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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Things are good bar the sex

98 replies

JMC27 · 22/01/2019 14:27

Hiya all,

I am trying to sort t his all through in my head and really struggling.

I am divorced with a 5 year old. I have been in a relationship with someone new for about 2 years and they moved in with me.

For so many parts of our relationship I am really happy, we get on so well, have fun, like similar things and interest however there is something missing.

I have a a good to high sex drive and his is basically zero. When we first started dating things were OK at best, but I never felt desired. After about 4 months it dwindled to nothing.

He doesnt like kissing, because he doesnt like the smell of saliva, and has said that 'he is past snogging'. On the odd occasion we have sex it is lay on your back and get it over with as soon as possible. He doesnt like foreplay/either way as it makes him feel uncomfortable and I dont feel desired at all. I have stopped making the first move as it makes him feel 'uncomfortable.'

The worst thing is that he has said that in his past he had a high sex drive and it has now gone. I believe this is in part due to him having partners that cheated him and treated him badly and his mum having an affair, so sex is now linked with bad emotions. I know in with other partners he has not been like that and it makes me feel bad about myself. I am not good at comparing myself to others, and it doesnt not help me that I know that he has not been like this with others.

Every time I try and bring something regarding sex, it is dirty or a bad thing.

He doesnt want to try anything, I have suggested everything you can think of. He has said that he will go to the doctors, but there has been no progress on this and there is always an excuse. It has got to the point that it is the elephant in the room, the last time we tried to have sex, I was shaking I was so nervous.

I love him to bits, but I am not getting the intimacy that I need. I am not sure what do you.

Jx

OP posts:
Closetbeanmuncher · 22/01/2019 18:13

It's such a horrible situation to be in, in all honesty I don't see it changing...I say escape before your self esteem ground to dust..

Thankfully there are plenty who love kissing and foreplay Smile

shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 22/01/2019 18:17

Why on earth would you invite him to move in with you?

He's a cocklodger but without the cock! If he isn't contributing financially then you'd be better off with a lodger! Get rid

tallwivglasses · 22/01/2019 18:24

You're in your prime, woman! And you're missing out big time. If he's not willing to go to a sex therapist (which you'll no doubt end up paying for) then he really doesn't love you enough.

Whothere · 22/01/2019 18:29

If he’s that great you can still be friends with him. Just don’t be a partners. What’s the point?

smilethoyourheartisbreaking · 22/01/2019 18:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Renarde1975 · 22/01/2019 18:37

Nope. Nope and all the nope!

He's manipulating you OP with one of the oldest tricks in the book. Sex = intimacy = love.

He has nothing and you have everything?

Its that OP, right there. You deserve so much better than this. You really do.

Flowers because it's shit.

Middersweekly · 22/01/2019 18:45

He could be suffering with low testosterone and needs to visit a GP for a blood test. Also have you sat him down and spoken to him about your wants and needs? Maybe you can come to a compromise. Sometimes sex is really important to one person in the relationship and not to the other, but this mismatch in labido will ultimately cause tension and lead to resentment. You should address it sooner rather than later tbh. It sounds like he has some sexual trauma/ feelings of being inadequate but this is making you feel unwanted and un-desired which is doing nothing for your self confidence!

BlueJag · 22/01/2019 18:47

If you don't have a full sex life now with him now? When?
I've been married 30 years and we've always had sex.
Obviously not as much now as when we meet but still active and very nice.
If you want to live with a close friend fair enough but he won't make you happy the longer this goes on.
Sounds like he has been thru trauma and it's a real shame but he needs to see somebody to help him. Sad

Original poster
JMC27 · 22/01/2019 19:16

The real shame is that we match in so many other ways. It feels like a 80/20. I accept that nothing is perfect, but it feels like the 20% is a big thing.

He clearly needs some support, whether that is physical or mental, but it is been so long it is never going to change. In the past he has had the attitude that this is the way I am get used it.

He accepts that it is not right, he knows how I feel, but he does nothing. I said once that we would just try messing about and see what happened, we can just try and stop if you want. He put it akin to rape, that he he didnt want to have sex then that was basically rape.

OP posts:
Original poster
JMC27 · 22/01/2019 19:18

I think we all know that I need to have the conversation, something has to change. I dont want to settle and that is what it feels like I am doing.

OP posts:
MikeUniformMike · 22/01/2019 19:34

Do you see yourself being happy with no sex ever again? Do you want another child?

Original poster
JMC27 · 22/01/2019 19:45

@Mike - I would not be happy if we never had sex again

OP posts:
WH1SPERS · 22/01/2019 19:50

is this really what you want for th rest of your life? Because he doesn’t want sex with you and that’s never going to change.

Bollocks is it to do with his ex cheating ! Most people have been cheated on at least one and we are not all celibate ( and never even kiss or cuddle).

MikeUniformMike · 22/01/2019 19:51

I'm not an expert or anything but I have been in a relationship where it was obvious after a few months in that the intimate side of a relationship wasn't going to happen and it turned out he was 'in love' with someone else.
.
Staying as one half of a couple with him will not do you any good. Best wishes - you need to have a difficult chat.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 22/01/2019 20:03

"20% bad" in a relationship is not an "80% good" relationship. It's a sub-standard relationship.

ElspethFlashman · 22/01/2019 20:09

What the actual fuck are you doing??!

Are you out of your mind??

You let a man who is disgusted by you, move into your house and pay you no rent.

Are you mad??

You have to do some serious self reflection here. You are not giving a shiny shit about yourself. You are fucking yourself over every day by forcing this ridiculous farce of an entanglement into it.

gamerchick · 22/01/2019 20:10

Look you know you have a choice here. Life like this forever or move on.

Ask him to go back to his mothers while you think, you've just gained yourself a lodger without the rent.

Whothere · 22/01/2019 20:17

You said even the sex you did have was awful.

enoughisenough2 · 22/01/2019 20:29

He needs to move out seriously he can still play with your son as a friend because that’s all he is. Cocklodger without the cock I agree with that. You deserve better Flowers

PotteryGirl · 22/01/2019 22:02

I don't think this man is emotionally ready to have any kind of close relationship..he seems to have way too much baggage that he is unwilling to shed, he wallows in the comfort of his weirdness and seems to expect you to join him. As an onlooker this is not right at all...in fact he sounds very, very wrong. Sorry.

crimsonlake · 23/01/2019 09:59

You are putting up with a lot to get very little back. This relationship is purely platonic, it is like having a flatmate, but one who does not pay his way. He needs to leave.

HollowTalk · 23/01/2019 10:52

He put it akin to rape, that he he didnt want to have sex then that was basically rape.

And he's right, of course, but if you are in a position where you want sex and he thinks he's being raped, then you really do have to get out.

HollowTalk · 23/01/2019 10:53

And yet again this is a man who is living off a woman while making her unhappy. A cocklodger without the cock, in this situation.

trulybadlydeeply · 23/01/2019 11:03

I was in a very similar situation, OP, for far too long.

We separated for other reasons, but no sex for many years made me feel so alone and so unhappy, but I thought I had to put up with it, for the sake of the children. He refused to have sex, or any kind of intimacy, saying he was "too old". As soon as we separated I discovered he then joined lots of dodgy websites looking for women to hook up with. Having done lots of reading I feel the Madonna and Whore complex may apply to him. Unfortunately I married him and had children with him, and he has now walked off with half of everything I own (house, income etc were all mine).

Do NOT allow this to happen to you OP. You deserve happiness, you deserve intimacy. Witholding intimacy can actually be seen as a form of abuse in a relationship. He is choosing to treat you like this.

Wordthe · 23/01/2019 11:05

So he's like a cocklodger but you don't even get any cock?

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