Practical advice on separation

[Itssnowjoke2me]

I am separating from my husband of 5 years. He doesn't want to separate and I think he is going to make things difficult. I'm really hoping and aiming to be as amicable as possible. It's taken me a long time to get to this point and be brave enough to make the decision to separate. I've had years of verbal abuse which hasn't changed since the birth of our youngest dc. Christmas was awful an the final straw now I am ready to call it a day. He does not want to and will try to convince me to stay. He will use pressure tactics and threaten to make things very difficult for me.

What I want to know is does anyone have any practical advice on standing my ground and making sure I'm not pressured. We've been close to splitting before and he's presented me with a list of options with a 2 day time limit to decide. I'm expecting something similar this time.

I've listed 3 main questions but I'm sure there are more things to consider as my head is in a bit of a spin at the moment so any advice would be appreciated.

Also I'm thinking to delay divorce for two years so we don't have to give a reason. I could easily file for unacceptable behaviour but I'd rather not as I'm hoping we can eventual be friends and co parent effectively.

1. Can I start the process to claim additional benefits while he is still in the house. (I work part time and don't earn enough to support on my own)

2 Am I entitled to stay in the house if I take over the mortgage payments? We have two children the youngest a year old. I'm the primary carer and work part time. Can he make me leave and force the sale?

3 Is it reasonable to expect him to help finantially with the children as I'm the one ending it? And does this include nursery costs?

Thanks for any advice

Am I entitled to stay in the house if I take over the mortgage payments?

No not necessarily.

*Is it reasonable to expect him to help finantially with the children as I'm the one ending it?

He will be expected to pay child maintenance.

And does this include nursery costs?

No he doesn't have to pay nursery costs.

You need to get legal advice.

Sorry to hear you are going through this op.

Firstly, he’s not your friend, you can be amicable, but remember this is your future you’re negotiating so don’t get sucked into anything. You don’t have to give him a reason as to why you’re doing this. So you don’t owe him an explanation if he tries to change your mind.

With regards to the house see a solicitor. You aren’t entitled to anything. You may stay in the house, as you are the primary Carer for the dc but you can’t make him move out. If he does move out you can take over payments. But remember he’s entitled to some of the equity once you sell. Would you be happy to hand over 50% of the equity after you’ve paid all of the mortgage payments for say 15 years? - just an example.

Child maint has to be paid and it’s based on number of nights he also has her and his salary. Go onto the gov website as there is a calc on there, but no he doesn’t have to pay towards childcare, that’s your responsibility

Thank you for the advice on nursery costs I wouldn't have expected him to pay all but maybe towards but I guess it is included in what child maintenance he has to pay. If we were to work it out between ourselves should I get it in writing or will it not make a difference if he decides not to pay?

Also does anyone know about applying for benefits while he is still in the house? I'm hoping he will leave but I need to be prepared for when he goes an so need to make application as soon as possible. If he refuses to go we will still be splitting finances and I will have to support myself and children so will still need to apply as I am working part time. How do I prove that we are separated but still under the same roof?

Hi Op, sorry that you are going through this - it is awful. I am going through similar with my 'D'H at the moment.
I can't offer much advice, as I haven't yet started getting all my ducks in a row (so exhausting to just get through the day/evening sometimes) but here for support and xx

I would seek legal advice asap and do not let him railroad you like this any longer. You two living under the same roof cannot happen going forward either; he will simply use any and all opportunities to abuse and otherwise punish you further. He will not co-operate with the process and is already pressuring you with this two day demand of his.

Re your comment:-
"Also I'm thinking to delay divorce for two years so we don't have to give a reason. I could easily file for unacceptable behaviour but I'd rather not as I'm hoping we can eventual be friends and co parent effectively"

If he has not been reasonable to date it is unlikely that your hopes of eventually being friends and co-parenting effectively will be at all realised. He is not your friend here and never has been this either and I think it likely he will continue to abuse you and in turn his children post separation.

If he is abusive then I would suggest you get yourself a solicitor who is well versed in the ways of abusive men. He is going to remain difficult throughout the whole process of separation and divorce anyway as punishment to you for having the gall in his eyes to leave him.

You don't need to prove it, you can ring up tell them what you have said, that you are now separated and have separate finances. Don't delay, you could be entitled to help so you may as well get the ball rolling. There may be some benefits you aren't entitled to if you own a house but you should be able to get some support. You can look at the entitled to / turn2us website to see what you may be able to claim.

@Amicrazyornot sorry to hear you are going through something similar. Have you had the conversation yet or building up to it? We've had a conversation, he knows how I feel but said he hoped I'd change my mind (that's after he threatened to f**k me up so bad (meaning fiintially) been trying to speak to him the last few days but he keeps putting it off. Going to talk tomorrow and be very clear that we definitely are going to separate. Then the real fun will start because I know he will not take it well at all. I am prepared and will stand my ground this time I am making the change for the better, for all of us in the long run.

Thanks also for the other advice everyone, I should add that I have phoned a solicitor that was recommended by a friend but they were not very nice to me and wanted £60 for the initial meeting and then were throwing numbers at me, 500 for this, 600 for that plus court costs. I don't have that kind of spare money at the moment so I thought is it worth going to see a solicitor at all? If we wait divorce for two years? I suppose it all depends on how difficult he wants to be.

I have also tried ringing citizens advice but couldn't get through. Not sure if there is any other avenue of good free advice available?

Would you be able to pass your lenders mortgage calculator if he comes off of the mortgage & gets his share of equity? Something to consider?

@NameChangeNugget is that something I'd have to do if he comes off? Would it not just transfer to me as it's in my name also? If I have to then as far as I know most lenders will take into account all income including benefits and maintenance and wages. I did a online calculation and I would be able to borrow about 20,000 less than I would need so it would be problematic. I'm not saying I want to stay in the house permanently but definitely for now, so if we were separated for two years he wouldn't need to come off mortgage and I would take over paying it in full. Then in two years when we formally divorce we can look at the house and decide if I buy him out or we sell and split etc. My circumstances might be better than i.e I could be working full time and be able to borrow more on a mortgage of my own. Again this all depends on how he wants to do things so till I've spoken to him properly I've no idea.

Fingers crossed you’re ok but, I think they’ll take into account your current status as the house is currently owned by the lender & the two of you. There’ll be a new application & contract if he comes off of the mortgage. I’d check with your lender or get some independent legal advice on that

I think I do need to speak to a solicitor to clarify things like that @NameChangeNugget

Rather than ring around a lot and get frosty receptionists like I did previously does anyone know if there is a list of solicitors that do the 1st meeting for free? I was told citizens advice could help me with that but as I said earlier I couldn't get through to them on the phone.

You would need to apply for a new mortgage OP, unfortunately it’s not as simple as just removing him from the mortgage. Only some companies include benefits so you would need to go to a broker for advice.

Divorce is expensive,my DHwas married before, his divorce was relatively straight forward and cost around £4k. they had decided on the house split and the mortgage was already in one name.

Historically you could claim benefits when separated but living under the same roof however I am not sure if this is still the case.

You realistically would need to get your H to agree to the terms of you staying in the house , what about the equity in it? An agreement would have to be made about this also....

Even after two years seperatjon there can be hostility which makes any type of agreement difficult o bare that in mind

OP go on your local Facebook sites (we have them in my area) and at least every few months someone asks for divorce advice... see if anyone has recently and see what the recommendations are. It’s a good starting point

These boards are full of people who are reluctant to get married.
Can see why after that @Tiredeyes21
That’s so expensive

It was crazy when I found the invoices £100 a letter, phone calls charge at a few £s a minute!!! Letters you didn’t ask to be sent out, if the other party disagrees then another letter!!!

Hi Op - yes started discussing a week and a bit ago how unhappy I was. Then have said this last week that I want to seperate.

We had a initial counselling session last week, which he requested, which I literally did not recognise him in (he normally runs rings around me), apparently he wants to continue this to ensure that we have an amicable ending - but think he is still hoping I change my mind (I won't).

I'm having days where I am terrified and find it hard to even get started in sorting stuff out and some where I'm proactive and managing to do bits. We have two DC's under 7 and it's exhausting pretending everything's ok. He wants to live together for the foreseeable so he can be there for the kids (super dad atm - after years of me doing all the grunt work) but I fear this is just more of the controlling and will just be the same environment as when we were "together" so I'm keen to get out of that as soon as is practical (we rent).

I'm hoping to get some counselling for myself to help me feel more confident / able to do things on my own. I have spent most of my marriage feeling like a shadow person so I'm not that strong to be a ballbuster yet...but I'm getting there. Small steps every day!
Sorry if that doesn't make sense - so tired!
Here if you need a chat. Xx

As other have said, get some specific legal advice, maybe try
www.wikivorce.com/divorce
it might help you refine your options.

Waiting 2 years might not be necessary or the best thing to do, as it defers the financial settlement and makes you dependent on him. Most people cite unreasonable behaviour and give random reasons that meet the requirements.

A lot of people go for clean breaks these days. Generally this means securing a capital settlement rather than being dependent on an ex for ongoing spousal maintenance or maintaining the mortgage. The advantage is that you don't have to worry about him losing his job etc nor do you have the problem of having to pay over a large % of equity later in life (think house price increases). But there needs to be enough joint assets for this to be an option.

In relation to the mortgage, talk things over with an adviser. There may be scope to go interest only for a period or to extend the mortgage to 35 years. These are going to be limited options but they can exist. once you are earning more you can up payments and pay it off earlier.

You need legal advice but I can tell you about my UK divorce. I applied in October for divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behavior. Husband agreed to do this as we need to split the money for him to no longer be financially dependent on me. It cost me £500 court fees and I will need to pay my solicitor soon - I am expecting another £500. My husband hasn't contested anything but he could have refused to sign the papers which would have ended up costing me a lot more.

My decree Nisi went to court at the end of last week and I now need to do the Financial arrangement with the support of my solicitor. Husband and I have already agreed a fair split but without this formal arrangement he could come back later and claim some of my money. The financial arrangement needs to be done before I file for Decree Absolute. That can be done 6 weeks + 1 day after Decree Nisi granted.

All together this will have cost me £1k+ and that is with a very cooperative and reasonable STBXH.

You can claim some of the costs from your ex and it might be worth reminding him that challenging things in court costs money and if you aren't careful all of your joint money will be swallowed up and there will be nothing left to split.

Look at the rights for women website. They offer free legal advice

@Tiredeyes21 another reason I want to separate for two years before filing for divorce is the cost. I can't afford it at the moment.

Oh no my stomach is flipping right now I'm wavering thinking this is all a lot more scary and complicated than I thought. I'm worried I'm going to lose mine and my childrens home. I've had friends tell me oh you will be ok this and this and this will happen but I don't think they are right. So what are my opinions, stay in a unhappy marriage and accept that my husband calls me horrible names and belittles me on a regular basis? Thought I was being so strong now I'm freaking out!

@Amicrazyornot I think you are being incredibly brave. I know how you feel about being a shadow person. I went from being very independent to relying on him for everything. I'm not sure how it happened over the 8 years we've been together he's slowly taken over everything and now I find myself clueless as to our finances, even the running costs of the house. I do the weekly shop but even that is from a list he's given me! It started off like he was helping but he took over more and more and then he started to make me feel bad about it. Now I need to find my independence again but it's so hard an I'm having a right wobble tonight.
I think you are right with the baby steps, every little piece of independence taken back is a step forward in the right direction.
Do you want to continue with the counselling? We tried it last year but I stopped because I found it traumatic. He revelled in the opportunity to sound off about all his frustrations with me an how rubbish I was, he was hateful and aggressive and I found it so demeaning and embarrassing. He now says that because I was the one to end the counselling that its my fault we are where we are today. From the sound of it your H is doing the opposite and putting on a good face in the sessions?

Thank you @LemonTT for the link and @Dunin for the suggestion I will have a look at both.

If he is abusive, and it sounds like he is both emotionally and financially, then contact Womens Aid. They can give practical advice and support. Don't give up.

BTW you can apply for benefits if he stays on.

Don’t wobble OP. It sounds like you are very unhappy. Go get some proper legal advice so that you know where you stand

I think you are doing a lot better than you think you are - it can take a while for you to see that as being undermined and having your confidence chipped away does that to you.

Is there anyone in RL you can talk to? my H didn't want me to speak to anyone about the issues but I ignored him. It's helped me let some air out of my balloon so I don't pop! Also I was surprised that lots of people were willing to support me / help me - especially when I've had to push everyone away over the years. Just knowing that I've told other people makes me feel a little stronger.

I don't want to continue with the joint counselling - he was a mess in there and the counselor had to call an end to it to make sure he was OK. I think I am going to pursue individual counselling to help me find myself (sorry if that sounds ) but only way to explain it. I haven't been me for so long - minimising myself and my behaviours/personality to fit in with him.

I think mediation is going to be a better choice for us as we are so bad at communicating (when I have an opinion) that nothing gets decided. At least if there's a third party there we can ensure we are both heard.

Ultimately, if you have made your decision..it is your decision and he can't change that. In fact by being a knob he is only reinforcing that. It's working out the best way to make it work, especially for the kids.
Hope you have a good day. Always here for a chat if you need one xx

Had an awful night couldn't sleep going over and over everything in my head. Today we are meant to talk. I was going to tell him it's definitely over. He will be hoping I'll say let's give it another go.

I really need to seek legal advice I was silly not to have done this already. The financial side of things might be much more of an issue than I had 1st thought. I'm probably going to lose my home I'll probably have to move me and my children to a different area. This is huge for me and is it the right thing to do for the children.

My friends that I spoke to in RL made it all sound so easy and encouraged me this is what I need to do. I don't think they understand the impact it will have on us all.

Am I being selfish? Could I try harder? If I won some money I would be gone in a heartbeat but that's not going to happen. If I change my mind and stay I will be miserable and I will look a fool to those who know what is going on. But if I end it and we are made to move and live on the breadline I will be miserable too and my children will be affected. Which is the greater impact?