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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Had an affair, it ended and I’m not coping

78 replies

TheDes · 20/01/2019 14:53

NC for obvious reasons.

I realise what I have done is terrible and I know I deserve no sympathy but I am really struggling with the aftermath of my actions. I was hoping someone might be able to give me some advice on how to cope.

Last year I had a longish emotional affair which turned into a short physical affair. He ended it because he knew it was wrong.

My husband has ignored me for much of the last ten years. I am not excusing my actions but I think it is in some way an explanation although I recognise it was my choice. We haven’t had sex in years, he is a workaholic and he tends to minimise things that have been very important to me. Not supporting me when my parents died, I was ill and went through radiotherapy alone. That kind of thing. I have long felt unimportant and unattractive.

Then I met the OM, who was single and we spent time together as friends and over the months I fell for him in a big way. He was never flirty with me. He gave me his time and attention.

After it ended I was devastated and even thought about taking my own life. I have recently got into a place where I was on more of an even keel and had started to enjoy life again. But I recently found out the OM is seeing someone and it has knocked me for six.

I know I am in no position to feel so sad. He is single and deserves to be happy. I am having counselling which is a godsend. DH and I tried couples counselling but he cancelled it after 2 sessions.

I suppose what I am hoping for is any advice to help me cope? I try to stay busy, take up new activities etc

I feel powerless to change my life for the better. DH is a good dad and a ‘nice’ guy. But I don’t know how to fix things between us. He acknowledges problems we have but nothing changes. He won’t admit the reason he doesn’t want to have sex with me.

I think I was infatuated with the OM because I was vulnerable. We could never have had a future together but I think about him all the time and miss him so much. I would dearly like to put the hurt behind me so I can try to work out what the next step is for my marriage. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
MisstoMrs · 20/01/2019 16:57

@stripeychina I agree about learning from it. You sound like you’ve been through this - where did the term ‘transitional person’ come from if you don’t mind me asking? A friend of mine was in a similar position Op, but she didn’t have children (DH did) and she left for someone else. They’re still together and have a baby now but I do worry it’s a very charged start to a relationship and puts all your eggs in one basket, so to speak, so as hard as it is you are probably better without OM.

In terms of your marriage, your counsellor will support you but you need to think of you can do this for another 15 years....if not, you need to start planning. I can see finances would be scary though. I also work PT for the children and DH brings in the money, it’s a position many of us are in and would be challenging in the event of a split Flowers

Ikeameatballs · 20/01/2019 16:59

Concentrate on counselling and making yourself financially more independent. Look for a new job, gain some new skills. Focus on a life for yourself without your husband. See how your husband responds. In 6-12 months splitting will be much easier if it’s still the right thing to do.

FlightOfFancy9 · 20/01/2019 17:05

I sympathise with the way you are feeling. I find the ignoring and the rejection quite hard to handle, too. I hope you find a way out of this. The one thing is certain, your OM wasn’t and isn’t the answer.

sunshinesupermum · 20/01/2019 17:06

My real life friends tell me I should work in my marriage. It’s only my counsellor who says I have options.

I don't agree with your RL friends OP. Your counsellor is right.

If your husband refuses to go to counselling to save your marriage he is not interested in doing so. Your children will grow up happier if you are happy even if this means splitting up. You will be in control of your life and even if the OM has a new significant other you will find someone else who is worthy of you.

Original poster
TheDes · 20/01/2019 17:08

No I don’t think he was. I think if we’d have tried to get together the associated fallout would have been too much for a relationship to work. I don’t think he would have been able to trust me either. I mean why would you?

OP posts:
SuperSuperSuper · 20/01/2019 17:12

OP - I could have written this in 2008, minus the radiotherapy. Oh, and my husband used to force me into duty-sex rather than withhold it, which is just as bad I suppose. So, I genuinely empathise.

I missed my OM desperately for several months after he cut contact and was gutted when I heard through the grapevine that he had a girlfriend.

I limped on in the moribund marriage until 2015 - this was the wrong decision and I'm angry with myself for wasting 6.5 years. Don't be like me OP.

See a solicitor for advice, so that you can prepare.

Original poster
TheDes · 20/01/2019 17:13

I do want to be more financially independent. That is definitely something to work on. I am going to tell DH tonight he has to go to a counsellor to try and talk through whatever his issue with sex is.

OP posts:
MirriVan · 20/01/2019 17:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
TheDes · 20/01/2019 17:14

Super are you happy?

OP posts:
mmoo76 · 20/01/2019 17:14

No judgment from me OP - a lot of what you've written I could have said myself.
I had an EA with a colleague for most of last year. It never got physical, though there was talk of it. The morals kicked in before it got that far.
It did not though stop me falling head over heels for him though.
It did not end well, I left the job and I haven't seen or heard from him since.
I have found it very hard to move on, because above all else I miss that 'connection' we had. It was so much more than just a physical attraction.
I know that if circumstances had been different, I would be with him.
My marriage has been rocky from the day dot. My DH has always been very good at minimising my feelings, has not been very hands on with our DD, and our sex drives are completely different. Ironically, our marriage has got worse since the end of my EA (DH has no idea about my EA).
I think you (and me!) need to realise that though not a relationship in the 'traditional' sense. It was one, and it came to an end and these things take time get over.
I am trying to work on my marriage, for my DD's sake. I know I owe her that at the very least. I think you need to look at your marriage from all angles to decide whether there is anything to 'work on' or has it come to an end?

Original poster
TheDes · 20/01/2019 17:15

Yes MirriVan I see your point.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheDes · 20/01/2019 17:20

I think things with DH have been worse since it ended too mmoo. I was v happy with OM and it didn’t matter what other shit was going on as I had this great relationship with him. But I need to find that resilience within myself and not need it from another person.
Good luck with your marriage.

OP posts:
SuperSuperSuper · 20/01/2019 17:44

I'm very happy now OP. Divorce was the right thing for exH and me. Children happier too, they'd picked up on the awkward ambience.

ISdads · 20/01/2019 17:53

What worked for me ...

Individual counselling to work out why I was staying

Reading about effects of divorce on grown up kids - it can be worse if you divorce when they are fully grown. I couldn't wait til they were in their bloody 30s so better to do it while they were young

Grieving my marriage loss beforehand, again in counselling

You know what - the fear of separating is huge and the reality was,.it was really really easy. You are doing the hardest part now.

StripeyChina · 20/01/2019 18:00

misstoMrs
I am a Counsellor and I have seen clients go through similar.
It is not uncommon for clients to 'transition' out of a LTR via a brief relationship that wakes them up to want more from life.

lolarose9 · 20/01/2019 20:12

@mmoo76 100% agree with your post!

higgyhog · 21/01/2019 10:00

It is seldom all about the sex. I have just ocme out of a long term relationship with OM. I keep getting told on here that it was just sex and to get over it but the things that get me crying are the pleasure I took in choosing presents for him at Christmas, thinking about the art exhibitions we went to and the long lunches and amazing conversation at the restaurants which I could never bring myself to visit again. My DH is incredibly nice and teh best possible bet on any analysis, but part of em still wants the lying cheating shit that was my lover back.

flintfoxy · 21/01/2019 10:49

Ive some judgement for the OM here - it sounds like he took advantage of a vulnerable woman not long out of treatment and clearly unhappy to get sex. Was it a ONS or a drunken end to an evening. It sounds like you miss the emotional side of it rather than the physical. Id keep up with the counselling, I haven't cheated but I am in a similar relationship and the lack of the emotional connection is heart-breaking at times.

Bumbalaya · 21/01/2019 11:18

Why haven't you threatened to leave your DH much sooner when he was so crap about your parents dying/ you having radiotherapy sessions alone. He isn't exactly the 'companion for life' that you say he is is he!?
Aren't you worth more than this half arsed husband?
You need to love yourself to the max to show people your worth.
I hope your counsellor is helping you get to why you've settled for a partner who gives very little to you.
And no sex!?! What's that all about, your husband and you need to put all your cards on the table.

Original poster
TheDes · 21/01/2019 11:24

Not a ONS and neither of us drink v much. I definitely miss the time we spent together as it brought me such happiness. But I can see that neither of us covered ourselves in glory with our behaviour.

It’s a bit of a drip drip effect within my marriage I think. I had a conversation with DH about divorce last night. He says he doesn’t want it and he loves me. I said his actions don’t match his words and he must see a counsellor himself.

OP posts:
higgyhog · 21/01/2019 11:36

When your affair partner has found another woman it is just so much harder. Mine needn't have told me, I would have ended the affair myself if he had just said something bland about growing out of it or something. It is so hard to think of them enjoying lovely things (and exactly the same sexual repetoire) with someone else.

jessstan2 · 21/01/2019 11:42

TheDes, Flowers for you while you are still getting over the affair. I really hope you and your husband are able to work things out satisfactorily for you both.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 21/01/2019 13:41

If you're H won't engage with counselling then you don't have a marriage. His actions most certainly do need to match his words.

The OM doesn't sound great. He only got a conscience once you two had been physical? He has moved on now so you need to try and move forward without him.

Individual counselling will help you

Robin2323 · 21/01/2019 17:17

I said his actions don’t match his words and he must see a counsellor himself.

That's good. Maybe ask him what his needs are and then , gently tell him ONE of your needs. Just one to start with.
See if he's willing to meet you half way.

EngagedAgain · 21/01/2019 17:33

He sounds very cold hearted not to have supported you through at least two life changing events. You must still be quite young - too young for a life without sex I would think.