Had an affair, it ended and I’m not coping

[TheDes]

NC for obvious reasons.

I realise what I have done is terrible and I know I deserve no sympathy but I am really struggling with the aftermath of my actions. I was hoping someone might be able to give me some advice on how to cope.

Last year I had a longish emotional affair which turned into a short physical affair. He ended it because he knew it was wrong.

My husband has ignored me for much of the last ten years. I am not excusing my actions but I think it is in some way an explanation although I recognise it was my choice. We haven’t had sex in years, he is a workaholic and he tends to minimise things that have been very important to me. Not supporting me when my parents died, I was ill and went through radiotherapy alone. That kind of thing. I have long felt unimportant and unattractive.

Then I met the OM, who was single and we spent time together as friends and over the months I fell for him in a big way. He was never flirty with me. He gave me his time and attention.

After it ended I was devastated and even thought about taking my own life. I have recently got into a place where I was on more of an even keel and had started to enjoy life again. But I recently found out the OM is seeing someone and it has knocked me for six.

I know I am in no position to feel so sad. He is single and deserves to be happy. I am having counselling which is a godsend. DH and I tried couples counselling but he cancelled it after 2 sessions.

I suppose what I am hoping for is any advice to help me cope? I try to stay busy, take up new activities etc

I feel powerless to change my life for the better. DH is a good dad and a ‘nice’ guy. But I don’t know how to fix things between us. He acknowledges problems we have but nothing changes. He won’t admit the reason he doesn’t want to have sex with me.

I think I was infatuated with the OM because I was vulnerable. We could never have had a future together but I think about him all the time and miss him so much. I would dearly like to put the hurt behind me so I can try to work out what the next step is for my marriage. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Our relationship was only physical for such a short period. I knew he was a decent person so I didn’t believe anything like that would happen between us.

I hadn’t really given up hope that we would get back together one day. I need to let that go now.

I thought if my husband and I had counselling we would either make things right between us or divorce and then I would be on my own. I didn’t expect OM to wait for me but I suppose I hoped if DH did split me and OM might be able to try and be together at some point. I did very much want to be with him. My real life friends tell me I should work in my marriage. It’s only my counsellor who says I have options.

My heart goes out to you OP, I have been in a very similar situation; don’t beat yourself up, everyone deserves to be loved and cherished.

The only advice i can give is to keep going, focus on your kids, for now, and keep having counselling. It takes a lot of guts to really acknowledge and believe you are worth more, so be kind to yourself.

My counsellor said to me that things would change for me when I could finally see that my life would be better without him, rather than stay in a really unhappy situation. I have recently taken charge of my life and I feel a lot better, but it has taken a long time!

OP you are not a bad person but you need to change your situation. There are loads of cheating/affair threads on here and so many people seem to think it's a black and white thing. You cheat - you are a shitty person and deserve no sympathy. Not true imo.
I have been cheated on. I have also cheated in a relationship where, much like you, I was taken for granted, neglected and unfulfilled. I tried fixing things, it fell on deaf ears. I tried leaving, it wasn't quite that simple logistically. I understand what it's like when after years of neglect and feeling unwanted someone gives you a bit of attention. You are only human so please don't beat yourself up.
But you need to address the reasons why you felt compelled to do this. Clearly because your husband isn't giving you what you need. The om probably isn't all you think he's cracked up to be in reality so my advice would be to forget him for now and try and take steps to move away from your marriage if you really feel it's over. You deserve a life where you feel loved and appreciated.

Life is far too short and precious to stay in a terrible marriage. Just be brave.

I think you need to grow a pair tbh and stop feeling sorry for yourself. You come across very self centred. You know you have options right? You haven't done anything right so far and you feeling bad? Either breakup with your husband if you are that unhappy or stay in the marriage and work on it. Either way, I'm sorry but you OM did the right thing by dropping you. Give yourself some self- respect!!

OP, don't beat yourself up about what you've done. That won't help anything. I would forget about the other man. It's not the right time, he probably not right for you anyway. Seems like once he got what he wanted he lost interest, so hardly a great catch. If you're not fulfilled with your husband you won't be happy. You could try to find things in life to enjoy life more, like hobbies female friends, but if an attentive male is the key to your happiness and your husband cannot fill that void I can't see how it can work.
Be sure of what it is you do really want before you make any rash decisions.

All anybody can do is discuss with her, offer view points and let her make her own decisions except me apparently because when I offer viewpoints it's "dictating to her" because you/she doesn't like it 😂

But I am trying to work on my marriage. I got him to couples counselling but he cancelled it. I tried all sorts of ways to change things but nothing changes. Perhaps I should leave but it’s very difficult to take that step when you know it’s going to cause pain. I’m not saying I won’t do it but it will take some courage.

I find it hard to see how making the decision to leave your marriage could be harder than deciding to cheat tbh. It does come across as you wanting someone else to sort it all out for you but as I said upthread, it's down to you because no-one can do it for you.

I realise this is Mumsnet and strong opinions are commonplace but I just would add that I read a lot of threads on here and only respond to the ones I feel I can offer value and support on. Plenty of people are struggling here, you don't know to what extent. An overly harsh or critical reply could be enough to push someone over the edge emotionally. Not saying this is the case on this thread but I just find it really sad to see a post where the op has repeatedly said she knows she's done wrong but is still really upset etc and people still just sending very hurtful replies.
If I read something and think the op is an arse I don't stop to tell them they're an arse I just keep scrolling...

Your husband sounds totally emotionally unsupportive, he's not really there for you when you need him. Obviously you haven't got the strength to do anything about it at the moment, so don't even try. Dont try to make big decisions yet or think you've got to.I wouldn't waste anymore energy on your husband. Concentrate on getting stronger then see how you feel. Is the financial side of parting a worry for you?

Well the op said it was a longish emotional affair first. No she didn't have to sleep with this guy but sounds to me he was playing the long game, finally got what he wanted then tried to make himself look like the nice guy because it was wrong what they were doing. Please at least forget that jerk op.

It sounds as if your husband is unhappy too. Maybe if you left it would make him either realise he wants you and try to win you back or let you go fairly amicably and move on.

Well said Mirri and Ginger.

I know it’s down to me. I started this thread for advice on getting over the OM so I can try to move on in life. I know no one else can fix it for me.

Financial stuff is a worry as my husband is the main earner. I have a little job that fits around the kids. Im sure I could earn more as I’ve always been self sufficient before children. I’m not sure how any of it would work though as my husband works all the hours of sends. He’s working now. I can’t see him managing a 50/50 split.

I think I could cope alone. DH is away a lot and everything runs like clockwork. I enjoy my own company in the evenings. I realise that is different to a permanent situation though.
Plus he hasn’t given me any emotional support for a long time. I’m lucky to have that from my friends but that hasn’t helped us grow closer.

Op
A man who is married and shags another woman isn't decent. Don't be delusional

He was single.

Decent people do bad things sometimes.
Bad people do decent things sometimes.

I agree with LittleLolly2727 - it is easy to forget there are real people posting sometimes.

I also agree with Engaged Again - the thing to do is to keep going to YOUR counselling. You cant make your H engage (mine was the same)
The OM has moved on. It's very painful. Maybe he was your 'transitional' person - who has helped you see you need more from life. Now you need to work out if you can achieve that in a way you can live with?

Good luck with it all. I don't think you've done anything 'wrong' and guilt is a waste of time - what is done is done - the main thing is to learn from it.

Either stay with him this way for the rest of your lives - being ignored, not being supported etc, or leave. Kids arent srupid. They know when things aren't happy between parents. They'll cope with you being apart. But don't shag around - it's not your right to have sex and emotion with someone else, just as it would said the same if it were a male posting.

If you leave now you won't be leaving for an OM. Jealousy makes a split much, much harder

I don't think you should waste your time feeling guilty or sorry for your husband. You're not in a real marriage. You live without love and support. Please seek therapy for yourself to understand why you are so stuck in such an unhappy marriage and why you are so scared (it is very scary to leave). You deserve happiness. This marriage is a terrible example for your children. I'm not saying that to make you feel bad but to say it's okay to leave and it's better for your children. Would you want your DD to be in a relationship like yours?

No I wouldn’t.