Had an affair...its a mess

[Cosmicunicorn321]

Im not married but have a partner of 8 years and a dd. Om is married 3 kids, older.

Ive been having moatly an emotional affair but we kissed a few times.
I told dp everything and he basically rolled over and forgave me but i find living with the guilt hard and im not over the om.
Om wont leave his wife due to financial reasons and most importantly his children. He said he wanted space for 3 months whilst he figures out if he wants to stay or go. I told him to leave me alone completely.

Dp says im distant and dont show him affection. Ive told him im sorry but im grieving for the om. I love them both but im not in love with dp and told him he doeant deserve this and deserves far better....he still doesnt want to leave. He just wants me to love him.
I think om is the problem and once im over him i can get back to normal but this isnt fair on anyone and i feel like a terrible person. I told dp i will need time to heal but he wants me to start showing him i love him now.
If i leave i will upset dd, financially struggle and upset our immediate families. I dont know where to turn or what to say or think anymore.
I owe it to my dp to try and put the effort in but i feel so much grief for this man and guilt at the same time.
What is the best course of action?

OP i would say the best thing to do would be to allow yourself to feel your grief and guilt, but in private. It will get easier. Try and plough your energy into enjoying your time with your family for now. Once the om has faded it will be easier to rekindle romance with your partner. Good luck

No, life is never black and white but usually, it's kind of important not to lie or cheat. A kind of decency.

Deceit like this is only part of life's "rich tapestry" when one doesn't really care about one's partner or family and chooses to pursue destructive activities.

Otherwise, it makes it sound like it just happened to you, op, rather than you having any actual say in the situation.

I'd disagree with the statement that no affair has happened in the absence of penetrative sex. In the 9 months my DH spent lying about meeting / texting / what'sapp'ing his scrubber, they travelled abroad together, stayed in various hotels in the UK (including rentals by the hour - classy), introduced each other's children and on one (business event) occasion even sat the c*nt opposite me at dinner because she wanted to be there. Does the fact that she had a "no penetrative sex" rule (largely so she can pull the Clinton defence when she's publicly caught - she has a very public profile and makes great hay out of her religious adherence ho ho ho) mean that all the blowjobs and rolling around naked in hotels don't constitute an affair? Like buffalo it does.

Do you never lie cobblers? It’s great you can apply strict morals to your own life. Why the need to judge other people?

I agree with butterball... the sanctimony in some of these posts is astounding.

The human heart does not freeze, we do not become blind to all men other than our husband when we get married.

Falling in love can happen to anyone.

I feel for OP. I have never yet been tempted to cheat myself but I know for a fucking fact that this could happen to anyone.

I can guarantee it can ... it's a fucking nightmare for all concerned . No judgement here .

Your DH has ‘rolled over’ and forgiven you, and you respect him less as a consequence and that disrespect justifies your continuing to pine after OM.
The thing is your DH may be shell shocked, fearful of losing you and his family and life, and responding by being in denial of the significance of what’s happened. It’s all giving you space in which to wallow in your break up woes.
But for all the posters saying life isn’t black and white and people aren’t perfect (obviously) there are still a few questions you may need to face.
What if the denial phase ends and your DH becomes angry, resentful, hurt and distant. Is he really going to be able pretend nothing has changed?
How can he trust you in future? , and what if he becomes insecure, resentful, suspicious, or controlling? These often come out in the betrayed partner.
Should you really be with someone you’ve cheated on? What does it say about what you have?
So while you are finding it difficult to get over your affair your DH is (sadly) desperate for reassurance that you don’t feel able to give. And when you are, he may be in a different place.
I’d recommend counselling- because I suspect nothing can stay the same going forward.

I'm fine with being called sanctimonious, judgemental, whatever. The 'don't judge me' generation really irk me. If you behave like a reprehensible shit I'll judge you. Your actions are really all that anyone can judge you on really, seems entirely fair to me.

"If i leave i will upset dd, financially struggle and upset our immediate families"

This is one of the reasons I'm judging. Dangling some poor lovestruck guy on a string to avoid financial struggle and upset seems extremely cowardly to me. If you don't love him, leave and deal with the consequences.

Ffs just because you haven't had an affair it doesn't mean you think your perfect.

I was married for 15 years. I was attracted to other men. A couple I worked with. I am not a saint because I put a stop to anything that would hurt or disrespect my husband.

Not only that, the op is totally self absorbed and doesn't really care what this is doing to her partner while she grieves being dumped. Not only did she have an affair, and yes it is an affair, she isnt really doing much to help her partner get through it.

I had an infactuation for someone. I think it highlighted what was missing from my relationship with DH. Emotional openness/conection and physical intimacy.

Falling in love can happen to anyone.

And? Doesn't make cheating on your partner okay, does it? Fall in love with someone else, convince yourself there's something in it, and leave your partner to pursue it. It's the only decent way to do it.

Don't keep spouting all that BS about anyone can fall in love. That's just another justification cheats tell themselves.

Well it's not love on first sight is it. Cheaters cross quite a lot of boundaries before they arrive at love. They don't consider anyone else or the impact on their families as they stop over the various lines in the sand.

It's such a childishly black and white view.

'When I fell in love with my husband..' ... no one disputes it.

'I fell in love with OM..'... no that's not love, that's dopamine, that's a chemical storm in your head, he doesn't love you, etc etc.

OP hasn't even cheated here... she has feelings (which is crap for her) and snatched a few kisses (big deal... and her husband has forgiven her).

Especially given her miscarriage, but not only, she should be treated with gentleness.

I bet it would feel like cheating if his wife knew.

Having been in a similar position myself I know it was tough to forget the man (he was in a relationship). But I distanced myself totally. Never saw him, contacted him again. And it hurt.
But I didn’t break up his family. I realised it was lust not love once I was distanced from it.

Notice she hasn’t come back. Hopefully taken on board the advice here to leave om well alone and work out her own relationship or to move on without hurting other families/children.

RiversDisguise cheating is wrong and she cheated. It is black and white.

Feelings aren't black and white and no one has to act on them no one has to cross that line. No one has to show their partner such disrespect. No one then has to continue to show their partner they don't care about their feelings by demanding time to grieve the affair.

It is an affair. She kissed him, she over stepped boundaries. If it wasn't cheating why did she hide it for so long?

I feel for the op, regarding her miscarriage. But that's not a free tickets to do what you want. Can you imagine a recently bereaved man getting a free pass on cheating?

Well, if my husband cheated on me following a bereavement (God forbid), I really hope I would be able to realise he wasn't himself and that stress and grief make people behave out of character. In fact, it would hurt- but I wouldn't lose him over a few kisses in any event.

OP, thinking of you.

If you would forgive your husband for an emotional affair, kissing someone else, described you as 'rolling over' when you wanted to move past it, make no effort to repair your relationship because they need time to grieve the loss of the affair and was waiting around to see what the OW says in 3 months, also said they don't really love you but just with you for financial reasons and to not upset the child, then you really need to look at why you wouldn't see this as a deal breaker. Bereaved or not.

Bloody hell London, it’s not Esther Mcvey or Nadine Dorris is it, I would so want to tell if it was, hate the pair of them

Ops very obviously keeping her dh in the sidelines while she despairs and wrings her hands.... all the while hoping the om will realise that ops the one

Never going to happen.

Op you’re a colossal fool.
I feel sorry for your dh.

I reread the OPs post and she clearly says she doesn't love her DP. If that's the truth, I don't see the point of trying to hold onto this relationship.

As for the OM - it's over, he's chosen his family.

Affairs are either the 'filling in gaps' variety where both people want someone other than their partner, but have no wish to leave their partner or lives. Or, they are people looking for an escape route out of a bad relationship. The problem lies when one AP wants one and the other wants something different.

If you want to stay in your relationship, it's still possible to fall in love and get emotionally involved with your AP. It's only natural. But when it ends, you have to hide the pain. Go for long drives, cry in the rain and get through it. This is pain you have brought to yourself with your choices, and with the upside and joys of an affair, you have to take the hurt as well. And it is your secret and yours to cope with.

New relationships have your body producing different hormones. Same with pregnant and childbirth. You are hormonally attached to the OM and you will feel like this until your hormones rebalance. You will then in all likelihood look back and think WTF WAS I THINKING. Unfortunately these hormones are powerful and have people acting completely unhinged. I feel sorry for your Dp. Can I suggest you get some counselling. Don't make any rash decisions and stop telling Dp that you are in mourning over om. It's too much.

ALL emotion is hormones - as someone above said, why does one set of hormones get labelled Love and the other a chemical imbalance?

She had real feelings for this guy. I have had real feelings for my AP AND for my DP. It's possible.

I reread the OPs post and she clearly says she doesn't love her DP

No, she didn’t, she has said several times that she loves him. She doesn’t feel ‘in love’ with him.

As for the OM - it's over, he's chosen his family

No, he hasn’t. HE asked for 3 months to decide what he wanted to do.

And it is your secret and yours to cope with

Secret from who exactly?

Did you actually read her posts?

No, she didn’t, she has saidseveraltimes that she loves him. She doesn’t feel ‘in love’ with him.

You really think she loves him? Do people do this shit to someone they love? I am nit just talking about the affair. I am talking about how she describes him and how little she cares about working on fixing this. She cares about her grief more than the pain she caused her dp.

You don't treat people you live with such contempt

I shouldnt have used the words rolled over. What i meant was im shocked he hasnt went nuts and packed my bags. I was fully prepared. I didnt want to ease my guilt and hurt him but he really values honesty. Ive messed up. Yes ive cheated. It was wrong, i hold my hands up.
I do love the om and i know he loves me. Its not as simple as just packing up and leaving. I told him im going to have no contact because i told want to hurt our children. If he left then his wife and kids would all suffer financially, sell house, move schools, sell the nice cars. Neither of us want to put that on anyone.
Ive told dp i will work hard on getting us back. He begged me to stay. He never deserved this and i owe it to him to work on us. Yes i wish i felt in love with him and i wish i could turn my feelings off for om but it is what it is just now.
I had an affair. Im a cheat. Im not proud but i let myself get carried away with all the adrenaline and in love stuff you feel. In the end its been hurtful for all involved.