Had an affair...its a mess

[Cosmicunicorn321]

Im not married but have a partner of 8 years and a dd. Om is married 3 kids, older.

Ive been having moatly an emotional affair but we kissed a few times.
I told dp everything and he basically rolled over and forgave me but i find living with the guilt hard and im not over the om.
Om wont leave his wife due to financial reasons and most importantly his children. He said he wanted space for 3 months whilst he figures out if he wants to stay or go. I told him to leave me alone completely.

Dp says im distant and dont show him affection. Ive told him im sorry but im grieving for the om. I love them both but im not in love with dp and told him he doeant deserve this and deserves far better....he still doesnt want to leave. He just wants me to love him.
I think om is the problem and once im over him i can get back to normal but this isnt fair on anyone and i feel like a terrible person. I told dp i will need time to heal but he wants me to start showing him i love him now.
If i leave i will upset dd, financially struggle and upset our immediate families. I dont know where to turn or what to say or think anymore.
I owe it to my dp to try and put the effort in but i feel so much grief for this man and guilt at the same time.
What is the best course of action?

Yes mummmy agree above 100%.

You say the om wouldn’t leave for financial reasons and kids. That’s what he’s told you...

Read up on limerance. And whether you stay with oh or not avoid any contact/communication with om. Maybe you can salvage your relationship. Talk about the miscarriage and other issues. Or walk away without destroying lots of other lives.

The cruellest thing in what you wrote OP, was 'he just rolled over and forgave me'. Pretty speechless. If you are a regular MN reader you must have seen the immense pain caused by affairs, yet you belittle your partner for forgiving you. Either your DP doesn't care or loves you so deeply that he is prepared to overlook YOUR indiscretion, but he has feeling and must be devastated by YOUR actions.
Whether you stay or go, start considering other people and not just yourself. Sounds like OM doesn't want you- by the way you speak of your 'dp' I am surprised he still does.

Quite possibly @anyfucker

We are both allergic to nonsense for sure!

Sorry to hear about your miscarriage.

However, running into another man's arms is not the solution.

That's 2 families and 4 kids whose lives you are about to turn upside down, never mind the deep hurt caused to the partners you both professed to love once.

Dp is brilliant. Hes loyal, hes kind, hes a decent dad. He works hard.

Looks like you won one in the lottery of life.

Take care. There will be a queue for him.

You have to make a choice in life, and that includes not hanging on to people under false pretences who deserve much better.

As a LP I say it's much better to raise a child alone cos you are teaching them integrity than sneaking about while pretending to play happy families.

The OM is married. You're saying given the chance you'd break apart a husband and wife that have kids together?

My advice is,
If you really love the OM tell the OM to sort out his marriage with his wife, he seems to care about his family. I suggest counselling for that. He loved his wife enough to have three kids with her and marry her too. Don't you want him to be happy?

As for you and your partner, if you don't think you love him, did you ever? Try to revive the love by doing things as a family (include DD, would be unfair to make her feel left out). after a few months it will give you the opportunity to figure out if your relationship with your current partner is the right relationship for you and in the meantime you can try and sort out your financial situation.

If in the end things don't work out you can call things off and you might find SINGLE man thats right for you - could happen! You know, one that being with won't break apart a family

Hope all goes well

Wow you gave your poor DP the 'I love you but am not in love with you' crap that every cheat spouts.

End things with your DP, give him a chance to heal, move on and find someone who loves and respects him.

He deserves better.

Ive told him i will leave. He deserves better than this. He doesnt want me to. He wants me to put effort into saving things. He says he loves me and will forgive me.
He wants more affection.
I have to try for my familys sake. Trust me the guilt of this is eating me up. I will never forgive myself.

I don"t believe you

No @anyfucker this is 100% truth

You’re stying because om wants to keep his family. I think he said he would leave them for you, you would go in a heartbeat

It’s still raw. I wouldn’t make any rash decisions.

Forget about om. He’s clearly been leading you on for whatever reason. Whether he’s happy at home or not he’s chosen to stay and you need to respect that. Don’t even be tempted to contact or see him. If you are still in touch that needs to stop for your own benefit too.

Good luck. It’s tough but if you choose to not be with your partner you need to avoid other people’s.

Whether he wants you to or not, you should leave. Let him be with someone who actually appreciates him for who he is!

OP, how old are you? You sound very young or your DP is very young. Which one is it?

So in short you've ground his self esteem down to dust and now you want to jump ship because he's not giving you the drama you hoped would ensue from your 'announcement'

Mills and boon on LSD....

Jesus fucking wept

The om said he wants to leave. Cried and said he loves me but i said to him he needs to take me out of the picture and leave only because he is unhappy. Once he calculated the costs he realised he would be putting his family in the shit financially. I told him i wouldnt go to him if he left anyway.
I have behaved awfully i know. I dont want to cause any more upset.
Om and i agreed to have no contact. Its hard and i feel like im grieving. Obviously my dp sees this and knows something is wrong. He always wants me to be honest no matter how painful....im not sure thats been the best thing really and no it hasnt eased my guilt, its made it worse seeing hia reaction.
I feel if om out the picture we could make it work if i tried. He does deserve hell of a lot more so i need to think if hurting him short term will help him in the future.

Stop feeling do sorry for yourself! "I'll never forgive myself". Come on and wake up. You can mope about feeling dreadful and making your dp's life even more miserable or you can get over yourself and start to save your family.

Stop comparing om to dp. Your obsessing over your imagined om and comparing it to daily life.

I can't believe your dp hasn't kicked you out to be honest. Your very very lucky he hasn't so if you want to make it work get your head out of self-pity mode and start to earn your dp back.

Stop thinking about the om. Tell yourself his feet stink or something else you would hate about him. Keep your grief to yourself and start respecting your dp. If you can't do this you need to get out of the relationship until you can. Do not put anymore or your hurt into your dp. That is so selfish and no it doesn't make you feel better.

@wouldyouorshouldyou I can't believe your dp hasn't kicked you out to be honest. Your very very lucky he hasn't

Based on what I've read so far, I wouldn't be surprised if this chap has very low self esteem and doesn't value himself at all.

Without him changing, I think the best the OP could hope for would be a content relationship. I think she's past that, unless her sense of security kicks in.

Im not judging you OP - we all make mistakes.

There's a reason why you had this affair and you need to work out what it is. Posdibly this OM had been giving you something that you're not getting from your relationship - you need to get to the root cause here.

Despite your partner wanting it to work out between you, you need to figure out if your relationship really is salvageable. Something needs to change - otherwise you risk this happening all over again possibly years down the line, wasting years of your OHs life when he could've been free to meet someone else

@Cosmicunicorn321 you sound really miserable and I do sympathise. It sounds as if you're in a lot of pain and grieving for OM.

But once upon a time you felt strongly enough about your DP to have a child with him. I agree with PPs that the real victim here is your partner and OM's wife, but I think you know that already and don't need to be hammered into the ground anymore.

Decide whether you want to make things work with your DP. Work our whether the thing that is missing, the thing that led you to seek "something else", is retrievable. And if it is, put your heart and soul into making a better life for you, your DP and your daughter. If you think you can't get it back, and you won't be able to be a happy family again, set your DP free. One day he'll find true happiness again, as will you.

Think very carefully though - you are so very lucky to have a choice in this.

Not grieving for OM but grieving for a fantasy, which makes it sound like an excuse to continue to behave badly (or at least not very well) towards her caring DP.

Op's only concern is for herself. That is quite clear.

Sorry but you need to see the OM for the loser he is... He strung you on, then tried to use you to decide he should leave... This is classic so he can lay all the blame on you, night after night, before he tells you that he is going back as he misses his children.... And needs to put them first....
You have dodged a massive bullet, but your his excitement from his dull life. Can you not see how badly he has treated his wife, and how he was using you as well....
You told your husband, you were never supposed to do that, bet he never told his wife.... You were never supposed to make it real...
Get angry at being used by this bloke.
Ask your DH to go on some dates, maybe for lunch, take your child out as a family,
Think this man you still care about, how will you feel seeing him in the arms of another woman. Her playing happy families in your place.... Putting your child to bed, while you sit home alone.... This is your life live it.

Show your partner some respect and leave him.

Then find some self respect for yourself.

You say that "if om was out of the picture you could save your marriage" (I paraphrase).. Om IS OUT OF THE PICTURE... He has gone back to his wife, he didn't want the hassle of splitting up.

So why are you acting like he is still an option and your still in an affair with him?

Your in fantasy fog.... Affairs trigger huge surges of endorphins in our brain. Most dopamine.. When it ends we have withdrawal and it causes this fog... You can only think about tgat person.. You are grieving for your star crossed lover who nobley sacrificed his great love for you so as to protect his innocent children.... Oh ffs OP... Its none of tgat twaddle... Its a chemical storm in your brain that's making you feel like this.

Sorry but om probably thinks he has swerved a bullet... And you told your dh in the hope he'd throw you out and you could be damsel in distress and om would ride in on white charger to rescue you.

You can wait out the brain fog and the affairy fantasy and then reconnect with your dh... And you need to be doing all the hard work here.
Or you leave.. You say dh doesn't want you too... But you can pack a bag and go you know.
Stop making it about your guilt.. Your not guilty your self indulgent