Why i am such a bitch??

[Stumpy0907]

I'm not really sure what I am wanting to get out of this, advice maybe?

Myself and my DP had our DD 6 months ago, we are both besotted with her.
However, since having her I have turned into a complete bitch towards my DP. He tries to help me out around the house with tidying up, washing etc. and I am just constantly pulling him up. Example: He put a load of washing in the dryer this morning, but didn't separate DD clothes (I dry all her clothes on the clothes rack). Instead of just been grateful that he is helping I completely bit his head off.
I do this most days and then feel awful afterwards! I have always had an extremely short fuse but learned to control it by biting my tongue, counting to ten etc. But since having DD I am 10x worse! DP is amazing, he is a really laid back person and takes everything in his stride so tends to just apologise when I bollock him.
I just feel like one day he is going to get sick of me and leave :(
I know I should be grateful for having a man that wants to help and ease the load, I just don't seem to be able to control my temper and emotions.

Did anyone else go through similar after having a baby or I am just a complete cow bag??

Why do you use words like helping when talking about your DP doing his share of the housework? I'm guessing you're angry because he's doing his share badly and adding to your workload

I'm guessing you're angry because he's doing his share badly and adding to your workload

Nice try at projecting it back on him as being his fault, it's still not an excuse to bite his head off. Even if somebody makes a mistake, they should be treated with respect. He sounds like he's trying.

Consider written instructions, when you have the time, space and inclination.

For example: "I know you want to help, and I love that, even if sometimes I get a bit pissy at you for doing it in a way that isn't identical to mine. I really want you to keep doing it and I want to shout at you less, so I wrote down a quick checklist of how I like to do the dryer, and the best way you can help me out."

1. Check labels to make sure they can go in a dryer
2. Stick dryer on 60 degrees for 30 mins (for example)
3. Don't put towels in with other stuff
4. Put DDs stuff on the rack, not the dryer, but our stuff can go straight in drawers when it's done

The point isn't "Oh he should know all this already" or "He wasn't doing enough before". The point is that he is trying to help, now. He is doing his best, now. So help him do his best by being extremely clear and precise about how you like things to be done. That way you don't get angry and he knows exactly what the routine is so that he can help in the best way possible. Good for you, good for him.

How's your Dd's sleep?

The point isn't "Oh he should know all this already" or "He wasn't doing enough before". The point is that he is trying to help, now. He is doing his best, now.

This is a thing of beauty. It's so easy to assume somebody knows how to do the stuff intuitively that maybe you've been doing for some time. Teach a father to fish and he hopefully won't shrink your grundies.

This was me for a long time. I still struggle with it but seeing a counsellor has really helped. Sleep deprivation and the stresses of parenthood can do strange things to your relationship.

??postpartum thyroiditis

I threw a shoe at my husbands head cause he messed up the shoe/coat cupboard when ragingly thyrotixic postpartum

I think it’s fine to want things done a certain way, especially with a new baby. If you articulated yourself inappropriately, then apologise (I’m sure you have). But you don’t have to feel you should be grateful just because your DH “tried”. Underneath you are pissed off, that’s the reality and that’s why you flipped. So acknowledge that in a calm moment and tell him how you are doing the laundry and ask him to row in with your system.

I think you should be having a chat with your GP about why your feeling so short tempered and emotional. I feel for you DP, he's pulling his weight around the house (something many women who post on MN moan their DP or DH doesn't do) and you're constantly biting his head off because he's not doing it exactly the same way you do which is unreasonable. If it was your DP acting this way towards you, he would be getting slammed massively by people on here for being abusive and you need to question if you would put up with being treated the way you're treating him.
The positive thing is you're aware of your behaviour which means you can work on changing it.

You are not alone
I’ve tried banning my dh from the kitchen but he just keeps trying ( in all the wrong ways)
He starts filling the dishwasher (the top shelf) without having emptied the clean dishes out of the bottom shelf.
If he washes up anything, he just gives it a quick shake in the washing up bowl (full of dirty water). He doesn’t wash it or rinse it.
If I ask him to keep an eye on the dinner ie chilli. Rather than stiring it, he sort of pats the top of it down so it’s all level. I just don’t understand his thinking. If I correct him he just looks like a scolded child.

Oh dear. I'm still pregnant and this is happening already I find myself pottering around the house finishing off half-completed jobs and rolling my eyes. Trying to avoid becoming a naggy wife but also not resentful put the bloody seat down and turn the lights off fgs

People would tell you to LTB if this was a reverse. He's trying OP that's the main thing. If he's done it wrong there's no need to bite his head off just say next time "thank you for helping however next time can you just put DD clothes on the rack" may be you should seek help if you have form for getting angry quickly.

My mother is like this with my dad, wore him down in the end and he is just miserable but puts up with it and still tries to help in the hope she doesn’t snap. It’s very sad to witness.

The thing is, you’ve decided your way is the right way, so you get to bollock him if he gets it wrong. Have you shared your reasons for air-drying the baby’s clothes? Does he agree with them? How many of the things you bite his head off for are matters of opinion, where you’ve decided yours is right?

It may be some ppd, and it might be added stress of a new bb.
But seriously reconsider right and wrong, your way certainly isn’t how I do laundry.
Are you trying a bit too hard to be perfect in areas that really don’t matter?

How are you feeling generally, OP? Are you feeling low or that you're struggling? If so, may you should see the GP/talk to the HV about potential PND or something similar.

Are you short-fused with other people?

If there's nothing else going on and you're fine in yourself, then you should look into getting some help/counselling/therapy, otherwise you will ruin your relationship.

Are you sleep deprived right now op?

In my experience I'm a total cunt when I'm tired... I'm not making excuses for it at all but it's just a pattern I've recently noticed

Also consider your hormones are likely all over the place right now too... taking evening primrose oil daily can help to calm that down and failing that could you be depressed? Maybe a visit to the dr to explain what you're going through

Being a new mum is tough x

“So help him do his best by being extremely clear and precise about how you like things to be done. That way you don't get angry and he knows exactly what the routine is so that he can help in the best way possible.”

Not sure I agree with this. I wouldn’t appreciate being expected to follow precise instructions and exact routines.
I think some unclenching is required here...and i do mean that kindly.

Having a baby plays havoc with your hormones. If you're inclined to have a temper (not judging you for it) it's going to increase with the stresses of parenthood and the natural fluctuations in hormones post baby/pregnancy. Add sleep deprivation to it and you're bound to feel over emotional and irritated by things that you wouldn't usually. You seem to be aware that your DH isn't actually doing anything wrong and you know really this is your problem not his which is good. I think your husnsnd hasn't got to be the one to change or have specific instructions. I know my DH would feel really disrespected and patronised if I have him a kiddies guide to how not to f**k up housework. Maybe expect less of him with the washing and do it yourself if it works better and let him do more with your DD whilst you're doing it? He may not leave you but if he gets treated like a naughty child he may get used to it and just become a doormat and you'll end up with a bit of a negative vibe to your marriage. The more someone allows someone to treat them disrespectfully the more you lose respect for them for allowing you to do it and it becomes easier to keep on doing it. I'm not trying to make you feel bad about yourself but it sounds like you've got a very placid husband. Mine wouldn't put up with any kind of 'bollocking' try and draw on his strengths. Keep him away from the washing if you have to. He's shown willingness at least. I'm not usually one to suggest counselling but anger/temper issues I do think need addressing. You don't want it to get worse and impact on your family life negatively. I hope you work things out and good on you for seeking advice

Are you getting enough sleep? Lack of sleep combined with the weight of responsibility can make you extra snappy... I was a nightmare for a year with my first!! I think it's important to be as self aware as possible and apologise each time. Hopefully he will understand that you are under a lot of pressure and not your usual self. It should level out as baby gets older and starts sleeping longer stretches etc

I'm exactly the same at the moment as I'm in early pregnancy, I find myself snapping at little things I usually wouldn't, even though DP is being wonderfully helpful and I feel awful afterwards.
I would talk to your DP about how you feel, let him know you're aware your behaviour isn't what you'd like it to be, and maybe try and chat through what you think is causing you to be so short tempered etc.
It could be hormones, it could be sleep deprivation or stress, the pressure of having a young DD, or maybe you are putting too much pressure on you /DP to do things to the standard it was done before. Or it could be a presentation of post natal depression?
Would you usually do the things DP is doing now, or has he always done them? It might just be a period of adjustment if he doesn't usually do those things, as everyone has their own way of doing things and it can drive you insane when others dont do it the same way... My DH used to go mad with me for not loading the dishwasher the "right way"... In the end I told him he can either accept I do it differently and leave it alone and accept the job gets done, or do it himself.
Try accepting his way of doing things if it means it gets done, and tell him about the things that aren't so helpful... If you still feel the same way then maybe there's something else at play and its worth speaking to your health visitor or GP?

Hope you figure it out and get some help if you need it :-)

Hmm look...men who have a short fuse and expect to have control over how things are done are vilified on here.

It’s not good to have a short fuse...if you are being aggressive, rude or angry towards your partner over trivial matters you need to take responsibility and stop yourself. Walk away if you must!

Living with an angry person is really hard. I know you say your temper has got worse since the arrival of your baby and that other people have rationalised this as being the cause...but what worries me is that this behaviour becomes ingrained, habitual and normalised and your dh is in for years of being spoken to like shit. That’s how it tends to go.

You should think very carefully about how you can achieve perspective so you can control your temper. I’m being straight with you. Angry people are horrible to live with.

Sorry for the late reply, I have read all of your comments and I'm very grateful for the advice!
DD sleeps 7-7 so can't really use sleep deprivation as an excuse.
I do have slight form of being short tempered but nothing major since I was a teenager really. I actually have a doctor's appointment for something unrelated next week but reading these comments I think I will bring this up!
Have have spoken to DP about how I feel a lot and he is paranoid about PPD too and this is why he does try to help out.
In general my mood is fine and it's only really my DP that I seem to get angry at. The posts regarding trying to be perfect has hit home a bit; so will try to work on that.

Also, DP comes from a farming back ground where his DM (farmers wife) literally did EVERYTHING for the familiar, so in all fairness to him he perhaps doesn't know how a house runs!
We have lived together for 4 years and it is only perhaps the last 12 month's he has started helping around the house.

Well, you really want to encourage him, not stomp him to oblivion. So tolerate him doing things a bit "wrong". I mean, really, dryer vs clothes rack - not the end of the world, not life-threatening, not worth getting cross about.