Had an affair, it ended and I’m not coping

[TheDes]

NC for obvious reasons.

I realise what I have done is terrible and I know I deserve no sympathy but I am really struggling with the aftermath of my actions. I was hoping someone might be able to give me some advice on how to cope.

Last year I had a longish emotional affair which turned into a short physical affair. He ended it because he knew it was wrong.

My husband has ignored me for much of the last ten years. I am not excusing my actions but I think it is in some way an explanation although I recognise it was my choice. We haven’t had sex in years, he is a workaholic and he tends to minimise things that have been very important to me. Not supporting me when my parents died, I was ill and went through radiotherapy alone. That kind of thing. I have long felt unimportant and unattractive.

Then I met the OM, who was single and we spent time together as friends and over the months I fell for him in a big way. He was never flirty with me. He gave me his time and attention.

After it ended I was devastated and even thought about taking my own life. I have recently got into a place where I was on more of an even keel and had started to enjoy life again. But I recently found out the OM is seeing someone and it has knocked me for six.

I know I am in no position to feel so sad. He is single and deserves to be happy. I am having counselling which is a godsend. DH and I tried couples counselling but he cancelled it after 2 sessions.

I suppose what I am hoping for is any advice to help me cope? I try to stay busy, take up new activities etc

I feel powerless to change my life for the better. DH is a good dad and a ‘nice’ guy. But I don’t know how to fix things between us. He acknowledges problems we have but nothing changes. He won’t admit the reason he doesn’t want to have sex with me.

I think I was infatuated with the OM because I was vulnerable. We could never have had a future together but I think about him all the time and miss him so much. I would dearly like to put the hurt behind me so I can try to work out what the next step is for my marriage. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I agree with PPs that it sounds as if your marriage is over if he won't go for counselling with you. You should definitely go alone, though, to help you reach a decision on your marriage. It will be scary, but you clearly can't go on as you are now. Your DC will pick up on how unhappy you are.

Are you going to tell him about the affair? What do you think he will do/say? It sounds like you've been trying to raise with him for years problems in your marriage and he's not taking them seriously maybe this would be enough to either have to make the changes that you need or finish your marriage for good what would you prefer happened ?

He says he doesn’t want it and he loves me. I said his actions don’t match his words and he must see a counsellor himself

Yes, you must insist on something. Don't allow him to ostrich his way into stretching this wretched way of living out. You may have to give him a timetable and make sure he goes to the sessions etc. If he won't, then you must either divorce or just put up with the status quo.

People can love somebody but not want to have sex anymore, but that's more than some people can take. It'll be a relief when you divorce, the weight and the tension will lift right off you. It did for me.