Practical advice on separation

[Itssnowjoke2me]

I am separating from my husband of 5 years. He doesn't want to separate and I think he is going to make things difficult. I'm really hoping and aiming to be as amicable as possible. It's taken me a long time to get to this point and be brave enough to make the decision to separate. I've had years of verbal abuse which hasn't changed since the birth of our youngest dc. Christmas was awful an the final straw now I am ready to call it a day. He does not want to and will try to convince me to stay. He will use pressure tactics and threaten to make things very difficult for me.

What I want to know is does anyone have any practical advice on standing my ground and making sure I'm not pressured. We've been close to splitting before and he's presented me with a list of options with a 2 day time limit to decide. I'm expecting something similar this time.

I've listed 3 main questions but I'm sure there are more things to consider as my head is in a bit of a spin at the moment so any advice would be appreciated.

Also I'm thinking to delay divorce for two years so we don't have to give a reason. I could easily file for unacceptable behaviour but I'd rather not as I'm hoping we can eventual be friends and co parent effectively.

1. Can I start the process to claim additional benefits while he is still in the house. (I work part time and don't earn enough to support on my own)

2 Am I entitled to stay in the house if I take over the mortgage payments? We have two children the youngest a year old. I'm the primary carer and work part time. Can he make me leave and force the sale?

3 Is it reasonable to expect him to help finantially with the children as I'm the one ending it? And does this include nursery costs?

Thanks for any advice

Have just read your thread OP sorry what you're going through. Its known that men who are not normally violent can suddenly ramp it up when it comes to leaving them. His threatening violent behaviour last night was unacceptable. You should report this domestic violence to the police. I believe
If theres a record of abuse this can enable you to get legal aid. I think you also need to tell your GP, they can confirm domestic abuse with a letter. Then call Womens Aid to advise on solicitors who deal with these issues.
Please dont minimise this behaviour, it was truly appalling, especially your poor son hearing it. You deserve all the help you can. Good luck op xx

@Amicrazyornot thank you I'm ok didn't sleep a lot but that was because DD is full of cold. H not up yet but I'm stealing myself for when he is. He has gone off on front of DD before so it was just coincidence that she was asleep last night. I will be ready yo walk out of the door an into car if he starts anything again.
Ds is ok I spoke to him last night obviously he is worried about me but I've assured him that we ALL will be ok and we will. But I need us to be living separately asap because I don't want ds to hear or witness any more of Hs outbursts. It's the saddest thing,my mum asked ds if he would miss H as they have always been very close. Ds said that he would miss who H used to be but that he was missing him already. Broke my heart to hear that.

@vangoghsdog and @longtimelurkerhelen thank you so much for the link. I started reading it last night. What a revelation to see the type of abuser my H is written down! Many times I've wondered is it me, I'm imagining it, it's normal, its my fault etc. But there is is in print an I was able to exactly pinpoint which type my H is. I look forward to reading the rest and hopefully gain some insight on how to deal with my situation better. One thing for sure is I will not be blaming myself any longer!

@lifebegins50 thank you, we are ok and yes there is absolutely no chance of us staying together, I'm definitely convinced that we are separating and asap. Im also going to look jnto some counselling for ds when this is all done so he can talk thpugh all that he's had to witness, he will definitely benifit from that. Luckily he is quite emotionally mature but I don't want this to affect him in the future. So glad to hear that you left your own situation, did you find it difficult or easy to do and did your X get worse throughout that process?

@crystalize thank you I will consider reporting it so there is a record, they wouldn't speak to him would they it just gets recorded? Not wanting to do anything to exacerbate the situation but I do want to protect myself and my children. If this behaviour is going to ramp up even more I'm not sure what he might do.

The school can help with counseling for ds, talk to them sooner rather than later.

So sorry to hear OP, if you do report it to police they potentially would speak to him yes. Threats of violence are a criminal offence,that your DS heard him saying.
Your H could end up being interviewed re everything. Personally I would explore this route... but only you know how H would react to all this.

Thinking of you OP... remember you’ve got this 💪💪

Call the police. They deal with men like him all the time. But more importantly they will take your wants and decisions into account. They will give you options and you will start to take back power. He has a lot to lose by this behaviour and in calmer moments he will know it.

Don’t expect him to take responsibility for his behaviour, he won’t. Ever. He will blame you. But he will act selfishly and his fear of being exposed and dealt with may keep him in his box. Use this time to end things. Don’t use it to think he has changed. Get him out and get divorced.

@snow - so glad to hear from you and that you are OK. He should be utterly ashamed of himself this morning.
You have completely got this. Here if you need me x

My advice is never agree maintenance between yourselves if your reasons for leaving are based on unreasonable controlling behaviour. Get CMS to arrange this right from the beginning. It's also likely to be more fair that way.
Moving forward, the less you depend on him the better.

@Itssnowjoke2me Glad you are finding it useful, at least now you won't waste energy wondering and agonising over "is it me?" Knowledge is power. If your dh does start being physically violent, please call he police, it is not worth the risk. That way as @crystalize said, it will at the very least enable access to legal aid etc.

@Amicrazyornot you are welcome, hope you find it useful.

Here is a link to an article about registering your phone so you can call 999 silently. You must register your phone first, please do this asap, you never know when you might need it.

Stay safe

metro.co.uk/2017/05/26/how-to-silently-alert-police-or-an-ambulance-in-an-emergency-6664488/

Here is another link to an article if you need police in an emergency and you can't speak.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-wales-44871218

Hi snow, like LemonT said, the police are there to help you and give you options. Try not to be afraid, it is vital that this incident is logged. He has already started getting physically violent, punching kicking doors etc, screaming in your face is one step away from punching you.
I do urge you to see yr doc too. I read another post about a woman in similar position whose solicitor told her to get a letter from the GP as proof which enabled the Legal aid. Get as much help out there you can.
I know in the past I delayed reporting my ex as he didn't actually hit me but I didn't realise how damaging the mental emotional torture was. As soon as I started getting serious and involving the police, he would scurry away like the coward he was.

Just checking in @snow. Hope today has been calm. Sending AND

Thanks for the support everyone and sorry I've not checked back in till now I've been busy with dd who is full of cold and only just settled down.

Barely saw H today he was out most of the day came back for half an hour and went out again. All he said to me as he was walking out the door was We need to talk tomorrow. Oh and this Morning he said I'm sorry I shouted last night, and that's it.

I rang the employee service number I got from work and I've been given a phone appointment on Monday with a legal advisor.

I also got on the laptop to look for the spreadsheets on house running costs / mortgage etc but they have gone. He must have deleted them. There is a word document from our mortgage provider but it's password protected. I'm going to have to ask him to provide me with all that information. What if he is not forthcoming with it?
Oh and @Ami cake and wine would be amazing right now 😁

That emoji is not what I thought haha I should have just done a

@snow - glad you are OK lovely. Well done for sorting the appointment out - let's hope they have something positive for you.
Don't forget to look after yourself - eat and drink etc - as you are doing all the looking after for your DD.
Will check in tomorrow xx

Hope you are doing OK today @snow xx

Hi not having the best day here if I'm honest. Not slept for 3 days, dd is poorly and I feel like I'm coming down with something myself.

Had talk with H earlier he said he was sorry for shouting the other night and he didn't mean it, it's just words, it's just what you say when you're angry and he's not really going to smash my face into a wall. He still loves me and is hoping to work things out. I said that's not going to work so he says that's on me that I'm splitting our family up. He said if I could just change we wouldn't butt heads and he wouldn't react the way he does. Cause and effect he says. I said it's ever decreasing circles there is always going to be something that annoys him.

So he has made it clear that I have to start paying half towards the mortgage as of next week. He knows I can't untill I claim additional benefits. He said if I don't he'll let it go to default. I said I didn't have it an he said well you better ask your parents. Then he said he won't be moving out because he doesn't want to rent. He wants me to give him 12k and he'll sign the house to me. He knows I haven't got 12k and that I wouldn't be accepted for the mortgage on my own at the moment. He wants me to take 6k and sign the house over to him. He said I won't get 50% of the house because he's been paying the mortgage and what I have contributed elsewhere doesn't count. He said the divorce laws are different now an it's not a 50/50 split.

Nothing I can do now till I get some legal advice tomorrow.

Hope everyone else is having a better weekend. @Ami how's things with you?x

Ask him to put his offer in writing. Then explain you are seeing a solicitor and will be getting advice about it and his recent behaviour. Still go to the police. He is being coercive. The offer is just an nicer way to threaten and be abusive.

Report it to the police. He can be removed from the house and there are ways to sort out the mortgage

Sorry but I think you're being naive and overly optimistic.

Get a lawyer ASAP and a good one at that (ask friends & family who's divorces went fairly well for recommendations or even name change & ask on here with location)

"Can I start the process to claim additional benefits while he is still in the house." In theory you can but all finances & living arrangements have to be as they would be for 2 flat mates sharing not in a relationship and from your description I can see him telling dwp you're lying.

"Am I entitled to stay in the house if I take over the mortgage payments?" Not necessarily - you REALLY need legal advice on this.

"Is it reasonable to expect him to help finantially with the children as I'm the one ending it? And does this include nursery costs?" Its reasonable to expect it, it's highly unlikely to happen. Is he employed? Self employed? Even getting maintenance can be difficult.

He is NOT your ally any longer, don't tell him anything you don't have to.

1 open a separate bank account of your own with a completely different banking group to his

2 get a good lawyer. Do NOT agree to anything without checking with lawyer first. NOT using a lawyer could well end up far more expensive than using one. Especially with a house involved. It's utter folly to divorce without using a lawyer if there's children, property involved. Any decent lawyer will tell you that. You don't have to use one you're not comfortable with though.

3 gather all important papers and keep safely (wedding and birth certificates, passports, bank & savings statements, mortgage papers etc)

4

"You don't need to prove it" sorry but that's rubbish! Otherwise married & co-habiting couples all over the country could claim fraudulently. I'm a Lp and I've regularly had home visits to check I really am living alone even with no reports made. They are entitled to check bank statements etc too.

You may well feel emotionally stronger once you know where you stand legally & financially than if you try to talk to him now.

Anyone who says divorce is easy is lying or hasn't been through one. It can be straightforward but it's never easy, nobody marries thinking they'll divorce.

But that doesn't mean it isn't worth doing. Mine was 2 years of hell but i don't regret it at all

"he's been kicking and punching doors, screaming at me" that's violence. You can call the police when he's doing this. Also if you get a record of dv establish you might be able to get legal aid for the divorce.

These people are apparently good in situations like yours. Apparently can be particularly helpful in getting abusers removed from the marital home. I believe it's a service run by lawyers.

www.ncdv.org.uk

"I also got on the laptop to look for the spreadsheets on house running costs / mortgage etc but they have gone. He must have deleted them. There is a word document from our mortgage provider but it's password protected." Nothing is ever really deleted. Sometimes if you email from a computer with deleted files on when you go to do an attachment the deleted or old copies of those files can be available to add as attachments (I've done this when I've accidentally deleted stuff) other more techy mners might be able to tell you other ways to track down deleted documents.

If you're joint owner and it's a joint mortgage, then the mortgage company will just give you the documents.

You don't need the house 'running costs', you can guess them very easily. It's not relevant to anything though, you're entitled to 50% f the house, you might find in a divorce a judge allows you to stay, while he pays for it, until your DC is 18.

You definitely need a lawyer.

Realised my previous post was full of typos..sorry.

Yes Ex got much, much worse through divorce, the loss of control meant he escalated to scary levels. All it did was convince me I had made the right decision but it was terrifying at times.
As you have a short marriage 50% may not be valid but your pre marriage time counts and you will need a housing solution for your baby.
Can you find out the info from mortgage company, rather than speak to him. I suspect he will just frustrate or mislead you.
Do you know house value and if he has pensions? You are likely to be entitled to 50% accrued during marriage term.

Another poster here spoke to Gingerbread and they were able to offer advice on benefits so that is a route to go.
Let him threaten to default on the mortgage, a court would look on that very negatively if he deliberately chose to jeopardise the house just to be spiteful. If he sees a solicitor he will also be told that.

The best advice I had when living through the pre separation period was to "observe not absorb".
Try and stand back and see what tactics he is using to control or frighten you. I would highly recommend Patricia Evans "the verbally abusive relationship" as it highlights all the abusive tactics.

Has he been married before? If so how did it end?

@LemonTT he sent me the whole list of options in txt so does that count as in writing?

@Graphista yes I was being nieve, that's changed in the last few days. I realise how how difficult this will be. Thank you for advice and the link.

@VanGoghsDog I want the runnung costs so I can work out if I can afford to run this house along with paying the mortgage on my own. Stupidly since we moved here 4 years ago I let him take over everything and I do not have a clue but he keeps telling me this house is very expensive to run. I have started looking around online to get an idea and actually found Zoopla do a running cost on each house so I'm looking at similar houses in the area. Not surprisingly I'm working it out as a lot less than he's saying. He has said he'll send me his own spreadsheets tomorrow. He said he won't change them but I don't believe that. I will also speak to our mortgage provider this week too.

I was looking online and came across this

Mesher order: a Mesher order is a family court order that prevents the home being sold for a set period of time, usually because the couple separating still have children living in the home. Mesher orders mean one person is allowed to stay in the property with the children until a certain point - normally when the youngest child turns 18 or finishes secondary education, though sometimes it could even be higher education. The property stays in both parties’ names for this time, even if only one person is currently living in the property.

This could be handy to know and I will ask the legal advisor about it tomorrow.

@lifebegins50 "observe not absorb". Brilliant advice. I always try not to engage when he's hurling insults and lies about me. Sometimes I do answer back because it's natural instinct to be defensive and say that's not true but I will not answer any of his insults and character deformation anymore. I know he wants to hurt me and he wants me to react. I know he will use other tactics too so I will watch, observe and not take anything into my heart.
I'm sorry you had such a bad experience but like you said so worth it in the end. I'm really starting to mentally prepare myself for what's to come and I know it's going to get hard.

Oh and yes he had an ex (not married) of 14 years before me and.... she was crazy, wouldn't let him leave, threatened to kill herself, had him trapped, begged him to stay. Then one morning she told him, completely out the blue, I'm leaving you. She did and I don't think she ever looked back. Obviously everything he said about her wasn't true and she put up with many more years of abuse than I have. We've been together 8 years, married 5. He's even said to me I treat you so much better than I did my ex, I was angry all the time when we were together but if I'd treated her as good as I treat you we'd still be together. I know I've been so stupid but in my defence he hid who he really was for a very long time, but the warnings were there if I knew what to look for.

Yes, you can really estimate the running costs fairly closely. Council tax will be on the council website. Maybe ask a neighbour which band their house is if you can't see it on Zoopla?

Gas and electric depends what you use of course, but they all show estimates, plus water (if metered estimate, if rates easy to get), phone and BB well whatever deal you arrange.

You need copies of his bank statements to go along with his spreadsheets really. I have spreadsheets which I keep up to date, but I always overcook the numbers so I'm never short, IYSWIM.

If you can do it without him finding out, I would voice record when he is being abusive as this is good evidence of abuse.

Best wishes