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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Had an affair...its a mess

108 replies

Cosmicunicorn321 · 20/01/2019 17:09

Im not married but have a partner of 8 years and a dd. Om is married 3 kids, older.

Ive been having moatly an emotional affair but we kissed a few times.
I told dp everything and he basically rolled over and forgave me but i find living with the guilt hard and im not over the om.
Om wont leave his wife due to financial reasons and most importantly his children. He said he wanted space for 3 months whilst he figures out if he wants to stay or go. I told him to leave me alone completely.

Dp says im distant and dont show him affection. Ive told him im sorry but im grieving for the om. I love them both but im not in love with dp and told him he doeant deserve this and deserves far better....he still doesnt want to leave. He just wants me to love him.
I think om is the problem and once im over him i can get back to normal but this isnt fair on anyone and i feel like a terrible person. I told dp i will need time to heal but he wants me to start showing him i love him now.
If i leave i will upset dd, financially struggle and upset our immediate families. I dont know where to turn or what to say or think anymore.
I owe it to my dp to try and put the effort in but i feel so much grief for this man and guilt at the same time.
What is the best course of action?

OP posts:
Sarah22xx · 20/01/2019 17:13

I feel sad for your partner, I was in your partners shoes this time a year ago, its hard and I feel like I'm not their person I was...

TaintforTheLikesOfWe · 20/01/2019 17:15

Is DP the bio father to DD OP?

SuperSuperSuper · 20/01/2019 17:16

Hi OP. What were the reasons for the EA? You haven't explained. I'm just wondering whether your relationship is salvageable.

Singlenotsingle · 20/01/2019 17:18

What about the 4 children who would all be devastated by losing their fathers? This could all end in disaster!

Original poster
Cosmicunicorn321 · 20/01/2019 17:22

Yes he is why?
I dont know the reasons for the ea. Dp is brilliant. Hes loyal, hes kind, hes a decent dad. He works hard. Sure he has annoying habits but who doesnt.
I do not understand why this is happening.

I just dont feel in love with dp but i do love him. Do i want to snog his face off and rip his clothes off? No i dont.

OP posts:
LatentPhase · 20/01/2019 17:23

What’s behind this EA? What did it offer that yr relationship with DP didn’t?

If your brain is a mess maybe you should leave temporarily and sort your head out. Can you stay with friends and give yourself and DP space?

Boysandbuses · 20/01/2019 17:23

Woah...You told your Dp that YOU need time to heal? Wtf?

Your are treating your Dp badly. You know it would be kinder to leave him.

Surely you should have thought about the consequences on your daughter and finances before you started your affair?

You should leave your partner. He deserves someone who loves him

Original poster
Cosmicunicorn321 · 20/01/2019 17:23

I know....im not proud of what i have done.
Nobody is leaving for anyone. We cant do that to our children.

OP posts:
LatentPhase · 20/01/2019 17:24

Sorry, cross-post with OP.

How long has it been since you felt not attraction to DP?

ladybee28 · 20/01/2019 17:26

Do i want to snog his face off and rip his clothes off? No i dont

That's not love - I feel like that about Idris Elba but I'm not in love with him.

Loving someone is something you do, not something that happens to you and you have no control over.

What would TRULY loving your partner, who you say you do love, look like, in practice?

Original poster
Cosmicunicorn321 · 20/01/2019 17:28

I never thouhht about the attraction thing until i had the attraction for om. Was never interested in anyone no matter how attractive because i was happy with dp.

I had an early miscarriage and the attraction for the om started 6 weeks later. I dont know if that has been some sort of trigger. Ive not been the same person but im not devestated about the mc, just put it down to one of them things. But my life has turned upside down since.

OP posts:
TheDes · 20/01/2019 17:38

Don’t know if you’ve seen my thread...but in terms of trying to get over someone I try to get through each day and keep as busy as possible, sport helps and anything where you have to concentrate so can’t think about OM. Don’t idolise him, try to think of his faults or if he ever treated you badly. Think it is only time that will help.

mediawhore · 20/01/2019 17:38

How well do you know the om? How long have you been seeing him?

Is it possible it is just infatuation/excitement/something different from the heartache of the miscarriage rather than love? And if so is it worth destroying 2 families? Does his wife know?

I know it is hard but surely the bets way to avoid the om totally (I assume you are doing this already - if you’re both staying put then you have to).

Does your dp want to try to save things?

SkinnyPete · 20/01/2019 17:46

Gonna take a different slant on this.

Your DP needs to strap a pair on and focus on not just being a carer/provider and be someone you fancy and hit your buzzer. Like the other chap is!

We all get lost in life, but DP needs to find his mojo, and likely not just with you, but life in general.

AnyFucker · 20/01/2019 17:54

Your partner should leave you, particularly since you describe him as having "rolled over" and forgiven you

It is clear you have only contempt for him and if he was the one posting here he would be advised to offload you to the far side of fuck

Closetbeanmuncher · 20/01/2019 17:54

Hey @SkinnyPete, maybe he's been "emasculated" Grin

He "rolled over" and you told him you needed time to grieve the end of an affair??

Wowsers...

This just smacks of blatant disrespect towards your partner, I think you should end the relationship and let him find someone who can respect him and remain loyal.

AnyFucker · 20/01/2019 17:56

closet you and I appear to be of the same mind on many threads. Are you my MN twin ? Smile

SkinnyPete · 20/01/2019 17:56

@closetbeanmuncher maybe... I ain't assuming shit though Grin

Hopoindown31 · 20/01/2019 17:59

@skinnypete

What are you basing your assessment on the DP not 'being enough'?

My view is that the OP is bloody lucky her DP is willing to forgive her. If she wants her relationship to work with him she needs to sort her shit out first rather than having her head filled with ideas that both justify her affair and give her expectations that her DP is the one that needs to step up.

OP sort yourself out and work on your relationship being grateful of a second chance that you may not have been given or leave if you can't bring yourelf to do that. Your DP deserves your integrity if nothing else and he certainly doesn't need your pity party about your lost love.

Snappedandfarted2019 · 20/01/2019 18:02

You clearly don’t love him and even respect him if you did you would leave but you don’t want the backlash that comes with it.

Beansandcoffee · 20/01/2019 18:04

Let your DP find someone else to love and care for as you clearly do not. You need to leave and set up somewhere else to live (as we tell women on here whose Hs have had affairs). Your DP should stay in the house until you can afford to sell it and you share your DD 50:50. To say to your DP that you are grieving for the OM is unbelievably cruel and I say that as someone who was told the same thing by my now ex H.

SkinnyPete · 20/01/2019 18:06

@Hopoindown31

Attraction is really important, as is security and fondness. We seem to let life get in the way of attraction though, which this 'sounds' like.

I don't mean just looking good (although that can be a big part of it). I mean attractive behaviour. Rolling over insipidly and forgiving your partner of infidelity reiks of neediness, which ain't attractive.

mummmy2017 · 20/01/2019 18:08

Your making the OM out to be the be all and end all, your giving him in your mind a fantasy figure of how wonderful he made you feel, but he does not feel this way a out you.
Your 2nd place to his wife and his family....
You need to see your DC must be your priority not a lust figure who has used you will use you if you again if you let him.
Look at the man who you married, look for the good in him, and find some things to do as a family, little adventures to make you happy for hours at a time. Tiny, baby steps to see if you do want the family life you once had...
Your saying time to heal, but really you need to forgive yourself and look forward, not sit and wait for someone who pushed you a side, even if he left to be with you, he would have resented being made to leave and this would poison a relationship where so many people got hurt.

AtrociousCircumstance · 20/01/2019 18:12

I think this kind of obsessed attraction can often be borne of trauma/intense stress.

See it for what it is.

Coronapop · 20/01/2019 18:12

I think you owe it to both DC and DP to try harder to make the relationship work. You could blame the EA on hormones if it helps. IMO it is a case of training your brain to focus on all the good things about your DP and your family, and try to reach out to him physically (cuddles etc if not sex). Keep busy and distract yourself every time thoughts of OM creep in. Block OM in case he contacts you.