Had an affair, it ended and I’m not coping

[TheDes]

NC for obvious reasons.

I realise what I have done is terrible and I know I deserve no sympathy but I am really struggling with the aftermath of my actions. I was hoping someone might be able to give me some advice on how to cope.

Last year I had a longish emotional affair which turned into a short physical affair. He ended it because he knew it was wrong.

My husband has ignored me for much of the last ten years. I am not excusing my actions but I think it is in some way an explanation although I recognise it was my choice. We haven’t had sex in years, he is a workaholic and he tends to minimise things that have been very important to me. Not supporting me when my parents died, I was ill and went through radiotherapy alone. That kind of thing. I have long felt unimportant and unattractive.

Then I met the OM, who was single and we spent time together as friends and over the months I fell for him in a big way. He was never flirty with me. He gave me his time and attention.

After it ended I was devastated and even thought about taking my own life. I have recently got into a place where I was on more of an even keel and had started to enjoy life again. But I recently found out the OM is seeing someone and it has knocked me for six.

I know I am in no position to feel so sad. He is single and deserves to be happy. I am having counselling which is a godsend. DH and I tried couples counselling but he cancelled it after 2 sessions.

I suppose what I am hoping for is any advice to help me cope? I try to stay busy, take up new activities etc

I feel powerless to change my life for the better. DH is a good dad and a ‘nice’ guy. But I don’t know how to fix things between us. He acknowledges problems we have but nothing changes. He won’t admit the reason he doesn’t want to have sex with me.

I think I was infatuated with the OM because I was vulnerable. We could never have had a future together but I think about him all the time and miss him so much. I would dearly like to put the hurt behind me so I can try to work out what the next step is for my marriage. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

It very much sounds like your marriage ended a while ago but you are still together. How old are your children? Could you consider divorce? Why didn't you before?
Why did the OM split from you?

The kids are 9 and 5. I think about divorce but I worry about ruining their lives. My husband is very good on paper and if I wanted a companion fir the rest of my life I’d have it. I tend to get support from outside friends and family not from him.

OM split from me because I was married. We only slept together for a couple of weeks and he couldn’t handle the lying and was worried we’d get found out etc. I knew he was right but would probably not have done it mysel as he meant a lot to me. I have never been unfaithful before.

I suppose I am scared of divorce. I confide in a few friends and everyone seems to be of the opinion I need to try and make it work.

I am sure if he hit me or was an EA it would be different advice but the lack of intimacy is hard as is the feeling that I don’t matter.

Well if you want my opinion you should tell your husband so he is in full possession of the facts and divorce because the marriage sounds awful.

And stop with the self pitying "I was vulnerable/sad/whatever". It will do you no favours and comes across as self indulgent. Many cheating men do the whole "we don't have sex" or whatever thing and it just makes them look silly.

If you're unhappy leave, there's never an excuse to cheat. Stop looking for information on the other man because it's finished and nothing to do with you now. It's better that he's with someone who isn't cheating to be with him.

Would the OM be interested in you if you ended your marriage? Why are you staying when you are unhappy? Sounds like you have tried to make it work and sort through your problems but if OH won’t then you have reached the end of the road

From what you have said you need to split up from your husband. Your marriage is over and you want more, so it's time to move on x

Sounds like you NEED to separate/divorce.

It's worse for children to grow up in a home where one parent is desperately unhappy than it is to grow up in two homes where the parents are apart, but have control over their lives (and freedom to have fulfilling relationships or not, whatever is the case).

I think about divorce but I worry about ruining their lives well you don't worry about it enough to not shag someone else. Amicable divorves don't ruin lives. Lying might.

the information on the OM found me, we have friends in common.

I was vulnerable though. Try several years of rejection and see if your self esteems bottoms.

I know I am in the wrong.

OM wanted me to work on my marriage. I guess this could have been just because he didn’t actually want me but I think he did not want to be responsible for a marriage breakdown.

You say your husband has ignored you the most of the last 10 years. Your DC will have picked up on this. Surely you would be happier living apart from a man who treats you with such disregard. It's obvious you fell for the OM because you needed someone to cherish you and care for you.

Tell your husband about the affair, make him aware of your unhappiness. Then either seek help and support to repair your marriage, or seek help and support to end your marriage in the best possible way for the children.

Children survive divorce. Don't stay in a marriage for the children's sake, they will know.

No apparently I don’t water

I don’t think I’m strong enough for any of these actions at present.

Do you want to stay in your marriage, OP, or is the thought unbearable to you?

I don’t think I do but it is hard to know my own mind st the moment as I am still getting over the OM.

Lately I have tried to bring up things I would like to work on with my husband but it always ends in a row. He is convinced that he is completely right and I am completely wrong. I can’t see what else I can do.

I asked him to go for counselling but he hasn’t.

This affair has shown you that you need more than an absent husband. You need to feel cherished. Your kids will cope. I know so many families that have separated parents. They all seem to be doing fine. It’s fairly normal these days. It’s not the 1950s anymore. Split and give yourself the chance to meet somebody who treasures you

Oh give it a rest WaterOffaDucksCrack

You seem to be enjoying giving the OP a good kicking.

Try several years of rejection and see if your self esteems bottoms. I just don't see it as a valid excuse. After years of being beaten and raped by ex's I've still never cheated on anyone.

Well she shouldn't cheat then! End the marriage or leave! I know it's hard being a single parent as I've done it but come on. If she were a man and her wife didn't want sex you can imagine the replies.

Nothing you can say water will make me feel worse than I already do. So go ahead.

Normally i get cross reading these threads. However, it sounds like you were at dead end with your dh and this man sounds like your ideal match.

Unfortunately though there are other parties involved and you will have to then decide if the other man hadn't come along, would you have left your marriage or will you continue living in a safety net
You cannot continue this behaviour because you have the bull by the horns and end your marriage.

have too take the bull by the horns and end your marriage
Sorry typing errors

I'm not trying to make you feel worse. I just don't understand why you refuse to stop the self pity and be proactive about your life? You would feel loads better if you did.

Are still you still mentally very involved with the OM? The affair ended a while ago, but it sounds as if you were recovering, and now the news that he's in a new relationship has unsettled you again -- why?

It is down to you though, OP. No one can make you happy but yourself.

It seems to be the OM seeing someone else that has triggered this. Yet not once have you mentioned even the slightest consideration that you would have left your husband for him, so you never saw him as a partner for life it would seem. What did you get out of that relationship that you don't feel you get from your marriage?

Water - she's done the deed, she is trying to move on.
She doesn't need a reminder of what's happened - she's well aware.

'Do this', and 'do that'. You're talking to a stranger on the internet with little knowledge of her mental and emotional state or real circumstances, so to dictate what she should be doing is ludicrous.

All anybody can do is discuss with her, offer view points and let her make her own decisions. Some affairs are survivable, some aren't. Some deteriorating marriages improve, some don't. There is no definitive answer here.

She's recognised the feelings that she felt with the other man, which at least demonstrates she is capable of feeling those things - that's a good thing. She CAN feel alive again, given the right stimuli. Can her husband do that? - potentially yes. That remains to be seen.

Also, her husband might be suffering similar issues. And now she's had an insight to feeling alive, she might be able to make her husband feel alive again.

Who knows, all we can do is try to help gently.