only saying these things to help you.

So, as someone who is 20 years older than you, and who has been around the block, I'm going to give you my two pennies, and you can do what you will with it.

I don't think he fancies you. I don't think he fancies women at all, actually, because any man with half a sex drive, would eventually shag a woman he shared a bed with, regardless of how sexy he found her, because his natural urges would take over.

So, he's either asexual, gay or into something else entirely, and (much as I hate to say it), a horrible thought crossed my mind when you said that he worked with disabled children, for virtually no pay.

I think you were vulnerable when you met him (otherwise there's no way you would have moved him in, when you felt he didn't desire you), I think he picked up on that vulnerability, and saw you as an easy meal ticket.

He doesn't love you, or care for you. This is borne out by his actions : sponging off you financially, and not caring about your feelings, wants or desires. You are his meal ticket, and nothing more. He has to stay reasonably friendly with you, because you hold the purse strings.

You wouldn't allow a sibling or a female friend to move in to your home, and pay no rent. Why are you letting him do this? Some women overlook a man paying his way, because they love the man and get great sex. I couldn't stand for that personally, but in this scenario, you aren't even getting the sex, or even affection. As for saliva smelling, he sounds positively unhinged.

I don't believe this his mother having an affair caused his sex drive to disappear. Quite frankly that's a crock, but he's done such a number on you, that you are actually willing to believe this.

I also think that if you got sick, and lost your job, he would suddenly do a fantastic impression of the Road Runner.

Despite all of the above, the situation is untenable, unless you are prepared to become celibate at 30, and support this "man" for the rest of your life. Are you? Because if you're not, every day that you spend with him, you are not actively moving forward.

What would I do? I'd send him back to his mothers, and start dating again. Date solvent, nice normal men only, who aren't plagued by multiple issues.

You could have a normal life, with equal financial responsibility, dates out, holidays, mind blowing sex and maybe even another baby, if that's what you want. It's all there for the taking. But only once you get rid of this piss taker.

Huskylover1 · 25/01/2019 12:56

And btw, your title "Things are good bar the sex" is not true. A relationship where one person sponges off the other, isn't good. Far, far from it. You've become so fixated on the sex issue, that you are almost ignoring the "not paying his own way" issue, which in itself is MASSIVE

Wordthe · 25/01/2019 13:23

@Husky speaks the truth, a brilliant and insightful post
you should listen OP

Wordthe · 25/01/2019 13:25

I also note what you said about working with disabled children, I have just read Anna Salter's book, she cautions us to be on the lookout for men who appear to have no interest in sex with adults but look for opportunities where they can access children

Wordthe · 25/01/2019 13:26

It's all starting to look much darker now

Gina2012 · 25/01/2019 13:38

Get rid

Please

Villagelifer · 25/01/2019 15:32

OP I think through habit you have forgotten what normal looks like. The "no kissing" because of the smell of saliva, the comments about rape, it's just weird.
Allow him as many excuses as you want, but he doesn't fancy you and he doesn't want to change. It's not going to last, it's up to you how much longer you want to put up with it.

something2say · 25/01/2019 19:21

It's last ditch saloon behaviour on the part of the op.
She doesn't want to face the music, and how many of us have been there?

My take is that he isn't asexual at the moment.

The sooner it ends the better, but I guess only when you're ready xxx

As the lady upthread said, there's great sex happening elsewhere and you can have some too. Sometimes love doesn't conquer all.

thisusernameisrubbish · 25/01/2019 20:23

Everything @Huskylover1 said, including the bit about children, which also crossed my mind.

I don't think you want the truth, you are hoping he'll change and you want to give him many chances.

I think the reality is you're scared of failing at a relationship again so willing to put up with anything over nothing.

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