Practical advice on separation

[Itssnowjoke2me]

I am separating from my husband of 5 years. He doesn't want to separate and I think he is going to make things difficult. I'm really hoping and aiming to be as amicable as possible. It's taken me a long time to get to this point and be brave enough to make the decision to separate. I've had years of verbal abuse which hasn't changed since the birth of our youngest dc. Christmas was awful an the final straw now I am ready to call it a day. He does not want to and will try to convince me to stay. He will use pressure tactics and threaten to make things very difficult for me.

What I want to know is does anyone have any practical advice on standing my ground and making sure I'm not pressured. We've been close to splitting before and he's presented me with a list of options with a 2 day time limit to decide. I'm expecting something similar this time.

I've listed 3 main questions but I'm sure there are more things to consider as my head is in a bit of a spin at the moment so any advice would be appreciated.

Also I'm thinking to delay divorce for two years so we don't have to give a reason. I could easily file for unacceptable behaviour but I'd rather not as I'm hoping we can eventual be friends and co parent effectively.

1. Can I start the process to claim additional benefits while he is still in the house. (I work part time and don't earn enough to support on my own)

2 Am I entitled to stay in the house if I take over the mortgage payments? We have two children the youngest a year old. I'm the primary carer and work part time. Can he make me leave and force the sale?

3 Is it reasonable to expect him to help finantially with the children as I'm the one ending it? And does this include nursery costs?

Thanks for any advice

It is a very difficult choice, and one that only you can make. All I can do is offer my perspective as someone who went for the 'breadline' option. It is hard, of course it is. I had to take out a joint loan with XP to afford the deposit and first months rent on a place as he owned the family home before we met. I was flat broke for a few years and am still somewhat broke. It was hell, I won't lie and say it was easy.
But. But: there has never been a single moment when I have wished I made another choice. Not ONE TIME. It was the right thing for my child, so in a way I had to do it for him, but it was also the right thing for me and for me and DS as a family. Money is just... well, money. You can still give your children stability and peace even if you don't have much money because you are creating a space that is safe and happy and relaxed and that is priceless. Don't ever diminish the massive value that peace holds.

It's normal to wobble but I want to reassure you that if you wobble so hard you decide to stay, you can revisit that choice any time you like. You are in charge of your own future, no-one else. Good luck, OP.

Oh, and if you need to delay the talk, do so - seek legal advice before you have the chat so you feel calm and ready and know where you stand.

I second what RhubarbTea said. The 'talk' might be premature because it sounds like you haven't made a solid plan of action yet. You will definitely need to take legal advice, and make notes when you have that meeting. Don't ramble. Be clear on your questions.

Once he knows you want a divorce, he will likely start planning to protect his money/assets. This is easily done. Do not underestimate how difficult he could make things for you. This is a normal reaction from angry men. Postponing divorce proceedings will only give him more time to plan and frustrate any claims you may have against him.

Do you have your own bank account?
Do you have any savings of your own?

It is imperative that you start taking back control, step by step. Even if that means getting cash-back each time you go to the supermarket and squirrelling it away.

Being in a bad marriage to a controlling man is AWFUL. Removing yourself from the situation is never straightforward, but trust me, it's worth it.

@RhubarbTea thank you I do know in my heart it's the best for all of us if we separate. DD is too young to be affected at the moment but will be as she gets older, DS is unhappy and also is worried we'll have to move. I don't even mind having no money, the 'breadline' being a bit exaggerated example. Money would be very tight it will get slightly better when DD is 3 and we don't pay childcare. My main issue is if we had to move and what affect that would have on us all. I'm very lucky where I live, it's lovely here and I don't mean the house (the house actually is falling down around us but we got it so cheap for the area) before H I rented I council house in this area I was so lucky to get that house. This is the kind of place where there are only a handful of council houses and once people get in they never leave. I've lived in this area now for 15 years and my whole life is here. It's where I want my children to grow up. When we looked to buy a house we were very lucky to find this one, like I said it needs a lot of work doing but it's livable. Otherwise we would be priced out of the area completely. So now if I move I'll have to completely move areas and I'm so upset I gave up my previous house! I would have to make peace with myself over that and the fact we'll have to leave this area and accept that is the only way forward for us. I don't know if I'm quite there yet but I need to explore all other options first and figure out legally and finantially where I stand.

So I have called citizens advice again today and I got through. I've got a phone appointment with an advisor next Tuesday and he will also book me a free legal consultation. They have also given me the number for a local women's aid because I mentioned about the emotional and verbal abuse. I am hesitant to call them but will think about it. I am making steps to get myself informed and have the knowledge I need to make decisions. Feel so much better for doing that rather than just throwing my hands up and saying I can't do this!

@Sicario yes you and @RhubarbTea are right I need to delay the 'talk' I will wait till I've had these meetings and know legally my rights and financial position etc.
I do have my own bank account but no savings, neither has H, the only thing of value we have is the house. What I don't have is access to all the running costs, mortgage details etc so I will try and look around and see what I can find that will help me to start off with.

I will re word that to H has no savings that I know of.

I would say that you definitely need to start putting an escape/emergency fund together.

Try to get hold of bank statements to show income and monthly outgoings.

Make copies of all relevant documentation (marriage certificate, birth certificates, passports, land registry showing ownership of the house and how it is split).

Document incidences of his controlling/abusive behaviour so that you can be specific when you petition.

Hang on in there, remember to breathe, and have faith that the future holds better things for you and your children. Divorce is always a horrible business and there's no easy way to get around that.

I've just had a web chat with our mortgage provider an it's been clarified if house was signed over to me I would have to reapply on my own but they will take all forms of income as well as benefits as long as they can be evidenced. There is also another option where the house is signed to me but H stays on the mortgage and would still be liable for repayments which might be an option. Ie if I defaulted then I would leave and he would take over payments and have the house.
It's complicated and we do need legal advice but there are options. I feel so much more positive than I did this morning!

@Sicario next on my list is to look on laptop I think H keeps files with spreadsheets of all things financial on there. I also know where the mortagae stuff is I just need to dig it out. Making small steps, baby ones but still steps.

There is also another option where the house is signed to me but H stays on the mortgage and would still be liable for repayments which might be an option. Ie if I defaulted then I would leave and he would take over payments and have the house.

I have never seen an option where you are both on the mortgage and if you default/don'tbpay he just gets to take over.

You really need to get this double checked with a solicitor.

It would also mean he is tied to a house and can't get his own mortgage for well over a decade.

Glad you are feeling a bit more positive!
I tried citizens advice today and spent ages on hold. Will try again in the morning tomorrow.
I managed to speak to UC and advisor said that currently she would be inclined to not make a claim as still living together and not much has changed in household...however if he leaves or stops making contributions to running of household then I can apply.
Now trying to sort out a mediation session somewhere.
With you on the babysteps xx

If you have any evidence of domestic abuse like police crime numbers or court orders you may be able to claim legal aid. Get all your ducks in a row, collect any evidence of your husband's finances like his pay slips & bank statements before he gets chance to dispose of assets, keep things like passports, bank accounts, some cash, birth certificates somewhere that you can grab easily if the need arises, open a bank account & try to build up some money in case your husband freezes your joint account or you decide to move out & need a deposit., have some things like spare medication, clothes & all your documents where you can grab them should the need to arise to leave quickly. You need to have a serious think about what you will need to set up home on your own, even though things may be amicable at the moment, once solicitors get involved it can change quickly & unless you have all the evidence, you can lose out just when you need money the most.

@SillySallySingsSongs yeah if he stays on as a joint mortgage he can still sign it over to me and I pay. He's still liable so yes would have to agree to that an he probably would say no, most people would say no that's why it might not be well heard of. But it is an option if he were to agree. And I'm not talking about 10 years plus but maybe 2 years when I could be working full time and apply for mortgage on my own.

@Amicrazyornot did you get through to citizens advice today? I had to try a few times before I did but found calling at 10am when they open phone lines worked for me an I got through. The problem with waiting till he leaves to make a UC claim is that it takes about 6 weeks to process, would you mange in that time without that extra income. Would you be able to get a rough date he was going to move and then start claim so it's been processed just as he actually leaves?

@Nat6999 thank you some good advice but I wouldn't say it's at the point where I need to run. He is verbally and emotionally abusive but nothing else. I don't know what's going to happen it could get nasty verbally but I can't imagine it getting to the point where I have to run.

Also we don't have a joint account, I have my own but not in a position to save at the moment. I had a year off on maternity leave the last 3 months were unpaid and Christmas was coming up. I fronted for that and ran up an overdraft with the understanding that H said he was going to help me out with it. Then DC started nursery and he had to pay for that instead. So now I'm back at work partime and getting paid (low wage) but it will take me a couple of months to get my account out of overdraft, then I can save a little bit. Not good timing for me to decide I want to separate but I can't stay just because I'm broke. This is also why I can't afford a divorce and Im looking to separate first.

Speak to shelter & women's aid, they can help you to get somewhere if you do need to move out & women's aid can put you in touch with a solicitor so you get what you are entitled to & get a good settlement.

@snow - sounds like a really good option re the house, if he goes for it.

No didn't get through again (tried 3 times throughout the day). They have a good website though so trawled through that. Got poorly DC today so going to be difficult to get anything moving.
I think the issue for us is he doesn't WANT to move out (he says it's my decision, so why should he leave) & he wants to be near kids. Even if he agreed we have no savings for him to afford anywhere. So no, we would struggle waiting for benefits to kick in.
The only option I can see really is having to ask my extended family for a loan and just move. I suppose if I present him with that then he is forced to see I really am serious about it all. He is still carrying on as if everything is fine

@Amicrazyornot my H is the same he is carrying on like nothing has happened. Yesterday he was calling me hun (it made my skin crawl if im brutally honest) Today he was asking how my day was, and was I ok, do I need anything because I seem a little off? I find it so strange but I know it's because he's trying to show that we can go back to 'normal' again. We both have the same problem with our H's @Ami which is making them understand this is actually happening. Good that you have some family that you can reach out to for support. I know it's never a good feeling to have to ask for a lone but if you know it gives you a way out then definitely worth it. x

Oh @snow I know EXACTLY what you mean about the 'hun'
I have made myself abundantly clear to him I want a separation. However, it would seem he doesn't want to lose any of the control he currently feels he has, by leaving. I think he's relying on the fact that I don't want to upset the children & he's right I don't want to upset them...but I also cannot carry on like this.
Hope you are managing to eat / drink / sleep. Sending

Everything has just blown up here tonight. I'm sat in bedroom to keep out of his way. I've been called every name under the sun, he's threatened violence for the 1st time ever (said he'd smash my face into a wall) he's been kicking and punching doors, screaming at me, following me from room to room. He's finally left me alone and I am so shaken and feel like such a fool for thinking this was going to be amicable. It's only going to get worse isn't it! He's given me a list of options re the house etc. He said they automatically start from the 1st Feb so I have a week to try and organise myself. It's the weekend tomorrow so can't do much!

Have you got anywhere you can go - it sounds like it's best to get out of his way for now.

He can't force you to make choices about the house, try to stay calm.

Oh @snow!! Is there anywhere else you can stay? Did he do this in front of your DC?
Please let us know you are OK xx

As @vangogh says, he can't force you to do anything. Here if you need us. X

Thank you @VanGoghsDog and @Amicrazyornot I'm ok just a bit shaken but I should have seen it coming. I'll be ok tonight I'm in the bedroom with dd. She was asleep upstairs and ds (who's older, a teenager) was in his room out of the way but heard everything. I'm going to keep out of the way and he's out tomorrow night. I think he will calm down he usually does after a day or so. Next week I will do as much as I can to get ready for what's to come. I also have a number from work, it's a service for employees that offers free legal advice so I will give them a call asap see if they can help.

Hi

Sorry you have been put in this situation. I was reading a thread on here earlier and a few people mentioned a book called Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft.

I think it would give you a better understanding of your situation.

Best wishes

If you Google the Bancroft book you'll find a downloadable PDF of it.

Thanks @VanGoghsDog

Here is a link

www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

@itssnowjoketome have been worried about you. Hope your DS is OK too.

Sounds like a good idea to ring the advice line. Maybe it was just him coming to a realisation that you are serious and he obviously didn't handle it very well.

Thank you so much @vangoghsdog and @longtimelurkerhelen for the link to the Lundy book. I have downloaded too for a read.

Let us know how u are getting on today lovely xxx

Ok, hope you and your children are ok.

It must be scary but will convince you that you must leave. Does your DS see his own father? He may also need support so his school may be able to offer assistance. I would talk to them asap.

I hope you get legal assistance as his aggression can be grounds for further action.
One reason for leaving is that an abusive relationship can make you ill..liberally. the stress can trigger a whole range of illnesses. It has happened to me so for my children's sake I am so glad I left.

Let us know how you are