Why i am such a bitch??

[Stumpy0907]

I'm not really sure what I am wanting to get out of this, advice maybe?

Myself and my DP had our DD 6 months ago, we are both besotted with her.
However, since having her I have turned into a complete bitch towards my DP. He tries to help me out around the house with tidying up, washing etc. and I am just constantly pulling him up. Example: He put a load of washing in the dryer this morning, but didn't separate DD clothes (I dry all her clothes on the clothes rack). Instead of just been grateful that he is helping I completely bit his head off.
I do this most days and then feel awful afterwards! I have always had an extremely short fuse but learned to control it by biting my tongue, counting to ten etc. But since having DD I am 10x worse! DP is amazing, he is a really laid back person and takes everything in his stride so tends to just apologise when I bollock him.
I just feel like one day he is going to get sick of me and leave :(
I know I should be grateful for having a man that wants to help and ease the load, I just don't seem to be able to control my temper and emotions.

Did anyone else go through similar after having a baby or I am just a complete cow bag??

I dont do laundry the way dh would like it done, I put things in the dryer that he would rather didn't go in and I (on his opinion) overfill the washing machine. But when hes doing it he can do it his way, when I'm doing it I'll do it my way. It would be different if I was ruining clothes, but I'm not, its just a preference.

The washing/drying thing was really just an example to be honest.
But yes I get the point that people do things differently and/or may not know how to use them.
My main point was my short fuse at anything he does to help around the house.
We have actually just had a conversation about it, he definitely thinks speaking to my GP is a good idea (our HV is a disinterested twerp) and understands the pressure I am under with DD and being alone most of the day.
Thanks guys

Yep in our house dh is the fastidious one about washing as he does most of it. I still do it my way when I’m doing it. If he carps about me overfilling the drum or using the incorrect amount of powder, I ignore him.

You can control it around everyone else? Only do it to your DP? Then you need to pursue help. This could tip into abusive and bullying behaviour. The fact that you don't do it with others means you don't really have a shirt fuse that you can't control.

It could be the perfection thing. Wanting everything in the home to be perfect. You need to learn that not everything can be your way and that your way is simply you way. Not the right way.

My Dp was home yesterday and text to see if I wanted any washing done. He did 2 loads, including my son's bedding. I didn't even think to ask how he done it or check he had done it. We share the housework. Whoever is at home does it. I was just happy the washing basket was clear. I don't see it as helping me out. It's our home. But I wouldn't dream of making sure he had done it how I do.

I'm glad you're going to raise this with your GP because this isn't on at all and you know it. If you can control your temper around everyone else you can control it around your DP but you are choosing not to. You may prefer the washing dried in X way but if he's doing it, as long as what he is doing isn't damaging things, butt the fuck out of it.

Are you breastfeeding and have your periods returned? As I’ve found ( and confirmed it via google) that the hormone combination has made my usually non existent pmt,horrific pmt. The slightest thing and I’ll fly off the handle at him. It’s only him though I do it to. Now I avoid him as much as possible during the last week of the month and bite my tongue a lot.

boysandbuses- it's not that I check up on what he has done, on this occasion it just happened that I was the one that got the drying out of the machine and noticed that DD's clothes were in there too. I don't follow him around the house checking the jobs that he says he has done as such.

ShatnersWig- I don't think it that its a case of me being able to control my temper around others, I just don't get angry around others? Also, the thing about DD's clothes is that they shrink in the dryer (or have done in the past). I am not thinking I should have used a different example.

Newyearnewunicorn- No, not breastfeeding and periods have returned and I have had the coil fitted around 3 months ago. My DP works 2pm-10p most of the time (sometimes works 10am-10pm) so it is fairly easy to distance myself.

FYI- Starting to realise I should have used a different example than the washing.

I think the perfection thing is an issue here as is the need for control. This is not uncommon in woman. I identify with it, I have seen it in my friends. I do most house things and it’s not because my DP is lazy or incapable. Nb when I say do, a lot is outsourced, cleaner etc. Plus our nest is empty, so it’s manageable.

Your situation doesn’t allow for this. You need to share out the load. Not get “help”from him to do it. Start making things his responsibility, end to to end. If washing is his responsibility, then he decides on how to dry and all that goes along with it.

Yes see a GP and take advice on improving your mental health. There are ways to manage negative feelings and responses. But you need to carve out time from parenting and housework. So share it out. Share responsibility not delegate. Equal partners.

This can only be described as emotional abuse

My mother was like and all of her children suffered very serious emotional problems

it's not that I check up on what he has done, on this occasion it just happened that I was the one that got the drying out of the machine and noticed that DD's clothes were in there too. I don't follow him around the house checking the jobs that he says he has done as such.

Sorry, I didn't mean you did. I meant because I wasn't there when my Dp did the washing, that was the only way I would have known he had done it different.

But let's say you didn't spot it, what would have happened? How would it have impacted you? It wouldn't have done.

That's the point. Fwiw, if everytime I did jobs at home, if my partner kept shouting at me. I would just stop doing them.

I did it with my ex husband. He had a go everytime I cooked. Nothing wrong with it, just not how he would have done it. He was a chef. So I stopped cooking. Totally refused to as he refused to stop interfering and having a go.

Op, I'm not sure why the example matters if what you're worried about is snapping at him needlessly and being short tempered with him. Are you hoping that a different example would make us think you're reasonable to behave that way?

If there's something else going on, then maybe the picture is different. But going on your op, it sounds like you're possibly struggling with pnd and taking it out on him, which isn't good but can be resolved. Or that you don't like him much any more, which probably can't be resolved and you would need to split.

I am a harridan since having 2 DCs. DH has said he won't stick around if it continues

Are there any jobs you will "trust" him to do? Let him do those and ask him not to help unless you ask him too at least till you sort your shit out

Are you on a hormone based coil,? Personally hormone treatments like the pill etc turn me into a psycho bitch even I don't want to live with me

For a start stop thinking of it as 'helping around the house' you are not his employer and he is not doing you a favour. It is sharing household chores.

You don't need to micromanage, just get a better understanding of who does what.

LemonTT- Completely taken what you have said on board, I think saying these are your jobs Etc will actually help me day to day so I don't feel I have to have everything done for a certain time- I think some of my issue is that I try and get all things done when DD has her nap, so on the days she doesn't nap and I don't get everything done, it stresses me out. I know this won't help with everything but it is a really good idea and I will discuss later with DP. :)

Boysandbuses- You are totally right, if I hadn't got the clothes out of the dryer I wouldn't have been any the wiser. The only reason I don't put her clothes in the dryer is because sometimes they shrink so not even a major issue really!

These posts have really helped me process things a lot better!

• I need to split the housework, keeping the washing for myself though ;)
• I need to have sometime, possible just the odd morning while DP is at home, out of the house, by myself or something.
• Speak to my GP, signs of PPD? or maybe the coil affecting my hormones?

Being like this makes me feel awful, I do apologise to him a lot and I really do love him! We laugh a lot and generally enjoy each others company. That is why I need to sort myself out.

I didn't come here for sympathy, I came here for genuine advice and to see if others have experienced the same. I have asked DP if he feels like I am abusing him and he says it makes him feel sorry for me, which was hard to hear, as that definitely wasn't what I was expecting.

The clothes airer is a red herring.

You resent him deeply for something, that's why you're boiling over in his presence.

I suggest counselling as a couple before the relationship is ruined.

Some the replies on here have absolutely shocked me

I threw a shoe at my husbands head cause he messed up the shoe/coat cupboard

Wow. You should be ashamed of yourself. I can only imagine what sort of replies you’d receive had you been a man and admitted that.

PPD or not, it’s no excuse to physically or emotionally take things out on your partner. It’s good you recognise that you’ve got a short fuse so perhaps now is the time to try and fix that.

As for “being grateful” that he helps around the house. Sorry, what? Why should you be grateful? He lives there as much as you, he’s a human being as much as you.

It amazes me still how many women treat their husbands like kids! Greatful for them doing house work? Encouraging them to shower?! (in another thread) - what is wrong with your standards?

Well done OP.

I think you for a young woman with a lot of responsibilities it is brilliant that you have insight and are so reflective. It will mean you are a good mum and wife. Do find time for yourself, even if just to read a newspaper in a coffee shop or walk in the park, maybe both. Look about for groups to join. Actively learn to say a silent “Meh” at least once a week in response to your husband’s housekeeping.

If it helps my father, a prewar man who had everything done for him, had to step up when my mother got dementia. He did caring and housework for a long time. He learnt and he copes on his own with some nice cleaning ladies. Incidentally he is a dryer man through and through. I think they like mechanical solutions, even expensive ones. He still doesn’t get the shrinking thing.

• I need to split the housework, keeping the washing for myself though ;)
• I need to have sometime, possible just the odd morning while DP is at home, out of the house, by myself or something.
• Speak to my GP, signs of PPD? or maybe the coil affecting my hormones?

Good idea, and don't forget to talk to your DH about all of this as well. Contrary to popular opinion, men are not psychic and do not automatically know what you are thinking, how you have changed your mind about something, and why you have decided to do something differently. Please tell him all about these decisions and why you've made them, and ask if he has any suggestions or feedback for you.

OP the way you described your H in your 1st post (he is a really laid back person and takes everything in his stride), could have been written by my W and how she would describe me. You said he grow up in a farming family and his mother literally did everything for the household, so it makes a little sense that his household skills need assistance. Looking at the numbers from your post though 4years together, 6-month-old DD, and his only by “helping” for the last 12 months. What was he doing for the first 3 years, and could you possibly have some built up resentment from that time?
If not, then an honest conversation is in order on what is expected on the household chores/ workload. Go over how both of you believe a job should be completed, not just started, and make que cards if necessary. I’ve been married for 25 years and I’ve got a card in the laundry room of the different pieces of my wife’s clothing the either does not go in the dryer or only goes in for a short period of time. I make use of this card whenever I do the laundry, simply so I don’t make a mistake.
I agree with PP, figure which jobs don’t have a “special” way to be done, but have to be done, and let him do those. In the meantime while he is doing those jobs you can gradually start sliding in jobs that you like done a certain way (do them together a couple times). This will enable you to build closeness, and if a second child comes along lighten your load even further.

He household skills dont necessarily teaching to him.

In the washing example he did nothing wrong. Simply didn't do it the ops way.

That doesn't mean he was wrong or can't do household stuff.

The op needs to back off him and let him do things his way. Training him to do it her isn't dealing with the issue that she needs to feel control.

Lemon TT, a woman who abuses her husband is neither a good wife or mother. Children copy the example parents set them, how is teaching them it’s ok to be abusive good parenting ?

Northern snapping at your partner every now and again isn't emotional abuse ffs... my partner often huffs and puffs at me and I'm snappy with him when I'm hormonal but he's not about to run to the police and make a complaint. the op is a good mum and partner as she can see the mistakes she's making and wants to correct them... she may have pnd

I think you're projecting from your own experience tbh sorry your mum was like that and I think the difference is that your mum may not have recognised she was in the wrong and didn't seek help to sort it out