Had an affair...its a mess

[Cosmicunicorn321]

Im not married but have a partner of 8 years and a dd. Om is married 3 kids, older.

Ive been having moatly an emotional affair but we kissed a few times.
I told dp everything and he basically rolled over and forgave me but i find living with the guilt hard and im not over the om.
Om wont leave his wife due to financial reasons and most importantly his children. He said he wanted space for 3 months whilst he figures out if he wants to stay or go. I told him to leave me alone completely.

Dp says im distant and dont show him affection. Ive told him im sorry but im grieving for the om. I love them both but im not in love with dp and told him he doeant deserve this and deserves far better....he still doesnt want to leave. He just wants me to love him.
I think om is the problem and once im over him i can get back to normal but this isnt fair on anyone and i feel like a terrible person. I told dp i will need time to heal but he wants me to start showing him i love him now.
If i leave i will upset dd, financially struggle and upset our immediate families. I dont know where to turn or what to say or think anymore.
I owe it to my dp to try and put the effort in but i feel so much grief for this man and guilt at the same time.
What is the best course of action?

Do you genuinely mean that though? If so then make sure you never see om again. Give him a chance to save his marriage too.

Have you seen him since you broke up?? Been in touch? My situation was similar but different but the first two weeks of total no contact was hardest. I’m lucky as I found out the om was A total shit. Def lucky escape. It felt like love it really did. But I did what was best and realised infatuation and lust would not make the relationship.

Did you actually read her posts?

Yes, I did. And I've an emotional affair and been in a position where my heart felt like it was breaking, and I had a DP and a family. And while she has felt that it was ok to break her DPs heart, I have always chosen to keep my AP and my affair a secret.

What I have chosen to do could tear my family apart if it became known so I will hide it, to chose to flaunt pain from a broken heart due to someone else seems callous in the extreme.

I don't think she does love her DP. She has chosen not only to fall for someone else (which I have also done) but then throw it in his face

I told dp everything and he basically rolled over and forgave me

That's a revolting way to describe his forgiveness.

Dp says im distant and dont show him affection. Ive told him im sorry but im grieving for the om

That would be enough for me and I would tell you to fuck off.

No i havent saw him or been in contact. Like you say let him work on his marriage too. I need to let him go.

I think keeping an affair a secret worse tbh. My dp has told me he appreciates honesty no matter how brutal. Its his choice then to make what ever decision he likes reguarding our relationship. If he decides to leave then i have to respect that. You reap what you sow, ive been a shit....but lieing to him for the rest of our lives, no i dont think thats the way for me personally.

Its the OM who risks destroying his family and hurting his kids. They are his responsibility and his relationship. I would much rather my DP left me to re-start my life than be thinking about another woman instead of me. Relationships don't always last and emotions are complicated. It amazes me how people can be so judgemental. In an ideal world this stuff would not happen but people are more complicated than that. People who end up in affairs suffer too - it is not all fun and games.
I'm a single parent and my DP went off with another woman. Good riddance to him because I didn't like him anyway. My kids are not traumatised. They have a decent life and love their step sisters.
I think some people on here would like to see a public stoning for women who dare to have an affair with a married man.

not in favour of a public stoning- I think affairs hurt the person more than any stoning will. They never work out- AP rarely leave for the OM/OW and this will happen to OP. OM isn't coming back- the 3 month thing is a get out line. He probably hasn't thought about OP in that time. She will eat herself up thinking about OM who just moved on without a care and will most likely be with the next one now.
If OP was happy, that is one thing-she isn't and has been awful to her DP who should be the one to leave. He wont-they never do either. IRL everyone just plods on unhappy. Who needs a stoning.....OP has run into concrete

And yet I know of three happily married couples that started as affairs.

Leave your DP because you don't love him. If you loved him you would never have started an affair in the first place let alone continued one. This other man may have actually realised what he's doing is incredibly wrong and he wants to stop it. You however were happy to continue this affair whatever the costs. You don't deserve your DP and there's no sugar-coating that.